Happy Birthday, Noah. Rachel typed into the empty text box. She took a few seconds to gather her thought for her birthday message to him but ended up just staring at the blinking cursor for a good minute before she gave up with a sigh. What do you say to someone you loved utterly and completely before that said someone left for another country to pursue his dreams?
They have been broken up for 5 months now. Ever since he decided that finding a job in a different country was a more feasible option than staying with Rachel in New York. She was heartbroken, of course. She still was, if she was honest with herself. But that wasn't something she should be, she told herself through the course of her five months as a free woman. Up and coming Broadway actresses don't get heartbroken, she would think to herself whenever something reminded her of Noah, Broadway actresses take their broken hearts and pour out their emotions on the stage, where it belongs! That doesn't seem to work most of the time. She ends up curled up beneath her covers with tears running down her face as she falls asleep.
I miss…
Rachel's fingers froze. Realizing what she was about to say to the boy who broke her heart, she squeezed her eyes shut and opened them again, her forefinger now on the backspace button of her keyboard. She found some sort of satisfaction as she watched the words she previously typed disappear into oblivion.
No, she berated herself, do not give him the idea that you're not fine. You. Are. Fine.
She bit her lip and started typing.
I hope you are enjoying your life and you will be happy with whatever comes your way. Enjoy your birthday, Noah. Take care of yourself. All my love, Rachel her email read.
The letter is pretty casual even with the 'All my love, Rachel' part right?, Rachel thought. The arrow hovers over to the discard button a couple of times before she took the plunge and pressed the send button. Too late.
After sending the message she immediately felt the need to send another, just a friendly one. Just to ask how he's doing. Just to see if he's alright in whatever foreign country he's in. But then she knocked some sense back into her head and told herself that she shouldn't go back to that path again, she can't let herself be sucked back into this complicated web they managed to weave between them. When he replies to one of her messages she always answers immediately, and she inadvertently waits for him to respond again. Then she feels the bitter taste of disappointment when he takes hours or even days to reply. No, she won't go down that road again. So she quickly logged off and turned in to sleep. Midnight had passed and she's sure that he'll be partying it up somewhere to celebrate, so he won't be reading the message in hours. She closed her eyes with a soft sigh and resigned herself to the fact that this year and in the years to come, she'll never be a part of his birthdays again.
She woke up to the sound of her phone ringing. The offending sound blared throughout her bedroom. She picked up her Blackberry and looked at the time. Who could be calling her at 3 in the morning? She squinted at the sudden brightness of her phone and saw a bunch of numbers lighting up on the screen. Please don't let this be a prank call, she thought as she pressed the accept button.
"Hello?" she breathed into her phone and sat up from her pillows.
"Rach..."
Rachel's hand free hand instinctively clutched at the blanket that covered her. She felt like she'd been slammed in the chest with cold water.
"Noah?" she whispered. She knew that voice from anywhere, from a crowd, but she doubts herself. She's not exactly in a proper state of mind. Why would he call out of the blue after 5 months?
"Hi," he said.
"Hello, Noah." Rachel said softly. The line goes silent, except she hears him breathing.
"It's my birthday today," he stated suddenly and punctuates it with a deep breath.
"I know..."
"You do? I thought you forgot." He seemed genuinely surprised that she'd remembered his birthday.
Rachel lets out a nervous laugh, "Noah, of course I wouldn't forget. I send you an e-mail to greet you a few hours ago. You haven't read it yet, I suppose."
"Right…" Puck said softly, She can actually imagine him scratching the back of his head out of habit when he speaks. "Right. I guess I just expected a call or something…just like last year. And the year before that."
Rachel took her time to speak and carefully chose her words. She didn't want to sound like she was accusing him of anything. "I would have, Noah…but I don't know your number anymore."
"Yeah…sorry about that. I didn't mean to be so distant...I just thought it'd be better for us, you know?"
Silence.
Rachel was at a loss for words. She didn't know what to think of this conversation she was having with her ex-love of her life, much more know the right things to say.
"I…" Rachel started and stopped, not really knowing what to utter. She attempted to re-start the conversation but cut herself off before she could even start. Puck heard every one of her false starts and couldn't help but chuckle.
"What?" she asked with a nervous laugh, "Why are you laughing?"
"It's nothing," he replied, "I thought I'd never see the day that you'd be speechless."
Rachel's lips turned up into a small smile, though she really didn't feel happy at all. "Things change, I guess…"
Her words hung in air between them. The silence seemed to be pregnant with things they never said, should have said and will never say.
"I hope not."
"Excuse me?" Rachel's brows furrowed in confusion.
"I hope not everything changed," he clarified, "I'd feel like shit if everything changed and you wouldn't be you when I come back home."
Rachel's end of the line was silent. She couldn't speak, she couldn't think of anything to say to what Puck had just uttered. And for some strange reason, she didn't feel anything remotely related to sadness. Instead, she felt anger rising up from within her.
"I don't think you have any say at what will and will not change," she said quietly, her voice devoid of emotion.
"What?" Puck's voice suddenly getting louder, as his voice usually does when he gets defensive.
"You're not here. You can't tell me to not change a thing. A lot of things have changed since you left. Fuck, a shitload of things changed when you told me of your grand plans of leaving." She answered. She spoke quickly and her words began to ram into each other.
"So you've started cursing now, when did that happen?" Tension builds up between them and they both feel it, even while thousands of miles apart.
"I learned from the best," she clipped. She hears muffled movements from the other end, she can imagine him pacing around his room, or wherever he was and knocking off whatever he can reach to ease the tension. Then, she hears a whispered Goddamit, Rachel. Some things never really change, Rachel thought.
"What the fuck do you want from me?" Puck spat out. Rachel knew not to take his blusters of profanities at face value, she learned from all their years together that cursing was just his defense mechanism when things got tough.
"I just want you to explain," Rachel shot back, no longer trying to contain her agitation.
"Explain what? I gave you all the explanations you needed."
"We could've worked, Noah. You loved me and I loved you. We could've done this." She said. She could feel her hands start to shake.
"What? A long distance relationship? That's bullshit. You saw how Finn and Quinn fucked up with that. I don't even know when I'm coming back, Rachel."
"I just…" Rachel let out a shaky breath, "I would have waited...I would've waited if you asked me to."
Silence. Rachel waited for Puck to say something. The dead air between them was torturous, and she couldn't help but let her tears fall. There, I've said it. Now break my heart, Puckerman, Rachel's voice echoed in her head.
Puck breathed heavily. Rachel lifted her hand and ran it through her hair.
"Say something…" Rachel pleaded softly. She didn't care if he heard her crying.
"I didn't want to make you wait any more than you should." He said, his voice strained, his words slow.
She sniffled. "Isn't that something I should decide for myself?" Her voice wavered.
"Baby…" Puck whispered with a sigh.
Rachel was proud that she managed to hold some control of her voice this deep into the conversation, but all restraint broke loose when she heard him say that one word that reminded her of everything that was.
"You left me," she broke down into quiet sobs. "You didn't want me."
"Please don't say that…" Puck pleaded. "God, Rachel, don't cry."
He kept quiet and listened to Rachel's sobs turn to soft hiccups. He gripped the phone tightly and bit down on his jaw to keep from crying like a baby.
"Tell me why," she said in between jagged breaths.
"Rachel…"
"Tell me why," she repeated, a little more forceful. Puck shut his eyes and ran his hand over his face, trying to formulate the best explanation.
"I just want to be better." Puck started, "I wanted to do something for myself. I knew I couldn't make you happy if I stayed the way I was."
"I don't understand…how will your leaving me make me happy?"
"I have dreams for myself now. I didn't have them before you." Puck said. "This new job…it's everything I thought I couldn't have when we were in high school. If I didn't leave, I would've made your life fucking miserable with all my whining and I'd be close to killing you when you nag me about not living up to my potential."
Rachel bit her lip to keep a sob from escaping her mouth. She knew it killed him when she cries.
"I…"
"I fucking miss you." Puck blurted out and surprising Rachel with his blatant admission, "I miss you so much. But I can't do this to you."
It takes Rachel a second to realize that he really did say the words she thought he said. Laying back down on her pillows and curling into herself she whispers into the phone, "I miss you too…"
"I called you because it's my birthday…" Puck admitted after a second's hesitation, "I needed to hear your voice for it to be my birthday."
"Oh, Noah…" Rachel sighed, "Happy 25th."