Great Teacher Ohgami: Episode 0
Another attempt at spoofery by Jemu Nekketsu
AUTHOR'S NOTE: In the tradition of the fanlit style of "Grand Cameo-ism," lots of characters that aren't property of the author are going to be used and mentioned in this work. From the title alone, one would correctly surmise that the first victim in this tragedy would be the Sakura Taisen series. As for the other victims, read further, if you dare.
DISCLAIMER: Like I said, I don't own them, and never will. The locations and events are all fiction; any similarities to real world events are purely coincidental.
* * *
"Good morning, everyone!" Ohgami Ichiro sang out as he entered the faculty room.
"Same to you," Nueno Meisuke replied. "You seem to be in a cheerful mood today."
"He has reason to be extra happy today," Kaho Mizuki said. "As this year's Student-Teacher Liaison, he'll be the one in charge of getting this year's batch of foreign students. Quite an honor, I believe."
"Exchange students?"
"Haven't you heard, Nube? We'll be receiving new victims, er, students from France! Where have you been living, in the mountains?"
"Kaho? I live in the mountains. My wife can't live without any nearby snow, remember?"
"Oops. Sorry. My wrong."
"So, tell me more about these new students we'll be having for this term."
"Six of them," Ohgami replied with a quiet intensity. "Five from France itself, one from French Indochina. All young, innocent, naive, luscious- um, scratch that- women in the making."
Nube didn't need his crystal ball to know that unholy fires were burning in his friend's eyes and mind. "Really, Ohgami, at seven in the morning? Gods you're worse than Hitosuji-san!" He whapped Ohgami on the backside of the head with his prayer book. "Begone, spirit of debauchery!"
"It could have been worse. Hitosuji-san could have been voted as the Student-Teacher Liaison." Kaho sighed.
"I'm not sure that this ecchi navy otaku is any better," Nube snorted.
"Hey! I resent that remark!"
Before Ohgami could say anything more, another person entered the faculty room. "Is Ohgami in here yet?" Katsuragi Misato, guidance counselor 1, asked as she sauntered in, a can in her hand.
Kaho took a look at the can. "Canned oo-long tea?"
"Yeah, well, the doctor told me to cut down on the alcohol if I wanted to avoid breast cancer."
"Really? I thought alcohol prevented cancer!"
"Yeah, it's what I thought too, until Doctor Takani straightened my facts."
"Good old Doctor Fox-Lady!"
Said doctor happened to be passing by the open door on her way to the flag ceremony area and managed to overhear Kaho's remark about her age. Fuming, she stuck her head in and yelled "I AM NOT OLD!!!"
Kaho raised her hands placatingly. "No, Megumi, let me explain-"
"Ano, did somebody say, 'explain'?"
"Oh, hello there, Ines," Ohgami greeted the newcomer. Ines Fressange, physics teacher built like a swimsuit model. Literally, a blonde bombshell with a Ph. D. Another woman sensitive about age jokes. "You're part French, right? Maybe you could help me out with the new students from France? My French really sucks."
"No, no, no. In French style of kissing, you do not suck, you use the tongue- oh, you mean about talking in French, oui? Of course I will help. It will be nice to talk to someone fluent in French again."
"Ohagmi! There you are! Come on, we need to start the flag ceremony now! You come along as well, Ines, if Ohgami needs your assistance that much. You know Principal Ikari doesn't like things running off schedule! As for the rest of you, head out as well, and make sure that Hitosuji doesn't victimize any of your students this early in the morning."
"I thought he only victimizes his female tutoring jobs," Nube mused.
"Who can say what he'll do? At this rate, I'm worried about our librarians, Yomiko and Wendy."
"I'm pretty sure Ms. Readman can take care of herself against our resident pervert teacher. As for Ms. Earheart, we can only hope that she serves him tea or something scalding," Nube intoned with an air of mock gravity.
Laughter followed the teachers and staff as they left the room.
* * *
The School That Exists Just For the Purpose of Bringing a Bunch of Non-Related Series and Universes Together, or The School as it was more commonly known, was a large, sprawling compound on some island sitting pretty in the middle of the ocean. It was large enough , the island I mean, to have a small, bustling metropolis where business and life took place (fondly called The City), the school being in what could be called the suburbs. It was an urban legend of sorts that there was an alien mobile battle fortress/ colony ship hidden beneath the island, which was scoffed at and put in the same category with such things as magical pubescent girls, humanoid robots armed to the teeth with cutting edge weaponry and technology, and kawaii human-animal hybrids. It was simply to ludicrous to believe that such a place existed, too staggering to believe even if it was true. One would easier believe in, say for example, the existence of common mythological creatures like dragons, unicorns, demons, and yes, even virgins, than in such a tall tale.
AND IF YOU BELIEVED THAT LAST SENTENCE OF THE PARAGRAPH UP THERE, YOU REALLY SHOULD READ SOME MORE LIGHT-HEARTED FANFICS.
* * *
"Good morning, class," Ohgami greeted as he put his things on the desk.
"Good morning, Sensei."
"Take your seats."
"To where, Sensei?" someone asked. The other students laughed.
Ohgami turned to glare at the offender. It was Weber, grinning smugly at him, his blond hair falling past the allowed hair length for males. Make that Ohgami's hair length for males. "You Kurz, can take your seat and ram it down your throat. I'll even assist you, if you think you can't do it by yourself." The class laughed again, this time at Kurz. "Class, I'm sure you've heard the rumors, and if you paid attention during the flag ceremony, you probably know what I'm talking about now."
"Cut to the chase scene, Sensei," Sousuke called out, sitting behind Kurz. "What are you talking about?"
"Aha! You did not attend the ceremony! And your excuse this time is...?"
"No excuse sir, but it's the same as always," Sousuke replied, glaring at Kaname and getting glared at by her in return. "She's late, so I'm late."
"And why is that? Do you live in the same house, hmm? Did she steal the blankets and had a really good sleep, while you had a restless one, which led to the same thing?"
The class snickered. Sousuke was still pondering how to answer and still not reveal that he's acting as bodyguard to Kaname, when the classroom door flew and smacked into Ohgami, knocking him out. The door, of course, fell on him, turning into a pancake.
"Iris, I told you to keep a lid on your temper and have some patience." A new voice floated through the door. Rather, through the hole the door was supposed to be covering.
"Iris is sorry."
"Nah, you'll be really sorry once the teacher wakes up."
"Lobelia, how did you know he was the teacher?"
"Duh, he was behind the desk wasn't he? Jeez, Sister, you are slow in the morning."
Sousuke stood up and tried to pull off the door form their teacher. "Kurz, lend me a hand, will you?"
"Sure thing, JASUTO-man!"
Kensuke leaned toward Shinji. "JASUTO-man?" he asked.
"It's probably a joke on the stuff in his backpack. You know, other than the regular guy stuff you find like packs of chips, music tapes and discs, condoms, I think he's got a bunch of JASUTO game CDs in his bag," Shinji replied.
"Eh? How did you know? Did you like open his bag or something when he was in the john?"
"Nothing of the sort. It was just one time he forgot to close his bag and heaved it into the air as was his custom before putting it on his shoulder. His stuff rained down, and I had to help him recover them."
Touji leaned forward to put in his two bits. "JASUTO is the company that made all those dating games where you couldn't see the lead guy's face, am I right?"
"Yeah, that seems to be right. I seem to remember a time when I had one or two JASUTO games in my laptop."
Meanwhile, the excavation team was making little headway. Sousuke and Kurz just managed to move the door a little, so instead of pressing down on his back evenly, the door now was just putting pressure on the small of his back. "Somebody better call Sagara-san to get this door off of Teacher," Sousuke announced.
"Hey, Sousuke!!!" the class chorused.
"Baka yaro! I meant the other Sagara in this school!! Janitor Sanosuke!"
Just then, six female students marched in, led by a tall, white-haired girl. "Hey, is there a Class Rep in the house?"
"Hey, Tessa, I think she means you!" Asuka whispered to the pale girl beside her, who was engaged in a staring match with Rei.
"Oh, what- class representative? Ah, yes, I think they voted me." A giggle escaped from Tessa's lips. Lobelia just slapped her forehead in exasperation.
"Hey, Erica, a cousin of yours?"
"Why is she my cousin?"
"She's a ditz, ain't she?"
"Well, she has the same shade of hair as you, Lobelia."
"I'll get you for that." Turning back to Tessa, Lobelia said, "Damn, but you give us snow-tops a bad name, girl. So you are the Class Rep?"
"For today, at least-"
"Fine! You'll do! Now get around to this business of intorducing us, your new classmates, to your class. This is the Mecha Pilots and Their Friends class, right?"
"Hey, isn't that supposed to be the Sensei's job?" Kurz asked, just to be insolent.
"I see you still haven't gotten teach out from under there. Here," Lobelia said, pulling out a Stiehlhandgranate from her trenchcoat and smacking on the desk, activating it. "Fire in the hole!!!"
Everybody rushed to the corner of the room farthest from the grenade, AKA around Ayanami's seat. The jostling and jockeying naturally pushed Rei at the front of the mob. With a sigh, wondering why it always happens to her, she raised her AT field. The grenade went off, reducing the desk and the door to jonesereens. (Jonesereens are remnant particles much, much smaller than smithereens.)
"Nice going Lobelia. You blew the teacher away," Glycine observed dryly.
"Let's reword your sentence. Let's make it, 'You blew up the teacher.' Sounds less kinky, right?"
"No!!! Ohgami-sensei!!! You killed him, and I haven't even shown him my panties yet!"
"Sakura, you slut! I wanted to be the first to show my panties to him!" Sumire cried out, pulling her naginata out from wherever it is a busty brunette clad in a low-cut dress can hide a six-foot pole with a 12-inch blade at the end.
A skirmish ensues, and the students quickly got out of the way. Rei sighs again.
"Hey, Sensei's still alive!" This was from Fuu, who was kneeling by the teacher's body and tailed as usual by her eternally loyal groupies, Hikaru and Umi. "I know what he needs: WIND SOUL!!!"
Green wind flows from Fuu's hand to cover Ohgami's unconscious form. It disappears, but without bringing Ohgami back to consciousness. Meanwhile, the battle raged on.
"Nice going, Four-Eyes," Kohran gloated.
"Like you could do better than Fuu-chan, nerd-girl?" Umi retorted.
"Step aside and watch a true genius work!" Kohran slipped her hand under the hem of her dress and with a few economic movements, managed to remove her white cotton undies, giving Sousuke and Kurz nosebleeds in the process and causing the Magic Knight Club members to wrinkle their noses in revulsion. Heedless of her audience, Kohran bent down and fanned Ohgami's face with her panties.
The reaction was instantaneous. One of his hands shot out, taking the white cotton from Kohran's hand and bringing it closer to his face to take a whiff. "Ah, smells like teen spirit!" Ohgami announced to no one in particular.
"Hey look, the teacher's up!" Maria noted.
"Whose underwear is he holding?" Kensuke asked aloud, causing Sakura and Sumire to stop their skirmish.
"What underwear?" Sumire asked crossly.
"There!" Sakura pointed with her sword.
Fuu, sensing a possible comeback, answered Kensuke's question. "Oh, those are Kohran's."
Pause. And then...
"Kohran, I'll kill you for this!"
"You're going down, techie girl!"
"Uwaa!!! Sensei, save me!"
Episode notes:
Warning! Sakura Taisen characters (with "minor personality changes") detected!
Full Metal Panic (Sousuke Sagara, Kurz Weber, Kaname Chidori, Tessa Tessatarossa) characters detected!
Magic Knight Rayearth (Fuu, Umi, Hikaru) characters detected!
Card Captor Sakura (Kaho Mizuki AKA mysterious red-headed pedophile) character detected!
Neon Genesis Evangelion (Ikari Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Kensuke, Touji) characters detected!
Jigoku Sensei Nube detected!
Read or Die (Yomiko Readman and Wendy Earheart) characters detected!
Not seen yet but mentioned in the text: Ikari Gendo(NGE), Sagara Sanosuke(RK), and the elusive Hitosuji-sensei (Not a show [hopefully never] but an etchi game, 'Immoral Study.'
Another attempt at spoofery by Jemu Nekketsu
AUTHOR'S NOTE: In the tradition of the fanlit style of "Grand Cameo-ism," lots of characters that aren't property of the author are going to be used and mentioned in this work. From the title alone, one would correctly surmise that the first victim in this tragedy would be the Sakura Taisen series. As for the other victims, read further, if you dare.
DISCLAIMER: Like I said, I don't own them, and never will. The locations and events are all fiction; any similarities to real world events are purely coincidental.
* * *
"Good morning, everyone!" Ohgami Ichiro sang out as he entered the faculty room.
"Same to you," Nueno Meisuke replied. "You seem to be in a cheerful mood today."
"He has reason to be extra happy today," Kaho Mizuki said. "As this year's Student-Teacher Liaison, he'll be the one in charge of getting this year's batch of foreign students. Quite an honor, I believe."
"Exchange students?"
"Haven't you heard, Nube? We'll be receiving new victims, er, students from France! Where have you been living, in the mountains?"
"Kaho? I live in the mountains. My wife can't live without any nearby snow, remember?"
"Oops. Sorry. My wrong."
"So, tell me more about these new students we'll be having for this term."
"Six of them," Ohgami replied with a quiet intensity. "Five from France itself, one from French Indochina. All young, innocent, naive, luscious- um, scratch that- women in the making."
Nube didn't need his crystal ball to know that unholy fires were burning in his friend's eyes and mind. "Really, Ohgami, at seven in the morning? Gods you're worse than Hitosuji-san!" He whapped Ohgami on the backside of the head with his prayer book. "Begone, spirit of debauchery!"
"It could have been worse. Hitosuji-san could have been voted as the Student-Teacher Liaison." Kaho sighed.
"I'm not sure that this ecchi navy otaku is any better," Nube snorted.
"Hey! I resent that remark!"
Before Ohgami could say anything more, another person entered the faculty room. "Is Ohgami in here yet?" Katsuragi Misato, guidance counselor 1, asked as she sauntered in, a can in her hand.
Kaho took a look at the can. "Canned oo-long tea?"
"Yeah, well, the doctor told me to cut down on the alcohol if I wanted to avoid breast cancer."
"Really? I thought alcohol prevented cancer!"
"Yeah, it's what I thought too, until Doctor Takani straightened my facts."
"Good old Doctor Fox-Lady!"
Said doctor happened to be passing by the open door on her way to the flag ceremony area and managed to overhear Kaho's remark about her age. Fuming, she stuck her head in and yelled "I AM NOT OLD!!!"
Kaho raised her hands placatingly. "No, Megumi, let me explain-"
"Ano, did somebody say, 'explain'?"
"Oh, hello there, Ines," Ohgami greeted the newcomer. Ines Fressange, physics teacher built like a swimsuit model. Literally, a blonde bombshell with a Ph. D. Another woman sensitive about age jokes. "You're part French, right? Maybe you could help me out with the new students from France? My French really sucks."
"No, no, no. In French style of kissing, you do not suck, you use the tongue- oh, you mean about talking in French, oui? Of course I will help. It will be nice to talk to someone fluent in French again."
"Ohagmi! There you are! Come on, we need to start the flag ceremony now! You come along as well, Ines, if Ohgami needs your assistance that much. You know Principal Ikari doesn't like things running off schedule! As for the rest of you, head out as well, and make sure that Hitosuji doesn't victimize any of your students this early in the morning."
"I thought he only victimizes his female tutoring jobs," Nube mused.
"Who can say what he'll do? At this rate, I'm worried about our librarians, Yomiko and Wendy."
"I'm pretty sure Ms. Readman can take care of herself against our resident pervert teacher. As for Ms. Earheart, we can only hope that she serves him tea or something scalding," Nube intoned with an air of mock gravity.
Laughter followed the teachers and staff as they left the room.
* * *
The School That Exists Just For the Purpose of Bringing a Bunch of Non-Related Series and Universes Together, or The School as it was more commonly known, was a large, sprawling compound on some island sitting pretty in the middle of the ocean. It was large enough , the island I mean, to have a small, bustling metropolis where business and life took place (fondly called The City), the school being in what could be called the suburbs. It was an urban legend of sorts that there was an alien mobile battle fortress/ colony ship hidden beneath the island, which was scoffed at and put in the same category with such things as magical pubescent girls, humanoid robots armed to the teeth with cutting edge weaponry and technology, and kawaii human-animal hybrids. It was simply to ludicrous to believe that such a place existed, too staggering to believe even if it was true. One would easier believe in, say for example, the existence of common mythological creatures like dragons, unicorns, demons, and yes, even virgins, than in such a tall tale.
AND IF YOU BELIEVED THAT LAST SENTENCE OF THE PARAGRAPH UP THERE, YOU REALLY SHOULD READ SOME MORE LIGHT-HEARTED FANFICS.
* * *
"Good morning, class," Ohgami greeted as he put his things on the desk.
"Good morning, Sensei."
"Take your seats."
"To where, Sensei?" someone asked. The other students laughed.
Ohgami turned to glare at the offender. It was Weber, grinning smugly at him, his blond hair falling past the allowed hair length for males. Make that Ohgami's hair length for males. "You Kurz, can take your seat and ram it down your throat. I'll even assist you, if you think you can't do it by yourself." The class laughed again, this time at Kurz. "Class, I'm sure you've heard the rumors, and if you paid attention during the flag ceremony, you probably know what I'm talking about now."
"Cut to the chase scene, Sensei," Sousuke called out, sitting behind Kurz. "What are you talking about?"
"Aha! You did not attend the ceremony! And your excuse this time is...?"
"No excuse sir, but it's the same as always," Sousuke replied, glaring at Kaname and getting glared at by her in return. "She's late, so I'm late."
"And why is that? Do you live in the same house, hmm? Did she steal the blankets and had a really good sleep, while you had a restless one, which led to the same thing?"
The class snickered. Sousuke was still pondering how to answer and still not reveal that he's acting as bodyguard to Kaname, when the classroom door flew and smacked into Ohgami, knocking him out. The door, of course, fell on him, turning into a pancake.
"Iris, I told you to keep a lid on your temper and have some patience." A new voice floated through the door. Rather, through the hole the door was supposed to be covering.
"Iris is sorry."
"Nah, you'll be really sorry once the teacher wakes up."
"Lobelia, how did you know he was the teacher?"
"Duh, he was behind the desk wasn't he? Jeez, Sister, you are slow in the morning."
Sousuke stood up and tried to pull off the door form their teacher. "Kurz, lend me a hand, will you?"
"Sure thing, JASUTO-man!"
Kensuke leaned toward Shinji. "JASUTO-man?" he asked.
"It's probably a joke on the stuff in his backpack. You know, other than the regular guy stuff you find like packs of chips, music tapes and discs, condoms, I think he's got a bunch of JASUTO game CDs in his bag," Shinji replied.
"Eh? How did you know? Did you like open his bag or something when he was in the john?"
"Nothing of the sort. It was just one time he forgot to close his bag and heaved it into the air as was his custom before putting it on his shoulder. His stuff rained down, and I had to help him recover them."
Touji leaned forward to put in his two bits. "JASUTO is the company that made all those dating games where you couldn't see the lead guy's face, am I right?"
"Yeah, that seems to be right. I seem to remember a time when I had one or two JASUTO games in my laptop."
Meanwhile, the excavation team was making little headway. Sousuke and Kurz just managed to move the door a little, so instead of pressing down on his back evenly, the door now was just putting pressure on the small of his back. "Somebody better call Sagara-san to get this door off of Teacher," Sousuke announced.
"Hey, Sousuke!!!" the class chorused.
"Baka yaro! I meant the other Sagara in this school!! Janitor Sanosuke!"
Just then, six female students marched in, led by a tall, white-haired girl. "Hey, is there a Class Rep in the house?"
"Hey, Tessa, I think she means you!" Asuka whispered to the pale girl beside her, who was engaged in a staring match with Rei.
"Oh, what- class representative? Ah, yes, I think they voted me." A giggle escaped from Tessa's lips. Lobelia just slapped her forehead in exasperation.
"Hey, Erica, a cousin of yours?"
"Why is she my cousin?"
"She's a ditz, ain't she?"
"Well, she has the same shade of hair as you, Lobelia."
"I'll get you for that." Turning back to Tessa, Lobelia said, "Damn, but you give us snow-tops a bad name, girl. So you are the Class Rep?"
"For today, at least-"
"Fine! You'll do! Now get around to this business of intorducing us, your new classmates, to your class. This is the Mecha Pilots and Their Friends class, right?"
"Hey, isn't that supposed to be the Sensei's job?" Kurz asked, just to be insolent.
"I see you still haven't gotten teach out from under there. Here," Lobelia said, pulling out a Stiehlhandgranate from her trenchcoat and smacking on the desk, activating it. "Fire in the hole!!!"
Everybody rushed to the corner of the room farthest from the grenade, AKA around Ayanami's seat. The jostling and jockeying naturally pushed Rei at the front of the mob. With a sigh, wondering why it always happens to her, she raised her AT field. The grenade went off, reducing the desk and the door to jonesereens. (Jonesereens are remnant particles much, much smaller than smithereens.)
"Nice going Lobelia. You blew the teacher away," Glycine observed dryly.
"Let's reword your sentence. Let's make it, 'You blew up the teacher.' Sounds less kinky, right?"
"No!!! Ohgami-sensei!!! You killed him, and I haven't even shown him my panties yet!"
"Sakura, you slut! I wanted to be the first to show my panties to him!" Sumire cried out, pulling her naginata out from wherever it is a busty brunette clad in a low-cut dress can hide a six-foot pole with a 12-inch blade at the end.
A skirmish ensues, and the students quickly got out of the way. Rei sighs again.
"Hey, Sensei's still alive!" This was from Fuu, who was kneeling by the teacher's body and tailed as usual by her eternally loyal groupies, Hikaru and Umi. "I know what he needs: WIND SOUL!!!"
Green wind flows from Fuu's hand to cover Ohgami's unconscious form. It disappears, but without bringing Ohgami back to consciousness. Meanwhile, the battle raged on.
"Nice going, Four-Eyes," Kohran gloated.
"Like you could do better than Fuu-chan, nerd-girl?" Umi retorted.
"Step aside and watch a true genius work!" Kohran slipped her hand under the hem of her dress and with a few economic movements, managed to remove her white cotton undies, giving Sousuke and Kurz nosebleeds in the process and causing the Magic Knight Club members to wrinkle their noses in revulsion. Heedless of her audience, Kohran bent down and fanned Ohgami's face with her panties.
The reaction was instantaneous. One of his hands shot out, taking the white cotton from Kohran's hand and bringing it closer to his face to take a whiff. "Ah, smells like teen spirit!" Ohgami announced to no one in particular.
"Hey look, the teacher's up!" Maria noted.
"Whose underwear is he holding?" Kensuke asked aloud, causing Sakura and Sumire to stop their skirmish.
"What underwear?" Sumire asked crossly.
"There!" Sakura pointed with her sword.
Fuu, sensing a possible comeback, answered Kensuke's question. "Oh, those are Kohran's."
Pause. And then...
"Kohran, I'll kill you for this!"
"You're going down, techie girl!"
"Uwaa!!! Sensei, save me!"
Episode notes:
Warning! Sakura Taisen characters (with "minor personality changes") detected!
Full Metal Panic (Sousuke Sagara, Kurz Weber, Kaname Chidori, Tessa Tessatarossa) characters detected!
Magic Knight Rayearth (Fuu, Umi, Hikaru) characters detected!
Card Captor Sakura (Kaho Mizuki AKA mysterious red-headed pedophile) character detected!
Neon Genesis Evangelion (Ikari Shinji, Rei, Asuka, Kensuke, Touji) characters detected!
Jigoku Sensei Nube detected!
Read or Die (Yomiko Readman and Wendy Earheart) characters detected!
Not seen yet but mentioned in the text: Ikari Gendo(NGE), Sagara Sanosuke(RK), and the elusive Hitosuji-sensei (Not a show [hopefully never] but an etchi game, 'Immoral Study.'