I sat on my couch. The space was silent minus the low murmurs coming from the television, which I wasn't giving much attention to. My thoughts focused solely on my best friend Phil. The man's cyan eyes, his soft black locks, his innocence, all my favorite things about him, ran through my mind. Then, my center of focus switched to my feelings for him. I thought about how I loved him and how I had been trying for so long to muster up enough courage to tell him.
Suddenly, I was pulled out of my thoughts by Phil walking in the door. It had obviously been raining as his hair and clothes were clinging to his body. "I'm wet," he complained, giving me a childish pouty face.
I couldn't help but smile at his expression. Phil's childlike mannerisms are one of the many reasons I developed feelings for him. It makes me want to take care of him. It makes me feel needed. "Allow me to help you with that." I jumped from my seat on the sofa and took off toward the bathroom; returning to him a minute later with a towel.
"Thanks Dan," he said as I wrapped the towel around his shoulders.
"Want me to get you dry pajamas?" I offered.
"All mine are dirty."
Once again, I left Phil, but this time I went to my room. I grabbed some track pants and a jumper and ran back out to him.
He gratefully accepted my clothing offering and put them on right where he was in the living room. To avoid staring at Phil as he changed, I sat on the couch facing away from the scene until he followed behind me and also took a seat.
"Thanks Dan. I really don't know what I'd do without you," Phil stated in a serious tone.
That's when I decided I was going to tell him how I felt about him. If I'm that important to him, it shouldn't ruin our friendship. "It's no big deal, Phil," I assured him.
"It really is though," he started before breaking for a sigh. "You do so much for me. You're always taking care of me. You're there for me when nobody else is. I honestly don't understand how you can always be doing so much for me and never complain." He gave me a sweet thankful smile.
'It's 'cause I love you!' I mentally screamed. I wanted to say it out loud, but in my head, I knew being that forward wasn't as good of an idea as it seemed to be in my heart. "That's what friends are for," I simply replied attempting to think of a way to tell the older man how I felt about him.
To keep Phil from noticing the nervousness that was beginning to creep up on me, I got up and walked away to the kitchen. "I'm getting tea. Do you want some?" I asked Phil, offering him a reason behind my sudden departure.
"Sure."
I put water in the kettle, and began pacing nervously while I waited for the water to heat. My mind ran across the number of possible outcomes that could result from my upcoming actions.
"Ow!" Phil shouted as I ran into him. "Someone needs to pay attention."
"Sorry. I was thinking," I explained, but immediately regretted it knowing Phil would ask what was on my mind.
"About what?" Phil chuckled. "Must be important if you are that lost in it."
"I," I paused not knowing what to say next. Suddenly I felt like I was going to vomit, my head started pounding, and my knees went weak. To keep myself from falling, I grabbed onto the wall and kept my focus on Phil. "It's nothing," I managed to stutter out.
"Dan, what's wrong?" Phil asked, concern filling his voice.
My mind went complete blank, and I couldn't figure out what to say, so instead of trying to talk I ran off to my room again. This time I locked to the door, slid to the floor against, and started making attempts to calm myself down. Considering I wouldn't be able to play that off as nothing, I came to the realization that I was now in a position where I had to tell him and I began panicking even more.
"Dan! Please talk to me," I heard Phil shouting through the door.
"Hold on a minute." I got up and forced myself to regain some of my composure. I opened the door slowly and said, "Hi."
"What was that?" Phil asked his voice a little higher than normal, with confusion distorting his face.
"Um, I need to tell you something."
"Well shoot already," Phil ushered. "After that, I really wanna know."
I just sighed and left my room without giving him any kind of reply. "It's not that easy Phil," I finally said after resuming my spot on the sofa.
He cocked his head to one side as if to ask me why. This childishness calmed my nerves slightly, but not enough for what I was trying to say to him.
"I'm scared," I said simply.
"You know you can tell me anything, right?" Phil said, trying to make me feel better.
I began to chew on my lip. I thought about my reply and what I could say to make him realize this could be a bad thing for me to say. "I know, but you might hate me for it," I informed him.
A nervous look spread across his face, causing my stress to raise a notch. "Phil," I said his name, but paused before finishing what I wanted to say.
"Dan, just tell me already. You're going to have to tell me eventually," Phil said, his voice slightly raised with annoyance toward my procrastination.
"I fucking love you! Shit!" I yelled. At that, I stormed away and into the bathroom. The headache and nausea from earlier came, but this time worse. Tears began to sting my eyes, and despite wanting to hold them back, I gave in to the inevitable, and let them fall.
"Dan, please open the door," Phil begged knocking at the door. "Are you crying? Please open up."
After some deliberation, I followed Phil's directions to open the door and face my consequences. To my surprise, Phil's arms wrapped around me as soon as he became visible to me. I thankfully accepted the hug and returned it tightly.
"You really shouldn't have been scared to tell me that," He said sweetly wiping the tears from my cheek with his thumb.
I leaned my face into his touch as it made me feel better, and asked, "Why?"
Phil pressed his lips to mine in response. Initial shock caused me to pull away, but quickly I kissed him back. My heart began to race and I felt like fireworks were going off all around us as our lips moved in perfect unison.
"Because I love you too, Dan."