Summer break bored me enough to write this, so I might as well post it. Disclaimer: I don't own Nobody. ...I'll go bang my head against the wall for that bad pun, okay D: So, read on, don't worry, there aren't anymore of those, it's safe.
Recon in Karakura Town
"Axel," Xemnas said to the fiery redhead as they passed each other in the Castle's hall, "the Darkness has formed another path—I would like for you to investigate it. Take Xigbar with you—I've had complaints from Demyx and Roxas about his, ah, intrusive habits."
"Oh, uh, right, well, Saix had—" Axel stammered, trying to free himself from recon with Xigbar.
"I've already spoken to Saix. You're not on another assignment. Take Xigbar, and go." Xemnas spoke softly, but firmly. He shuffled through the stack of papers he carried and handed one to Axel. "This will give you the coordinates, and a brief description of what to expect when you first emerge in that world. You must verbally tell Xigbar what this paper says."
Axel sighed. "Yes, Superior. I'll get on that right away."
"Oh, Axel," Xemnas called as the redhead began walking away. "Xigbar's outside of Demyx's room. Apparently Demyx and Roxas are playing Mortal Kombat, or something."
"Thanks. I guess."
"Hey, Demyx, Roxxie," Axel said as he pushed open the door to Demyx's room. "Sorry to burst in, but I need the pirate that's outside your window."
"There's a pirate outside my window?" Demyx exclaimed. "Omigosh, do you think he'd take me on his pirate ship?" Roxas sighed, and put his face in his hands.
"Uh, this pirate would prefer firing his cannon at you… or in, rather," Axel coughed. He patted the rocker on the head as he walked by, towards the window. He stuck his head out. "Hey, Xigbar."
Xigbar stopped in mid-sneak, with his foot poised high in the air. He turned around to face Axel. "Hey, flames-y-locks, didn't see ya there."
"Uh, yeah, whatever. Superior wants us to do recon. Mandatory."
Xigbar narrowed his eye and glanced away. "Uh, what does mandatory mean again?"
"That if you try to get away, I'm authorized to burn your ass up," Axel threatened. "Meet me in the courtyard in five minutes. Any longer, and I'll see how you feel about being shot with your own gun."
"Right. Be there in a sec." Xigbar sighed, and headed in the general direction of the courtyard. "Damn. Nothing goes right. First, that Xehanort guy ends up being my boss for life. Then, that Terra guy, then that Aqua girl. Then, Sora. And now, I can't even have fun with Demyx anymore."
"Sheesh, that guy needs a better hobby," Axel grimaced. He glanced down at the paper Xemnas had given him. "I sure hope this doesn't take long…"
"If he talks too much, tell him I'll shove my keyblade up his—"
"Roxas, not in front of Demyx," Axel reprimanded. "You know he's innocent. Somehow."
"Yep! I'm innocent!" Demyx exclaimed. "Can I have a cookie, Axel?"
"Uh, sure. I think Xaldin's baking right now. Tell him that I said you were a good boy." Axel patted Demyx on the head again. "Well, I should be going now."
"Good luck, Axel," Roxas said.
"Yeah, thanks, Roxxie."
"You're late, flames-y-locks," Xigbar complained.
"Only because I figured you weren't gonna show up," Axel sighed and held up his left hand. Darkness sprang from the ground, creating a portal.
"So, where are we going?"
"Oh, right. The briefing." Axel held up the paper. "Target coordinates: 300.16, 52.09. Target name: Karakura Town. Target description: Duel world, Keyblade users called 'Soul Reapers,' Heartless are known as Hollows, and can only be seen by certain people, there are advanced Heartless that take on forms similar to Nobodies."
"Sounds interesting. Heartless like Nobodies?" Xigbar mused.
"Sounds like a pain. Guess we better get going." Axel stepped towards the portal.
"Whoa, whoa, whoa. Mansex didn't put additional notes on that piece of tree?" Xigbar gestured. "He always puts additional notes."
"You never read, so how would you know?" Axel stalled. He really didn't want to read the additional note.
"Yah, well, I've had them read at me. So, read it."
"Erm, okay then, you asked for it. Additional note: Don't let Xigbar see the Soul Reaper called Kenpachi, or we really will have to replace him. Don't let Xigbar out of your sight, period." Axel shrugged. "I wonder who Kenpachi is, though."
"Sounds interesting. We should go looking for him." Xigbar stepped through the portal with a bounce.
"Hopefully, if he dies, I won't get blamed for it. Xemnas knows how he is with orders," Axel grumbled. He followed through the portal, slower than the pirate.
"Hey, Axel."
"Yeah, Xigbar."
"This place has a shitload of people." Xigbar looked around in amazement. There were people, everywhere. And not a single person looked at them.
"You could have put it in a better way, but yeah. That term is accurate." Axel waved his hand in front of a boy. He kept on walking. "They can't see us."
Xigbar perked up. He scrutinized the passer-by, and chose his target. He stepped behind a busty woman, and grabbed her ass. She squealed, turned around, and slapped the man walking behind Xigbar.
"Holy shit! I love it here," Xigbar gasped out, while folded over with laughter. Axel chuckled quietly.
"Okay, we're supposed to be on assignment," Axel pointed out.
"Yeah, right. Not until I'm done playing, man," Xigbar began choosing victims with malicious pleasure.
"Don't go too far," Axel warned. "I'll check out these buildings, see what they are."
"What the?" Renji stood on the top of a building of Karakura Town, looking down at two suspicious figures. They had emerged from darkness, which meant there was a possibility that there were Hollows, except that their darkness was different. Renji fingered his Soul Phone, wondering if he should call it in with Captain Hitsugaya, before he realized that one of the figures was a redhead. Intrigued, he decided on surveillance for a little longer.
Renji watched in silence as the two men realized they were unseen to normal humans. The one-eyed one began playing with this fact, while the redhead began looking around in the buildings.
"They're on a recon mission," Renji realized. He quickly grabbed his phone.
"Xigbar," Axel whispred. Xigbar jumped.
"Dude! You should know better than to whisper in my ear on missions, it gets me on, man!"
Axel inwardly cringed. "Right. Well, look, on top of that building in front of us."
"That redhead with the phone? You want me to shoot him?" Xigbar asked without looking.
"You knew about him and didn't say anything?" Axel sighed.
"Welp, I knew he was there, but I didn't think he could see us. He must be that Soul Bearer."
"Reaper. Soul Reaper. And yeah, shoot."
"'Kay." Xigbar held up his hands and summoned his guns. He took careful (not really) aim, and shot.
Renji dropped his phone as he jumped backwards to dodge the dart aimed at his face.
"Shit," he cursed as it fell to the bottom of the building. "I thought they didn't notice me."
"Well, you were wrong," a voice from behind him said. Renji whirled around, surprised to see the one-eyed man and the redhead looking at him.
"Flashstep? No, I would have seen you… How'd you get up here so fast?" Renji asked as he drew his Zanpakuto.
"What's a 'flashstep'? I just teleported up here with my awesome spatial power. I'm Xigbar, by the way," here Xigbar winked in what he believed to be a sexy way. Renji, and Axel, winced.
"Xigbar, don't scare him away," Axel groaned. "We need information."
"Hey, you're the one that said shoot."
"Who are you two?" Renji asked. He watched the two, unsure if this act was to put him off-guard.
"No one that you should be too worried about. So, who are you?" Axel crossed his arms. Renji narrowed his eyes, more than slightly confused.
"Axel, he's obviously confused," Xigbar pointed out, knowing the look of confusion from being confused so often himself.
"Hey, Kenny, look!" A cheery voice came from above.
"Don't give me that. We're lost again; and not even in the Soul Society." Kenpachi growled at Yachiru. Renji stared up in amazement for a moment before saluting.
"Captian Zaraki!"
"Oh, you. And who are these two?" Kenpachi asked, staring at Xigbar, who, in turn was staring back.
"Axel," Xigbar grabbed the redhead by the shoulders, "looooooook. He has an eye-patch like I do. We found our long lost twins."
"You've got to be kidding me," Axel groaned. Renji even looked like he wanted to slap the pirate. Kenpachi looked amused.
"You," he pointed at Xigbar. "You look strong. How about a fight?"
"He said I look strong," Xigbar said, practically squealing and bouncing. "Hell, yeah, I'm all over it." He summoned his guns and instantaneously appeared, upside-down in front of Kenpachi. "I'm totally ready, sexy."
Kenpachi hesitated a moment before drawing his Zanpakuto. Yachiru, Renji, and Axel gave Xigbar a vaguely disgusted look.
"You're friend is, how should I put it, completely whacko," Renji pointed out.
"Yeah," Axel conceded. "My superior forced me to bring him. He'd been hassling the other members. This recon mission would've gone so much smoother without him."
"Recon, huh?"
"Oh, I shouldn't be talking about the mission." Axel glanced up at Xigbar, who was shooting at Kenpachi. Kenpachi, in turn, was just standing there. "But, I wasn't supposed to let Xigbar see that Kenpachi character either."
"Why?" Renji questioned.
"Probably the superior figured something like this would happen," Axel sighed. "You know where I could get a drink?"
"There's a nice bar down the street. Just let me get my gigai and we'll go."
"You're what?" Axel asked.
"Gigai. It's a fake body that we Soul Reapers use when in the human world."
"Oh. You need one of those for those people down there to see you?"
"Yeah," Renji said. Axel considered this for a moment.
"I guess I need one of those, then."
"Well, we could go to Urahara's shop, and see if Kisuke could make you a gigai. It might take a while though," Renji suggested.
"If I need one of those to interact with the people, then I'll need one if I'm going to perform recon."
"Well, follow me then."
"Well well, what have we here?" Urahara questioned as Renji led Axel into the store. Axel looked around the store curiously. "Not a Soul Reaper, not a Hollow or Vizard… What exactly are you?"
"A Nobody," Axel replied.
"I don't know what that is," Urahara admitted. Renji looked surprised.
"Someone without a heart," Axel said, picking up a small box. "What's this?"
"Something that could get you killed," a thick, dark man said behind Axel. The redhead quickly put the box back on its original shelf.
"Now, now, Tessai. So, Nobody, what are you here for?"
"Axel needs a gigai, Kisuke," Renji interjected.
"Yeah. If I'm going to perform recon, I need one."
"And what exactly are you performing recon on?" Urahara looked at Axel closely, from under his hat.
"Well, basically I'm checking how many Heartless—here you call them Hollows—there are. I haven't seen any yet," Axel added, speaking only half the truth.
"Really. I suppose I might have a spare gigai. I originally kept it in case Renji somehow manages to mangle his."
"What would I have to do to get this gigai?" Axel asked.
"Tell me what you're really here for."
Axel narrowed his eyes. This man, Kisuke Urahara, dressed in shabby, loose clothing, was a lot more perceptive than he let on. Those eyes, hidden under hat and hair, saw much.
"This is… really awkward," Axel squirmed. Urahara had good-naturedly busted out laughing after a short stare-down with him, and slapped him on the back hard enough to send him face first into a little girl's bowl of soup. Renji had then been forced to clean up the mess, being accused of being a moocher. After that, Urahara had taken Axel to the back, and instructed him as to how to enter a gigai.
Axel lifted his hands up, and focused on summoning his chakrams. After a moment of concentration, his Eternal Flames finally appeared in his hands.
"What's up with this body? It reacts slowly," Axel complained.
"It's not used to your kind of Spiritual Energy. You're composition is more like a Vizard than a Soul Reaper," Urahara taught. "This is my own personal brand of gigai, so it should begin to react faster as it learns."
"You mean you created this? I bet you're smarter than Vexen," Axel said, impressed.
"I don't know who Vexen is, but I would say you're probably right," Urahara laughed.
"Here's that box you wanted," a small boy walked in, handing Urahara a small box. "Who's this, anyway? Another moocher?"
"Now, now, Jinta. It's probably just some DNA defect that makes redheaded men moochers," Urahara laughed. Axel froze. He had somehow became a potential slave, and he didn't want to end up like Renji.
"I'm dying my hair when I get older," Jinta muttered. He looked up at Axel expectantly.
"Oh, right. I'm Axel, got it memorized?" He smiled charmingly, tapping his head with his index finger.
"You're more annoying than Renji. Better pay up, or get lost," Jinta said, strutting out of the door. Urahara laughed. Axel was slowly beginning to realize that just about everyone in this world was a complete prat.
"You know, he is right about that 'better pay up, or get lost' bit." Urahara looked closely at Axel from beneath his hat.
"Uh, you take Munny, right?" Axel asked, pulling out his Munny pouch. Urahara perked up until he saw the golden jewels.
"That's no kind of money I'm familiar with," Urahara said, picking up one of the jewels. "I'll need to see how much these things are actually worth. Ururu!"
A small girl with pigtails walked in the room. "Y-yes, sir?" Urahara handed her the Munny.
"I want you to see how much of our money that's worth, okay?" Ururu nodded, and walked out. "You'll have to stay here until then," he nodded at Axel.
"Uh, right," Axel said, slowly following Urahara out, into a room with a low table. Renji, Tessai, and the two kids were already seated and eating. Also present was a dark lady, with curve showing clothes.
"Yoruichi!" Urahara yelled. "I didn't know you'd be back so soon."
Axel stood awkwardly for the next five minutes as Urahara abandoned all thought of him and struck up a conversation with Yoruichi. Renji finally took pity on him.
"Hey, Axel, sit over here," Renji said, patting the pillow next to him.
"Oh, uh, right." Axel carefully maneuvered over next to Renji, carefully trying to avoid looking at Jinta, who was staring at the redhead with his 'moocher killer' look.
"Here, have some rice," Renji offered. Axel shook his head.
"Nah, I'm not hungry. Superior authorized Vexen to create a once-a-day meal plan to cut costs. I've already eaten."
"Maybe we should do that," Jinta said. He stared at Renji. Then, Jinta stared at Axel.
"What?" Renji asked, mouth full of rice.
"Are you two related? You both have red hair, and tattoos. And are extremely annoying," Jinta said. Both redheads wilted slightly.
"No, we're not," Renji said. "Never met him before today."
"Oh, yes!" Urahara suddenly exclaimed. "Ururu, did you put that Munny thing into the—" A machine in another room suddenly beeped.
"Yes, sir. That would be it," Ururu whispered. She stood up, and quickly walked into the back room. A moment of silence passed before she came back with a Munny jewel and a piece of paper that she handed to Urahara.
"Okay," Urahara mumbled as he read through the paper. Yoruichi slyly confiscated the Munny jewel and began passing it from hand to hand. "Pure gold… Oh. Munny seems to be pure gold."
Axel nudged Renji. "Is pure gold good?" he whispered.
"Uh, I think that here, in the world of humans, it's one of the most expensive materials. But then again, I'm not too sure," Renji admitted.
"You're not sure?"
"Well, as a lieutenant, my responsibilities had been in the Soul Society. But now, because I had become friends with Ichigo, I'm stuck here, in the world of humans."
"Oh, so, the Soul Reapers are ranked according to ability?" Axel asked.
"Yeah," Renji looked surprised. "Isn't your group ranked like that? And how do you know about Soul Reapers, anyway?"
"We have numbers, but our order is the order in which we joined. I'm number VIII. And in my briefing, Superior mentioned that keyblade users are called Soul Reapers here. Though, your keyblade doesn't look much like one," Axel explained.
"Keyblade? Do you mean my Zanpakuto?"
"Axel," Urahara interrupted, "how much Munny do you have?"
"Depends, how much does this gigai cost?"
"Hm, I would say, about 1800 Munny," Urahara smiled. He was obviously overpricing the gigai. Axel mentally counted his Munny.
"I think I might have enough," he admitted. Urahara looked surprised.
"Would that much Munny fit in that small pouch?" he asked.
"Well, superior forced Xigbar to make them larger on the inside, so yes," Axel said as he stuck his arm into his Munny pouch.
"Did someone call me?" Xigbar asked, appearing from a purple space behind Renji and physically molesting the redhead. Renji dropped the chopsticks he was holding and froze for a moment.
"Xigbar…" Axel warned.
"Yeah, I know," Xigbar replied. "I just wanted to know what it would be like to feel up a redhead without my ass spontaneously combusting." He released Renji and stretched. Renji scrambled up, and moved to the corner of the room farthest from Xigbar.
"There are children present," Axel told Xigbar.
"So there are. Your point?" Xigbar froze as he felt a spatial disturbance. He slowly turned around to find Tessai towering over him, with Jinta and Ururu on either side. "You're… bigger than Lexaeus."
Tessai cracked his knuckles, as Jinta hefted a large metal bat. Xigbar tore through the room—and the screen door—pausing only to pose in a ridiculous fashion; one leg in the air, right hand pointing up for no reason, left hand holding on the wall for balance.
"Welp, meet you at the arrival point in two hours," he yelled at Axel before disappearing into space.
"So, how much do I owe you for that?" Axel sighed.
Urahara waved his fan. "I'll just make Renji fix it." Axel and Renji winced. Axel really did feel bad for his fellow redhead. Axel stood up.
"Since, I've got a gigai now, I guess I should head out," he said, dropping a small Munny pouch in front of Urahara. Yoruichi glanced between her confiscated Munny jewel and the pouch. She grabbed the pouch, digging out several more jewels, and a very large Munny jewel.
"Yoruichi," Urahara said.
"Yes?"
"I think you've spend too much time as a cat," Urahara slowly reached out for the Munny pouch. Yoruichi allowed him to take it, but when he reached for the large jewel, she hugged it closer and wouldn't let him touch it. Urahara sighed. Axel stopped by the broken door.
"Do you really want to go into public, dressed like that?" Jinta suddenly asked. Axel, surprised, looked down at what his gigai was wearing—boxers. Just boxers.
"Oh. Some more clothes would be nice," he admitted. He hadn't realized his cloak wasn't on—although the cooler temperature should've been a let-on.
"Hey, Renji," an orange haired boy said to Axel as he walked through. "Urahara—oh hey Renji. Wait, what?"
"Hey, Ichigo," Urahara said.
Ichigo turned to look at Axel. "Have you been experimenting on Renji again?"
"Actually, yes, but that's not how he happened," Urahara explained.
"Don't worry," Axel said to Renji as the other redhead moved to stand next to him. "Our scientist experiments on me too, says I sleep too much."
"Nice to know that being experimented on is no longer strange," Renji sighed. Ichigo stared at the two redheads before remembering he came over for a reason. He, Urahara and Yoruichi began talking in hushed tones.
"So," Renji said to Axel, "you want to borrow some of my clothes, and we could go get that drink now?"
"And then, he said my breath smelled like Chernobyl!" Axel slammed his hand on the counter, roaring with laughter. One hour, several articles of hippie clothing, three shots, and five beers later, Axel was drunk. Renji watched with amusement as fiery redhead had quickly became anyone and everyone's best friend.
"You… don't hold your alcohol very well," Renji observed.
"'S my first time drinking alcohol," Axel replied.
"Ah, that explains it." Renji said, taking a sip of his beer. Axel glanced at Renji. "What?"
Axel grabbed Renji's hand. "It might jus' be the alcohol, but you look really sexy."
Renji stared at Axel. "What are you saying? You're definitely drunk." He pulled his hand away, refusing to look the other redhead in the eyes.
"Maybe, but I'm definitely into you, too," Axel smiled. "Didn't you hear my story?"
"Where you were dared to kiss every member of the Organization?" Renji asked, trying to pull away from the point where he knew this conversation was headed.
"Nah, the part where I said I was gay," Axel said, bringing his face closer to Renji's.
Renji turned his head away from Axel. "I can't."
"Why not?"
"I… it just wouldn't be proper conduct for a lieutenant."
"Oh? Come on, after hearing a few of your stories, how can you say it's inappropriate?" Axel asked, his striking green eyes looking up at Renji's. "You're off-duty, anyway."
Renji sighed, looking at his fellow redhead. "Fine, you win."
"Nah, I just got you to admit to do what you want," Axel smiled. "Feels nice, huh?"
Renji's lips lightly pressed against Axel's for a moment. "Yeah, I guess it does."
"Hey!" the bartender yelled. "You two going to be doing that, go get a hotel room."
The two redheads smiled mischievously, and walked out of the bar, hand-in-hand.
Now, I'll leave the true ending to your perverted little mind. If you see any errors, please tell me (I didn't proof read, sorry!).
If you liked it, gimme a review? ;)