The Beauty of Despair:
A Malkavian Love Story
Sitting in the dark. He is watching. He's been watching. For weeks. Waiting. For what? Rape me. Kill me. Just stop watching.
Just watching. Like time has no meaning. Following slowly. In the shadows. But I could feel him. I just want to know. What does he want from me? I'm losing it. I'm going crazy. Insane. Losing my mind. Fear. Paranoia. Scared. Confused. What is happening?
And he's just watching.
She was beautiful. The Pale moon shone on her. Tall. Thin. Pale. I can see her ribs under her shirt. I know she hasn't eaten in days. Raven hair. A hint of blue brings out her bright sapphire eyes.
I chuckle to myself. I've been around a long time. A very long time. I've tasted all sorts of beauty. But never like this. Never like her.
I should just take her. Eat. Throw her away. The Lust is strong. But the loneliness is stronger. I will take her. I will eat. But this one I think I will keep.
The smell. The taste. All in the air. I will take her.
I have made my decision.
I am going crazy. I know this. But doesn't that mean I am not crazy. I feel it change. The air of the room. He is going to make his move.
I feel his eyes hot all over me. Something excited in me. He's luring me to want him. Something supernatural inside him is calling me to him. The room fills with lust and passion.
He walks. No lurks. He lurks out of the shadows. He sits down at the bar beside me. "A pretty lady like you all alone. In a place like this?" "It's the only place I can get a fix. Get off my back." "Can I buy you a drink? Or a needle?"
Confused. I don't understand his game. But I push aside the apprehension.
Because I am high. Because I only want to get higher. I always want to get higher. And because somewhere inside the dark stranger something called to me. And whatever his game was, I was going to be playing high. I nod my head.
"Heroin" I said with a twisted smile. After all. I am crazy.
She nodded her head. "Heroin" I hailed the bar keep. "1 shot of Heroine and a pack of Parliaments" I said with a twisted smile. After all. I am crazy.
He's a smoker. Figures. All serial killers are smokers. Aren't they? Well he is.
I'm going to die tonight.
I pull a pack of Black's from my purse. If he's going to light up. I am to. I pull the first drag into my lungs. I relax. Thinking. About the drugs soon to be flowing through my body.
She pulls a pack of Black's out of her purse. She's a smoker. Figures. All heroin addicts are smokers. Aren't they? Well she is. Good.
She's going to die tonight.
The bar keep returns. A needle. Some elastic. A pack. I light up the first smoke. I drag heavily on it and blow a cloud into the air.
She's going to die tonight.
Then she's really going to live.
I take the shot the barkeep leaves. I begin to tie the elastic. He stops me. He takes them from me.
"Hand me your arm. It's only civil that I should do this for you. Me being a gentleman and all."
He is mad. I don't care. As far and I know. We're all mad here. I'm mad.
I hand him my arm. He caresses it gently over scars and tattoos. Over tracks. He kisses it.
He gently but firmly ties the band around my arm. He waits for the blood to rise in my veins. He uncaps the needle. He takes it and slowly pushed it into my body. The high is all I think about. I'm always high. I'm always crazy. As long as I can remember. I always have been.
"Ready?" "Always."
He begins pushing the drugs into my blood stream.
High.
I take the needle from her. Even though I'm going to kill her. I'm still a gentleman. And I am crazy. I gently stroke her arm. The scars. The tattoos. The tracks.
They are all beauty to me. Beautiful failures. Beautiful Madness. Beautiful Mistakes.
I tie her off. I slowly pierce her pale white flesh with the needle. I being to get. High. Off the ecstasy in her face.
"Ready?" "Always."
I'm crazy. I'm going to kill her tonight. I slowly push the drug into her blood stream.
I see her. I see her in the beauty of despair.
Those drugs will soon be in my blood too. After I kill her. Then we will both be.
High.
I continue smoking. I do it all the time. I know how to be high. The clove tastes warm in my mouth.
He's watching again. Just smoking. And watching.
I'm going to die tonight. And I don't even care.
She continues smoking. So do I. She's good. She knows how to be high.
She's going to die tonight.
And she doesn't even know what she's getting into.
"Let's get out of this place."
I stand up and silently follow. Almost too high. Never high enough. Never.
I am drawn to follow. I'm crazy.
A guy I just met. Shooting me up. Leading me away. I'm crazy.
I smoke.
I smoke. She silently follows.
I draw her to follow.
She's crazy. I'm crazy.
I'll take her home. Then it will get really crazy.
She smokes.
We begin walking through alleys and side streets. Feels like a dream. I'm high.
I'm going to die tonight.
Walking to walk. Breathing cause it's convenient. Goes on forever.
I follow him down to a basement apartment.
It's dark. I'm high.
I lead her into my basement apartment. It's dark. She's high.
I turn on some dim red lamps. Mood lighting if you will. I'm crazy after all.
I'm going to kill her.
"Come here my darling. My black Rose of Despair."
"Anything for you. I'm going to die tonight."
"Yes you are my dear."
"And we're both mad."
"Yes we are my dear."
"Let's fuck."
I don't know why I said it. High. I always want to fuck when I'm high. But this time I need to.
I'm going to die.
I'm not sure why she said that. She is crazy. She said so herself. And so am I. So what's left to do?
Fuck.
He took me. Drew me close to him.
I feel his breath on my neck.
He whispers to me.
"It's going to be ok, I promise."
I meant it. I always say it. I always took them home. I am a gentleman. I always told them it would be ok. Then I gave them the best night of their life. Then they died.
Tonight would be different. She will die. But it won't end there.
She will be my new Rose.
I have chosen.
"This time, I promise."
I shivered as he said it. I'm going to die. But it's going to be ok.
He began to kiss my neck. I melted under his cold lips.
Then it got crazy.
I wanted to make it last. I wanted it to be different. To be special.
I kissed her tenderly. She shivered.
This isn't me.
I took her into my arms and threw her onto the bed. She gasped.
This was better. Much better.
I could make it last.
I let my hunger slowly rise into passion. I walked over to her shivering body.
He threw me onto the bed. High. I loved it.
At least my last fuck would be a good one.
I loved the pain. I loved the violence.
He walked to the bed. I saw the fire in his eyes.
And I was sure he saw the fear. The pleasure. In mine.
The fear in her eyes fueled my passion.
I pinned her to the bed. "Don't move."
His tone was strong and in control. I willingly withered under his will.
I loved it.
I don't know why. But I would never think about questioning him.
I don't know why. But I was completely under his control.
She wouldn't move. I knew she was mine.
Now. Time to play. Bide your time.
"Are you afraid my love. My Rose."
"Should I be?"
"YES!"
I was not. I knew I should be. I had been through too much.
I was ready to die.
This shallow life was not worth living.
"At least I might go to heaven. If I'm murdered."
This was not what I wanted to hear.
I slapped her. Hard.
Everything was hard when it came to me.
She whimpered. But I knew she loved it.
Even if she didn't understand.
"No. You won't. You can't. Ever. Not after tonight."
That scared me. Who was this man?
Shocked. Out of my high.
Confused. Lost.
Who was this man?
"Who are you? Why are you saying these things to me?"
"Shut up. There will be time enough later."
"What…"
"Shut up!"
Another slap. I'd been hit before. But this hurt. A lot.
I shut up.
He got on top of me. I shivered.
Now I was afraid. With this awful fear.
It made me feel more alive than I had ever felt.
I think I wanted to scream.
"No!"
I took the silk scarf off the edge of the bed.
I gagged her. Not that it would do much good.
Soon nothing would be able to hold back her cries.
Passion.
Pain.
Fear.
Then she will die.
Then she will truly live.