Disclaimer: I own nothing.
How do you find it within yourself to love someone, when the last time you did turned you into a monster? That's an answer I've been asking myself for the past year and half now. Ever since the situation with Royce, I vowed I would never give my heart away again. I had loved him and he murdered me. I can still remember the taste of his mouth, the feel of his hands, and way his eyes lit up as he looked upon my naked body. I remember the blood and the laughter from him and his sick friends. But what I remember most was the want and need to die. I didn't want to be saved; I didn't want to remember what he had done to me.
They say that time heals all wounds.
They lied.
Finding Emmett helped a little bit. I remember how I refused to let him die, how that he reminded me of Vera child's. I just couldn't let him bleed out in the woods. Somehow I knew he was my soul mate. I ran with him in my arms for an ungodly length of miles. Carlisle couldn't save him, so he turned him. Those three days of hearing him screaming and yelling nearly killed me. I had waited anxiously for him to wake up. I had fantasized about falling in love again; I mean I was a girl. Then he woke up and when his eyes locked with mine reality came crashing down on me. And for the first time I showed them a glimpse of who I was; a scared little girl. I ran.
I'm not sure how far I got, but I ran so hard. I practically started hyperventilating in the woods. My brain was telling me I was being ridiculous, that all he did was smile and I should stop being so touchy. But my heart wasn't ready for that. The last time I opened myself up to someone, it killed me in the end; literally and figuratively. After hours of getting my nerves out of the way and slipping into my cold mask, I went back home.
Emmett was in the living room with the family and when his eyes met mine, they read those of hurt. I knew I had hurt his feelings for bolting. But I couldn't help it. I decided that I needed to be a little friendly though, to take the edge off. Staying on the opposite side of the room, I decided to introduce myself.
"Hello, I'm Rosalie. I didn't catch your name." I said coolly.
He simply stared at me and his eyes that had held hurt turned hard.
"Yeah, because you ran out the door before caring to find out." He said rudely.
Immediately my anger flared because he knew nothing of what was going on, and as if I would even tell him to begin with.
"I was hungry, and I didn't want to wait for them to give you the details of how your pathetic, miserable human life was over." I say through clenched teeth.
His eyes flared in hate and he took a threatening step forward. I wasn't until now that I noticed just how big he was. And how incredibly handsome, but I ruined that already.
"What the hell is your problem?" He said through clenched teeth.
"Right now, it's you and this conversation I'm currently wasting my time on." I said coldly before walking away towards the stairs.
"Rosalie," Edward called out and I stopped. "It doesn't have to be this way." He said quietly.
He was only trying to help, but when will they see I can't be helped or be saved. They should know by now I'm a hopeless case.
"Stay the hell out of my head Edward." I replied coldly before walking to my room.
After a few hours of laying on my bed just staring out the ceiling a knock came onto my door. The scent of Emmett permeated through the air. I could pick out his smell anywhere. I contemplated on whether to let him come in or not. God, it was just wrong how he was affecting me. After a few seconds I said come in. I heard the door open but I didn't dare look at him. I kept my eyes fixed on the ceiling above me.
"Look, I don't even," he faltered then paused for a second. "Why did you run?" He finished.
I stayed quiet for a moment. There was no way I could tell him why I really ran, but I hated that I hurt him.
"I didn't want," now I faltered. I paused and took an unnecessary breath. "I was the one that found you, and the one responsible for you being turned. I was afraid you might hate me for it." I finished quietly.
It wasn't a complete lie, actually it was true. I had feared he would wake up and blame me like I did Carlisle. I was desperately hoping he wouldn't. He didn't respond but I felt the bed shift under me and felt him lay down beside me.
"I could never hate you for what you did Rosalie, I was too young to go. I didn't want to die. I'm sorry I yelled at you." He said quietly.
"I'm sorry for being mean." I said simply turning my head to face him.
He smiled lightly and so did I. For a moment, I forgot all about Royce and had all my attention on this young man lying beside me. It felt nice to just lie there comfortably.
Months passed quickly and I knew he was falling in love with me. It was heartbreaking. I wanted to love him back, I really did; but I just couldn't get the feeling that Royce burned into my being out. Every time I began to feel good again, Royce was always there reminding me of the price I had once paid for feeling like this. So I would withdraw. Finally Emmett had enough and just told me he was in love with me. I'll never forget the look on his face when I said I didn't feel the same. His eyes died and my heart nearly shattered.
Finally a year went by and he still believed that I didn't love him. He settled for being my best friend. But when the day he asked me how I died came, I wasn't sure how to respond.
"Why do you want to know?" I asked cautiously.
"I don't know, it's just that I know everybody else's stories and I never asked you yours." He said.
I took a deep breath and decided to lie. I didn't want to repeat this conversation ever again.
"Sometimes when a person's changes, they forget their human life. I really couldn't say, because I honestly don't remember. This is the only life I've ever known. I never had to adjust." I finish looking up at him.
"Oh, ok. I'm sorry." I said giving my hand a squeeze.
He believed the lie so easily and I felt so awful. He trusted me, and I here I was betraying his trust. I hated it so much, but my will for self preservation outdid my guilt for him. He gave me a small smile and took my hand and walked me back to the house.
Another year went by and Emmett and I became closer, but I was still as cold as ever. My heart though was beginning to thaw slowly. I could feel my resolve weakening bit by bit, day by day and it frightened me. Actually it scared the living hell out of me. So I withdrew, again. But this time it wasn't for a couple of days. It was months. I barely spoke a word to him. Gave him the cold shoulder, ignored him. I didn't miss the reproachful looks Carlisle and Esme gave me. Only Edward knew what was really going on.
"Not every man is him." He was stated, and he was right I was just too stubborn and scared to admit it. Not every man was Royce King Jr. and Emmett sure as hell didn't act like him but I wasn't about to take my chances and find out anytime soon. Months and months I ignored him. It was killing me.
Which leads me to right now, six months and I'm still ignoring him. Every time I look at him, my heart breaks a little more. My anger for Royce only gets worse with each passing day, because it's his fault that I'm like this to begin with. Every day is the same, go to school, go home, maybe go hunting, and go to my room. Anything that doesn't include Emmett.
They say that time heals all wounds.
They lied.
Here I was sixty years after the fact and it's still eating me alive. The anger, pain and distrust still fester deep within my soul. The constant need to be distant, to strike before I get hurt. I want to love, but I just can't. And yet part of me knows I am already in love with him, because my heart wouldn't hurt like this, I wouldn't be feeling like this, like I'm dying on the inside. But my fear overrules my heart and feelings. I remember the hollow feeling after waking up and remembering what Royce did to me, and I swore to myself I would never feel that again.
A branch suddenly cracks and my head whips around and I see Emmett walking towards with a resolved expression on his face. Immediately I turn to run, to get away.
"Rosalie stop." He demands.
His voice is harsh and demanding and I don't miss the underlying hurt laced in them. I've never seen him this angry before. My body freezes but I keep my back turned to him. I refuse to look at him.
"You lied to me." He says just as harshly.
A breath catches in my throat and if my heart were beating, it would be going crazy. I know exactly what he's talking about but I'm not sure how he found out. Immediately my anger starts to seep into me, replacing my fear. How dare the person to give such information, information that was only mine to tell!
"Why." He demands.
I stay quiet trying to formulate a response, actually more of a lie.
"Look Emmett, I'm not sure what you're talking about. But I didn't lie to you." I say calmly.
"Yes you did, and I want to know why." He responds harshly.
I just stay quiet some more. Usually I'm good at this, but for some reason I'm just tired. Tired of running away all the time.
"Look at me." He continues.
When I don't move he suddenly comes face to face with me.
"Why can't you trust me?" He says quietly.
I see pity in his eyes and my anger whelms back up inside me. I don't need his pity. I don't need anybody's pity. My eyes harden and I turn to walk away. Suddenly his hand wraps around my arms and pulls me back. His eyes now tinged red with fury.
"How did you die!" He yells harshly.
"Six men and a bottle of Vodka!" I yell right back. "Figure it out." I finish coldly as I watch his eyes go wide. His hand immediately lets go of me but then the fury comes back into his eyes.
"Where are they!" He screams as his body shakes with pure unadulterated hate. "Where are they!" He screams even more loudly.
"Six feet under the ground where I put their dismembered bodies!" I say quietly but with resolve. I don't regret the sin I've committed. They had it coming for them. "Do you honestly think I would let them go after what they did to me, after what he did to me?" I finish coldly.
He eyes me quietly before responding.
"Who's he?" He asks slowly.
I look at him for a moment, taking in his demeanor. He looks as if he was struggling between hate and sympathy.
"My fiancé." I finish quietly. "Don't you see, it was never that I didn't love you? I just can't. Every time you make me feel happy, my heart reminds of the hollow feeling Royce left me when I woke up changed. I couldn't look at you that day because it scared the living hell out of me. I'm so scared all the time, and you're weakening my resolve and it frightens me. You scare me. That's why I lied." I finish looking away.
I can literally feel my heart ripping in my chest. I've completely opened up myself to him. You want to know what love feels like; this is what it feels like. I begin to walk away but feel his hand lightly grab mine. I stop and slowly turn around to face him. His eyes hold complete heartbreak in them. His other hand lightly trails up to my cheek and rest there. He leans his head on mine.
"One day, you'll be happy again. One day you'll see that I could never, and will never be him. One day you'll let yourself feel for me and not run away, and I promise I'll be right here when that happens. I won't ever abandon you." He says quietly.
They say that time heals all wounds.
Maybe, just maybe they're right.
The End.
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