Title: A New Reality
Author: AccordingToMel
Summary: He was empty – physically, mentally and emotionally – as the weight of the situation finally crashed down upon his shoulders, and it was all he could do to stay upright.
Rating: T (Just because I think the subject matter is too mature for K)
Spoilers: The entire series, though specifically episode 37
Word Count: 2,309
Disclaimer: Not mine. Too poor to be able to afford them, unfortunately.
Author's Note: So this is my first published fanfic, though not the first I've ever written. After watching the final episode of Death Note my heart just broke for Matsuda. For everyone really, but specifically for him. Somehow I think that he would be hit the hardest by everything that happened. Anyway, this story was my way of helping me deal with my own sadness over the ending of the best series I have ever watched.
Not my best work, but generally I'm pleased with the outcome. Please don't hesitate to provide me with constructive feedback, because I always want to grow as a writer.
Finally, thanks for reading!
Chapter 1: Matsuda
He couldn't think. He couldn't concentrate. He couldn't breathe. The only thing he knew was that Mikami was bleeding to death from a self inflicted wound and that Light was escaping. And that Near was talking. But he wasn't really listening anymore.
"…If we leave him alone, his movements will stop," Near finished with a sense of confidence. Matsuda wanted to punch him. But he wasn't in the mood to stand up and turn around to face the man. Fortunately he didn't have to do anything, as his colleague stepped in instead.
"Near, I won't listen to your instruction," Aizawa informed the young man, and Matsuda was thankful that he had the courage to say what they all were thinking.
Matsuda heard a grunt come from Near, followed by momentary silence. He still couldn't see Near's face, but he imagined it held an expression of both shock and resignation.
"I understand…" he finally replied. "I'll leave him to you," was his only response. But Matsuda sincerely doubted that Near understood. Near couldn't possibly understand how he felt…what he was going through. Near couldn't know of the betrayal and the rage that was coursing through his body. He couldn't possibly comprehend everything that Matsuda – that everyone – had experienced. And he certainly didn't understand Light…didn't know him.
And you do? the voice in his head demanded. What do you know, you stupid, naïve fool? You trusted him…you trusted Kira! What does that say about you?
Matsuda cringed inwardly and heaved a sigh as he watched the rest of the police force exit the warehouse. After a moment, he too was standing. And in a flash, Matsuda was out the door of the warehouse, frantically searching for the direction Light had gone. Luckily for him – and unluckily for Light – a trail of blood outlined the path the runaway had taken. Ignoring cries from Aizawa and Mogi, Matsuda broke away from the group and tore off in the direction that he assumed would lead him to Light.
Matsuda shook his head bitterly, fighting against the anger that had been continually building. Light had been his friend. Or so he'd thought. Matsuda was young, and he knew he was a bit naïve. He was bold and impulsive and often acted without first considering the consequences of his actions. But he meant well and he had a good heart, which inspired his feverish dedication to justice and to finding the murderer that was Kira. Above all else, though, Matsuda was unquestionably trusting and hopelessly loyal. To learn that one of his friends hadn't cared about him in the least hurt deeply. But to learn that the last six years of his life had been lived in the vortex of one humongous lie was enough to break the toughest of men…a category to which Matsuda did not belong and probably never would.
Matsuda rounded a corner and was met with a wire mesh fence that overlooked the train yard. There were only two options…and the thin trail of blood indicated that Light had turned right. Matsuda thought he could see Light off in the distance, and this knowledge filled him with a renewed feeling of anger and disgust. How many times had Light been accused of being Kira? And how many times had Matsuda defended Light? There was only one painful thought that kept racing through his mind: Light is Kira. Light is Kira. Light is Kira. It was almost too much for him to bear. He wasn't entirely sure what he planned to do when he finally caught up to Light, but he knew he had to do something…
A few moments later he heard the distinct sound of hurried footsteps, followed by someone calling his name.
Matsuda slowed his pace ever so slightly, but ignored the person attempting to garner his attention.
"Matsuda!" the voice cried out again, and this time a hand on his arm indicated that his assailant was not about to be ignored. Matsuda whipped around to glare at Aizawa, tearing his arm out of the older man's firm grip. Ide stood idly behind him, but Matsuda wasn't concerned with the other man at the moment.
"What do you want? I've got some important business to take care of!" he directed at Aizawa.
"Like what?" came the instantaneous reply.
Matsuda glanced in the direction that Light had headed, but kept quiet.
"Killing Light isn't going to make you feel better," Aizawa stated calmly.
Matsuda scowled, roughly running his right hand through his hair and shook his head. He didn't have time to deal with Aizawa right now.
"Maybe not. But at least this whole Kira nightmare will finally be over," he said at last, turning abruptly on his heel and heading in the direction that Light had gone.
After only a few feet Matsuda heard footsteps behind him and knew that Aizawa was close on his heel.
"Whatever happens to Light now is out of our hands," Aizawa murmured softly, sadness tingeing his voice. "Do you really want his death on your head?"
Matsuda stopped abruptly, but kept his face turned away from the older man.
"What about all the deaths on his head? One hardly compares to the tens of thousands of people Light was responsible for killing," Matsuda spat angrily.
"You're right," Aizawa admitted, stepping closer to the younger man. "But you and I both know what can happen when we take justice into our own hands."
Silence hung in the air for at least a minute as both men contemplated the profound truth of the statement. The quiet was finally broken when Matsuda sighed audibly, feeling some of his anger deflate. It was true, and he hated that Aizawa was right. He couldn't understand how the older man could keep such a calm demeanour after everything that had just happened.
"Fine," Matsuda muttered dismissively, turning to glace briefly at Aizawa. "But I've got some questions for Light and I'm sure as hell not going to let him get away before I have my answers."
It only took the two men a few minutes to find the building that Light had entered. It was another abandoned warehouse, not unlike the one Near had summoned the group to initially. The interior looked dark, but the door hung open, swaying gently in the wind. It was without a doubt where Light had ended up.
Matsuda knew that Light was in no physical condition to overpower him, but even the weakest and most pitiful people were capable of amazing feats when pushed to desperation. And at this very moment in time, Light was possibly the most desperate man Matsuda had ever met. Before entering the warehouse he pulled out his gun and held it close to his body. As Matsuda stepped cautiously into the darkened building, he noticed a figure lying on the stairs. He let out a shallow breath, and took a few hesitant steps forward. Halting unexpectedly, he felt Aizawa bump into him, but Matsuda barely registered this fact as his eyes remained fixed on the person on the stairs.
"Light…?" Matsuda called out, voice soft but confident. Light remained eerily still.
Matsuda took another cautious step toward the body on the stairs. "Answer me, Yagami Light!"
Nothing. Not a word or a flinch or anything that would even suggest that Light had heard him.
Matsuda was about to open his mouth again when he noticed the pool of blood that seemed to literally be dripping off and around the staircase that held the young brunette. There was more than he would have expected, and suddenly a new reality dawned on him. Matsuda had planned on confronting Light – a weak, hurt Light. But he hadn't considered the fact that Light might not last long enough to face confrontation…or a prison cell. It was enough to make his blood run cold.
Taking a deep breath, Matsuda took several steps forward so that he was only a few feet from the body. "Light?" he asked softly, trepidation tingeing his once confident voice. It was only then that he was able to look – to actually look at Light – and the sight that met his eyes filled him with a sense of terror and shock.
Light looked dead. His eyes were closed and his face pale. Blood still slowly dripped from his wounds – the wounds Matsuda had caused. And he wasn't moving. But he couldn't be satisfied until he knew for sure that Light…Kira…was dead.
Agony and sorrow wracked his body, filling him with a sense of dread and despair. This kid…this man…had been a friend and a colleague. A confidant and an ally. A murderer…and an enemy. How was it possible that they had spent six years – SIX YEARS – working alongside the very man they were trying to bring to justice? It was enough to crush his soul.
Tentatively, Matsuda approached Light. He could feel the blood soak into the soles of his shoes…hear the soft squish beneath his feet…but he didn't care. He reached out a shaky hand that hovered over Light's bloody left wrist, the one he had shot. But he couldn't seem to force his muscles to move. Matsuda suddenly found that it was difficult for him to see, until a hot streak of liquid ran down his left cheek. He blinked, and another one fell.
He was stupid. He was so incredibly and utterly stupid.
Another tear slipped silently down his cheek as he looked down at the body in front of him. Matsuda placed his gun back in its holster and brought his right hand up to Light's neck. Pressing his fingers to the warm skin under Light's chin, Matsuda waited to feel the beat of a heart that he already knew would never beat again. With his free hand he wiped at the tears that continued to spill down his face as the seconds slowly ticked by.
1…2…3…
Nothing.
4…5…6…
Too much time had passed already.
7…8…9…
It should have beat by now. Matsuda knew this. But he couldn't bring himself to remove his hand.
10…11…12…
This was getting ridiculous.
"Damn it Light," Matsuda cried, suddenly furious again. "This isn't funny!"
He abruptly reached down and shook the youth on the stairs, screaming at him to get up and stop pretending. But Light remained deathly still, and Matsuda felt his resolve crumble. This was not how things were supposed to end. This was not the Light he knew. This wasn't right at all…
Light. Light Yagami. The son of Chief Soichiro Yagami. A man with a brilliant mind and a bright future. His friend…
No! Matsuda shook his head. Not his friend. His enemy. Light was his enemy, never his friend. And now…now he was dead.
Dead.
In an instant, a sudden wave of nausea washed over Matsuda, and he jumped away from Light as the contents of his stomach erupted from his body. Wave after wave of nausea hit him until nothing was left but dry heaves. He was empty – physically, mentally and emotionally – as the weight of the situation finally crashed down upon his shoulders, and it was all he could do to stay upright. Sinking slowly to his knees, a gut-wrenching sob escaped his throat. Followed by another…and another.
Matsuda buried his face in his hands, pressing his body to the cold floor as the sobs continued to wrack his body. He cried for the deaths of Ukita and L. He cried for the death of Chief Soichiro Yagami. He cried for all the innocent people who had been struck down by Kira. He cried for the six years of life that had been wasted for so many people. He cried for the death of Light and the loss of his own innocence. He cried for the injustice of it all. But mostly he cried for the anger, the betrayal and the sorrow he felt. Because he'd loved Light like a brother. And even in spite of everything that he now knew, Matsuda still loved him…
A few moments later, he felt a hand come to gently rest on his shoulder. For a moment Matsuda considered the fact that he probably looked ridiculous sobbing on the floor next to a pile of his own vomit. It was like a scene from a really bad horror movie, except that the horror was real and his emotions were genuine. But when he finally looked up to meet Aizawa's eyes, and saw the sorrow and the compassion that they held, he knew that none of that mattered.
It took him a few moments to finally compose himself and Aizawa waited patiently beside his friend. Matsuda sniffed once more and rubbed his hands on his pants in an attempt to rid them of the blood and tears they held.
"Come on. We have to get going," Aizawa finally muttered, standing up and turning towards the body lying on the stairs.
"What are you doing?" Matsuda questioned, standing on shaky legs and wiping at his face one final time.
"We can't just leave him here," Aizawa answered, motioning to Light. Matsuda nodded in agreement but remained silent.
The older man took a few steps up the stairs and knelt down beside the body of the once lively man they had all grown to care for. Aizawa hesitated for a brief moment before finally setting his jaw and fixing his expression. Then in one swift motion the older man scooped up Light's body and held him close.
"Let's go," he said, making his way towards the door.
Matsuda followed dutifully, closing the warehouse door behind them. And as they stepped back into the light of day, Matsuda knew that the nightmare was finally over. But it would be a long time before he would ever forget the man who was Light Yagami.