It felt like drowning while everyone else walked past you breathing perfectly. It felt like breaking down while everyone else was rising to the top. It felt like dying. It felt like she had been dead for a long time.
Beth Childs always tried her damned best to hide her depression. She hid behind walls of playful insults and casual flirting, then went home to the arms of a man who wouldn't ever love her. Beth always felt that the way she felt with Paul would be the best "way" she'd ever get from anyone. So she taught herself to not feel, because she loved Paul and he deserved someone who wasn't a mess. The prescription pills helped with this. She stopped eating, slept more, drank more, talked less, and worked harder to make sure her boyfriend never found out about her. She was afraid of the judgement, and of him abandoning her. So, if he can never know, who should she call right now?
Beth stood a safe distance from the train tracks. After breaking from her trance and realizing what she was about to do, breathing became hard and her lungs felt as if they were 500 pounds. If someone didn't come to get her fast, the sound of the train whizzing up fast would push her down and nothing could hold her back from throwing herself at death. The tracks, just three feet to her left, called to her with such a sweet, loving, terrifying voice. Her hand fumbled around in her bag, and when she pulled it up she saw the pink case that held all the secrets of her genetic identicals. Beth almost put it back to get her real phone, but then remembered one of her clones lived only 15 minutes away.
It was crazy. Alison didn't even know Beth was feeling this way. This suicidal. She shouldn't expect her to leave her husband and kids to come pick up the freak show she wished didn't even exist. Even though the pair had become close friends, Beth knew Alison prayed every night that she would wake up and all the clones would have just been a bad dream. The giant kick-me-sign on her back (as she put it many times before) would be gone. But, since no other idea came to mind, Beth hoped that the meaningful moments they shared justified her cry for help. Beth opened her contacts list, and called Alison.
In her usual paranoia, suburban princess answered and said, "What happened?"
"Alison, listen… um… what's up?"
"I'm on my way home from picking up Gemma's new soccer uniform. She hit a growth spurt and I can't have a child of mine wearing clothes that don't fit perfe- wait, are you crying?"
Beth reached up and wiped her eyes, "I screwed up Alison. I screwed up and I need your help. I know this is sudden and weird and rude, but you're becoming one of my best friends. I know we don't know each other that well, which is why it's kind of sad that I just admitted I consider you one of my best friends-"
"-Don't be ridiculous, you're the only one in this mess that's not and idiot, of course we can be best friends!" Beth was afraid Alison sensed this was more than just a normal ride home.
"I am an idiot Ali", Beth cringed at the nickname that slipped out, "How far are you from the train station?"
"I'll be there in 9 minutes. Do you need me to stay on the line to talk to?"
"You shouldn't use your phone while you drive."
"Thank you very much officer Childs", Beth could practically hear the eye roll in Alison's voice, "Although, you do sound rather panicked right now. Do you want to tell me what's wrong?"
"I can't now. I'll tell you later."
"Okay, okay. Just calm down, listen to my soft, slow voice. focus on something else. Why don't you tell me what you see?"
"Alright, um, I see… a broken sign, 'Turn to us when you need to know businesses, entertainment, yadda yadda boring…"
"Good! Very good! What else dear?"
Beth blushed and looks around for something interesting, trying to find something that will impress her new "best friend". "Okay, I see a tight ass man holding a brief case, some punk girl arguing on a payphone… I don't see her face but she has some ridiculous faux half shaved head thing going on." Alison laughed on the other side, and feeling more encouraged, Beth continued. "I see… I see… um, there's not really many people here Alison."
"Beth", Alison's voice was slow and careful, "You're doing fantastic, really. Tell me anything you feel like."
Beth's heart rate started to pick up as she heard the faint whistle of a train. Her hand grabbed the column that was next to her, and she felt as if her legs were about to give out. "There's a train coming, Alison. Ali the train's coming… I… I can't-"
"Beth! Listen to me turn around a look to the other side. Okay, calm down. You're fine, it's fine. Listen to my voice, focus on me, don't think about anything. Okay, today is Friday. I woke up at 6 am, I walked Gemma and Oscar to their bus stops after getting them ready. I then walked to the 24 hour grocery market and picked up Donnie and I's breakfast. I bought a carton of eggs, some bagels, and cream cheese. Aynsley, a friend of mine-"
"Yeah, yeah… you, um, mentioned her before. I remember because it was the day I came over to help you with your Spanish, so that you could help Oscar with his homework and seem smart, and Aynsley was watching Gemma and him", Beth laughed, half-heartedly. "Um… what happened then?"
"Excuse me Elizabeth, I do not need to 'seem smart'. I am perfectly capable. Anywho, she was there and we walked home together. Donnie, as usual, slept in late since he was out all night doing gosh knows what with his work friends. So I enjoyed my marvelous scrambled eggs and bagel all by myself."
"Damn idiot", Beth really laughed this time. "He missed out."
Alison chuckled along, "Yes he did, it was delicious if I do say so myself. So, I did housework until noon, which is when Donnie woke up. I fixed him lunch and he left for the day. I then did my 'Hip Hop Abs'-"
"Wow. Love it."
"Excuse me Elizabeth, health and exercise is very important to me!"
"Yes, yes of course. Continue Alison, please."
"You do your track and I do my 'Hip Hop Abs'. It's perfectly respectable. Anyway, I picked up Gemma and Oscar, Donnie came home and I made dinner. I'm parking now, See you in a minute." and with that goodbye, Alison hung up.
The train was long gone, but Beth still felt a bit shakey now that Alison wasn't talking to her anymore. The thought that she would have to face another person, after what almost happened, shook Beth to her core. The terror of having to explain, out loud, what she's going through was more than she thought she could handle. But then, Alison walked up, and Beth felt a warmth that reassured her. Alison's pace was quick but she was obviously trying to be nonchalant. Her smile showed signs of worry, and her eyes made her seem confused. She walked up and put her arm around Beth- an action that wasn't unusual between the two- but this time it seemed heavier.
"Beth. What happened." Alison felt Beth's breath falter. "Please. Beth… just let me help."
"I… Paul doesn't understa… No one… I just freaked out. I couldn't stop. God Ali, what I almost did. I was going to surprise Paul. He was away for the weekend and I was going to take the train to him, but then I started to think of what I could do here… and I… Ali."
"Beth, I hear about Paul a lot. He, pardon my french, sounds like a total dipshit!"
"Wow, a dipshit. You trying to impress me or something, Ali? It's just … I love him."
"You love him because you thought he was the only one that cared about you, but that's not true. Who did you call to come help you? That's right! Me. Why'd you call me? Because I care about you." Beth stayed quiet to let the tiny, cute girl in front of her finish. Alison used her jacket sleeve to wipe Beth's tears from her cheek. "I've been afraid about your well being lately, but… I didn't know. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry Beth. I suck. I'm a… um… dipshit too. Sorry that just sounds so weird coming from me. I can't pull it off like you."
"Alison", Beth smiled, "I'm glad you care. But you don't have to be sorry, and you're sure as fucking hell not a dipshit."
"Beth, I will be here every day, to help you. We will get through this downfall, through the hunter, and through this whole mystery together. We're going to get off our pills together. We've known each other for a while, and this past month has been crazy… We're messes, but messes that stick together."
They looked into each other's eyes… their own eyes. Staying in a comfortable silence, they just appreciated each other's company on this quiet, almost-deserted platform. Alison smiled weakly and stepped behind Beth. She gently took down the cop's hair, and ran her fingers through the long brunette locks. Her hands hesitated on the back of Beth's neck, in an almost caress. Both girls stopped for a while. Time seemed to drag on, as they stayed in this awkward position. Until Alison choked out a very audible "Oh, Beth!"
Arms wrapped tightly around Beth's sides, and Alison's broken sobs could have been nails on a chalk board for all she cared. Somehow, although it was pretty difficult, Beth pulled Alison off her long enough to turn around and hug her the right way. They stood that way for a while, and while Alison's loud cries caused some attention, they ignored everyone else there. They were the only one's alive at that station.
"Alison, just, remember what you said earlier, listen to my voice, calm down-"
"I'm sorry, I'm so-", hic, "sorry I didn't help before. I should've-", hic, "I should've… Oh Jesus! If I had lost you tonight-", Alison's red face showed an emotion that told Beth it would be horror. Beth felt like
"Alison, just, remember what you said earlier, listen to my voice, calm down-"
"I'm sorry, I'm so-", hic, "sorry I didn't realize before. I should've-", hic, "I should've… Oh Jesus! If I had lost you tonight-", Alison's red face showed an emotion that told Beth it would be a horror. Beth felt like maybe her death would affect others after all.
"Shhhhhh, Ali, shhh."
They continued that way, Alison crying and Beth just holding her, for at least five minutes longer. It got colder and darker since Beth first arrived, and it was nearing midnight. The few other people at the platform, walking past them, decided to just ignore the odd pair. Noticing their privacy, Beth started rubbing her back, playing with her hair, and humming in her ear. When Alison calmed down, Beth pulled away and wiped Alison's eyes, then looked at her questioningly. Alison stepped back from Beth's hand, crossed her arms, and started looking around.
"Beth", Alison started, "We've only known each other for a short time, and it's wrong of me to like you this much, considering we're just two illegal experiments… But I do. If you had done what I think you would have…"
"I didn't. Because of you. Because you are the only one who has ever cared about me. I'm happy that whatever nut bag created us did, for once. You are my best friend, and I love you. Now please, for the love of god, please don't ever cry like that again. Cause like, damn Hendrix."
"Sorry Beth. I'm sorry. And, I know this obstacle is obviously going to take a long time to defeat, but I will help you every step of the way. I love you too."
Alison took Beth's hand and- even though they were already standing very close to one another- pulled her in the rest of the way. Their lips barely brushed each other before Beth pulled away. She looked flustered and full of guilt. Both girls were pretty cried out, so they just stared down as another awkward silence ensued.
Beth looked up and started, "Paul-"
"I know, I'm shouldn't have done that. You love him." Even though Alison knew Paul didn't love or deserve Beth, she knew she had no right to mess with Beth's life like this. "It's just, this past month, you're the only one out of the seven of us that gets it. I admire you. I'm… falling for you."
"But… you're married."
"Donnie and I have been moving apart for a long time. He's been distant and secretive. I know this is what my heart truly wants. But… I understand. You don't love me like that."
"I didn't say that, Ali."