The Toupee
Rilian
Edited by Froggy
Disclaimer: Obviously, Denethor doesn't belong to me. Mighty Tolkien thought him up first. When I wrote this, by best friend was bugging me. She reminds me of Denethor, and so, I decided to write this story picturing her as the hero. Cheers.
One day, when Denethor was swinging through the jungle, he spotted something black and hairy. He was quite curious about this strange object, so he swung down and grabbed it.
"Hmm…what's this?" he pondered, examining it like a monkey would. "Looks to me to be a toupee." He placed it on his head and swung away back to Minas Tirith. When he arrived, all the women looked at him as if he was as beautiful as an elf. They had all fallen madly in love with him because of the toupee.
One day, Wormtongue married and brought his fifty children to visit Denethor. They camped out in a rickety old camp trailer, destroyed the throne room, and killed Denethor's prize-winning goldfish, along with his pet snail and everything in the aquarium. Years later, Denethor found a dried up fish stuck to the wall behind the table that the aquarium was sitting on.
Fifty years had passed and Denethor had never taken off the toupee. One day, Faramir hypnotized Denethor to give it to him. So Denethor did. Now Faramir didn't plan to keep it, so he lit it on fire and lobbed it off the top of Minas Tirith for revenge on his father for the time a monkey had bounded into the throne room and picked fleas off Denethor's voluptuous rabbit fur coat. Then, the monkey had eaten them and spit them up on Faramir's boot.
"Steward Denethor has a toupee on his rear!" shrieked Éomer. Peter Rabbit and his sisters were listening to Éomer tell a story. "Your father had an accident one day. Lord Denethor caught him. No time to give a last goodbye, he soon became a butt toupee."
When Denethor's hypnosis wore off, he went even more insane and lit himself on fire. Then, he leapt off the side of the building. Gandalf and Pippin tried desperately to stop him, but Gandalf was distracted when he saw insane green seagulls attacking and crapping on Faramir. He accidentally transformed Pippin into a fat chicken (Don't ask me how Gandalf did, he just did).
Now, when the guards spotted Pippin the fat chicken, they raced after him, for they felt inclined to have him for supper. They chased him until they saw the Pig Orc leader and decided to make him into some bacon for breakfast. The Pig Orc came back to life and went after Wormtongue's children. Denethor made a heroic effort to save them, but then, Wormtongue exploded, along with all the children. They were really balloons! Saruman had sent them to trick Denethor, because really, Wormtongue was dead. And I just tricked you because Saruman was dead too. Really, the Pig Orc sent them. And I just tricked you again, because it wasn't really the Pig Orc. It was Faramir, who had dressed up like the Pig Orc. Oops, tricked you again! It wasn't really him either. It was Denethor's mom. She wanted to trick her son so that she could steal his toupee. I don't know if she got it or not.
Meanwhile, Pippin ran back to the Shire, where he tried to get help from his friend, Merry. But Pippin had forgotten that Merry possessed an uncanny fear of chickens and small dogs. Pippin frightened him so badly that he shrieked like a Nazgûl and crashed right through his door, leaving a gaping hole that resembled him in shape. After this, he raced to Rohan where he slammed into Théoden King, knocking him to the ground. Théoden grew so angry that little flowers grew out of Éomer's nose and ears. He gave the order to throw Merry in the dungeon.
Anyway, after a few days as a chicken, Pippin became quite accustomed to it. But his appetite grew even larger than before, and he started to eat the entire Shire. Gandalf came and tried to stop him, but his magic went awry again and he transformed all the Hobbits, including Frodo and Sam, into mushrooms. Pippin ate them. After this, Pippin journeyed to Mirkwood to endeavor to obtain help from Legolas. But this plan to get help back-fired and Legolas shot Pippin, not knowing who he was. Legolas, Aragorn, Gimli, Gandalf, all the Elves, and all the Gondorians ate Pippin that night. But everyone was disgusted by the pungent odor that Aragorn carried, so they threw him in the river, where he was swept off to sea. And then, everyone got sick of listening to Gimli talking about how he and all the Dwarves loved to go swimming with little hairy women. So they threw him in the river too, after Aragorn.
A year later, Legolas and Gandalf went looking for the four Hobbits. They searched high and low but no trace of them could they find. Gandalf grew weary of looking, so he settled down in the grass for a break to smoke his pipe. He accidentally smoked too much, got stoned, and started seeing little mushrooms of all colors dancing and singing around a rainbow and a pot of gold. He laughed, he laughed, and he laughed some more. Legolas waited patiently for Gandalf, but when the old wizard began to laugh like the Stinky Old Man, he grew mad with anger and shot Gandalf. Fortunately, he died happily. But before he died, Gandalf accidentally turned Treebeard into a huge clown. Legolas screamed and ran so fast to Rohan that his legs resembled spinning wheels. When he came quickly to Rohan, he locked himself up in the dungeon with Merry.
Finis