Based on the popular children's storybook "Go the Fuck to Sleep" written by Adam Mansbach, featuring the Avengers as kids.
Disclaimer: You all should know I don't own Marvel or these characters or the book, so don't be bitching about it and just enjoy!
"The cats nestle close to their kittens.
The lambs have laid down with the sheep."
Nick Fury looked in on all of the Avengers as they lied cozy in their beds; Thor, Tony, Steve, Bruce, Natasha, and Clint all had just lied down for the night. As Fury walked from room to room, he prayed that tonight they would all go the fuck to sleep.
"The windows are dark in the town, child.
The whales huddle down in the deep."
Suddenly, from out of the corner of his eye, Nick Fury saw Bruce Banner walk out of his room. He whined for Nick Fury to read him a bedtime story. Bruce had already gotten ten bedtime stories earlier but he wanted more and more. Fury sighed and took Bruce to his own room, tucking him into his huge king sized bed that was made for him because he was the leader. He whispered "I'll read you one more damn book if you swear you'll go the fuck to sleep".
"The eagles who soar through the sky are at rest.
And the creatures who crawl, run, and creep"
As Bruce fell asleep in Nick Fury's bed, he walked out of his room to find Natasha standing in the hallway. She was whining and yawning and Nick told her to shut up and not wake up Bruce. She glared up at him and told Nick she was thirsty. Nick said "I know you're not thirsty, that's bullshit, stop lying." And he took Natasha to his room as well, tucking her in with Bruce and telling her to lie the fuck down and sleep.
"The wind whispers soft through the grass, hon.
The field mice, they make not a peep."
Nick sat down on the couch and rested for only a second before he heard a faint cry. "HULK SMASH!" the shout rang out, and he immediately knew what was going on. He ran to his room to find Natasha hiding in the bathroom while the Hulk ran around the room. "It's been 38 minutes already, what the fuck?" Nick shouted at the Hulk. The Hulk looked at Nick and grinned, charging at him, and Nick Fury sighed. He just wanted them to go to sleep.
"All the kids in the daycare are in dreamland.
The froggie has made his last leap."
Fury limped out of his room after finally getting the Hulk to calm down and get in bed, leaving him and Natasha to go back to sleep. He hobbled over to the couch and didn't even make it to sit down when, from out of nowhere, he heard a yawn. Steve was standing in the hall, covering his mouth from a huge yawn. Nick's eye twitched and he tried to keep from shouting… until Steve asked to go to the bathroom. "Hell no you can't go to the bathroom!" Steve looked up at Fury with watery eyes, and Nick sighed. "You know where you can go?" he told Steve and put him in his bed with Bruce and Natasha so he could go the fuck to sleep.
"The owls fly forth from the treetops.
Through the air they soar and they sweep."
After only five minutes of finally getting some peace and quiet, another disturbance made Nick Fury furious. Clint started walking down the hall, babbling like a tired idiot as he stumbled into the living room. Nick didn't even have to look to know it was him, loud and obnoxious, and he was beginning to get pissed. "A hot crimson rage fills my heart, love…" He told Clint, getting his attention. He turned to see Clint about ready to shoot an arrow at Nick. "For real, shut the fuck up!" Nick told Clint, and then took him to bed to sleep.
"The cubs and the lions are snoring,
Wrapped in a big snuggly heap."
Nick Fury limped out of his room once again, fuming beyond all reason as he left Bruce, Natasha, Steve, and Clint in his bed. He pulled out the arrow protruding from his knee and threw it out the window, sitting back down on the couch. He sighed and leaned back, letting his head hang back on the cushions. Suddenly, he felt a poke on his stomach and all the anger came rushing back. He looked down at the seat next to him and found Tony poking his stomach. He glared at him, and Tony glared right back, grinning evilly. "How come you can go all this other great shit, but you can't lie the fuck down and sleep?" Tony stuck his tongue out at Fury, and that earned him a time out.
"The seeds slumber beneath the earth now
And the crops that the farmers will reap."
After Tony's time out was over, he dragged him to his room to throw him in bed with the other four. Thor kept asking Nick the most ridiculous questions about anything his Asgaridan mind could come up with. They ranged from rocket science questions to just plain blabbing about the kitchen as they walked through. Nick Fury was in a fury again because Thor wouldn't shut up. Finally, after Thor asked a question about why Midigarian people need sleep, Nick grabbed some duct tape from the garage and shut Thor up by wrapping his mouth in it. "No more questions, this interview's over!" Nick shouted at him. Thor didn't know how duct tape worked, so he couldn't get it off and surrendered to his forced silence. Nick then dragged Thor to his room and threw him in bed with the others. "I've got two words for you, kid: Fucking sleep!"
"The tiger reclines in the simmering jungle.
The sparrow has silenced her cheep."
Nick walked out of his room once again, leaving the door open just in case of any more disturbances. He walked into the kitchen and stowed his roll of duct tape in the cabinet just in case he'd need it again. A loud sigh came from Nick's mouth before he suddenly heard some whining coming from his room down the hall. In an effort to keep the peace, Nick decided to go back to his room and check on them. When he got there, he found Steve sitting on the end of the bed whining. Nick walked up to Steve and glared down at him, saying "What?" Steve sniffled and asked Nick Fury for his stuffed bear, Beary White, to sleep with. Nick's anger increased. "Fuck your stuffed bear, I'm not getting you shit." Steve whimpered again and Nick, still pissed off, stomped to Steve's room and got his stupid stuffed bear. "Close your eyes. Cut the crap. Sleep." He threw it at Steve and tucked him in.
"The flowers doze low in the meadows
And high on the mountains so steep."
Not but ten minutes later, Nick was chasing Thor and Tony around the house to keep them from fighting with each other. Apparently there was something about Thor slapping Tony in his sleep, which then led to Tony punching Thor, which then led to Thor chasing Tony around the house and threatening to "bring on the thunder". Nick sat in the kitchen and put his head in his hands, pissed beyond all reason. "My life is a failure, I'm a shitty ass parent!" he shouted as Thor and Tony. "Stop fucking with me, please, and sleep!"
"The giant pangolins of Madagascar are snoozing.
As I lie here and openly weep."
The few left sleeping in bed were Natasha, Nick, and Steve. Thor, Tony, and Hulk were all arguing over how the blankets should be shared, and Nick just stood in the hallway and glared at them. He was so tired of all their shit and he just wanted them to go the fuck to sleep. Just then, Nick felt a tug on his pants, and he looked down to find Clint pouting. Clint asked Nick for some milk, and he sighed, his voice cracked. "Sure, fine, whatever, who the fuck cares? You're not gonna sleep…" Nick shuffled to the kitchen, a sleepy Clint following behind him. He warmed up some milk and gave it to Clint.
"This room is all I can remember.
The furniture crappy and cheap."
Nick lied down in Tony's bed, now openly aware that everyone was awake and running around the house. He could hear various things being broken such as dishes and vases, and maybe a picture frame or two, but at this point he didn't even care. Even as he lied there, staring up at the ceiling as arrows whizzed by his head, he didn't even give a fuck. "You win… you escape… you run down the hall!" Nick shouted at them as Hulk careened past the door, screaming "PUNY GOD!" to Thor. Nick had had enough, so he nodded the fuck off and slept.
Suddenly, Nick snored himself awake. He reached up and rubbed his eye, yawning. But he then realized it was quiet…Perfectly quiet. He got up from Tony's bed and walked into the hallway. No screaming or running Avengers in sight. No Avengers in the kitchen…or the living room…or the hallways. He finally made it to his room and was greeted with a happy sight. All of the Avengers, lying in his big king sized bed, all their eyes shut. So Nick kept his fingers crossed as he tiptoed away, praying that they went the fuck to sleep.
Nick Fury and Agent Phil both sat down on the couch to watch Spiderman 3 while the Avengers slept. They felt bad for not calling Spiderman when the world was in danger a weeks ago, but Spiderman was in California shooting his brand new movie, so they got lazy and let the Avengers save the world without him. Nick was just about to start it when the popcorn timer went off on the microwave… "Oh shit, you've got to be kidding me!" Nick Fury shouted when he heard all of the Avengers run out into the kitchen at the smell of food. They were all talking at once, and Nick was furious. "Come on! Go the fuck back to sleep!" He shouted at everyone, but they didn't listen. So Nick Fury grabbed them all one-by-one by the hand and led them all to bed, because he just wanted them to go the fuck to sleep.