Dear Kurt,
I actually consider this letter the most cowardly thing I've ever done. I mean, what can I say in a letter that I can't say to your face right? Well it turns out quite a few things. Like it was actually me who spilled raspberry slushy on your bed in you dorm, not Wes. He took the blame for me because he didn't want you to be upset with me for ruining your Egyptian cotton duvet cover (I am very sorry by the way, please forgive me). I can see why he did that now. He knew. He could see it. He could see our perfect relationship developing in front of his eyes. He could see in to my mind and heart. He could read thoughts I wasn't even aware of myself. He gets me, you see. Just like you do. That's why you knew aswell. You knew about us, about our chemistry. It's me and you isn't it? We just are. Ever since we first met we've been drawn to each other. In the beginning it was driven by my urge to protect you, because of our similar experiences I felt an immediate affiliation and loyalty to you. I still do, of course. But my feelings have changed, more than I realised. Remember Valentine's Day? I'm sure you do. I certainly do. I'm pretty sure I'll regret that day forever. And not for the reasons you might think. It really doesn't bother me that I embarrassed myself in front of some guys in Gap. As much as I complained at the time, I see now how foolish I was. The reason I regret that day is because I know I hurt you. And although it was never my intention, it still tugs at my heart every time I think about it. I remember the look on your face when I rejected you. You tried to cover it with a fake smile and a joke, but you forget how well I know you. I'm so sorry Kurt. I really am. And I know I should be telling you this in person, but I can't. I know what would happen if I try to, I'll either chicken out or start talking rubbish. I'm extremely inarticulate in times of stress.
You'd think I would have caught on months ago. Christmas for example. Baby Its Cold Outside. Like, what was that weird tingly feeling I had? And why did I miss you so much over the winter break? Every day I just wanted to see you, chat to you, make you smile. I just want to see you happy. I want to make you forget about you pain. Perhaps selfishly, I want to be the reason you're happy. I want to be the one to cheer you up and make you laugh. But that's normal, to want your best friend to be happy? Maybe. But maybe not so intensely. Maybe not so passionately. Isn't that a bit deeper than friends? As you can probably tell, I've been thinking a lot about my feelings lately. Perhaps over analysing them. It's kind of a thing I do. And to be honest, it's a problem. I know I've defiantly been over analysing our relationship. Whatever it was I felt, I managed to talk myself out of. I convinced myself I wasn't attracted to you. I supressed those feelings, and replaced them with thoughts of loyalty and friendship. When that didn't work, I convinced myself it was merely a delusion. That the only reason I thought I found you attractive is because I know you're gay. But I also know of several other gay Warblers, none of whom I am attracted to. As you can see, my mind has been a bit of a mess since we met. A good mess though, a very good mess.
Which leads me on to another regretful incident and another apology. Rachels party? Yeh, my very brief, very stupid straight faze. Or, one of my many stupid attempts at supressing my feelings for you. Getting drunk is supposed to make you more honest. Less inhibited. Not me apparently. It just made me selfish and hurtful. And I'm sorry. Again. The reason why I got angry with you in the coffee shop was because I was angry with myself. Angry for kissing Rachel, angry for upsetting you, angry because I agreed to go on a date with her when I knew I was gay. There's never been a doubt in my mind. And I took that anger out on you, because you were the cause of it.
The real reason I was angry was because I wasn't man enough to tell you how I feel. So I'm telling you now. In this letter. I love you, Kurt. And I don't just love you. I'm in love with you. I want to be with you, protect you and make you happy. I also think you're very hot. I want to be with you properly, like I always should have been. I know it may be too late. And I know how much I've hurt you. But I love you. And I hope that counts for something.
Your Best Friend,
Blaine x