Drill Sargent
By Silver Elf Child
Co-authored by Elwenildo and Angelfire.
Disclaimer: We do not own the Mighty Ducks, Disney does. We own this insane idea, or is it the pain medication? We don't know. God owns us. Silver Elf Child owns Magic and Gigabyte. Elwenildo owns the electrical can opener. Angelfire owns the dentist chair.
A/N: (SEC) Okay now this little fic was inspired by my latest visit to the dentist. Like having one tooth pulled wasn't enough, I had to go back and have another one pulled on spring break. I'm in pain right now and Elwenildo can vouch for that. She went with me to get the darn thing out. Thanks Angelfire for helping me with choosing which Duck to torture. Next time I go in to the dentist I'll have to bring along my tools'. For all of you out there in my predicament and Duke's I feel for you.
A/N: (Elwenildo) Guten Tag! Quatsch! Hello, Goodbye. Dentists are scary. Drontt. He he.
A/N: (Angelfire) Add maniacal laughter here
Duke stepped out of the shower and started to dry off. He tied a towel around his waist as he toweled his hair and face. He winced in pain when he touched his right cheek. He was going to have to do something about that.
After getting dressed, Duke headed to the kitchen to get some aspirin. He found Mallory and Wildwing sitting at the table trying to figure out how to use the electrical can opener.
"Wildwing, just read the manual."
"I don't need to read some stupid manual."
"Wildwing, that doesn't sound right."
"What doesn't?"
"That grinding sound."
"Oh Mallory, you're over-reacting."
The argument was entertaining, but Duke had other important matters to attend to. He found the aspirin in the cupboard and placed it on the counter before he retrieved the lemonade from the refrigerator.
Wildwing briefly looked up before returning to his discussion.
"Wildwing, it's smoking!"
"Don't be absurd it is smoking!"
"Turn it off!"
"How?"
"The button?!"
"Which button!"
"That one!"
"Which one? There are five buttons!"
"Quick, get the fire extinguisher!"
Wildwing raced to get the fire extinguisher as Mallory jumped back from the flaming machine. Tanya and Nosedive came walking into the kitchen.
"Nosedive, will you please keep your cat away from Gigabyte."
"He has a name, Tanya," Nosedive said bitterly.
"That's not the point, Nosedive. He's FIRE!"
"What? You can't fire him."
"No, fire," Tanya said as she pointed at the small blaze on the table.
Duke pulled the plug from the wall as Wildwing savagely assaulted the tiny inferno with the fire-extinguisher's foam. The fire was quickly smothered and everyone let out a collective sigh.
"What happened?" Dive asked Wing.
"Nothing."
"Nothing?!" Mallory exploded as she flung foam across the room. "You refused to read the directions!" Mallory said as she wiped the excess foam from her hair.
"Mallory, how hard could an electrical can opener be to run?" Wildwing asked.
"Harder then you expected since you couldn't make it work."
"It was working fine until you started messing with it."
"Me?!"
"That's enough!" Tanya interrupted.
Duke sighed heavily before taking his aspirin. The tart lemonade made him wince in pain as he swallowed the beverage. The debate continued on the other side of the room. Under normal circumstances, he would have stuck around to watch the festivities, but today he was not in the mood. The others stopped in mid-sentence as the door slid shut behind Duke. They gave each other confused looks before continuing with their argument. Mallory accused Wildwing of breaking the can opener. Tanya accused Nosedive for not controlling Magic.
"Wing, tell Tanya I can't control Magic."
"Don't bring him into this," Tanya scolded.
"Nosedive, we have more important things to discuss, like Wildwing's stupidity," Mallory said.
"I'm not stupid, Mallory."
"Well, not following the instructions isn't exactly being smart, Wildwing."
"Can we discuss this later? We have practice in ten minutes."
"I'm not through with you," Mallory said as she stood up to go get suited up.
***
"Oof, would you mind not hitting me below the belt?"
"Sorry, Wing," Mallory smirked.
"Yeah sure. Okay, guys, let's practice the ladder drill."
"I hate the ladder drill," Nosedive commented as he skated to his position.
Duke stood at center ice, Grin and Dive at the blue line, and Tanya and Mallory were straddling the goal line. Mallory passed the puck diagonally to Grin, who passed the puck to Duke. Duke skated the puck from center ice, over the blue line. He passed the puck to Nosedive, who tried to get a good shot on his brother, but Mallory was preventing him from getting a shot off. Nosedive passed the puck back to Duke and charged towards the net. Duke passed the puck to Grin and he followed Dive to the net. Grin passed the puck to Nosedive and he prepared to slap the puck into the net. Mallory cross-checked Dive and as he fell forward he high-sticked Duke. Duke dropped his stick and gloves and fell to the ice holding his right cheek. Nosedive spun around to challenge Mallory.
"What's up with pushing me, Mal Mal?"
"I tripped."
"Sure you did," Dive said sarcastically. "If you ask me, you were"
"Duke, are you all right?" Wildwing asked as he skated out of the crease and up to the older mallard.
Duke moaned, rolled onto his back and continued to hold his cheek. Nosedive turned around to find Duke rolling around on the ice in pain.
"Way to go, Dive," Mallory said as she slapped the back of his helmet. "You high sticked Duke."
"Oh man. I'm sorry, Duke," Dive said as Tanya and Grin helped Duke to a sitting position.
Duke waved him off. "It's okay, kid. No harm no, oww, foul."
"Are you sure, Duke?" Wildwing asked.
"I said I was okay," Duke said in defiance. " A couple of aspirins and I'll be fine."
"That may be true," said Tanya. "But I think you should sit out for a while."
Duke smiled at the blond, but winced.
"Oh, stop trying to be macho," she replied as she gave him a playful slap to his shoulder.
"I can't help it, sweet-heart."
Duke thankfully, yet regretfully, skated off the ice and headed to the locker room. After getting dressed he headed down to the kitchen and took two aspirins. He sat at the kitchen table contemplating what to do about his toothache. He didn't want to go to the dentist, so he convinced himself that it wasn't all that bad.
"How are you doing, Duke?"
Duke looked up to find Wildwing sitting at the table.
"I'm fine," Duke said in an off-handed manner.
"That was a pretty hard hit you took out there."
"Ah, it wasn't that bad. I've seen worse."
"You looked like you were in quite a bit of pain."
"What are you getting at, Wing?"
"You've been taking a lot of pain-killers lately."
"Wildwing, I'm fine."
"Are you sure that you don't need to go see a"
"I SAID I WAS FINE!" Duke shouted before standing up and storming out of the room.
"What was that all about?" Tanya asked as she sat down next to Wildwing.
"I have no idea."
"Is he mad about being high-sticked?"
"No, well, I don't think so. He lost it when I mentioned all the pain killers he's been taking lately."
"Pain killers?! You don't think he's"
"No, but I do think he needs to see a dentist for that toothache."
"Well, the NHL does require us to have dental exams before each season."
"What are you saying?"
"We can all have dental exams tomorrow."
Wildwing rolled his eyes. "Do we ALL have to get one? Duke's the only one who is in pain."
"Are you afraid, Wildwing?"
Wildwing swallowed hard, "No, I'm not afraid. I'm just saying"
"I'll make the appointment right now."
"Great," Wildwing mumbled under his breath.
"What?"
"I said great," Wildwing smiled.
The next day the ducks were at the dentist's office bright and early.
"Come on guys, do we really have to do this?" Duke asked.
"It's required by the NHL, Duke," Tanya informed.
"So, who goes first?" Nosedive asked.
"Wildwing's captain, he should go first," Mal stated.
"Me?! Why me?"
"Because your captain," Mal reiterated.
"So."
"Come on bro, you always went first when we were kids."
"Yeah, well maybe you should go first for a change."
"I will go," Grin stated as he stood up and left the room.
Wildwing went after Grin; then Mallory and Nosedive followed. While Nosedive was in with the dentist the first three discussed their clean bills of health (Sorry I couldn't help the pun) (Sure Elwenildo, that's what they all say). Nosedive came walking out with the dentist close behind him. He plopped down into a chair and brushed his hair back.
"How was it baby bro?"
"Don't ask."
"He has three cavities that need to be filled," the dentist said. "I have an opening next Tuesday when I can fill two of them."
"Well, Dive?" Wildwing asked.
"What? Okay, so you told me so! I won't eat so much junk food. Geesh, you don't have to rub it in."
Wildwing gave his brother a confused look. "Um, I meant, do you want to make the appointment for next week?"
"Oh that, I guess so, sure."
"Now that you mention it, Dive"
"Uh, here we go."
Everyone laughed at the teen.
"Okay, all you need to do is make the appointment with the receptionist. Who's next?"
"That would be Duke," Tanya said.
"Me? Why me?"
"Because that's the way we agreed to go," Wildwing said calmly. "Two guys then one of the girls then two more guys and the last one of the girls."
Duke sighed heavily and left the room. After he left the room Wildwing winked at Tanya. Duke followed the dentist back to the exam room and sat down.
"I'll be right back," the dentist informed him.
Duke leaned back and tried to relax. He looked around and found the tools of the trade lying on a paper towel on the counter. A pick, drill, suction hose, mouthwash, tissues, and tongue depressors. The small shiny objects didn't worry him; it was the small sharp ones that scared him. Duke started to become uneasy and sat up to look around more carefully. He heard the sound of a drill grinding against a tooth over the intercom's soothing music. The owner of the tooth screamed out in agony and Duke recoiled from the counter. Suddenly the pain in his jaw became tremendous and he started to back out of the room. NHL or no NHL, he was not doing this!
"All right, let's get started," the dentist said as he came into the room behind Duke.
Duke jumped, startled by the intrusion, spun around, and drew his saber.
"Calm down sir, it's only an exam."
"Nuh-uh, nope, not today. No one's getting near me or my teeth."
"Sir, please calm down," the dentist insisted and stepped forward with his hands held up so Duke could see them.
"Back off buddy," Duke exclaimed as he jumped up onto the chair and wielded his saber at the dentist.
"Sir please get off the furniture. This is not a jungle gym; it's a dentist office. Chairs are meant to be sat in not stood on."
"Back off," Duke said in a menacing tone. "You are NOT coming near me with ANY of those sharp implements."
"Please get off the chair, we just had it re-upholstered. I will not hurt you."
"Ha, I don't think so. Stay back!" Duke exclaimed as he thrust his arm towards the dentist.
The dentist jumped back and quickly exited the room.
***
"Excuse me," the secretary said as she approached the ducks in the waiting room.
"Yes?" Wildwing asked, looking up from his magazine.
"Um, the dentist was wondering if one of you could come and calm your friend down."
"What do you mean?" Tanya asked.
"It appears that he's holding the doctor and his assistants at bay with a sword."
"Great," Wildwing said unenthusiastically as he rolled his eyes and put down the magazine. "I'll be right back."
The receptionist escorted Wildwing back to the exam room that Duke was now barricaded in.
"I said, don't come any closer!" Duke hollered as Wildwing squeezed past the rolling cabinet positioned in the doorway.
"Duke, calm down."
"Wing, you've gotta get me outta here."
"Duke, it's just an exam. It won't hurt."
"It doesn't matter, it already hurts being here!" Duke said as he placed his left hand on his right cheek.
"As soon as I see what's wrong, I can tell you how to stop the pain," the dentist said as he leaned into the room.
Duke lifted his saber up into a defensive position and the dentist quickly retreated.
"Duke, give me your saber," Wildwing said in a coaxing voice.
"What?"
"Put away your saber and give it to me."
"What?!" No!"
"I'll give it back to you after the dentist looks at your tooth."
"No way, Wing," Duke said as he swung his saber at Wildwing.
Wing jumped back and crashed into a tray of tools, which fell to the floor with a loud clatter. "Duke, put down your saber," Wildwing growled.
"No way! No one is coming near me. Not when they want to touch my teeth."
"Duke, no one is going to hurt you. Trust me."
"Nuh-uh, no way," Duke shook his head no. The motion evoked immense pain and he hissed.
"Duke, please listen to me. Dive needs three fillings and they didn't do anything today. All they did was look. That's all they are going to do. I promise they won't hurt you."
"They won't?" Duke said as he climbed off the chair.
"They won't hurt you. All they want to do is help you, but they can't do that if you're swinging a sword at them."
"But Wing, I don't want"
"I know, Duke. You want the pain to stop. That's why we are here, to get rid of the pain," Wildwing said as he laid a comforting hand on Duke's shoulder.
Duke looked at Wing dubiously. Wing wasn't that reassuring, but he did trust his leader to a point. If he promised something, then he meant it. "I don't know."
Wildwing smiled at him and held out his hand.
Duke looked down at his saber and back to Wildwing. He didn't want to give up his saber, but he knew that Wildwing would not back down until he had given him the weapon. "Okay." He retracted the saber and handed it to Wildwing.
"Thank you, Duke, now sit down, relax and it'll be all over in just a few minutes."
Duke took his seat hesitantly. Wildwing could see the apprehension in his eye. "Don't worry, Duke, it'll be all right."
Duke leaned back and closed his eye as Wildwing left the room. Somehow, the action soothed him. Outside the room, Wildwing nodded to the dentist before going back to the waiting room. The dentist waited a few minutes before entering the room.
***
"Hey, Wing."
"Yeah, Dive?"
"Why do you have Duke's saber?"
"Just a precaution for the doctor."
"He was swinging it, wasn't he?" Dive smiled.
"At everyone in the room," Wing sighed.
"He attacked YOU?!" Mallory said in disbelief.
"You could say that."
"Why would he attack you?" Tanya asked.
"Beats the heck out of me."
"WHERE IS HE!"
"Um, I'll see you guys in the migrator, bye," Wildwing said meekly as he headed to the door. Before he left the building, he quickly added, "Tell him you don't know where I am."
Wildwing was very lucky, because Duke came storming into the room ten seconds after the door closed.
"Hey Duke, so what's the verdict?" Nosedive said as the enraged mallard stepped into the waiting room ready to kill Wildwing.
"Where is he?" Duke seethed.
"Um, who?" Dive asked playing stupid.
"Your brother," Duke hissed.
"He stepped out for a minute, Duke," Tanya informed him. "What do you need?"
"To kill him!"
The ducks each gave him a confused look.
"Why?" Mallory asked.
Steam started to come out of his ears and his eye started to bulge. He was ready to spit fire at any moment and his face was changing color from red to deep purple.
"Calm down Duke, your aura is troubled," Grin said as he stood up from where he was meditating on the floor.
"Oh, it's troubled all right. Where is that stinking liar! He's going to pay for making me go though that agonizing dental visit!"
"Duke, just tell us what happened."
Duke lifted his shoulders to his ears and heaved his breaths in and out. He was ready to explode; as a matter of fact, he didn't know what was holding him back from doing just that.
"Excuse me Mr. L'Orange, but you need to have that tooth removed immediately. If you would please come back in and we'll take care of it for you right now."
"Get away from me," Duke snapped as he spun around to face the devil dentist. "No one, and I mean NO one is coming near me again!"
Grin calmly walked up behind Duke, took hold of his lunatic friend and restrained him till the dentist administered the appropriate drugs to calm him down. As soon as Duke was manageable, Grin walked him back to the dentist chair, where he underwent general anesthesia and the dentist began his work. An hour later a very groggy, yet relieved, Duke came walking back into the room with the dental assistant escort.
"How do you feel, Duke?" Tanya asked.
Duke motioned to his mouth and gave the no way' sign.
"He won't be able to speak for a few hours. He has gauze in his mouth," the assistant informed them.
Duke nodded.
Wildwing poked his head into the door, but quickly retreated back to the migrator when he saw Duke standing with the dental assistant. After the dentist finished writing up the prescription and gave Duke some final instructions, they left. They found Wildwing trembling with fear at the migrator's driver seat.
"Hi, Duke," Wildwing said in a shaky voice.
"Mmmph," Duke waved.
"Uh, what's wrong?"
"He has cotton in his mouth," Mallory stated.
"He won't be able to talk for a few hours," Tanya added.
Duke nodded as he sunk into the nearest seat and leaned back.
"We need to pick-up his pain medication on the way home," Tanya said as Wildwing started up the engine.
"Just pain medication? Didn't he prescribe any sedative?" Wildwing asked as he eyed Duke over his shoulder.
"He's pretty out of it now, Wildwing. I don't think we'll need sedative."
"It's not now that's worrying me, it's later."
Nosedive suppressed a laugh and Mallory slapped him. While the ducks waited for Tanya at the pharmacy, Wildwing looked back at Duke. He was fast asleep, snoring and drooling away. He looked so peaceful. No one would have thought that he was about to decapitate Wildwing just an hour earlier. Tanya returned with the medication and they returned to the Pond. Grin carried Duke to the rec. room couch and laid him down. He slept soundly there for three hours. He awoke to find Nosedive and Mallory fighting over the TV control.
"Stop it."
"You stop it."
"Nosedive I'm warning you!"
"I was here first."
"You were playing video games next to the wall."
"So"
"I want to watch the news."
"I'm watching cartoons."
"No, Nosedive, the news."
"Boring! Cartoons are a lot more fun and engaging."
"I'll engage you in a minute down in the training hall if you're not careful," Mal threatened.
"What? You want to marry me?" Dive said with a sly smile. "Why Mal, I never knew you cared."
"Shut up!"
"She loves me, she loves me not, she loves me, she"
"AHHHH," Mallory screamed as she jumped up from the couch she was sitting on and started to strangle Dive.
"Uh, help," Dive squeaked.
Duke started to laugh, but he choked on the cotton gauze in his mouth.
"Are you okay Duke?" Mallory asked as she paused from killing Dive. Nosedive looked up at Duke and mouthed help me'.
Duke spit out the gauze and smiled at the red-head. "Never been better. So who has the vicodin?"
"Tanya has it in the infirmary."
"Thanks," Duke said as he rose to leave. Mallory resumed killing Dive. Nosedive flailed his arms in a futile attempt to save his life.
After finding Tanya in the infirmary, Duke went to the kitchen to get something to drink. Since the dentist recommended a carbonated drink, Duke decided to swipe one of Dive's sodas. Heck, if Mallory had her way he wouldn't have to explain the missing drink. The kitchen was dark, so he flipped on the light. Wildwing, who was asleep at the table, sat up and looked around the room frantically.
"Oh, sorry."
"Uh, no problem," Wildwing said in a shaky voice.
Duke gave him a confused look as he went to get the soda. After taking the painkiller he sat down at the table and gave Wing the best smile he could without evoking pain.
"How ya feelin'?"
"Better. Oh, Wing, I do believe that you have something of mine."
Wildwing slid his chair back as Duke extended his hand out to his leader.
"Yeah, I do," Wildwing said hesitantly. He didn't know whether now was a good time to return the saber or not. "Um, no hard feelings right?" Wing laughed nervously as he relinquished the sword back to its rightful owner. Duke activated the saber and rotated it in his hands a few times. Wildwing withdrew farther away when Duke lowered the weapon and pointed it at him.
"Na, never crossed my mind," he smiled evilly as he retracted the blade and put the saber away.
Wildwing gave a sigh of relief and wiped the sweat from his brow.
"Actually, Wing, I need to thank you. I'm in a little pain, but not as much as I was before with that tooth in my mouth."
"I'm glad to hear that."
"Not as much as I am. Did you know that my root was exposed?"
"Eeeh," Wildwing wrinkled his nose at the very idea of having a tooth with its root exposed.
"No wonder I was ready to go off the deep end," Duke laughed. "By the way, Mal's in the rec. room killing your brother."
Wildwing paused momentarily before racing to his brother's rescue. Duke laughed and sipped the soda. "Oh well, it looks like I'm going to have to explain the missing drink."
The End.
I just LOVE the dentist. Next time I'm bringing my friend's broad sword with me. That way they can't rip out any more teeth. I just finally started to recover from my last tooth extraction. Trust me, dry socket is NOT fun! Now, boredfan, I don't just torture Wing. See, I can torture any of the ducks. It's all part of being evil and queen of the purple froed penguins. So tell me, whom do you want me to torture next? I'll do it. I promise I'll do it!