I DO NOT OWN HITSUGI AND YUTAKA! They belong to themselves and their parents.

The following fic has NOT been Beta'd. I apologise.

After standing on the porch for 3 minutes and gaining no reply, I had thrust my hand into my pocket for my key. Hitsugi had given it to me for 'emergencies'; his example being his tele falling on him. Shockingly, this has happened twice to him. Once before I knew him, the second time last year…
I forced the key in the fussy lock, jiggling it around as I twisted it. I really hate this lock- half the time it won't fucking open! I felt a wave of pride at the sound of the door unlocking. I happily let myself into the guitarist's house, locking the door behind me but not taking a single note on my surroundings. Hitsugi's front door leads straight into his main living room. The walls are plain white, decorated with frames photos (mostly of his cats) and cluttered shelves, with brown wooden edging and doors. The ceiling has been yellowing in colour ever since I first came here; obviously from excessive cigarette smoking indoors. It's not messy a room and nor is the rest of the house but it is quite busy. Our friend Ruki, more Hitsugi's than mine, isn't very keen on coming round here. He immediately labels it as an absolute state. On the other hand, Ruki's house is spotless and uncluttered. It's almost empty…

When I finally looked up to acknowledge the room, my eyes immediately fell on Hitsugi; Still, but awake, on the red carpet, his eyes almost vacant.

"Hitsu-sempai?" I muttered out weakly as I stared in alarm. "Dude-" I quickly made my way over to his body, scrambling over to him on my hands and knees like a scared puppy "What are you doing- Are you okay?" I did my best to sound calm as I stared down at the guitarist, but all failed when I squeaked in mid-sentence.

Hitsugi blinked, his misery-filled eyes slowly moving to look up at me, just for a second. Those brown orbs that I was so used to seeing glitter with glee and optimism seemed so foreign to me at that moment. I had sworn to myself that I had secretly stared into those eyes so much that I could recognise Hitsugi with just a glance at them alone. If I were to see these eyes, I would have sworn they belonged to another. Hitsugi's gaze dropped back to his carpet.

"Talk to me" I sounded desperate as I poked his shoulder.

"Notice something's missing…?" he murmured in a croaky voice, as foreign as his eyes. He raised his hand in front of my face.

I was confused for a second before I noticed the white band line round one of his fingers where it had been once firmly embraced by something significant.

"You lost Midori's promise ring?" I muttered back, unsure if I was right.

Midori; 5 ft 3 with a pretty figure and shoulder length dyed-red hair who had be known for so long as 'Hitsugi's fiancée'. She was so sweet and motherly, bossy but kind; a lover of everything and everyone. She was the person Hitsugi loved the most in this world.

"She hates me…" he whispered weakly, his hand dropping back to the floor with a loud thump "She's gone" I noticed a speck of liquid run from his eye.

In attempt to hide the fact that his emotions were raining through, Hitsugi brought his knees to his chest and his head as he curled up like a dying insect, hiding his face.

Midori used to be Hitsugi's hairstylist. The two had got on quite well right from the start and apparently from Ruka, they had become close very quickly. Even so, it took 3 years before anything actually became of it. Hitsugi loved her until it was unbearable for him. Songs about her littered his desk and most of the arrangements he made had her in the centre or in consideration. He cared so much about her and until this moment we'd all believed she felt the same. He was her 'nekoko', her 'rock star baby', her one-day husband behind closed doors. He was simply her's. Now he was nothing to her.

"What happened?" I asked, pulling a hand away from his face to see his watering eyes.

"She came over yesterday night…" he swallowed "She said I was never around. She said I was still a child" he growled through gritted teeth, his eye brows narrowing, his misery replaced with anger "She said she doesn't want a boy, she wants a man." He uncurled himself, quickly sitting up to look me straight in the eyes in an angry glare; a stare that I knew wasn't for me, but for a woman who had damaged his heart "She said I couldn't provide for her" he spat "That I don't care about her enough- and I argued that I did, but fuck no! She wouldn't have it."

He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand "She said she'd been considering leaving me for months." He hissed through his tears "She said she wouldn't ask me to change because it's pointless, she knows I won't. I never have changed." Hitsugi exhaled shakily.

I swallowed before putting on the bravest face I could muster up.

"Hey…" he smiled reassuringly "It's okay. So she wasn't the one? There are so many other people in this world! You know the saying about the fish and shit" it was so cliché, the normal thing to say, but it was true wasn't it? Though I knew saying it meant nothing to Hitsugi. I wasn't expecting him to suddenly smile with a happy 'oh yeah!' and then skip about.

Hitsugi didn't reply, instead the older man stared at me sadly.

"Come on Hitsu-san. Smile for me" I grinned awkwardly.

"I can't. It's too painful to smile." My friend's head sank to the floor, his fringe creating a blonde curtain in front of his eyes.

"Come on, Hitsu" I playfully punched his arm "It's okay. You know that, right? I mean… There are so many people who would happily fill Midori's place! Think of those fans who declare their love for you" A glimpse of hope shone through as Hitsugi's rose again "So many of these would jump to be with you-"

"They love the idea of me. They don't love me!" he sighed irritably "Not like Midori… Though I doubt she ever really did"

"Hitsu-"

"Well, maybe she did. But that was a long, long, long time ago…" With another sigh, the blonde man pulled himself in to a new sitting position, legs crossed.

With his elbow balancing on his knee, Hitsugi leaned his head into the palm of his hand, gazing at me once again. I really wished he wasn't one of those people who liked being close with people. Eye contact seemed very important to him. It's all about connections with Hitsugi. He loves connection, things that links and ties people and things together. A loss of a connection in his life, even something so tiny, affected him greatly.

"You know what?" his eyes bore into me "I don't think she's loved me for a long time. I think she was just…" his eyes finally moved away from me in thought, causing me to release a breath I didn't know I'd been holding "Confused maybe? Scared? Maybe she just wanted to show off. 'oh look! My boyfriend is a guitarist in a band!' 'Oh yeah, my boyfriend knows this person!' 'My boyfriend has been on that show!' 'My boyfriend has played at that stadium-"

"You can't really think that" I interrupted in disgust at his conclusion "Maybe she just had a point? You don't want to get married really did you?"

"No, not yet, but-"

"Well, lots of women prefer to be married before they reach 30. She's 29, right? And clearly she isn't going to get what she wants from you-"

"I gave her everything-!" he yelled, getting to his feet quickly and standing over me in an almost threatening manner.

"Accept the things she really wanted!" I growled at him, shooting to my feet and standing so close to him our noses almost touched.

"How would you know-"

"It's obvious!" I shouted into his face at my body raged with his blindness to the girl he announced to be in love with.

"She wants to get married and settle down. I caught you two shopping not too long ago, didn't I?"

Hitsugi nodded, looking unsure of where I was taking my explanation.

"What shop were you in?"

"Clothes shop" he answered quickly.

"What area was Midori looking round?"

"Women's"

"After that!"

Hitsugi paused, biting his lip. "I can't remember"

"The children's section. The baby clothes to be precise" I reminded him in a calm voice "You can't blame her for wanting that. You just have to look at how she acts and treats people to know it's also natural for her."

I wasn't sure if my friend was listening. His brown eyes were on the floor, his face thoughtful but sad. His body was lightly swaying where he stood, still so close to me that I could feel his body heat.

"You don't want that life, do you?" I repeated, sounding more forceful than I had meant "So maybe it's for the best'

"You really think she wanted all that?" he whispered, his eyes on mine again.

I swallowed "Yeah"

"I'd do it if it would make her happy"

I shuffled awkwardly under his gaze "I don't think that's the kind of thing you should do for someone else… That should be for you and the other person, you know?"

Hitsugi blinked "I want whatever she wants-"

"WHY THE HELL ARE YOU BEING SO DIFFICULT!" I yelled, pushing him hard in the chest "You won't let anyone fucking help you, will you?! You're actually really an asshole!"

"FUCK YOU YUTA-"

"EVER THOUGHT THAT MAYBE SHE DIDN'T BELONG WITH YOU?! You've heard all that romantic shit- 'if you really love them you'll them go?!"

"Well maybe I can't!" Hitsugi yelled back in rage.

My words stuck in my throat as a tear rolled down his cheek. He breath became shaky as he collapsed on his sofa, not a glint of hope in his eyes.

"I can't…" he whispered "I can't be alone, Yu…" he looked up at me like a lost child "I don't want to be alone. I'm not good with relationships" he swallowed "I love Midori but that's not the only reason I don't want to loose her" he ran his fingers through his hair "God, I sound so lame but… Yu I'm not good with girls…"

I gently sat down next to him as I spoke a different tone, a kind tone, of voice "Sure you are. You're great with people"

"I can't talk to people but I can't get anyone to really like me"

"I like you" I felt my cheeks burn as I realised the enthusiasm in my argument "You're band mates like you. Aoi likes you, Hyde likes you-"

"Not like that!" Hitsugi spat irritably "I mean… I mean… eugh, I mean, like, I mean love! In a couple-y way. No one can looks past everything. I'm too damaged and strange looking for anyone to see me as a nice enough guy to be with… As more than friends."

I shuffled, settling into the sofa more for comfort as I prepared myself to finally speak. My head felt heavy, and yet my whole body felt light as I worked up my courage to say my thoughts allowed.

"I know… Someone who'd want to be more than friends" I muttered, trying to keep my voice stable.

Hitsugi's eyes shot to me excitedly "Who?"

"Guess" was the first thing that came to my head.

The guitarist thought "Wait, boy or girl"

"B-boy" I flinched at my stutter. If he noticed, would it blow my cover?

"… I don't know? Shou?"

"Shou!" I spluttered. Why Shou? Why would he first thing of Shou? Did he- "What makes you think Shou?"

Hitsugi shrugged "I remember Yomi saying Shou likes guys more than girls."

"Is that all?"

"Well, yeah…"

"Nothing else?"

"What do you mean?"

"Never mind…" I shook it off "Guess again"

"Can't I have another clue?"

"Fine"

"Do I see him on a regular basis? Like you guys at the bar and Nightmare?"

"Yeah…"

Hitsugi leaned back and thought again, chewing absent-mindedly on his lip ring. He frowned.

"I don't know anyone who would-"

I butted in "Would you mind if it's a guy?"

Hitsugi shrugged "Not really. Though I've only been with one guy… When I was 17 I think? Before the band started." Hitsugi giggled "One of the reasons we broke up was because he didn't like me wearing the make-up!"

I sniggered "What was wrong with your make-up?"

"Well I didn't see anything wrong with it!" He laughed "But… I don't know any guy mates who would fancy me" he smiled at me "Can't you just tell me? It might cheer me up…"

I gulped down my fear and spoke at last.

"Would you freak if I said it was me…"

My teeth grit as I saw Hitsugi freeze, his eyes wide. I felt my heart stop and my blood run cold. I couldn't look at him. I just sat there, waiting. Waiting for him to finally open his mouth a try to gentle reject me.

"you…" Hitsugi whisper.

With tight lips I nodded, slapping the top of my thighs "Yep…"

"You… Like me… In a… Way…?"

"Yep…" I got up "Right, I'll be… Heading off-"

"Why? I haven't commented yet!"

I turned round to look at him, doing my best to look serious.

"I like you…"

"Good" I smiled in relief. A thought clicked into my head as Hitsugi stood up. "Look Hitsu, as stupid as this sounds, I don't want to be you rebound or whatever, so-"

I was cut off as his lips were quickly, but ever so gently, pressed against my own. I kissed back, my arms limp by my side though his weaved round my waist. We slowly broke apart.

"We'll talk tomorrow." I mumbled, flicking my hair out my face, before slowly removing his arms from round my waist "Meet you at the bar. Usual time."

Hitsugi nodded with a delicate half smile. "Okay Yutaka"

I nodded back. I paused as I considered leaving. I stole a moment to peck a kiss on to the lips of the heart broken man.

"I hope you mean this, dude" I sniggered "Otherwise this friendship is fucked"

"Fucking up the friendship will be worth it. I promise"

I left, my body lightly shaking with adrenalin. Maybe everything will be okay. I just prayed Hitsugi would feel the same way in the morning.

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