Sometimes she forgets that she didn't realize at first. That she completely missed the signs. Every hint or clue flew over her head in a way not typical for Quinn. She didn't notice the slow disappearance of snide remarks or cruel taunts. She didn't notice that her disdain for the girl with brown eyes was shrinking away. No, Quinn didn't pick up on how she began to smile every now and then when Rachel was speaking. And she certainly didn't notice how her heart began to lift whenever that voice was set free. Quinn almost missed it altogether. Almost.
Sometimes, Quinn wishes she could go back to not knowing. It would have been much easier if she never realized. If she never began to notice. But Quinn knows that there is no going back, only forward. She figured that out a long time ago. So, she pushes ahead, always hopeful, though not nearly as naïve. If high school had taught her anything, it was that there was no room for that in her life. There was no room for her past in her future. Well, most of her past, anyway. There would always be room for her.
Sometimes Quinn imagines what it would be like if, for only a moment, Rachel felt the same way. Would they be timid about it? Or would they just come together like they had always known it would end up that way? Quinn hopes for the latter. How different would their lives be if Rachel felt the same way? Quinn would go to New York, of course. She could not and would not ask Rachel to give that up. But, other than location, would things be so much different? Would they be better? Quinn doesn't know, but as she looks at her life now - as she thinks about how everything has turned out so far - she tends to hope so.
Sometimes she visits Rachel. She takes that trip without hesitation, but knowing all the while that it will be painful. For when she reaches New York, when she finally gets to Rachel, it's almost as if she's not really there. Because it's either Brody or Finn or something else that has Rachel's attention. Not that Quinn doesn't understand; life takes over, and it's easy to forget about the things that don't matter as much. What hurts Quinn is that she falls into that category. Her visits to New York become less frequent. But her thoughts never stray far from the girl with the brown eyes.
Sometimes Quinn cries. Not often, and not overwhelmingly so. But once in a while, it all becomes too much to bear. Knowing that she has gotten herself into a place that she cannot (and probably would not) leave. She knows that she's in love with Rachel. But she's never been an idiot. She knows that Rachel can't love her. Not in the way that Quinn needs. And she knows that she should leave it at that, should move on, should find someone else. Quinn also knows that that is not a possibility.
Sometimes Quinn laughs. She does this more than she cries, which is a victory in her book. She laughs at various things, but never does she laugh more than when she visits Rachel. They have the best talks, when Rachel is available, of course. They have come so far as people, and Quinn laughs at the idea that she could have ever disliked Rachel Berry. Yes, they have come so very far. Quinn only wishes that Rachel could come a little further.
Sometimes Quinn second guesses herself. She lives in New York now. She moved recently, after finishing at Yale. She spends more time with Rachel than ever before. Which is odd, because Rachel is quite overwhelmed with auditions. Quinn is still head over heels for Rachel. But she has learned to live with it. She knows that some things just can't be, and as painful as that is, she is just grateful for what she has. What's funny, though, is that history tends to repeat itself. For Quinn is back in the stage of not noticing things. She doesn't notice that Rachel's gaze often lingers on her face for a second too long. Nor does she see the slight increase in Rachel's smile whenever the two see each other.
Quinn loves Rachel all of the time. But sometimes, although increasingly so, Quinn knows that Rachel just might love her, too.