(Standard disclaimers apply, the song "Sympathy" doesn't belong to me,
please read and review! The story picks up right after "Foreign Affairs")
It was strange; I have cried more times in the past few days, then I have in all of my life. Part of growing up being a Carter, you learn how to keep your emotions in check. And crying here in the ER, I couldn't help but look at what a drastic change my life has taken in these past few weeks, not just with Gamma dying, but with everything, and most off all with Abby.
I know I pushed her away, made her chose between her brother and me. It was an unfair thing to do, but I had so much anger, so much hate, and so many other things going on inside of me that I just didn't know what else to do. I know she wanted to be there for me, to give me a shoulder to cry on so to speak, but it was the damn stubborn Cater pride that just wouldn't let me do that in front of her. I know I've been a real ass to her, but I just didn't want her sympathy, I didn't want anybody's sympathy. And I know I'm pushing her away, and maybe, just maybe I pushed her to far this time. And I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to come back. Not after the way I have been treating her.
Stranger the your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees
I know she felt terrible about what happened at the funeral, and I hate to admit it, but my father was right. It wasn't her fault. But that doesn't stop me from blaming Eric, even though I would never tell that to her face. Yep, I screwed it up big time tonight. I screwed up the best thing in my life.
Oh everything's all wrong
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?
I laid down on the gurney, the exhaustion I felt getting the better of me. I just hoped that I could straighten things out with her before it was too late.
Before closing my eyes, I spotted three bottle of morphine on one of the trays. I stared at that bottle, just wondering what three or four of those would do for me. Help me forget.help me just relax a little. But I couldn't do it. I closed my eyes tight, and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. I couldn't go back to that place. I just couldn't.
Stranger then your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt
I don't know how long a laid there, but I awoke to someone shaking my shoulder and calling my name. I opened my eyes, and almost fell of the gurney. It was Gamma.
"Gamma?"
"Well it surely isn't Milton Burrow, now is it?"
"But-how?"
"Now John do you really think I would leave without saying goodbye," she paused a moment. "And to help you sort out this mess you have gotten into."
I didn't know what to say, I only started at her.
"You know what I am talking about John, this mess with you and Abby. Now I know that you know that I've thought that you could always do better then her, but, well I don't believe that I am saying this, but I was wrong John. Being dead has its advantages you know. I saw the two of you at the funeral, and I saw when she took your hand, and tried to comfort you. I know you were trying to be strong John, but you know you don't have to be around her. She knows you better then that. I wish you would have told me sooner that you were thinking about marrying her. I know that you put it off, but don't wait forever John, life is short. Shorter then you think, just stop doubting what your heart tells you and start living."
It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true
She paused for a moment with that look on her face that said she was right, I was wrong, so don't even think about arguing with me. So I just sighed and buried my face in my hands.
"Be happy John. All I ever wanted for you was to be happy," she said and disappeared like she was never here at all.
It was a bad dream, I concluded as I opened my eyes; just a bad dream. But then why couldn't I get her words out my head? Why couldn't I stop think how right she was?
All I wanted to do know was just forget. Just for get all of the pain I was feeling. I stole another look at the bottles, before finally getting up.
Oh yeah it's so easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?
I walked by the bottle without looking at them again, and felt a little surge of pride at my restraint. Walking by the admit desk, I could feel everyone's eyes on me, and even heard my name being called, but I walked right past them. I couldn't face them, not when I knew there was someone I had to see first.
Stranger then your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong
But I couldn't go there yet. I drove around the city for hours, before ending up back at her place, still not knowing what I was going to say to her. I had hurt her. I had hurt her in the worst way. Not just with my words, but with my heart.
I just wanted to stop. I just wanted to stop hurting her, hurting us, and hurting the future I dreamed for us.
When I finally got up the courage to knock on her door, I could hear her approaching the door, and then grab the handle, but hesitate. I didn't mind. Hell I wouldn't be surprise if she just told me to go away. But after another minute, she opened the door.
"Hey," was all I managed to say.
"Hey," she said quietly.
"You wanna-um, take a walk with me real quick?"
She hesitated, and looking more closely, in the dim lighting, I could tell that she had been crying.
"I don't know Carter," she whispers.
Carter. The word hit me like a blow. Had I really hurt her that much? After we got together, she had decided to call me just John instead of Carter, I rarely heard her call me that anymore.
"Please?" I quietly begged, my hand reaching out for hers.
"Not tonight Carter," she says and shuts the door. I hung my head feeling like I've just been hit by a ton of bricks. But I could hear Gammas voice in my head again.
"Just give her time John. Some of the best things are worth waiting for."
Standing at her door, I made a silent vow, to not give up on her, to jot give up on us, or our future.
And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one who kneel
Before all the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were empty things disguised as me
Yeah stranger then you sympathy stranger then
Your sympathy
Hmm, yeah
END
I tried to make it a happy ending, honest I did, but it just wouldn't fit with the song if I did.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It was strange; I have cried more times in the past few days, then I have in all of my life. Part of growing up being a Carter, you learn how to keep your emotions in check. And crying here in the ER, I couldn't help but look at what a drastic change my life has taken in these past few weeks, not just with Gamma dying, but with everything, and most off all with Abby.
I know I pushed her away, made her chose between her brother and me. It was an unfair thing to do, but I had so much anger, so much hate, and so many other things going on inside of me that I just didn't know what else to do. I know she wanted to be there for me, to give me a shoulder to cry on so to speak, but it was the damn stubborn Cater pride that just wouldn't let me do that in front of her. I know I've been a real ass to her, but I just didn't want her sympathy, I didn't want anybody's sympathy. And I know I'm pushing her away, and maybe, just maybe I pushed her to far this time. And I wouldn't blame her for not wanting to come back. Not after the way I have been treating her.
Stranger the your sympathy
This is my apology
I'm killing myself from the inside out
And all my fears have pushed you out
I wish for things that I don't need
All I wanted
And what I chase won't set me free
All I wanted
And I get scared but I'm not crawling on my knees
I know she felt terrible about what happened at the funeral, and I hate to admit it, but my father was right. It wasn't her fault. But that doesn't stop me from blaming Eric, even though I would never tell that to her face. Yep, I screwed it up big time tonight. I screwed up the best thing in my life.
Oh everything's all wrong
Everything's all wrong yeah
Where the hell did I think I was?
I laid down on the gurney, the exhaustion I felt getting the better of me. I just hoped that I could straighten things out with her before it was too late.
Before closing my eyes, I spotted three bottle of morphine on one of the trays. I stared at that bottle, just wondering what three or four of those would do for me. Help me forget.help me just relax a little. But I couldn't do it. I closed my eyes tight, and let out a breath I didn't know I was holding in. I couldn't go back to that place. I just couldn't.
Stranger then your sympathy
I take these things so I don't feel
I'm killing myself from the inside out
Now my head's been filled with doubt
I don't know how long a laid there, but I awoke to someone shaking my shoulder and calling my name. I opened my eyes, and almost fell of the gurney. It was Gamma.
"Gamma?"
"Well it surely isn't Milton Burrow, now is it?"
"But-how?"
"Now John do you really think I would leave without saying goodbye," she paused a moment. "And to help you sort out this mess you have gotten into."
I didn't know what to say, I only started at her.
"You know what I am talking about John, this mess with you and Abby. Now I know that you know that I've thought that you could always do better then her, but, well I don't believe that I am saying this, but I was wrong John. Being dead has its advantages you know. I saw the two of you at the funeral, and I saw when she took your hand, and tried to comfort you. I know you were trying to be strong John, but you know you don't have to be around her. She knows you better then that. I wish you would have told me sooner that you were thinking about marrying her. I know that you put it off, but don't wait forever John, life is short. Shorter then you think, just stop doubting what your heart tells you and start living."
It's hard to lead the life you choose
All I wanted
When all your luck's run out on you
All I wanted
You can't see when all your dreams are coming true
She paused for a moment with that look on her face that said she was right, I was wrong, so don't even think about arguing with me. So I just sighed and buried my face in my hands.
"Be happy John. All I ever wanted for you was to be happy," she said and disappeared like she was never here at all.
It was a bad dream, I concluded as I opened my eyes; just a bad dream. But then why couldn't I get her words out my head? Why couldn't I stop think how right she was?
All I wanted to do know was just forget. Just for get all of the pain I was feeling. I stole another look at the bottles, before finally getting up.
Oh yeah it's so easy to forget yeah
You choke on the regrets yeah
Who the hell did I think I was?
I walked by the bottle without looking at them again, and felt a little surge of pride at my restraint. Walking by the admit desk, I could feel everyone's eyes on me, and even heard my name being called, but I walked right past them. I couldn't face them, not when I knew there was someone I had to see first.
Stranger then your sympathy
All these thoughts you stole from me
I'm not sure where I belong
Nowhere's home and I'm all wrong
But I couldn't go there yet. I drove around the city for hours, before ending up back at her place, still not knowing what I was going to say to her. I had hurt her. I had hurt her in the worst way. Not just with my words, but with my heart.
I just wanted to stop. I just wanted to stop hurting her, hurting us, and hurting the future I dreamed for us.
When I finally got up the courage to knock on her door, I could hear her approaching the door, and then grab the handle, but hesitate. I didn't mind. Hell I wouldn't be surprise if she just told me to go away. But after another minute, she opened the door.
"Hey," was all I managed to say.
"Hey," she said quietly.
"You wanna-um, take a walk with me real quick?"
She hesitated, and looking more closely, in the dim lighting, I could tell that she had been crying.
"I don't know Carter," she whispers.
Carter. The word hit me like a blow. Had I really hurt her that much? After we got together, she had decided to call me just John instead of Carter, I rarely heard her call me that anymore.
"Please?" I quietly begged, my hand reaching out for hers.
"Not tonight Carter," she says and shuts the door. I hung my head feeling like I've just been hit by a ton of bricks. But I could hear Gammas voice in my head again.
"Just give her time John. Some of the best things are worth waiting for."
Standing at her door, I made a silent vow, to not give up on her, to jot give up on us, or our future.
And I wasn't all the things
I tried to make believe I was
And I wouldn't be the one who kneel
Before all the dreams I wanted
And all the talk and all the lies
Were empty things disguised as me
Yeah stranger then you sympathy stranger then
Your sympathy
Hmm, yeah
END
I tried to make it a happy ending, honest I did, but it just wouldn't fit with the song if I did.
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!PLEASE REVIEW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!