AN: Originally I was going to make this more drabbles, but well, life got in the way and now I'm posting this. I don't own Harry Potter, not even close! :D
This fear has me chilled down to the bone
And I have been haunted by these things I still have left to say
I'm weary of fighting this alone
So tired of holding on to strings much better left to fray
Severus knew his time was coming to an end. It was only a matter of time until the Dark Lord requested his presence, and of course, he couldn't say no. Oh, how he wished he could. All he wanted was one more glimpse of the bushy-haired, intelligent girl he loved. He wanted to tell her he loved her. He wanted to say he was sorry. He wanted to comfort her, tell her all about his past. He wanted to tell her she should be his, not that red-headed Weasley's.
Severus staggered across the grounds, trying to prolong the inevitable as long as possible. Maybe he could find Potter before...well. He was so tired. His limbs and muscles ached, and he just needed rest. He needed to close his eyes. He was sick of all the lies, pretending to be Voldemort's, pretending he wasn't really Dumbledore's all along. The thing that he hated the most was that not even the girl he loved knew his true allegiance.
Why couldn't he let go? Why did he still have a piece of his heart that wanted Lily? Why was he still listening to a dead man's orders, still protecting her son? It wasn't even his child; it wasn't even her child with someone he liked. Severus sighed. Of course he couldn't let go, although he needed to. So maybe it was better the know-it-all was with Weasley. After all, what did he have to offer her other than a broken heart and broken promises?
And I said
Hear me now here and now I'm calling
Memories wear me down
And this seems so complicated
When all I want is just the truth
Why couldn't the stupid witch know he wanted her desperately? His heart ached for her, screamed her name. Then, his arm burned, like it was scorching with fire that could never be doused, and he knew it was the end. Severus drew in a breath, and disapparated, his fingers pressed to his mark. The Dark Lord's eyes were full of hatred and contempt. He must know. Must know of his betrayal, his traiterous ways, his love for two Mudbloods in a row...
He was speaking to Severus now, but he couldn't concentrate on the words, only on an afternoon, not long ago. "So, you've chosen." His voice was flat, betraying no emotion, though he was dying on the inside. Not again...
"Well, you've given me no choice, have you? If you wanted me, you wouldn't..." the girl's voice cracked, "that is, you...wouldn't have done what you did."
"Oh, don't you insult my intelligence!" Severus snapped. "You know your mind was made up long ago! It was him, it always was!"
Her eyes were full of sadness, and she crossed the space between them to caress his cheek. "And it seems you have already made yours as well, love. You know I am not her." Tears threatened to spill from the man's eyes, but he would not show Voldemort this weakness. Besides, he would not get love. Why were they so complicated? Why couldn't it be as simple as they loved each other? It was never enough, he mused. Never enough for her, or for him. Playing second fiddle to another that had stolen their heart long ago. But that wasn't true for him, he realized with a moment of clarity. She was his. He was hers. If he hadn't been such a git that afternoon, and just told her, trusted her, they would have each other.
Did she still love him? He hoped so. He snapped out of his thoughts in time to hear a gargled hiss leave the Dark Lord's lips. The snake attacked. Scarlet pooled on the floor; his killer was gone, taking the master with it, a pleased smile gracing his lips.
I'm wilted and faded after all
Too strung out and burned out to be half the man that I could be
I'll never belong inside your world
So black out the sun and leave me to play out this same old tragedy
The cursed Golden Trio crowded around his broken body. The only one Severus was happy to see was Hermione, but he didn't want her to see him like this. He could see the pain in her eyes, the sobs threatening to claw out of her throat. He was sad and fading fast, but at least he could see her one last time.
He wanted to hear her name tumble from his lips one more time. He wanted to comfort her, tell her it was alright, that he was the man she wanted him to be along. But his consciousness was hanging on the edge, his muscles refusing to cooperate with his mind and heart.
"What should we do, Hermione?" Harry whispered. "I don't know, Harry. Could you look inside my bag, please? Maybe my dittany is in there." Her voice soothed his weary soul, and she knelt on the ground beside him. "Professor?" The word cut him deeply. So, they were back to that? "Yes," Severus answered hoarsely.
"Oh! Harry! He's not dead yet." Could he detect relief in Hermione's voice? "It'll be alright," she whispered to him, pushing the hair back from his bloody face. Oh, she was still so good to him. He didn't deserve it. He didn't deserve to be a part of her life. She should just leave him alone with Potter and Weasley, that's what he deserved. Not someone as good to him as her. Weasley took her hand, probably to comfort the girl, but still his memory went to another. Another he had loved that had been stolen by another better for her. Was this always his fate, then?
And I said
Here me now here and now I'm calling
Memories wear me out
And this seems too complicated
When all I want is just the truth
Here me now here and now I'm calling
Memories wear me out
And this seems too complicated
When all I want is just the truth
"Potter!" Severus called desperately. Suddenly it was imperative that he not die in vain. The boy needed to know his motives, the reasons why he was still alive. The girl needed to see that he only wished he could tell her the truth. Oh, if only he could take it all back.
"Take them," he told him firmly. "Take my memories to the Pensieve." Harry obliged, taking a vial from Hermione's bag and holding it to collect the memories pouring from his tear ducts.
Everything he had experienced in life came pouring forth, and he only hoped it was enough. This was all he could give, and yet it was satisfactory enough, if not quite what he wanted. She would understand.
Weasley kissed Hermione's forehead, and with all the coldness he could muster, Severus muttered, "Must you display that vile teenage affection in front of me, Weasley? At least respect a dying man's wishes." When he turned to her face, he could tell she knew the real reason he asked. Still, he had to be sure...
"Come here," he beseeched Potter. When they were face-to-face, he said, "You have your mother's eyes." As expected, Hermione's face contorted with pain. Why couldn't she just tell him she loved him?
His eyes closed, too weary to keep themselves open. He felt something being dabbed at his throat, and a murmur from the girl that sounded like concern.
"Must take him...Pensieve...bezoar...save him, Harry!" His failing brain only caught snippets of conversation, and then he welcomed the comforting darkness.
You're my savior after all
Use your flame to guide me home
And then lay your hand on me
Severus was hallucinating, he was sure. He was dead, and now he was being tortured with a slow death. Hermione was by his side, telling him he couldn't leave her, that she was an idiot for not telling him she loved him. She explained that she saved him, that he was in the hospital wing. His eyes fluttered constantly, never getting a clear situation, convincing him that he really was hallucinating.
He wanted to fight for her. Hermione was his, he wouldn't let her get away. He followed her brightness. Whenever he felt the darkness overwhelm him, he looked to the light she gave to be again.
He could have sworn her hand caressed his cheek.
And I said
Hear me now here and now I'm calling
Memories wear me down
And this seems too complicated
When all I want is just the truth
Hear me now here and now I'm calling
Memories wear me out
And this seems too complicated
When all I want is just the truth
His eyes opened.