The Digital Diary of Millicent Bodger - aged 393/4
Thurs January 2nd 2014
Another crappy New Year at the Bodger residence.
Dear Digital Diary, my name is Millicent Sharon Bodger, Millie to my friends. I am 39 3/4 and live in a pretty dull Somerset town called Wiveliscombe, with husband Matt, 44, a senior planning officer, and children Cassandra, 13yrs, and Meghan, 7yrs. We have 3 Guinea Pigs, Iggle, Piggle and Makapakka, who are also treated as part of the family, (sometimes better!). They rent a smallholding by the patio.
As you will be the recipient of the very innards (Yuk!) of all my thoughts, dreams and daily whinges, I think we should begin as friends. I will call you DD from now on, if that's OK with you. This daily (hopefully) account is going to be written on my new top-of-the-range laptop, a super fast and efficient machine given to me for Christmas, by my dear and innately practical husband, Matt. For the purpose of "getting myself organised"' he said, somewhat witheringly I thought. He does have a point.
Christmas wasn't exactly, well, 'Christmassy', this holiday season, thanks to me deciding it was all Bah Humbug, and that we were all going to just exchange home-made (very 'Now') vouchers for noble acts of kindness instead of cold hard cash parcels. The girls of course rebelled, and resisted successfully all attempts to get them to think up little things that they could do for each other, instead of the much coveted gifts brought by 'Santa/DHL'. "But I've got homework!" Cassie would say, one eye on the TV, one on her hallowed iPhone. 13 year olds are so multi-skilled these days. Meg, barely seven, just legged it away from me, every time I came near her with a writing pad, pen, or creative gleam in my eye. Matt, of course, ignored my ideas, as he usually does when I present him with the latest madcap scheme of mine. I suppose he knew the kids better than I did. He certainly knew me, (after 14 years together not surprisingly!) and was sure in the knowledge that one fine snowy day...I'd change my mind again, and give into the glorious commercial wind machine that is Christmas. It blows so wonderfully well, like the cold Winter wind, but less harsh, and softer on the nips. Anyway, result was a total flop on the 'Vouchers of Kindness' front, and a mad last-minute dash to the shops and online outlets to salvage any scraps of plastic/electronic pap that might be left at the eleventh hour. Cassie and Meg were thrilled with their highly expensive gains, and the hastily procured nylon Christmas tree pronounced "better than the smelly old real one anyway!". All is well in the Bodger household. Peace to all men women living beings.
Friday January 3rd
Woken up by bin men outside at 6:47am, bloody hell! Was just having highly erotic dream about Gerard Butler, he was showing me his horse, (not a euphemism) at his ranch in California. Don't think he has a ranch in California, or indeed a stable of horses. Must do a Google 'search' on this later. My new laptop is proving to be a Godsend!
Have heard Cassie talking to her friends about something called 'Twitter' – think I will have to take a look, It would be nice to be able to chat with her on it. Well, we don't really 'chat' at home now she's hit 'Poohberty' as I call it. I ask her questions and she sort of grunts, once for 'yes', and twice for 'no', I assume. It's hard to tell. We used to talk loads when she was little, make silly games up and giggle, paint and create stuff covered in glitter and ribbons. I was the "Best Mummy in the World" back then. I think I've been deposed.
Googled 'Twitter'. It seems a bit rule-y. You have to write each post using 140 characters or less. This isn't going to be the breeze I thought it would be – how can you ask a 13 year old if she ate all her vegetables at school in only 140 letters, including the spaces? WHY are they counting the spaces? I may 'tweet' the founder of Twitter to demand an explanation.
Have signed up to 'Twitter' now. Must get Cassie to take a nice photo of me for my 'profile pic' (I have a 'Profile', sounds quite impressive!). She's much more proficient than I am with the iPhone, her little fingers whizz over the screen scrolling and selecting apps like a 'boss'. See, I'm getting socially media-savvy already! A little self-congratulation never hurts at this time of year.
Saturday January 4th
Dear DD, hope this entry finds you well. I have a slight hangover after quaffing three bottles of the homemade apple cider Mrs. Greenaway from no. 14 gave us for Christmas. It was absolutely delish. Tried to share it with Matt, but he's very much a Jack Daniels man. He got a bit bristly with me because there was no more ice for his drink. How many ice cubes can one man consume? I swear I only filled the ice tray the day before New Year's Eve. The sooner we get one of those gigantic American fridges, with optional ice dispenser, the better! I wonder how much delivery is from the USA. Shall 'Google' this immediately – oh joy!
Delivery plus insurance comes to £268.00 pounds, not including price of actual fridge (£1899.00). Holy Ice Balls, Batman! I seriously need to get a job.
Checked my Twitter account. I have 2 followers already! One is a scantily clad woman from Estonia ( Adriana), and the other a man from the Wiveliscombe Young Conservatives. I wonder if he realises that I am a) sadly not so young, and b) happily not a Conservative? I don't think I'll tell him yet, it might be useful to be part of his apparently youthful and fervently politically active circle. I wonder if they have any part-time executive vacancies?
Now to get going on 'Facebook' — I've heard that it's chock full of movers and shakers. I certainly need some pointers if I'm going to get this job sorted.
It's about time, the girls are growing up fast...and I really want that fridge.
Sunday January 5th
Dear Diary, had epiphany in the night (is that even possible?) – I need to make some New Year's Resolutions!
I don't usually bother, as I can never seem to stick to anyof them past January the 10th. But this year, as I am coming up for the big 4-0, I feel that changes are in order. This rut I'm in 'ain't gonna fix itself' to quote my best friend Luna. She's very New Age and Spiritual. I'm not really, but I try to keep up with all her theories and life-affirming schemes, it's exhausting! She keeps trying to get me to camp out at Stonehenge with her, but until they install flushing toilets and a decent coffee shop, it just ain't happening, Sister!
Anyway, here's my List of Resolutions 2014 (NYR), so far:
Take online Degree course, in the Arts or Creative writing. I feel my intellect has been sadly neglected since childbirth.
Join a gym & get fit, tone up, and lose weight, (to wear first bikini for 10 years) for beach holiday in July (yay!).
Retire to bed earlier every night and be more 'organised' in every aspect of my life. (will create spreadsheet of daily activities/rotas in a highly efficient fashion).
Introduce brilliant USA tradition of 'Date Night' into the Bodger household. Feel like Matt and I are becoming akin to Uni flatmates, passing in the hallway after long days of drudgery & disappointment. Romance dwindling alarmingly.
Find stimulating new job. Must have understanding, flexible boss, who doesn't get all bent out of shape when kids ill, guinea pigs lost, or by general lateness & unpredictability of family life.
Purchase 'American style' Refrigerator (with optional ice dispenser).
Feel energised and ready for the day now. Looking forward to achieving something this year. Be nice for the girls to be able to boast about what Mummy does at school, like the other kids do! I've actually heard them say "Mummy just watches Jeremy Kyle and re-heats stuff".
Fair play, I do cook a lot of ready meals (who doesn't these days?), but watch the mesmerising merry-go-round of freaks that is 'The J.K. show'? Never! Well, almost never...
Monday January 6th
Today was a day of new beginnings for the Bodger family. The girls returned to school for the Spring term (a bit too willingly I thought!), Matt has a new assistant, Iona, starting in his office, and I started my new Facebook account.
So far I've found 3 old boyfriends (2 married, one paunchy and thinning on top), 7 old school classmates, my old French teacher Mrs Sales (can't believe she's still alive, she was at least 70 when I left!), and a few distant cousins that I'm not even sure are part of the family. Must ask Mum when she comes over in a few weeks. Brace yourself, Dear Digital Diary, the 'Royal' visit is indeed looming!
She normally holidays in Spain over the Christmas period, on an All-Inclusive '50s&up' luxury package tour with 'Saga' holidays, which means she always comes to visit after her return to grey, cloudy old England in January. Of course the girls are excited to see her, and even more so to see what 'Santa/Papa Noel' has brought them from exotic, faraway lands. Last year it was a beautiful Flamenco style baby doll from Barcelona for Meg, who sadly met her end quite quickly at the local swing park, when Meg got her little Spanish head caught in the railings. 'Ay Caramba!' were the only words that sprang to mind that day!
Cassie's gift from Gran was a T-shirt with the words '5 Seconds of Summer' emblazoned across her proud 13 yr old chest. Black of course, the colour of choice for any self-respecting angsty teenager this year.
Luna called at lunchtime. She's a Sports Therapist, recently divorced from Paolo, an Italian Vineyard owner. After 10 minutes of satisfying slagging off all men in general, and Italian men specifically, she told me she had a possible job for me. Her sister Ephelia, a Vet (in Huish Champflower, 2 miles from Wiveliscombe) needs a P/T Receptionist/Pet trouble shooter, to start as soon as possible! Ok, it's not the highly paid executive job in the City I've been fantasizing about, but it sounds like fun...and the money will come in very handy! I can see that fridge (with optional ice dispenser) standing proudly in my kitchen, very, very soon!
The interview's on Wednesday – eeeek! Must go through wardrobe & find something appropriate for admirable, organized, executive working mother.
Facebook friend requests accepted: 7
Twitter followers: 3
Things are progressing very well, very well indeed...
Tuesday January 7th
Am Dear Digital Diary, H...E...L...P...! Nothing fits! All those late night sessions with Masters Ben & Jerry have really taken their toll. Will have to make emergency pit-stop at High water 'Mall' after dropping off girls at school. Only problem is credit card cancelled after forgotten password incident during pre-Christmas online shop debacle! Will have to borrow Matt's from his secret wallet, in the secret drawer that I discovered in the bedroom last year. He won't be too mad, I am sure! After all, it IS for the greater good, ( and for the greater fridge).
Might treat myself to a well-earned Latte & choc croissant, now the girls are back at school, and my motherly duties are done. It's been a hectic two weeks!
I wonder if Lou is free for a quick coffee, plus shopping advice? She sometimes has a few hours in between clients. Mind you, she normally wears sports tops and jazz pants, so what does she know about the day to day clothing of executives?
Will ring her anyway.
Pm Lou was on her way to do some paperwork at the salon, but she was happily very easily persuaded to leave it for another day.
We spent an enjoyable hour people watching, and salivating over chocolate almond croissants. Spent ages pumping her about her sister, (well she is my prospective new boss!). Turns out she's a newly de-closeted lesbian, with a live-in girlfriend called Cerise, (surely not her real name?) Cerise is a 'mature' Art Student. She is 27. If that's what is known as mature these days, I must be positively Geriatric!
Operation 'Interview Clobber' was a success, managed to find a well-cut grey skirt with pinstripes, and an oyster pink blouse imprinted with with tiny blue grey swallows. It's baggy-ish so will hide the muffin overhang.
How did I get so FAT? Must dig out that Gym membership leaflet I stuffed in the recycling bin ages ago.
The interview is for 9:30 tomorrow. Wish me luck Dear Diary...
Facebook friends: 12
Twitter followers: 3!
Wednesday January 8th
Excellent news to report, I GOT THE JOB!
Well, I don't think there was a lot of competition actually, and Effie did seem very harassed. She probably just needs an executive type like me to organize her properly, and create a more efficient system in the surgery. I'll be doing every morning Monday to Friday, from 8:30 until 13:00, and the occasional evening/Saturday surgeries when Cerise can't help out. There did seem to be rather a crowd in the small waiting room as I was leaving – maybe there's been a sudden outbreak of Distemper or Foot & Mouth in the area! These are the only animal diseases I know of. I'd better swot up on my veterinary terms by next Monday!
Told Matt and the girls – they didn't seem as excited as I am. I'm disappointed in Matt...I thought he would be showering me with congratulations, and offering to book a table at my fave restaurant, 'Casa Nonna' to celebrate! Do I really know this man at all? I'm beginning to wonder...
Maybe they were wondering how I would carry on running the place, with a high-powered job in Domestic Husbandry. You know, all that stuff that just gets done magically by the 'Housework Fairies', plus all the cooking/washing/general dogsbody duties that seems to go on forever and ever, Amen!
The answer is - I won't!
There's going to be a few changes made in the Bodger household, now I am a busy working mother.
I think I'll put off telling them this until the weekend...
Facebook friends: 15
Twitter followers: still 3
Saturday January 11th
Dear Diary, I haven't had much time for you the last couple of days. The girls have been ill with Gastric Flu and when they weren't demanding lucozade refills or fresh 45oc hot water bottles, they were lolling around on the sofa dying of boredom, or arguing over whose turn it was to pick the next DVD. Not sure if I feel more like a 'Florence Nightingale' style angel of mercy, or a chuffing Zookeeper. My aching head & feet indicate the latter!
Of course as soon as the weekend came around, they were both right as rain! Meg appeared this morning at 06:45, bouncing on the bed with gusto, asking for pancakes with syrup because she is 'starving!'. Good Bodger health is resumed. Oh Joy! Had to dig out ye olde recipe book, of course have forgotten the ratio of eggs to flour again. Head like a sieve sometimes, probably brain reserving all capacities for Monday morning.
Starting to feel a tad nervous now, it's been a while since I held a position of responsibility. Still haven't had a chance to look up veterinary terms yet. I expect I can learn a lot 'on the job' though...really looking forward to flexing the old grey matter. Although come to think of it, my brain is probably more of a bloody shade of pink with silvery streaks of brilliancy coursing through. Uuurgh! Now I am feeling decidedly queasy.
Nothing to do with the 3 glasses of Pinot I had while watching 'Big Brother' earlier, of course!
I know, I know... it's trash TV, but it's so addictive once you start – and the interplay between 'housemates' is absolutely riveting at times. These TV execs really know what they're doing. I admire evil genius when I see it.
Of course Matt was out again. He belongs to the 'Taunton Mushroom Collectors society', and tonight they had a guest speaker at the community centre where they hold their 'Mush-meets' as I call them! (Now you see why I married him, dear Diary!) Afterwards there is the obligatory visit to the 'Bell and Whistle' for a pint or two, and a maybe a game of darts. He normally rolls in well after midnight, breathing heavily, and grabbing whatever part of me he can reach. All the while drunkenly professing his undying devotion, and admiration for all my 10 stone 3 pounds of womanly delights.
Sigh! There must be more to married life than this...
Facebook Friends: 21
Twitter followers: still 3 (Technical fault?)
Sunday January 12th
9pm
Just realised that tomorrow is the 13th. Is this a portent of first day disaster, or should I see the number 13 as an opportunity, and embrace it as a benevolent force, 'Open myself up to the power of the positive' as Luna says...quite often. I think I will try to look on the positive side, as it will benefit my first day at 'Princess and the Pawpers' Veterinary Surgery.
God, I feel a bit embarrassed having to answer the phone announcing the name they've chosen! Where did Effie get that name from? And could I persuade her to change it? Will add it to my 'to do' list. THAT's growing longer by the day! Wouldn't be so bad if I actually managed to DO anything from the 'To Do' list, really must stop procrastinating quite so much, and concentrate on getting my bad self organised, as per NYR list. Excuse me, while I just dig out and re-read said list...have totes forgotten what was at no. 1 already!
Anyway, had a perfectly lovely day today, we went up to the Brendan hills, for a bracing 3 hour walk. Of course Cassie moaned for the first half hour, about how boring it all was, and how totally uncool it was that there was a lack of Wi-Fi up there. I expect she was worried that she was missing out on the 'Teenvine' back home. Really, Cassandra? What can happen in just three hours in the boyband obsessed world of 13 yr olds? If '5SOS' split up while we were out, I don't think there's really a lot we can do to change their minds, even if we DID have an excellent Wi-Fi connection!
So, after the first 30 minutes of teenage whining, I think the girls actually began to enjoy their forced outing. We found an old bird's nest by some bushes, and Meg & Cassie spent ages packing it carefully in Matt's backpack to take home. They wrapped it up in the softest leaves they could find, and lay it carefully on green fronds gathered from the foot of a large gnarly evergreen. Matt's soft brown eyes met mine as we watched them in their happy fussings, and for a split second I felt as I did when we first fell in love, all sparkly and fizzing with anticipation inside. We really must go on that Date Night, and soon...
10pm
Got 'new job starts tomorrow' nerves...will have to open a bottle of Zinfandel for medicinal purposes, my tummy can't seem to stop revolving. Just one glass should do it! Don't want to have wierd head on first day...
Facebook friends: 22 Twitter followers: 5 (glass ceiling smashed through at last, Yay!)
Monday 13th January
Lots to learn today. Most urgently; set back-up alarms, possibly two, just in case electric alarm clock doesn't go off due to bloody electricity cut in middle of the night. Slight panic today, as we all overslept by 20 mins, on MY FIRST DAY at WORK! Aaaaaargh! (Muggy head from wine didn't help)
Made up for lost time by having swift flannel wash (bringing back old memories of staying at Gran's when I was 11, no hot water tank oooop North in those days!), and skimping on girl's breakfast. Found cereal bars of questionable age at back of biscuit cupboard, and threw a few at them, as we scrambled to fasten our shoes, locate coats, book bags etc...all amazingly done by usual leaving time of 08:05! Phew! First challenge of the day successfully completed!
Luckily, Cassie and Meg's schools are within a half mile of Kitts Lane. Normally we walk in the morning, gives me a chance to try out a bit of much needed 'Power Walking', not always possible because Meg quite often walks at a pace that would bore the pants off a snail. And Cassie's school is just a smidge further on. Of course, NOW I have been 'instructed' to leave her about 30 feet from the gates – it's evidently not 'cool' to be been seen with one's aging parent outside the school gates! Of course I understand her feelings, sometimes I feel the same about walking along with my OWN mother – and she's 63!
Anyway, today we took the car, needed to get to Princess & the Pawpers on time for my first day, at least!
Effie was in the back office when I ventured nervously through the grand oak entrance of the converted old Edwardian cottage. She jumped up, startled, when I appeared in the doorway. "Oh sh**, Mills, I completely forgot you were starting today!" she exclamed. She looked a little blank, probably overworked, poor girl. Wiping her trembling hands on her green Vet's tunic, she took my right hand and pumped it up and down over-enthusiatically. "Thank God you're here though! I'll show you where everything is, and then..." She waved feebly towards the waiting room, already occupied by a motley crew of small furry animals, plus their anxious looking owners. I spotted a handsome old Armoire in the small office facing the draughty large hall, with an even more antiquated looking computer sitting upon it. This was to be the 'Hub' of where it all happens, Effie explained, and I was to be the ever-patient, constantly serene Mistress of the Hub (plus general gofer & regular maker of strong coffee!) After hurriedly logging me on to the system, and showing me the hallowed Appointments book, she slunk back to her office, telling me to send the first patient through in seven minutes. I could hear a loud "Tut!" coming from the waiting room, but as it was situated to my left of the Reception, I had no clue as to the indentity of said 'Tutter'. Although I would have put money on it being the large blonde woman in the rose pink bouclé jacket, gripping onto a medium sized cat carrier. She looked like she had a string of High powered appointments to attend today, and she wasn't going to be fobbed off by me, or anyone else who got in her way!
"Er, who's first please?" I ventured, hoping fervently that Bouclé jacket was in pole position. I really didn't want a baptism of fire on my first day on the job.
It turns out that a thin-ish, softly spoken man with the name of Mr Cookson-Wright had that happy pleasure. I glanced at Bouclè jacket nervously, and although obviously simmering like a low-grade volcano, for now we were safe!
The rest of the morning passed very quickly, many coffees were brewed and drunk, and 23 clawed and furry little patients seen and treated. Hurrah!
All in all, I really enjoyed being back in the world of PAID work – and loved feeling part of it all as I tapped away on the computer, took telephone calls a plenty, and received actual "Thanks!", as animal patients and their relieved owners trickled away, to continue on with their lives slightly happier with their lot, at the resumed good health of their cherished pets.
Matt was yawning as I excitedly chattered on about the Surgery,and all my good works in it. "I'm glad you enjoyed it Mills" he said, "Just make sure that the girls don't suffer though". Stunned, I replied, "Of course they won't Matt, how could you even THINK that!". I was indeed mortally wounded Dear Diary, my balloon of excited joy now thoroughly pricked, spirally through the Ether burping and farting noisily in my mind.
We slept back to back tonight, a Winterly chill most definitely in the air...and it wasn't the January frost this time...
Facebook friends: Couldn't be bothered to check tonight.
Twitter followers: Ditto.
Tuesday January 14th
After asking me to pass the coffee pot in the kitchen this morning, we had no further discussion. Matt was engrossed in some papers he apparently had to read for work, and I was still fuming from his remarks and general lack of support from last night. Cassie needed some money for a school trip I had never heard about (letters go missing so easily in this house!) so it was a bit frantic searching for the right change for the upcoming excursion to a nearby Factory. Apparently teachers don't carry change anymore, & get a bit 'wild' (Cassie's words!) if you send the wrong money. She's lucky I'm sending it in English pounds, the old witch! Actually Miss Harbourne is probably a lot younger than me, but going by my old school experiences, they're all witches – even the men!
Going into the Surgery this morning was a welcome respite from the family, money grabbing, ungrateful lot that they are! Not sure if I am really cut out for family life, but it's a bit late to back out now, as my Mother would say! She's a big believer in making your bed, lying on it and shutting up about how crap it all is. I'm a big believer in wishing I'd never bloody even seen the bed, never mind making it, and moaning as much as I possibly can about it all...to anyone who will listen! I think I must be a great disappointment to her.
Anyway, today wasn't quite so busy, Effie got an urgent call-out to a local Dairy farm in Taunton, so sped off in the shabb at 9:45am. One of their cows was having trouble giving birth. The Farmer sounded really worried, poor cow! (Farmer was a woman). Must be a very hard job to do. I'll bet she has a very supportive husband though.
The rest of the morning I took phone calls, made appointments for the rest of the week, and attempted to start the filing, until Effie rang at 12 to say she wouldn't be back for at least another hour, so I might as well 'call it a day' and go home. I actually didn't feel like going 'home' Dear Diary, so I made myself a large cup of coffee, and just sat in the now empty waiting room...staring glassily out of the large bay window at the road outside. A small biplane was chugging it's noisy way across the grey skies, and I spent a few pleasant moments thinking about where it was headed, and which faraway lands I would travel to if I were on it.
Went to Shaws supermarket on the way home, resisted urge to buy large box of Maltesers as midriff now gaining advantage over waistband of new skirt. I swear it fit perfectly only last week! I think it's time for action!
Rang 'AbsInc' gym in Taunton to make urgent appointment for a consultation. Booked for Friday at 4pm. Yay! Another thing to tick off my NYR list.
Facebook friends: 24 (slow & respectable progress)
Twitter followers: 11 (Well, even the Pope Pontifex had to start somewhere!)