He leaned back on the hood and tilted his head back. Usually he would be more careful with his car, but with graduation so close, and a vehicular gift likely, he couldn't really care too much what happened to this one. The stars were out tonight, some obscured by various large blue clouds. It made an odd sort of sense. His life was hardly a clear picture, why would the sky?
Sighing, he placed his hands behind his head and studied some of the various celestial bodies. Years ago, when he was still into astronomy, he probably could have named most of the constellations. These days, with thoughts dominated by girls, college plans, and more girls, attempting to identify the likes of Ursa Major was a most difficult task indeed. Anything that was simple once no longer seemed important. Only the complex matters demanded his attention.
Like a certain cheerleader perhaps?
Toby sat up and briefly ran his hand through his hair. He did have to admit that one Holly J. Sinclair (always had to remember the J with her) was much easier to deal with when she was merely the stuck-up, arrogant witch calling him "toad" every time she passed him by. Then, all he had to do was roll his eyes and count down the days he'd be away from her, like he did with the likes Jay when the latter was still had some interest in pursuing an education.
Now, things were proving to be just plain complicated. Simply put, she liked him. Holly admitted as much out in public. Granted it had been prefaced by her saying she was in fact lowering her standards in order to date him, but she did say it. And as quite annoying and inconvenient to his plans as it was, Toby too had soon realized that he fancied her.
Funny thing was that it wasn't merely physical. Oh, of course she was attractive, and not having a regular girlfriend since Kendra years ago had the tendency to make one a bit desperate in the biological sense if nothing else. That combined with the sheer potential boost to his ego from dating a would-be queen bee certainly made a relationship with her quite tempting.
Yet there was something else to it. As the two talked more and a more, he couldn't help but notice that Holly was a bit deeper than he had thought. Those bits of quiet envy and desperation when she talked about her sister had not gone unnoticed. Not to mention… the looks. Those fleeting, yet wistful glances she shot when she knew no one else but he was looking. Not always at him, sometimes simply towards the hallways, almost looking beyond them at something else.
What that was, he was uncertain. Holly had ambitions beyond Degrassi. He guessed they were related to spirit squad, but he couldn't be sure. She had a tendency to hide things from almost everyone, and the brief glances he actually got still didn't necessarily illuminate what she really wanted. Indeed, the only thing Toby did know she wanted was him.
At that he smiled. He hated to be cocky about it, but the idea that for once, the roles were reversed and he was the object of want/lust by someone else? He couldn't help it; he had to revel in it just a bit. If only the likes of Manny, Emma, and others knew how lucky they were in that regard he suspected they probably wouldn't complain about their dating situations as much.
He was still grinning when he heard the bus pull up on the street. He got of the hood and looked back. Emerging out of the bus, the figure gave Toby a nod and started walking forward. His hair was shorter, and his frame seemed a bit stiffer, but there was no mistaking who it was. Toby knew that almost better than anyone.
Sean outstretched his hand. "Toby. It's been a while."
"That it has." Toby said, shaking his hand. "How goes the military life?"
The slightly older man shrugged. "You get up too early, eat bad food, and sometimes deal with some people you don't really like."
There was a brief pause. "So not all that different from Degrassi then, huh?" Toby responded.
Sean smirked. "I guess not." He looked at his watch and back at Toby. "What time's this thing start?"
"Soon enough. Probably is already under way. You won't find too many complaining about a party with booze starting too early."
"I never did. Not that I'm too into the whole scene these days."
Toby nodded his head in agreement. "Yeah, me neither. I think the last one I went to was Liberty's birthday."
"Right."
The silence became obvious then. Toby said nothing, awkwardly trying to not to be the first to bring up what happened that night, just as he suspected Sean was doing. After various seconds of neither saying anything, the latter finally acted.
"I'm sorry I couldn't make the anniversary. I tried explaining the whole thing to the sergeant, but… they just wouldn't let me go."
"Don't worry about it," Toby said, giving Sean a sympathetic smile. "It was nice and quiet, and I think JT would have appreciated it."
Sean slowly shook his head. "It just seems crazy. The whole time I knew you guys, I never thought something like that would happen. No matter how bad things got, for me, for you, nobody was going to die. That's not supposed to be how things go."
Toby had said that to himself more times that he could remember. It always seemed the more he saw, the more that ceased being true for anything. Whatever pattern was supposed to be set, a couple of years at Degrassi had already destroyed it many times over. Whatever was not supposed to occur did so at an alarming frequency. He leaned his back up against and car and spoke.
"Yeah, I hear you. You know even when Rick had that gun pointed at us, and said he was going to shoot, there was a part of me that just kept saying that he's not going to do it. There was no way that my… friend was going to actually shoot me. But he tried, and after that I think I stopped believing that things would never go to their worst."
Sean took a moment to take the comment in, and then rested against the car next to Toby. He didn't come across as interested in the party as before. A less painful silence followed before one of them again broke it.
"Thanks, by the way for what you did." Toby said, not looking at him.
"What? What are you talking about?"
He looked down at the ground. "For stopping Rick that day and saving my life. I don't think I ever actually thanked you for that. So thanks again."
"Sure." Sean said, giving a restrained nod. "Wished I could have stopped him some other way." He paused. "Really wished."
Isaacs shrugged. "I have replayed that scene in my head a lot of times. Maybe there was no other way. Could be that he never thought he was going to finish that day alive regardless. You perhaps, just ended it early."
Cameron looked at him closely. "You really think that?"
Toby swallowed and nodded. "Sometimes. Part of me has to, at least."
"I guess so." Sean looked at the familiar school in front of the two. "This place has just always been insane." He glanced at Toby, amused. "Unless things have changed while I've been gone."
The younger man scoffed. "Of course not. Wouldn't be a semester at Degrassi without something outrageous happening. Or someone."
"Someone?" he inquired, raising an eyebrow. "Who's that?"
Toby briefly thought about not telling him the whole matter, but then realized a particular fact. It would be easier to discuss it with him, than with Emma, Manny, or even Liberty, god forbid. "It's Holly Sinclair."
Sean eyebrows went up. "She's not related to…"
"Younger sister actually. Better face, but with almost the exact same attitude."
"Ouch. So she's a problem?"
"To be perfect honest based on the times she's been willing to talk to me when her friends aren't around, she's a narcissistic, bitchy, self-involved, small-minded, bossy, inconsiderate, petty, vindictive cheerleader who always seems to care about her social status than anything else." Toby took a breath.
"She also likes me. And I like her."
Sean whistled. "That is a problem. And you like her why, precisely?"
He bit his lip a tad, before finally answering. "There are times, when all the little barriers she puts up are down and when's she's just being herself, without the need to be the most important person in the room, that well… in those moments, I see a girl who I think I could enjoy so much time with. She's just so determined to be just like Heather, that it's almost as if she's forgotten who she is."
"And who she really is, that's who you like?"
"Yeah. But with everything I'd have to deal with, and just her attitude, I don't know if it's worth it. Why try and be with someone, if they themselves don't even like that someone?" Toby sighed again and pinched the bridge of his nose. "It's just a mess."
"Are you sure?"
"How do you mean?" Toby asked.
"Do you know for certain that that she doesn't like herself that much? Could be more to it than that."
"I suppose, but even if that's the case, really what are the odds that she's gonna change?"
"I couldn't tell you, but certainly people around here changed once they had the chance. Maybe that's all she needs."
Toby blinked a few times, pondering what Sean had said. He had believed that Holly had revealed parts of herself because she had liked him, and that was the best way to attract him. The idea that Holly simply wanted to be different, and thus showed another aspect of herself because that might be the only way she could was something he never thought about. Perhaps, now he would.
"Huh." Toby said. He looked as Sean. "Were girls this tricky when we were kids, or did we not notice then because we were distracted by puberty?"
Sean was silent for a moment. "Mixture of both, probably."
The two shared a quiet laugh.
"I'd say you've dealt with your own share of confusing girls over the years." he said. He knew that included Ellie, but Toby didn't have to name who he really meant.
"Comes with the territory." Sean said, crossing his arms. "Don't regret any of it though."
Toby put his hands and his pockets and briefly bit his tongue. "She never did either."
He did a slight shrug. "Well, there was probably at least couple of moments where she-"
"No." interrupted Toby, turning to look at him. "Oh, she's put up a front a couple of times, done the whole spiel about how she can't understand boys and she's done dating until college. But I know her Sean. She's good at a lot of things, hiding a lot of her emotions is not really one of them."
The older boy remained still, not looking at the other. "Just so much history, you know?"
"Yeah. I remember when you guys first broke up; I spent so much time with her." He looked down at the ground sheepishly. "At the time I was kind of hoping she'd uh… start… going out with me."
After the amused, but supportive smile from Sean, he continued. "Anyway, as much as she kept complaining about you the entire time, I could tell she was upset. She hurt a lot." Toby said, remembering the times he quietly left her house in the summer when he heard her trying to stifle her tearful sobs.
Sean rubbed his face briefly and sighed. "I've screwed up some things."
"And so has she. I've seen a few up close in fact." Toby looked him in the eye. "Look, I'm not going to say that you guys are perfect for one another, or that you two are always going to find each other no matter what happens. I don't know what's meant to happen or who's meant for whom. A few years at Degrassi tends to teach you that. All I know is that she has never been happier then when she was with you."
Sean didn't look away. "That might not be enough."
"Maybe not. But if there's a chance to be that lucky, to be with someone who makes you happy. Well, then I think you guys deserve it."
Toby felt a brief hand on his shoulder and saw the other man give him a nod. "We all do."
Before he could respond, a ring emitted from his cell phone. He opened it up and looked at the text message. After eyeing a bit, Toby closed it up and reached for his car keys. "Party just started. We should probably get going."
Both got in the car quickly and Toby started to pull out of the parking lot. It was near its edge next to the street that he took one last look at the school. "Do you ever miss the place?"
"Yeah. I don't why sometimes, but I do."
Toby allowed himself to have a small smile. "It has that effect I guess.
At that, the car pulled out of the lot and onto the street.