Penelope

Then sail, my fine lady, on the billowing wave -
The water below is as dark as the grave,
And maybe you'll sink in your little blue boat -
It's hope, and hope only, that keeps us afloat

She wasn't always this way, everybody knew it. Lily Evans used to be bold and fiery, she used to sass Slughorn and get away with it. She used to go skinny-dipping in the Black Lake and once convinced Professor Binns to let the class do some historical experimentation by testing the moving stairs of Hogwarts. Once, she stayed at school for the Holidays and organized a huge scavenger hunt for all the kids there. You used to watch her from the shadows and smile at how alive she was.

But then she started dating Adam McKinnon in your fifth year. Adam was the golden boy, Head Boy and captain of the Gryffindor Quidditch team- the kind of guy who never had a bad day. He was a pureblood, but planned to be an auror out of school and wanted to make a difference. And you hated him more than anything.

They were perfect, or so the whispers said. Lily doted on him, wearing his scarf to Quidditch games and he'd sit by her side loyally at every SlugClub meeting and in the library while they studied together. The whispers used to rise into voices whenever the pair came into sight, arms wrapped around each other confidently. You used to turn and become quiet when they came by.

You wanted to know. You were a curious boy, perhaps from being raised in a house of whispers. Luckily, Adam's sister was in your year, and she spent a good deal of time snogging your best mate so you knew a good deal about the couple. You knew that the reason Lily didn't stay for Christmas Holidays in your fifth year was because she stayed with the McKinnons. You knew that Adam asked Mr. McKinnon about the old family ring during the Easter Holidays. You hated your damn curiosity.

And then came the May Massacres. Somehow death eaters managed to get a list of all the muggleborns in Hogwarts, as well as their addresses. And they attacked, slaughtering all of those families. And you knew that Lily Evans lost her parents. You watched as the whispers turned to shouts when Lily Evans was suddenly wearing Adam's grandmother's engagement ring.

But you gritted your teeth and trudged on, even when your mother came back from retirement to help in Mungos and your father didn't have enough time to write. And you certainly kept going when your cousin was killed, tortured by the death eaters and returned in bits and pieces.

You laughed it all off, throwing on a dazzling smirk and spending more time with your hands on a girl than on a quill. You schemed pranks when your mates noticed the Great Hall was too quiet and suddenly people seemed a little happier. But mostly, you watched her from afar.

She wasn't perfect, almost the same height as sturdy Adam, but much smaller than your gangly form. She had pale skin, the color of moonshine, and a smattering of freckles over the bridge of her nose. She was smart, raised her hand often enough in class, always right but never boastful like you were. But most importantly, Lily Evans always stopped, to wave to someone or to help a kid with tutoring.

You'd spoken to her often enough, her often reprehending you and your friends for coming too late to class or for being caught in a broom closet, but it was your outlet, seeing Lily's eyes flash wickedly as she prepared to verbally duel you. It was all you had, but it was never enough.

It always started the same way, formulaic really. You'd fuck up and she'd show up, nose high and eyes filled with mirth to discover whatever you and your mates were up to.

" Alright Evans?" you'd say. And she'd tell you to shut up.

It was really romantic.

You felt like Sisyphus, getting close enough to count the freckles on her nose but if you tried and grabbed that forbidden fruit, she'd frown at you and flash a look at you. It was torture. She was maddening. You were going insane.

And then the incident came, as Sirius liked to call it. You'd noticed that the Lerner twins were crying after the last OWL and decided that picking on Snivelly could cheer up everybody. But it certainly did not cheer her up. In fact, if McKinnon hadn't held her back, you were sure that you'd have left that day broken in more than one place.

But more importantly were her eyes- not the words damning you to the darkest holes of hell. Her eyes screamed the truth- that she was with Adam and that maybe you two had fun arguing, but you were certainly nothing but dust.

So you have up, and summer came. The house was empty for a month, your mum working till dawn and your father practically living in the Department of Magical Law Enforcement. In fact, you saw him more on the cover of the Daily Prophet than you did in the flesh that summer.

And then Sirius ran away so you had your friend and Peter and Remus came by and all of you spent the summer doing absolutely nothing. The last summer had been the transformation and the summer before the map. You knew they only came to distract you, to distract you from the occasional appearances from your parents and from the many absences of it- to distract you from the fact that you were an accident, one that your parents never intended to happen, and certainly were not in the environment to care for.

Summer ended too soon, the school year rearing its ugly head. You didn't see her on the train, spending most of it with the lads talking about future conquests and OWL scores. But you did see her at the feast.

Who didn't see her? She was a sight to behold, suddenly no longer a bold fire, but a wallflower. Her hair wasn't lively curly, merely a chaotic mess of red and her eyes were empty, no longer lit with wind and weather. Her clothing hung off her body loosely and her skin was pale, the freckles seemingly gone and her eyes shadowed by purple and black. But most importantly, there was a lighter band of skin where a ring once sat.

Luckily Sirius was still snogging Marlene McKinnon, who recently dyed her hair blonde and sat with Emmeline Vance and Rick Vance at Ravenclaw table instead of Lily. You'd heard rumors about the McKinnon parents having a bad relationship, but you never expected that Mr. McKinnon would divorce Mrs. McKinnon and that Mrs. McKinnon would try and kill herself. Somehow that changed everything and Lily and Adam were over.

So you watched her, watched her sit with empty eyes beside Mary MacDonald and Dorcas Meadows. You watched her hands shake at the mentioning of Voldemort and her breaths heave with effort. But your stomach lurched as she tensed, looking up and meeting your gaze.

Nothing.

You felt nothing as she stared emptily at you. And you were certain she felt nothing too, for she merely raised an eyebrow at you, demanding silently for you to let her be.

Nothing.

( Well let her sit there and pretend to rule her bloody empty court, you thought)

The school year lurched, sputtering and stopping every few weeks. The death eaters made a daily appearance in the Daily Prophet and the government seemed to be falling to shambles. You watched as your father's image was blackballed in the papers and your peers watched you, the whispers whispering.

But you were busy, McGonagall had chosen you to be Gryffindor's next captain and you had a cup to win. You also had a duty to Remus and a duty to the Marauders to prank and prank. And suddenly the old days were gone, the days were you spent class goofing off were over and suddenly you were hunched over a table taking a test with curled up brows, ruffling your hair in frustration.

So you stopped watching her, and it turned out that everybody else did too.

And she wilted away, like a flower in vase with a neck too tight, like a flower without water. But you didn't notice, caught up in things like finding out where the carpet matched the drapes on all of sixth year Ravenclaw girls.

You were caught up playing some kind of a role that didn't feel right, but a role that snapped into place around your spine and chased out the bad boy. You were the golden boy. James Potter, Quidditch extradinare, defender of the weak, leader of the bold, wittiest and sexiest. You were gold, the horizon stretching over the world. And she, well she was Penelope, wasting away waiting for Odysseus.

The papers told the truth, that there still was a war out there. And you listened to them, read the letters from your mum saying that Aunt Dorea and Uncle Charlus were missing. And you certainly saw the paper of their dead bodies, appearing in December.

You went home and played the golden boy, wrapped up in tight embraces being the man of the house while your dad was off playing the protector. You held your mum as she cried over her best friend's death. You held yourself, wondering if you'd ever get the chance to mourn their deaths or if death would get you first.

When you finally came back to school it was the day before new year's, two days before the break ended. Mum wanted you to come early, try and catch up on work before school started up again. For once you actually did care how your grades turned out, because you wanted to try. You wanted to feel something other than the dull sense of being brilliant- you wanted a challenge.

And challenge came ringing that night. Sirius had gone with Remus for the holidays and Peter was with him mum so you had the castle to yourself. You were standing in front of a window, staring out at the mountains and woods before Hogwarts, before your home.

" I'm sorry about your aunt and uncle."

Her voice was piercing, piercing through the grief, through the act. But you didn't turn, too scared to meet those empty eyes and to see the robes hanging off her figure.

" Thank you."

She was still there. You could hear her soft breaths. You could imagine the canyon between her collar bone and stomach, trenches that you wanted to dive into and hide in. But you couldn't hide, not when your entire family had fallen apart in a matter of a year. You had to stand in the open and let the rain come.

" Did you do the Charms essay?"

The laugh broke out before you could stop. And it was jagged, cold like ice and dark like night. You knew it hurt her, the broken little queen with no one to talk to. The girl who you loved, the first girl who made your heart ache impossibly. The girl you wanted more than anything and the person who challenged you. But she left you in the dark, spending her time vigil by the prophet, eyes on the lists of missing or dead. She spent her time by the window of a castle you couldn't see waiting for Odysseus to come home. And you were no hero.

" Fuck you Potter," she suddenly said. You turned and your eyes took in the sight of her. She wore a sweater and jeans but her stance wasn't strong, it was weak and tired. She seemed slouched, almost as if you could see the weight she was carrying on her shoulders. Her eyes were still empty, but you could make out a breeze in them, clipping against the remains of a fire. She looked tired, tired of waiting.

" Are you just going to stare?" she demanded. " Stare like them!"

She looked ready to implode, ready to fall asleep, ready to give up. But you watched. You watched the ragged breaths heave free from her lungs like skin-divers. You watched the once vibrant curls shake with every agonizing move she made. You watched as her brows furrowed and her fists clenched around nothing but hate.

" Not going to ask me out?" she demanded. " Not going to go and torment some innocent kid or play another cruel prank?"

You stared. The moonlight made her look like a ghost, fading at the edges, fading right in front of you. And you wondered how you could be so stupid. How could you let this happen to her? How could you let Lily Evans turn into a bloody damsel in distress waiting for Adam McKinnon to come back and save her?

So you stepped forward and her features metamorphosed into a look of terror as you towered over her.

" In case you haven't noticed Evans, the world hasn't stopped for McKinnon."

She flinched at his statement, but there was a spark in her eyes, one that he hadn't see in months, one that drove him further.

" I used to love you," he said in a low voice. " Drove myself mad watching you all the bloody time. And you stayed with him like some kind of fucked up fairytale. He's-"

" Lost- his parents they died," Lily spat in return.

And it broke you, seeing her believe in McKinnon when he was… When he was…

" He's a death eater Lily," you said in a soft voice. " You know that right?"

Her eyes filled with tears and her face recoiled back, her lips trembled and her arms shaking slightly. She shut her eyes and held herself so tightly that you wanted to grab her and hold her so she knew that someone else was there for her.

" I loved him," she whispered. " I loved him more than anything."

" And he's off murdering muggleborns," you whispered in return.

She opened her eyes and a sob ripped from her throat, her lips shaking, the bottom shredding under her teeth.

" He saved me- he's just hurt. His parents went missing over the summer and Marlene's a mess and he just needed something stabl-"

" Don't you fucking dare make any excuses for him," You shouted. " You're not fucking Penelope and he's not trying to get home to you. You can't do this. You can't wait for him, because he's killing and he's not good enough for you."

" He saved me," Lily declared, voice stronger. " He waited for me when I was in a bad place so I have to do the same for him."

You ripped a hand through your hair and wondered how she could be so stupid.

" You were mourning. You didn't go Oh yeah joining Voldemort and committing genocide is a great way to cope!"

She flinched but you weren't done. Everybody walked around her like she was a glass menagerie but you wouldn't let her become that. You tried so hard, so hard to leave her alone. But you were James Potter and she was Lily Evans and you loved her so much, enough that you could be strong enough to stop caring about what the world was saying about your dad and how Potters were suddenly akin to endangered.

" I-"

" You let him make you into the kind of girl who needs a white-picket fence and a cat and three kids and bakes muffins! You're not that girl Lily."

" Then what am I?" she cried. " Because I'm not you. I can't be strong when I've lost everything James, I can't just grow up."

And suddenly everything clicked. The way she watched you was new, there was a different edge in her eyes one of respect or jealously- you couldn't decide which and you didn't want to.

" I'm not grown up. I'm scared, my dad get death threats everyday and Sirius was nearly killed by his cousin over Christmas Break. I'm scared because they sent me a recruitment letter last year and Remus hid it from me- he actually thought I'd consider taking their offer! I had to change Lily, I had to change because my mum lost her best friend and my dad can't be there for her, I had to change because my best mate can't trust me. I had to do this."

She was silent and you sighed, hunched over from the weight on your shoulders.

" You can be anything you want, just stop moping after someone who broke your heart, stop waiting for him to come back a changed man, begging for forgiveness. He's not coming back and even if he does, he doesn't deserve your forgiveness."

" I don't know if I'm strong enough-"

" You are," you cut her off. " You're Lily Evans, the girl who used to go skinny dipping in the Black Lake, you made the younger kids a scavenger hunt. For Merlin's Sake, you were the only person who ever stood up to me!"

She was cowered in, almost scared and you knew you were overwhelming her. So you nodded to her and swallowed, locking your jaw in.

" Take care, alright Evans- just take care of yourself," you finally said, turning and leaving her there.

You went back to your Marauders and your girls and your schoolwork. You went back to your parties and Full Moon adventures. But you were different, ready to prank again and ready to stop carrying things that didn't matter. You let go and suddenly the world didn't seem so bad, you were hunched over, dying under the weight of things that didn't matter. But she didn't go back to her empty court or her waiting. She came back, alive and ready to be a new Lily, a different one done with Adam and misery.

She tricked Professor Slughorn into letting them brew moonshine and led a snowball fight one weekend. She helped second years with Charms work and aced every DADA test. She always waved to others and she even glanced your way sometimes, an annoyed expression when one of your mates laughed too loudly or somehow a Slytherin's hair turned pink, but it turned to one of peace.

It was an early February Sunday. You were sitting in the library, working on some Potions assignment, tracking down a book on the powers of the bezoar when the sit next to you was suddenly occupied. You looked up to see her, sitting there, red hair up in a tight ponytail, but wearing a muggle sweater and jeans. She was watching you, hand holding her chin.

" Did you know Odysseus cheated on Penelope when he was on his journey home?"

" Yeah a couple of times," you replied, shoving your glasses up your nose. Her lips twitched.

" What a ponce," she said with a gleam in her eyes.

" I'd say he was more than a ponce," you replied. She smiled and you smiled back.

" Precisely Potter, he was kind of horrible and Penelope still waited for him."

Your heart fell and she shook her head.

" But we're not living in a Greek Epic are we?"

" No we aren't," you answered, voice cracking. She nodded, reaching over and squeezing your shoulders.

" I'll see you around then," she stated, rising to leave. You watched her, unable to say anything as she turned to leave. But then something kicked into shift in your head.

" Evans!"

She turned, face cocked in curiosity. And you watched her, taking in the beauty of the girl who you loved more than the world could see. But she wasn't ready for that yet.

" I'd avoid the pumpkin juice at lunch- it might make you rather fluent in goat bleating," you drawled with a smirk.

" Shut up Potter."

End.

AN: Preface credits to the Penelopiad.

R&R
-Rin