She remembered the way he looked before he left. Something happened, clicked and it loaded the barrel for the gun that shot them down. She wasn't good with goodbyes and she never liked them, it wasn't even supposed to be like this because he had brought life to her in a way that no one else ever had. It was over though, it was done and all because she was a girl who still somehow believed in forever.
Maybe he could've been her happily ever after but now he was her never ever. And people thought she should be okay because it was her this time, her call. The pain on his face was completely palpable. It ached within her, so deep and she hadn't even had time to release the tears before it was time to go. A family outing and now she would be stuck beside him and faking smiles.
That actually became a constant, turning the corner of her lips because everybody else was happy and she needed to be too. But when night fell and the house was still, Clare found herself curled into a ball and every memory would play before her eyes.
The way he walked toward her, that goofy smile on his lips. The way he held her hand or wrapped his arm around her shoulders. She could feel the warmth from him, from the way he would lean into her and tickle her even if she was trying to study. She remembered the way he could give her a serious look while she rambled but his eyes stayed amused before he would lean over and stop the words coming from her.
It had been real, she knew it. Clare could feel it. It had been real, right? She didn't want to second-guess or doubt but now he was spending time in-between class, his arm wrapped around Jenna and maybe that broke her down even more than she wanted to admit because God she was trying, trying so hard to be strong and to be okay. He looked happy and she wanted him to be happy but it sucked that it wasn't with her. Her fault, she knew but he'd moved on so fast, so quickly that she wondered if any of it mattered. Was it real to him? Were they real to him?
Maybe that didn't matter, she shouldn't worry. What good would that do? She needed to hold her head high and needed to try to move on. Nights spent crying slowly turned to nights with a book in her warm bed to keep her mind busy but she couldn't let go of him. She gave it a million honest tries but Jake pressed against her mind, he was somewhere in her soul and she couldn't get him out.
She couldn't shake the memories, the feelings. She couldn't get rid of the maybe's or could-of-should-have been moments that she felt had been snatched from her. Stolen away from her fingertips. When would she be allowed happiness, full and complete like everybody else seemed to grasp and keep?
Lost in her thoughts, lost in everything... time passed and when Jenna told her that she and Jake were just friends, Clare felt a spark. Hope or something of the sort. Whatever it was, it made her smile and think of the boy she was still in love with. It made her wonder if maybe they had a chance or was she just being silly? She and Jake talked, they were still friends but they both kept a safe distance.
After all, for two hearts that were meant to be, it was easy to get off track and go tumbling all over again. Or she felt they were meant to be, at least. She wanted it to be true. To be real. She missed the way he would raise his eyebrows after she explained something to him. Or the way he'd take her hand into his and kiss along her knuckles when she was stressed.
She never knew what missing someone meant until she had to sit across from him every night at dinner and there were no longer glances or playing footsie beneath the table. She never knew what it meant to miss someone you got to see every day and feel the pull of your heart and know that it was telling you that this was wrong, this is wrong. And the worst part was she didn't even know if he ever felt like that, if he ever missed her.
"Clare?"
She looked up from her book and Jake stood there, a concerned look on his face. "I've been calling your name for the past few minutes. Are you okay?" Clare glanced down at her book and nodded before closing it and laying it on the coffee table. "Yeah, sorry, what's up?"
"You're crying." He told her softly and moved closer but he stopped, his hands stretched out toward her before he realized the situation. Clare wiped her cheeks, confused at the tears but she paid more attention to Jake than the fact that she had been openly crying. "Oh, I am."
"Clare..." he sounded lost and broken. It made her own chest ache and she stood up. "What's wrong? Jake?"
"You tell me," She closed her eyes at his words and when he stepped closer, she stayed instead of putting that distance between them. When he wrapped his arms around her, she allowed it. Clare allowed for him to pull her against him and eventually wrapped her arms back around him, feeling safe and secure, feeling right for the first time in so long.
"I miss you, Jake. I... I don't, I'm okay but then I think of you and us and I just miss you." She didn't plan the words or the quiet sob that slipped through her lips and she never planned on Jake pulling her in even closer and holding her face gently in his hands and looking at her in the way that always made her weak in the knees. The look that always let her know that this was more and real, that it was everything and that she wasn't alone.
"I miss you, too." Jake paused and she tried to keep her heart calm but he searched her eyes, not that she knew what he was looking for but he leaned down and brushed his lips over hers softly. He was kissing her like he used to and she didn't waste the moment away with her thoughts because it was like waking up. Clare slipped her fingers to the front of his shirt, pulling at the material as she deepened the kiss. Maybe this was a dream, honestly though, she didn't care. She just knew that he was there and everything was finally whole again.
Notes: I listened to Last Kiss by Taylor Swift on repeat while writing this. I hope it's okay and that there aren't any mistakes. Thanks for reading! :)