It hurts, it hurts so much. What does? The emptiness, the sadness in my heart. Why? Because stupidly I fell for the one person I shouldn't, because I let him treat me like shit, and because I have no right to get angry at him. This is all my fault, I can't believe I have been so naïve. And now here I am trying to keep this smile on my face before I collapse, because I know I will, sooner rather than later. I feel so bad, and I can't tell anyone, not because they will judge me. Its because I'm ashamed of my own weakness. Because I fell and I knew I was wrong, I knew it was a mistake. Because he doesn't love me. Because I lost my virginity to him knowing he didn't love me, and because I didn't even realize it was happening until it did. God I have been so so stupid. I just want to disappear, forget. I'm not sure if I regret it though, because I love him. I just wish he loved me too. Then everything would be all right. But he doesn't lie to me, I can't hate him for that, sometimes I wish he did lie just a little bit, pretend that he cared. But he doesn't even do that, that's why all of this is my fault. Fuck what am I going to do now! I fucked up last night. At the moment I didn't care, god I hate that I love him, I hate that he doesn't love me. I feel like my heart is tearing apart. On one side I feel like its soaring, elated looking for a way to fly, and the other side hurts, hurts so badly I can't even breathe, because I know the feelings aren't mutual. I remember last night, the feeling of his lips on mine, his hands on my skin, his smell, I still smell him on me, and I can't help but love him. What was I to him, just another lay? The stupid naïve girl? The good girl? Friend with benefits?. It hurts so bad. I have always been so rational, I knew when to say no, when to stop. With him everything is impulsive, and then I regret things, because I don't feel safe with him. My instinct is strong enough to tell me he is not good for me, he will and is hurting me. And I just keep digging deeper and deeper into the hole.
He is like an addiction, my addiction. Every logical part of me tells me to stay away, to cut all cords, I should of done this long ago, If I was smart I would never had become involved with him to begin with. But here I am and even though I feel like I'm in this weird limbo, my heart is torn and my conscience killing me, I want to go back. I miss his smell, I miss his lips along mine, I miss looking into his eyes, I want that feeling. And then my heart falls all over again.