Summary: The Voyager crew stumbles across fan fiction. Chaos and confusion ensues.
Disclaimer: If you see stuff you recognize, it doesn't belong to me.
"Amazing, isn't it," Captain Kathryn Janeway breathed out as she looked at the device. A few hours ago, she had been standing on the bridge, trying to keep herself entertained in an unoccupied region of space. For the past two weeks, there had been no anomalies, no spacial distortions, no signs of alien life. Nothing. Not even a few particles of dust to observe. And for Kathryn Janeway, the lack of, well, anything, was infuriating. Really, she would rather have an encounter with a hostile species if it meant a relief from the boredom.
Then, to her delight, Voyager's scanners detected some kind of pod drifting in space, and upon further scans, she learned that it was Terran in origin, from the 21st century. Immediately, she had redirected Voyager's path to intercept the pod, and upon arrival, the only object inside was the one right before her. A computer.
"There," B'Elanna pronounced as she disconnected the computer from the power source and turned the computer on. Both B'Elanna and Janeway watched in anticipation as the ancient machine hummed to life, though Janeway knew it was due to B'Elanna's extensive tinkering that the machine worked after so many years of abandonment.
The two women watched in anticipation as the black screen lit up, until it finally became light blue with four colored boxes in the center of the screen. Then, the computer made strange sounds, and a new screen popped up. "Fan fiction?" Kathryn asked B'Elanna upon reading the title at the top of the screen, confused as to what exactly she was seeing.
Kathryn reluctantly clicked on the red x at the top of the screen. It was with no small amount of regret that she closed the window. At first, she was curious at the strange "fanfiction" on the computer, but was immediately interested when she saw her own name. Unable to resist, she started reading one story, and then another. She had only meant to read part of the text, just to see what the strange thing was, but as she read, she became engrossed in the story of her alternate self, and before she knew it, she was surrounded by stacks of PADDs from her senior officers containing their reports, and she had yet to look at them. Of two things she was certain - the stories were strangely addicting, and that she was having trouble remembering what happened in her timeline.
Suddenly, the door buzzed, startling Kathryn out of her contemplations. "Come," she called, and the door to her quarters slid open as Chakotay walked in. Kathryn sent him a questioning glance, wondering why he was there, as her eyes flicked back to the computer, wondering how long he would take before she could get back to her non-work related readings. "Did you want something, commander?" she asked after a few moments, her impatience getting the better of her.
"When was the last time you ate, Captain?" His response caught her off guard. Kathryn looked at him, startled, but gave no reply. When was the last time she ate anything? In all honesty, she didn't remember. But that was normal for her. Except usually she only missed meals for something work-related. Chakotay watched Kathryn consider his question, and from her expression, he knew immediately that the answer to his question was a long time ago. "You should eat something," he commented. "Why don't you accompany me to the mess hall."
"Thank you, Chakotay, but I'm not hungry," Kathryn said dismissively, hoping he would give up and leave her alone. Chakotay, however, stood his ground despite her glare.
"You haven't eaten in hours, Kathryn. You need to eat."
"I'll replicate something," Kathryn said, hoping that would get him to leave. Chakotay studied her for a moment, before frowning and shaking his head no.
Before she could protest, Chakotay sat down on the couch opposite from her. He placed his hands on his lap and watched her intently. "Did you need something else?" Kathryn asked irritably. His unwavering gaze was unnerving her. The way he stared at her, the intensity, became almost overwhelming. Subconsciously, she licked her lips, and when he cocked his head to the side, giving her a curious gaze, she let out a slight gasp. Surprised at the audible noise, she resisted the urge to clap her hand over her mouth. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction on knowing that he was having some kind of effect on her. "If that is all, you are dismissed," she said in her command voice.
Chakotay shook his head no. "I'll wait for you to eat."
"Commander," Kathryn began, trying to keep her voice from trembling. Damn his heady gaze that seemed to suggest he could see into her soul, "I do not need a babysitter. Now get out." Seeing he wasn't about to move, she shot him the Janeway death glare, as her crew called it, but even that failed to have an effect on him.
"I'll leave after you eat. So either you replicate and eat something now, or you accompany me to the mess hall." His voice was firm, but deep down, Chakotay was affected by the ferocity of her gaze.
"I gave you an order, commander. Out," Janeway snapped threateningly.
Chakotay winced slightly at her tone, and then, in a husky voice, he responded, "It's my duty to see to your well being, Kathryn."
Despite her resolve to remain firm, Kathryn felt her expression softening at the obvious concern in his tone. He cared about her. That was why he was being obstinate. After all, of course her lover would want her to take care of herself. At that thought, Kathryn froze, a look of horror coming over her face.
"Is something wrong?" Chakotay immediately picked up on her distress. Kathryn shook her head no. How could she tell him that her mind just referred to him as her lover. They weren't lovers. It was just something from one of those stories she read. Maybe their alternate selves were... No, she couldn't allow her mind to wanter there.
"Kathryn," Chakotay said hesitantly, trying to get her attention and sensing she was shocked about something.
"It's nothing, dear," Kathryn responded absentmindedly, her brain still trying to sort out what were her memories and which memories came from the stories.
Kathryn looked up to see Chakotay staring at her in confusion. "You called me dear," he stated once he was sure he had her attention.
She stared at him in shock. She wouldn't call him that, would she? They weren't involved. Not in her reality. Trying to avert the situation, she said, "I said clear. I said are we clear."
Chakotay didn't believe her for a minute. "No, you clearly said dear."
"No, dear, I really didn't. You must have misheard..." Kathryn trailed off as she did it again, her mind catching up with her words to catch her unintentional slip. With a gasp, her hand flew over her mouth. What was wrong with her? Didn't she have some semblance of self control. Clearly not, her subconscious told her snidely.
"You did it again." Kathryn knew this time there was no point in trying to convince Chakotay otherwise. Twice she had let her tongue slip, and they both knew it.
Just wanting the conversation to be over, Kathryn went over to her replicator. "Coffee, black," she instructed the computer, and grabbed the cup of steaming coffee. She took a sniff, and then drank, allowing the bitter liquid to glide down her throat. She hummed in pleasure. Coffee could make any situation better. "There, I've eaten," she informed Chakotay, hoping he would leave to save her any further embarrassing mishaps.
"Coffee isn't a food group," Chakotay retorted. "You need to eat something besides coffee." Kathryn didn't say anything, not trusting herself to talk. She needed time to review her personal logs, to remind herself what actually happened, not of the alternative realities she discovered through the fanfictions. Chakotay slowly approached her, and Kathryn was too frozen to back away even though she knew she should. "I'm worried about you, Kathryn," Chakotay said as he placed a reassuring hand on her arm.
Kathryn froze as the heat from his touch seared her. Something within her ignited from his touch, and she bit back a gasp. She looked tentatively into Chakotay's eyes and was stunned by the warmth and concern she saw there. She marveled at the way his husky voice caressed the syllables of her name, his dark brown eyes that bore deeply into hers with nothing but concern, the electricity generated by a small touch. Her gaze trailed down his face and came to rest on his delectable looking lips. For a moment, she felt herself leaning up towards him, and then reality struck. She backed away, shocked at how much she suddenly wanted to kiss him. Protocols. That was why she had to push him away. Protocols. Maybe her alternative selves were comfortable with having a relationship with a subordinate, but she wasn't. She couldn't. She had to escape him before he could notice anything else out of the ordinary.
Setting her coffee down, Kathryn backed away from him. Turning to exit her quarters, she mumbled, "I'll go get something from the mess hall."
Before she could leave, Chakotay grabbed Kathryn's wrist, forcing her to turn and look at him. "Something is bothering you. Please tell me about it. I'm worried about you." Kathryn smiled at the concern in his voice, though her mind listed a million reasons why she needed to break away from his grip and leave. "I sense you're confused. Please talk to me," Chakotay said when Kathryn remained silent.
Kathryn sighed. "You're right, Chakotay, I am confused. That's why I need to time to myself to think. Please, love, give me some time to think."
Shocked at her declaration, Chakotay dropped her arms. "Love?" he asked with incredulity. Years ago, just after New Earth, he had worn his heart on his sleeve. The entire crew knew his feelings for her ran far deeper than a first officer for his CO, deeper than a man for his best friend. But once upon the ship, Kathryn and firmly hid behind protocols and regulations, citing the inappropriateness of a captain becoming involved with any member of her crew. Especially when they were so far away from home. Especially when there was not option of transfers if a relationship went wrong. And Chakotay had respected her barriers, burying his feelings for her. He needed her friendship too much to risk jeopardizing it by declaring his feelings for her. So, over the years, he had let the stronger feelings subside, content to be solely her friend because that was what she required. Hearing the term of endearment brought all his old memories back. Kathryn, taking care of the tomatoes on New Earth, looking relaxed in her civilian clothing as the sun reflected beautifully on her auburn hair. Kathryn, determined, as she made a pact with the Borg, despite all his warnings, and as much as he disagreed with her decision, as much as he argued, he loved seeing her unfailing resolve, the resolve that let the entire crew know she would get them home someday. Kathryn, flirting with Kashyk even as the man was plotting against Voyager, and his jealousy as he saw the fire in her eyes, eyes that shone with a love that should have been directed at him. Hearing her call him love, it shocked him, but it sounded right somehow. And dare he hope that she would finally be willing to relax her parameters.
Kathryn, however, was shocked by her careless slip again. Dear was bad enough. Love. She wasn't supposed to love him. She was his commanding officer, yet she couldn't help but notice the love that filled his eyes as she said that. And then she remembered why they weren't in a relationship. A hologram, brief stints with aliens. That was all the romance she could allow herself to have. Anything else would distract her from her goal of getting her crew home. Needing to avert his line of questioning, she hastened to explain, "It's nothing. I didn't mean it. I'm just confused by all the fan fictions, that's all."
The moment the words were out of her mouth, Kathryn regretted them. She wasn't supposed to reveal so much to him. "Fanfictions?" Chakotay asked questioningly, and then looking at the old computer on her desk, Chakotay immediately realized, "Something on the 21st century computer." It wasn't a guess. He knew it for fact.
"They contain information on alternative realities, and I couldn't stop myself from reading them." Suddenly realizing she had revealed too much information, Kathryn immediately added, "But it is nothing. I am going to have the device destroyed to keep our timeline from being destroyed. In the mean time, I need time to sort out my memories from what I read. That is all."
It would be too easy, Kathryn knew, for Chakotay to drop the subject then and there. His answer did not disappoint. "So in alternative realities we were...are," he paused, unsure of which tense to use, "were in love?" Hopeful. That was the only way she could describe his expression. Hopeful.
"I never said that," Kathryn replied. Though, from the understanding that seemed to dawn in his face, she knew he knew the answer to his question. Yes, in some stories they were involved, not that she could ever say that out loud, especially not to him.
"But we were, weren't we." It was phrased as a question, though Kathryn knew from his assured tone of voice that he knew, knew without a doubt that in some stories, they were lovers.
"Yes," Kathryn breathed out quietly.
"You're in love with me." The simplicity of his statement took Kathryn by surprise. He didn't ask. He knew, and she couldn't bring herself to lie to him and deny his statement. Instead, she merely nodded confirmation. "You know how I feel about you, Kathryn, so why did you never-"
"No, I don't," Kathryn cut him off. "I don't know how you feel."
"Isn't it obvious," Chakotay told her, his gaze sincere.
"No," Kathryn shook her head. "It isn't. You've told me legends, but you've never told me the truth."
Chakotay stepped back. How could she go all this time without realizing how he felt? Summoning his courage, he stepped back towards her, both his hands coming up to rest on her upper arms to hold her in place. Looking into her eyes, he said slowly, "I love you."
Kathryn turned her head and stepped back, no longer able to meet his gaze, no longer able to deal with his close proximity without giving into her feelings. "We can't, Chakotay, not while I'm captain of this ship, and a romantic engagement could jeopardize that. I can't take that risk."
"But if our alternatives could make this work, then we can too," Chakotay argued, not wanting to loose her so soon after learning of her true feelings.
Kathryn blinked back tears. "They did. But I can't. Not here. Not now. I'm sorry, Chakotay." Her voice cracked, and before she knew it, she felt a tear roll down her cheek. She couldn't muster the energy to brush it away. "Please, I can't do this now."
She hoped he would pick up on her unsaid words and leave. She couldn't deal with the confrontation anymore. Not in this state of mind. Thankfully, Chakotay said nothing. Simply backed towards the door, leaving her alone as he knew she so desperately needed. It didn't matter that he was ecstatic at her admission or heartbroken at her rejection so soon after her confession, but he swore long ago that he would make her burdens lighter, and he would fulfill that promise. Right now, she needed to be alone to think, so he would let her be alone. And if she couldn't get past the protocols, he wouldn't push. The next move would be up to her, whether it would be to start a relationship like their counterparts, or to pretend it had never happened. The next move was up to her, and Chakotay sincerely hoped she would choose the former.
"Set a course for home, Mister Paris, warp seven," Kathryn commanded. After giving Tom a few moments to adjust the controls, she sat down in her chair as she said, "Engage."
Tom Paris skillfully manipulated the controls as the ship jumped to warp. Kathryn Janeway smiled. Their recent stop at a planet called Kalaris had been largely successful. Unlike most Delta Quadrant species they had encountered, the Kalarians were friendly, and they had negotiated for a supply of dilithium crystals that would last them for almost a year. Content with the recent shore leave and the new supplies, Kathryn Janeway was in a cheerful mood. In fact, she was in a cheerful mood whenever they encountered an alien species that wasn't hostile.
"According to Neelix, crew moral has improved as a result of our peaceful interactions with the Kalarians," Chakotay commented, more to start a conversation on the bridge than anything else.
Kathryn leaned over towards him and smiled. "Do you regret the lack of excitement?" she asked him. Tom Paris turned around at the captain's playful tone of voice. As far as she was leaning over, Tom noticed, it looked as though she was almost crawling into Chakotay's lap. He snickered at that. More to feed the betting pool with.
"Something amusing, Mister Paris?" Kathryn asked. Tom immediately stopped his laughing. If either of the command team found out about the betting pool he had going regarding their relationship, they would most likely put an end to it.
Instead of saying anything incriminating, he said, "Nothing. I'm just glad that we finally met a species that appeared friendly and didn't end up having ominous motives."
Everyone on the bridge, with the exception of Tuvok, laughed at that.
"Me too," Chakotay agreed. "And that there was no interference to prevent the use of transporters when we had to beam back aboard." Once more, the bridge crew nodded and laughed in agreement.
"And it's been some time since there was a spacial anomaly," Seven agreed from her console.
"We didn't need to use an old maquis tactic to save the day," Chakotay commented.
"You're one to talk, Chakotay," Kathryn said teasingly, "I was able to send you off the ship without another shuttle craft being destroyed." Chakotay frowned at her in mock indignation while the rest of the bridge crew laughed. Chakotay's number of shuttlecraft accidents was astounding, and Kathryn often let him know of her displeasure with that fact.
Still laughing from the captain's last comment, Harry Kim added, "I, for one, am glad I didn't have to tell you there was an unauthorized transport in progress, Captain." Kathryn smiled at that as Harry added, "And we weren't invaded."
"The holodeck didn't malfunction," Chakotay said.
"And our energy source this time didn't turn out to be a sentient creature," Tom chimed in jokingly.
At Tom's comment, Kathryn narrowed her eyes. In a mock serious voice, she said, "And you, Mister Paris, had the sense not to give some wise-crack witticism while the view screen is active."
Tom grinned sheepishly at the captain at that one. "Guilty, ma'am," he responded, knowing that he was prone to telling jokes that undoubtedly offended an alien culture.
When no one else said anything, Kathryn continued "None of my crew got kidnapped."
"And a surefire way home didn't get snatched away at the last moment," Harry Kim added, wistful at the thought of all the times they had come so close to getting home. Immediately, the mood on the bridge became somber at the thought of home, and how far away it still was.
The bridge was silent for a few moments, no one willing to say anything. At last, Tuvok spoke up. "I did not have to say 'shields down to fifteen percent'."
At that, the entire bridge crew except Tuvok laughed. "A joke, Mister Tuvok?" Kathryn said affectionately, knowing that the vulcan would deny her statement.
Just as expected, Tuvok replied, "Not at all, Captain. That was merely an observation. I did not intend to be humorous."
"You don't need to act all high and Vulcan around us," Tom said with mirth, "just admit it, Tuvok, you do have a sense of humor."
Before the Vulcan had a chance to reply, the ship suddenly shook. Abruptly, Kathryn stood up and commanded, "What was that?"
"Some sort of electromagnetic radiation on the starboard side," Tuvok reported. "We are dropping out of warp."
"Janeway to engineering. What's going on down there?"
"I'm not sure yet, Captain," B'Elanna responded over the comm, "But something has interfered with our antimatter reaction."
"I want you to get the warp reactor back on line. Janeway out," Kathryn responded as she tapped her comm badge. "Seven, report to engineering." Turning her attention back to the bridge as Seven exited, she barked, "Status report."
"Damage reports coming in, Captain," Harry Kim replied. "We have damage to decks four, five, and six sections ten through twelve."
"Casualties?" Janeway asked.
"Five injured in sickbay, Captain," Harry answered.
"Long range sensors detect the radiation is being emitted from a pulsar one-hundred thousand kilometers from here," Tuvok informed the captain.
"Take us back to two-hundred thousand kilometers, Mister Paris," Kathryn ordered.
Tom focused intently on the controls. A few seconds later, he said, "I can't, Captain. There is some kind of graviometric field distortion pulling us in."
"Janeway to astrometrics. Report."
"Sensors are detecting a large concentration of graviton particles," Seven's voice answered over the comm link. "Attempting to find the source."
"Shields down to sixty percent, Captain," Tuvok said, "At the current rate, the entire ship will be exposed to the radiation in 17.24 minutes."
"Captain, I believe that a neutrino beam directed at the graviton particles will weaken them and allow us to move further away."
"Acknowledged," Kathryn responded. "Ensign Kim, prepare the neutrino beam."
"Ready, captain," Harry said after a few moments.
"Do it," Kathryn commanded. Harry pressed a button on his console, and the beam was emitted.
"Can you move us away, Mister Paris?" Kathryn asked.
"Negative, Captain."
"Ensign Kim, switch to an antineutrino beam," Chakotay instructed.
"Acknowledged."
"Seven of Nine to the bridge."
"Go ahead."
"Graviton particle concentration is decreasing."
"Get us out of here, Mister Paris."
"Captain, shields are down to fifteen percent."
"Acknowledged."
Slowly, Voyager moved backwards. The ship jarred as Tom tried to move it away. One particularly large jolt sent Kathryn flying backwards, her head crashing into the console she shared with Chakotay. "Full thrusters, Mister Paris," Chakotay instructed as he knelt by Kathryn, tricorder out and already scanning her for serious damage, "Get us out of here."
"Captain, we are out of the graviometric field," Tom announced moments later after the jolting stopped. When the captain failed to respond, Tom turned around, "Captain?" he asked, seeing Janeway lying on the floor, blood dripping from her forehead as Chakotay scanned her.
Chakotay, now that the ship was out of imminent danger, said, "Tuvok, you have the bridge. Start overseeing repairs." Tapping his comm badge, he said, "Chakotay to transporter room two, beam the captain and I directly to sickbay. Chakotay out." Just as he tapped his comm badge, he felt the familiar tingle of his particles being pulled apart and reorganized as he was beamed to sickbay.
"Commander," the EMH said the moment Chakotay rematerialized with the Captain. The doctor immediately approached as he instructed Chakotay to place her on the biobed. Chakotay set her down and reluctantly backed away as the doctor took over. Running the medical tricorder over her, he held out his hand as he instructed, "Two cc's of epinephrine."
Chakotay picked up a hypospray, but realized he had no idea what he was doing. He handed it to the doctor, who rolled his eyes as he adjusted the hypospray before pressing it to the captain's neck. The hypospray let out a light hiss, and Chakotay watched anxiously, hoping it would revive her.
While waiting for the medication to take effect, the doctor grabbed a dermal regenerator and worked on repairing the cut on the captain's head, along with the bruises she obtained from the fall. Just as he was finishing, Kathryn blinked, and squinted as her eyes adjusted to the harsh light. "Chakotay," she mumbled quietly.
Immediately, Chakotay rushed to her side. Lightly holding her left hand, he said soothingly, "I'm right here, Captain." She didn't respond, but she nodded and smiled up at him, her questioning expression asking what was wrong. Before she could ask aloud, Chakotay said, "You fell on the bridge and hit your head. The doctor was able to revive you."
The doctor suddenly stopped scanning the captain. Looking at Chakotay, he said, "Commander, I need to speak to the captain regarding her condition. If you would leave..."
Before he could finish his sentence, Kathryn cut him off. In her normal bossy tone, she said, "It's ok, doctor. My husband can hear whatever you have to say to me." When both the doctor and Chakotay stared at her in shock, she asked "What? Is something wrong?"
Not wanting to prolong her confusion, the doctor answered, "Indeed there is, Captain. My scans show that your injury caused you to sustain some damage to your memory engrams. I am afraid that, well, not all the memories you are experiencing are real." The doctor didn't know what else to say, and judging from Kathryn's shocked expression, she didn't know what to say either. Quietly, so as not to alert the other patients in sickbay to the captain's condition, the doctor added, "Commander, if I may speak with you." He gestured towards his office, and Chakotay immediately followed. Once they were alone, the doctor said, "Commander, I believe it will be best if we go along with the Captain's memories. She must remember events on her own. Any unnecessary shock could negatively impact her recovery."
Chakotay immediately caught onto what the doctor was suggesting. "You mean I need to pretend to be her husband." Inside, his heart started beating quicker. In some of his talks with his spirit guide, he had mentioned his dreams of marrying Kathryn, having a family with her, but he had long since acknowledged those dreams would never come true. The mere idea of Kathryn thinking they were married...he wanted it, but he knew it would be tough on him once she regained her memories and they would have to go back to being just the captain and the commander, especially after getting closer to her. He pushed those worries to the back of his head, already knowing he would do as the doctor asked. If it would help Kathryn recover, he would do it, even though it would cause him heartbreak later on. For her, he would do anything.
"Just until she starts to regain her memories," the doctor reassured him, incorrectly sensing the cause of his worries. With that being said, he left his office to return to the captain. As Kathryn tried to sit up, he gently placed a hand on her shoulder and pushed her back down. "It would be best if you rested," he informed her.
Kathryn glared at him. "Then I'll go rest in my quarters," she said as she made to sit up again.
"I'm sorry, captain, but you just suffered a head trauma. I need to keep you here for monitoring for the next twenty-four hours."
Kathryn groaned at that. She hated sickbay, and certainly didn't want to be confined them. Trying to convince the doctor to let her out, she said, "Then release me into Chakotay's care."
The doctor looked at her and considered her offer. Realizing if he kept her there she would wear herself out trying to escape, he finally relented. With a sigh of exasperation, hinting that he wasn't happy with her decision, the doctor agreed. "Very well. But you will wear a monitor that will alert me if your condition changes. And Chakotay, make sure she gets her rest. No strenuous activities, and that includes reading reports."
Kathryn glared at the doctor. Clearly, she had intended to leave sickbay and immediately start getting work done. Not wanting to jeopardize her chance of freedom, however, she merely nodded her head in agreement as Chakotay listened to the doctor's instructions. Minutes later, the doctor finished the last of his scans and attached a small monitor to the side of her head. Trying to stand up, she found her legs were shaky, and was relieved as Chakotay, sensing her difficulty, silently offered her his arm. She took it gratefully as she steadied herself, and the two began their slow walk from sickbay. Stepping onto the turbolift, Chakotay called out, "Deck three."
The doors swooshed shut, and Kathryn and Chakotay fell into silence once more. When the turbolift stopped, Chakotay led Kathryn out, and then paused. He had no idea which quarters she would decide to go to, so not wanting to cause her any confusion he allowed her to take the lead. She walked straight past his quarters towards hers and keyed in the code. As the door opened, he led her through into the familiar quarters. Before she could protest, Chakotay led her towards the couch and helped her sit. "You gave us a scare," Chakotay commented for lack of something better to say. Sitting next to her, he looked into her eyes. "Are you alright?" This time, he hoped she would be honest. After a head injury, she had be experiencing some negative effects.
Kathryn merely brushed off his concern. "I'm fine, Chakotay. Now would you get me the PADD that's on my nightstand?"
Chakotay frowned. "The doctor said you weren't to read reports."
Kathryn frowned back at him. "I know. But I need to have something to do. Please Chakotay." This time, he detected a trace of begging in her voice. Just as he was about to get up to get the pad, she yawned.
"Or perhaps you are tired and need to get some sleep," he said dryly. Before she had a chance to protest, he swept her up into his arms, his right hand holding up her back while his left supported her by the crook of her knees.
"Put me down," Kathryn exclaimed as her arms instinctively came up around his neck. Chakotay ignored her and walked towards the bedroom, gently settling her on the bed. With the feel of the soft mattress beneath her, Kathryn sighed in contentment and yawned again. "Stay with me," she mumbled tiredly as she crawled beneath the covers and gestured for him to join her.
Chakotay froze in shock. He didn't know what to do. Certain parts of his body begged him to give in a lie next to her, but his brain warned him against it. There were a million reasons why he shouldn't sleep with Kathryn Janeway. Trying to remain calm, his brain reminded him that it was perfectly normal for married people to share the same bed, expected even, and he knew that Kathryn, in her deluded state of mind, would expect it of him. Yet he didn't know if he could be that close to her, so close to his dreams. But, upon seeing her tired, pleading gaze, he relented. Taking off his shoes and jacket, he slipped into the bed beside her. Immediately, Kathryn rolled over so her back was pressed against his front. Without thinking, Chakotay placed a protective arm over her waist and pulled her closer towards him. Kathryn nestled into his embrace, and moments later, she was asleep. Chakotay remained frozen. Her warmth felt wonderful pressed so closely to him, and a traitorous part of his body responded to her proximity. He tried to quell his excitement. She was injured, her memories altered, and he knew he shouldn't be enjoying this. He should be thinking of ways to help her recover faster, not letting his lecherous thoughts for the woman beside him take over.
Married. Right, that's why he was in this predicament. She thought they were married. Suddenly, another idea occurred to him. If they were married and sharing her quarters, then she would expect his stuff to be there when she woke up. As quietly and unobtrusively as he could, Chakotay disengaged himself from her and snuck out of the bed. Tiptoeing out of the room so as not to wake her, he quickly returned to his quarters. He gathered his medicine bundle, toothbrush, and some clothes before heading back to her quarters. He set his toothbrush next to hers in the bathroom, and felt a pang inside. If only the change could be permanent. Seeing the two toothbrushes together... No, he couldn't let his mind go there.
Moving on, he put his medicine bundle in a drawer of the nightstand, and then moved to the dresser. He opened the top drawer, and had to resist the urge to close it again. He felt like he was invading her space, that he was snooping into something he shouldn't be. Opening the top drawer again, he took a deep breath as he regarded the undergarments there. It felt too personal, seeing the lingerie that was not Starfleet issue. Brushing it to the side, he put his boxers next to her lacy undergarments, a blush starting to form on his tan cheeks. No, he certainly shouldn't be looking at that.
Moving down to the next drawer, he found her neatly pressed and folded uniforms, and let out a breath of relief as he put his uniform next to hers. This, at least, didn't feel like as big of an intrusion into her privacy. Finally, only one drawer was left, that for off-duty clothes. Opening it, he stared in amazement at the sheer number of civilian clothes the captain seemed to own. It was completely unexpected, considering how rarely he saw her out of uniform. Pushing those thoughts aside, he made room for his off-duty clothes and put them in. Shutting the drawer, he then moved onto the closet. Gathering his abandoned boots from the floor, he opened the closet door. Once more, he was astounded by the magnitude of civilian clothing there, mainly dresses, as he set his boots on the floor next to her shoes. Her shoe collection, like her dresses, impressed him. He knew, of course, that she always wore heels to make her short stature slightly taller in a futile attempt to give herself a more imposing stance. He chuckled. Even with heels, all her senior officers still towered over her, but for those who knew Kathryn Janeway, her personality was intimidating enough that she was still ferocious despite her diminutive height. But still, how many pairs of heels could a woman own? Let alone a woman like Kathryn Janeway who spent more time as a firm commanding officer rather than the softer woman behind the hard, Starfleet born and bred shell.
Finally done putting the last of his things away, and not a moment too soon, he heard Kathryn call out. "Chakotay," she said once. When he didn't respond, she called out again, a trace of fear appearing in her voice, "Chakotay."
"I'm here," Chakotay responded softly as he walked towards the bed, seeing a relieved expression on her face. "I'm here," he reassured her, watching as she calmed down with his presence.
"Join me," she commanded, sounding more like the captain he was accustomed to.
Unable to resist, he teased, "Yes ma'am," knowing how much she detested being addressed as such.
Kathryn, however, just laughed. As he sat next to her, she sat up too, placing a hand on his cheek. Drawing herself closer, her lips angled up towards his, and out of respect for their long defined parameters, Chakotay instinctively turned his face sideways so she ended up kissing his cheek. Pulling away, Kathryn frowned. Looking slightly hurt, she asked "What's wrong?"
"Nothing," Chakotay responded instantly. Of course she would want to kiss him, his mind reminded him. If she thought they were married, then it would be perfectly normal. But still, he wasn't used to the lack of boundaries, and as much as he loved seeing the woman before him, and not just the captain, it was unnerving. Kathryn used his confusion as an opportunity to run her hand down the his front, coming to a rest just above his stomach. "Not now, Kathryn," Chakotay said, batting her hand away as it descended towards uncharted and dangerous territory. Noticing the hurt on her face, Chakotay added, "Doctor's orders, remember."
Kathryn looked downcast for a moment, but then her face lit up again. "What the doctor doesn't know won't hurt him," she said cajolingly as she went to move her hand back in place. Chakotay stopped her once more, but her close proximity was getting to him. Already, he felt his arousal starting to make itself known.
When Kathryn realized he was serious, she allowed herself to relax, and after feeling Chakotay relax beside her, she lunged, pushing him down and straddling him to keep him in place, pinning his wrists to either side of him. Chakotay, taken by the surprise of the attack, looked up at her in shock. He was stronger than her, strong enough that her attack only worked because he was unprepared. Pouting, Kathryn said, "Chakotay." Her voice caressed his name and he felt his blood rush downwards. It didn't help that Kathryn wriggled uncomfortably above him. Before he could stop himself, he moaned her name, and Kathryn grinned like the cheshire cat at the effect she was having on him.
With an all-knowing grin, Kathryn lowered her face so that Chakotay felt her breath on his lips. His breath caught, and Kathryn took that moment to close the distance between them. Her lips softly brushed against his, but just as soon as the kiss started, Chakotay turned his face away. No matter how much his body wanted her, he knew she wasn't in her right state of mind, and he couldn't take advantage of her.
Shocked, Kathryn rolled off him and looked with concern into his eyes. "Now I know something's wrong. Spill."
Chakotay wasn't sure how to respond. Inwardly, he cursed himself. He should be enjoying her affection. God knows how long he'd longed for her to kiss him, but he didn't want her like this, not when she had no idea what she was doing. Just as he was about to apologize to her, Kathryn murmured, "We aren't really married, are we?" Chakotay nodded his head in affirmation. "So what I remember of our marriage, it's all false? It never happened?" Once again silent confirmation. "We aren't even lovers." This time, it wasn't a question. She was stating a fact.
Not sure how to respond, Chakotay said quietly, "I'll take the couch. Tell me if you need something."
He started to roll towards the side of the bed when he felt Kathryn's hand grasp his wrist. "Don't go," she ordered, a tremor of fear in her voice. Chakotay turned to face her. He had heard her angry, determined, but unsure and fearful? No. That wasn't like the Kathryn Janeway he knew. "You already moved your stuff here," Kathryn added, sensing his reluctance.
Almost bashfully, Chakotay asked, "How did you know." When she didn't reply, he said, "You were awake the whole time."
"Guilty," Kathryn confirmed with a small laugh. "Please, stay with me." Before Chakotay could protest, she put her fingers over his lips to stop him talking. "I know this makes you uncomfortable, but its a lot for me to take in right now."
"I know," Chakotay said gently, grasping her hand in his as he studied her face. "I'll stay," he said after another moment, and was glad to see relief spread across her face...
Chakotay looked up from the screen in shock. If all the stories were like that, then it was no wonder Kathryn was experiencing some confusion. Unable to stop himself, however, he clicked on another story.
"I'm pregnant," Kathryn said bluntly as she stared into Chakotay's calm face. She watched as it remained calm for a moment before what she said set in. Shock and confusion spread across his features.
"What? How? When?" he asked in rapid succession
Kathryn laughed at his reaction. Endearingly, she said, "I just told you what. I know you know how. And as for when, during our time on New Earth."
"Two months," Chakotay finally managed to spit out when her words registered. "You've been pregnant for two months."
"Yes," Kathryn said patiently. His reaction was no less shocked then her own had been.
"But with our boosters, how could this happen?" Chakotay asked.
"According to the doctor, the same thing in the atmosphere that protected us from the disease also rendered our boosters useless."
"We're going to be parents," Chakotay smiled happily. Unable to stop himself, he grabbed Kathryn in a hug and spun her around. "We're going to be parents."
"We are," Kathryn laughed. "Do you want to know something?"
"What?"
"I'm glad we got stranded on New Earth. Otherwise we never would have acknowledged our love for each other, and we wouldn't be having him in seven months." With her last statement, Kathryn placed her hand on her still flat stomach.
"Him?" Chakotay asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Or her," Kathryn amended. "I didn't want to know the gender until the baby is born. That is, unless you want to..."
"No," Chakotay cut her off. "I'm willing to wait until the baby is born too."
The couple lapsed into a comfortable silence for a few moments before Chakotay broke it by voicing what they were both feeling, "how the hell are we supposed to have time to be parents while commanding a starship?"
Well, that was certainly different, Chakotay thought as he moved onto the next story.
"Seven and I agreed to stop seeing each other. We both realized that while we might have fallen in love in the Admiral's timeline, now we're back on Earth we both have different priorities. She wants to discover her humanity and get involved in her work, and I want to settle down and have a family. I know this is a lot for you to take in, Kathryn, but now that we're home and freed of the command structure, I want you to know that although I tried to move on, I never stopped loving you. Please tell me you still have feelings for me."
Before he could stop himself, Chakotay was onto the next story.
Tom Paris turned to his friend, Harry Kim. Jokingly, he said, "He may as well have 'Property of Kathryn Janeway' tattooed on his forehead."
And the next.
"There's a betting pool going on about our relationship!" an incensed Kathryn Janeway exclaimed as Chakotay chuckled.
"Captain, why does the crew call Chakotay the 'Captain's lapdog.' He is not a canine," Seven asked an astounded and slightly infuriated Captain Janeway as her fists clenched, destroying the shape of clay that was slowly taking shape.
"I suggest you refrain from any...er...strenuous activity until the commander is fully healed," the doctor admonished the captain as he sent her and Chakotay from sickbay.
"Dont worry, Kathy, I'll return you to your ship once you help me save the continuum. Though, I don't understand why you want Chuckles back when you could have an omnipotent Q instead," Q said arrogantly despite Kathryn's frustrated glare.
"I really shouldn't be telling you this," the young girl said as Kathryn glared at her with a look that said 'to hell with the temporal prime directive.' "But you should know, I'm your daughter. Yours and Chakotay's."
"I replicated some coffee for you. I figured with the rough day you've been having you'd need some right about now, love," Chakotay placed a steaming mug of coffee on Kathryn's desk as his wife smiled affectionately up at him. Chakotay grinned at Kathryn as her features relaxed and she let out a small moan of contentment as the hot liquid chorused through her body.
"We're trapped in a turbolift for an indefinite amount of time. I know something we could do to occupy ourselves," Kathryn said seductively as she kissed the man beside her.
"Michael Sullivan is just photons and force fields..."
"Seven and I aren't..."
"Kashyk... He just isn't you..."
"What about Jaffen..."
"Seska's dead..."
"What it all comes down to..."
"It's simple..."
"Tell me Kathryn..."
"What about the Angry Warrior..."
"And the woman warrior..."
"He promised to make her burden lighter..."
"Is that really an ancient legend?"
"No...but that made it easier to say."
"I love you, Kathryn."
"I love you too, Chakotay."
Mind reeling, Chakotay stood up and walked away from the computer. Thousands of situations running through his mind. So many different things, and yet none of them were real. He sat down, not knowing what to do. No wonder Kathryn was confused. He was confused too. But the ball was in her court, so so speak. His feelings were in the open and now hers were too. Ultimately, she would decide the course of their future together. Whatever their decision, he knew he would support her, just like he promised all those years ago. To stand by her side, to make her burdens lighter, and if she decided their relationship could never go beyond that of friends, he would abide by it. It was she, after all, who gave him peace. She was the one who called all the shots. He only hoped that now, given the advantage of hindsight, she wouldn't push him away.
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