It's not easy to catch a woman like Lena Luthor totally off-guard. Sure, she's had the rug pulled out from underneath her a couple of times in her life - most recently being the incident where she was kidnapped by a crazy alien queen and was forced to marry Mike of the Interns, or rather Mon-El, as his name was apparently.
But today is going to be one of the rare instances where Lena will be losing her shit.
Just completely off-the-rails and into crazy town shit.
And it all starts with Jess buzzing in as she is taking a sip of her already-cold coffee, announcing a visitor through the intercom.
"Ms. Luthor, Lois Lane is here to see you."
Lena spits the coffee out and back into her mug. She would be disgusted if not for the feeling of rising panic in her chest.
Her heartbeat comes to a complete stop. There is a ball lodged in her throat and she wonders if this is what a heart attack feels like. Or if she's being punished for breaking her 6 month streak of quitting cigarettes this morning.
Hands shaking, she buzzes Jess back.
"Let her in."
And she says the words only because she doesn't want Jess to have to deal with Lois Lane barging into her office anyway.
The double doors of her office fly open, dramatically. Both of it. And Lois Lane - perfect smoky-eye, pantsuit and Jimmy Choos - struts into her office with a presence more powerful than Superman's, and a smirk that would give anyone an orgasm on the spot.
Lois looked like she was giving Cate Blanchett a run for her money.
Lena grips her desk to the point of it creaking.
"Hey there, Stud." Lois licks the nickname on her lips, eyes roaming Lena's face and body, blatantly checking her out. The temperature of the room skyrockets. Lena squirms in her seat. "Well, don't you look delicious. Did you miss me?"
Somehow, Lena Luthor manages not to faint.
The elevator doors to the top floor of LCorp ding and Kara Danvers steps off, wearing her signature smile, glasses, ponytail, and cardigan. She has three cups of coffee in one hand and two bags of doughnuts in the other.
"Good afternoon, Jess!" Kara sets the cup of coffee - Jess' usual, a cold brew - and a bag of doughnuts on the assistant's desk. "I'm here to see Lena!"
Jess tries to school her features into showing only 10% of the appreciation and gratitude that she feels for the blonde human puppy before her. As much as she doesn't want said human puppy to know how much Jess adores her and enjoys her visits to LCorp, she still has a strong protective streak when it comes to her boss and it's going to take much more than food bribery to win her trust. In no plane of reality is Jess ever going to hand her the keys to the kingdom, so to speak, when it comes to any and all matters relating to Lena Luthor.
The fact that her boss just handed Kara Danvers, a reporter, an all-access pass to her office? Jess had to take an advil for that migraine.
Although the reporter is really making it hard for Jess not to break off tiny bits of her trust and adoration and respect as a treat every time she visits. And every time Jess shows her anything beyond indifference - a hint of a smile, a little twinkle in her eye (the woman seems to have a canine's sense of smell with these things) - Kara accepts these tiny morsels with happy puppy dog eyes and a wagging tail.
Kara really just has super hearing and x-ray vision, so picking up on how much Jess appreciates the coffee and doughnuts was a piece of cake.
"Good afternoon, Ms. Danvers." There is the smallest quirk of Jess' lips and she looks up to acknowledge Kara with a curt nod.
Kara almost rolls over in glee; that was the first time the secretary actually looked her in the eye - she would usually just tilt her head in the slightest of nods towards Lena's door without looking away from her computer. Instead, she looks down to contain the grin on her face and shifts her feet before looking back up at Jess again.
"So, I'm going to head in now, okay?"
Jess is now typing away at her computer, pretending she's not there. It doesn't bother Kara in the least.
Oh, Jess. I am going to crack that stony exterior like an egg!
Kara almost skips to Lena's office. She opens both doors because - why not - she's having a good day!
But then she stops dead in her tracks and almost curses out loud in Kryptonian because of the scene that she barges in on.
(Kara Zor-El Danvers has never cursed in her whole lifetime, in any language.)
Instead she slutters, "L-Lois?"
Lois Lane was bent over the desk, back turned to Kara, and face inches from Lena's - who was sitting dead still in her comfy big boss chair, eyes wide and jaw dropped.
Lois also had a matching shocked expression on her face, and a black and red g-string dangling from her forefinger, upturned palm in the air while the other is gripping the desk. It takes her a few beats before a grin erupts on her face and she quickly stuffs the underwear in her blazer pocket and runs to envelop Kara in a big warm hug.
Kara, for all her super speed, hasn't managed to recover from nor erase the scene from her memory, so she hugs Lois back awkwardly.
Lena just went from shocked to absolutely mortified.
"Lois!" Kara squeaks, patting the other woman's back. Lois pulls back from the hug but keeps her hands on Kara's shoulders.
"Oh my God, Kiddo, it's been so long! I've missed you." Lois says it with genuine affection, as if they bumped into each other in a grocery store instead of Kara walking in on something between her cousin's wife and her best friend.
Meanwhile, Lena stands up and makes a beeline for the scotch bottle and glasses she has on top of the table at the far end of her office. She placed it there strategically so she wouldn't be as tempted to reach inside her desk drawers drown herself in alcohol whenever she's stressed. Today was definitely a day that calls for a drink.
Or two.
"Hey, Ms. Pulitzer Prize Awardee!" Kara makes nervous finger gun pew-pew motions at Lois who rolls her eyes at the gesture.
"You're an ever bigger dork than your cousin, babe." Lois is smiling at her warmly and it feels like family. Kara feels a fluttering in her chest and laughs nervously, looking down and fidgeting with her glasses before looking up.
"Good thing you're both goddamn hot."
Lois winks with great exaggeration. Kara chokes on her own spit and coughs.
And Lena chokes on a big gulp of 50 year old scotch, making most of it spill on her $5000 Yves Saint Laurent dress and blazer ensemble.
Lois and Kara turn to her - Kara with a worried frown and a furrowed brow, and Lois with a quirked eyebrow.
Oh, shit. Lois thinks. Smooth and subtle was never your strongest suit, Stud.
Lena had since placed the now empty glass back on the table beside the bottle of scotch, thankful that it wasn't the bottle that she spilled, and is now wiping futilely at her clothes with a handkerchief. Her face spelled pissed in the 'this-was-a-favorite-outfit' and 'all-that-wasted-scotch' way, combined.
"Ha! Lena agrees." Lois points at Lena, looking smug, then pokes Kara's chest. "That you're hot."
Kara just smiles and laughs nervously, in that 'ha-ha-what-are-you-talking-about?' manner, red as a cute little tomato.
Lena meanwhile, aghast and embarrassed, looks as if her best friend in grade school just betrayed her trust and told her crush that she like them.
Seeing this triggers a lightbulb moment in Lois' head. And Lois Lane wouldn't be Lois Lane if she doesn't grab the opportunity to fuck with somebody, especially when it's presented to her on a silver platter.
So she grabs that mothrfucker and she squeezes every last bit of fuckery from it.
Lois wants to throw her head back and slap her knee in laughter. But instead she decides on rocking Lena's boat further.
"See, Kid? The stud here," she points a thumb at Lena's direction, "finds you so hot that she choked on and spilled expensive scotch over her even more expensive clothes!"
Lena opens and closes her mouth like a fish. She cannot believe Lois Lane came strutting into her office to tell her that she had stolen her underwear almost ten years ago as a souvenir (Lois' words) and then just told her best friend (who has no idea that she's bisexual and who she is also massively crushing on) that she finds her hot. Not to mention how many time Lois called her "Stud" in front of Kara - she dreads the day that she's going to have to explain that one.
Lena Luthor came to work this morning expecting to deal with the regular bullshit of the business world, the science and technology world, and all the misogynistic assholes in it. She was not prepared to deal with the level of assholery, tomfoolery, and fuckery that calls itself Lois Lane.
Truth be told, in all of their history together, she was never really equipped to deal with Lois Lane.
Her brain feels like it's short-circuiting.
She is honestly feeling very attacked right now.
Kara laughs nervously again, louder this time, probably to break the tension. Or probably just because it went from awkward to 'holy-freaking-Rao' levels of awkward in half a second. She clears her throat.
"O-okay, Lois." Kara starts, facing Lois, then Lena. "Lena." She nods as a greeting. "This seems to be a bad time, so…." Kara inches herself backwards. "I'm sorry for interrupting." Then she bolts out of the office, almost going from human to super speed before calling out. "Bye!"
Lois tries to grab her but she is too fast. She curses under her breath.
"Damn, super speed!"
Kara leaves Lena's coffee and doughnuts on Jess' desk and hurries to the elevator.
The elevator ding could be heard inside Lena's office and Lois Lane bursts out in laughter, bent over with one hand gripping her stomach and the other holding her up and steadying her on one knee.
Lena glares at Lois with murderous rage.
"I am going to kill you, Lane."
Lois wipes a tear from the corner of her eye, face red, laughter dying down.
"Oh, boo-hoo, Stud." She winks at Lena, who gets even more pissed off at that. "You'll thank me later."
"Thank you?! I will fucking skin you alive!"
Lois just winks before turning around and exiting the office. She hears Lena's frustrated, "AAAARGGHH" be muffled as the doors close behind her.
She taps Jess on the shoulder. The secretary jumps but tries to hide her surprise.
"Hi. Lena accidentally spilled something on her clothes. She needs dry cleaning and something she can change into for the time being." Lois smiles and then winks. "Thanks, Jess."
She turns to head back into Lena's office, leaving a stunned Jess behind her and re-enters the office to find Lena sitting slouched in her chair and swirling a fresh glass of scotch in one hand. She smirks.
"Another glass? But you just finished a full one."
"Fuck you."
Lois laughs.
"Jesus, Stud, pissy much?"
Lena wishes so badly that she had heat vision. She wants nothing more than to fry the smug smirk off of Lois' face.
Lois raises her hand in surrender.
"Okay, okay, I'm sorry." The bitch exterior melts a little and Lois actually looks like she's genuinely sorry. "To prove it, I already asked for dry cleaning and a change of clothes from your secretary.
"I was just messing with you. It's my way of saying how much I missed you." Lois smiles sincerely.
Lena wants to smack Lois in the face repeatedly because A) she just canonballed into her whole day, and B) because goddamn, she did miss this crazy woman.
Lena sighs, letting a touch of softness in her voice.
"I missed you, too, Red. A lot has happened since… Well, y'know…" Lena looks away.
"Since the last time we spoke?" Lois offers.
"Yeah. That." Lena gives a weak smile.
"Well," Lois waits for a beat then turns around to grab the bottle of scotch and pour herself her own glass. "Got time to play catch-up with an old gal pal?"
Lois wags her eyebrows suggestively and that cracks Lena up. She sits on the couch, one leg tucked under her, and pats the empty space beside her.
The corners of Lena's mouth twitch up. She looks down into her glass, as if lost in thought. Then she smirks, gets up and heads over to the couch, tucking her leg underneath her and facing Lois, mirroring her position.
"Good thing the couch is leather - I can still sit on it even with scotch-stained clothes."