I Won't Back Down

Author: ladyhuntress36

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

Summary: To escape the crushing grief accompanying Sirius' death Remus shuts out the world and hides behind a mask of apathy. Refusing to be ignored, Tonks steps in to get him to realize that he can't live this way and shows him how to feel again.

A/N: Well it finally happened; I was badgered enough by my friends that I finally decided to try my hand at a sex scene. I figured who better to try it with then one of my favorite pairings, if nothing else perhaps Remus' mental presence will keep me grounded. I marked this fic as complete but I wouldn't be opposed to doing a sequel or continuation if there is interest. As always, I'd love to hear what you guys think. Enjoy and Happy Reading!

I Won't Back Down

Remus, after long hours of staring at the dwindling fire, decided that it wasn't fair. That if he had to keep losing the people closest to him then after the first few he should become numb to it. It shouldn't keep feeling as if a part off him had been forcibly ripped away. But it did, every single bloody time.

Some part of him knew that this wasn't healthy, staying up here in Sirius' room. He should go downstairs and put in an appearance at dinner, or even just go and have a bit of tea but he couldn't bring himself to leave. Not this place, in which the essence of his best mate was the strongest.

Oh the order had tried of course. Even Dumbledore himself had shown up briefly (at what he strongly believed was Molly's request) to try and get him to come out but he still refused. Therefore when he heard the footsteps approaching the door he sighed. These people were his friends, were good to him and didn't deserve his anger but the more people who kept trying to bring him out the harder it got to keep from snapping at them. He just wanted to be left alone.

He sighed as he heard the knocking. Maybe if he just ignored it, it would go away. Finally after a few minutes of constant noise the knocking stopped. Before Remus could breathe a sigh of relief though, the door was thrown open and he heard someone enter the room.

Eyes blazing he turned around sharply, a venomous reprimand on his tongue but it died as he took in the form of the lithe witch standing in the doorway sporting her signature bubble-gum pink hair and the dark grey eyes which were a Black family legacy.

This, Remus thought, made things a bit more complicated. He knew that Tonks had a crush on him and despite the thousand and one reasons why he shouldn't he knew that he was attracted to her as well. That was the reason why he tried so hard to push her away, ignored her. He was all wrong for her and the sooner she moved on the better. Despite that, he couldn't find it within himself to snark at her the way he would have one of the other order members and felt the anger drain out of him.

Moving his hand to pinch the bridge of his nose he muttered wearily, "What do you want Nymphadora?"

She took his words as an invitation to enter further and shut the door behind her; it did not however stop the scowl that formed on her lips as she told him, "Don't call me Nymphadora."

He rolled his eyes at the predictable response and the action seemed to irritate her further.

"If you keep calling me by that stupid name I'm going to… I'm going to start calling you RJ!" Tonks said decisively.

"RJ?" Remus asked as he raised an eyebrow.

"For Remus John" She told him.

Remus snorted before saying, "Only you Tonks."

Tonks moved forward and took a seat on the bed, facing Remus, who was lounging in a chair by the fireplace. As she sat she took a look around the room, taking in the numerous bits of spare parchment and quills that covered the desk, the cloths that were strewn liberally about the floor, and the various candy wrappers that inhabited virtually any empty space in the room.

With a small smile that was tinged with sadness she said, "My cousin certainly wasn't the neatest guy was he."

"During our sixth year Professor McGonagall ended up having to come into our dorm room. She had just dealt with the aftermath of a tiny prank we had played and had come after us looking for blood. She was so disgusted with the state of Sirius's bed and surrounding area that she gave him detention for a week." Remus told her in a tight voice.

Tonks took in the tone of his voice and sighed deeply before saying, "You can't keep going like this Remus."

"I'm fine Tonks."

"No you're not!" She cried. "You just shared a great memory with me and you can't even take any comfort out of it. You're not letting yourself feel Remus, not letting yourself grieve. You're shoving all of your emotions inside of you and locking them away. It's not going to help Remus, it won't make anything better."

"What would you know about it!" He roared, losing his composure for the first time since he had seen Sirius fall into the veil and had to hold Harry back, telling him that Sirius was gone.

Tonks' grey eyes hardened and when she spoke her voice took on a harsh quality that he had never before heard from the often cheerful witch.

"What would I know about it? I don't know Remus, how about the fact that I've been to the funerals of five different aurors since I got out of training. Or maybe I gained some understanding when I had to drag the dead body of one of my squad mates away from a skirmish. Perhaps I gained the perspective when I made my first kill two weeks ago."

Tonks cut off her rant as she took in Remus' horrified expression and when she continued to speak her voice was softer but no less serious.

"I'd never killed someone before Remus. You learn about it during training, about how it should be your last resort. About how sometimes there isn't any other choice, but none of that helped me when I had to face the fact that a man was dead because of my actions. I did just what you are doing right now Remus. I hid myself away and tried to suppress everything; if I couldn't feel anything at all then I couldn't feel the pain, the guilt. In the end it was Mad-Eye who knocked me out it."

"What did he do?" Remus asked her softly.

"He was actually surprisingly gentle at first for Mad-Eye, corning me at dinner and things, telling me that he was there for me if I wanted to talk. I didn't want to talk to anyone though; I just wanted to pretend nothing had happened. I wanted to be left alone. Eventually he got me alone in one of the rooms upstairs and locked us in. He started shouting at me, he was right by me the night it happened, he had seen everything. He repainted the scene, he took me right back there and it was too much. I couldn't ignore the feelings anymore, not when the scene that was on my mind constantly was being shouted at me in a way I couldn't run from."

"What happened?"

Tonks laughed slightly before replying, "What do you think happened, I bloody lost it. I started crying and I just couldn't stop. May-Eye held me while I cried and just told me in that growly voice of his that everything would be okay. We had a long talk afterwards and I started to feel better, to feel normal again."

Remus gave her a small smile and said, "Mad- Eye really is quite fond of you."

Tonks grinned as she told him, "Yup, perks of being his protégé and all. Anyway, the point of this little story was that I know what it feels like to hurt so badly that you want to push aside all emotion, to live in complete apathy rather than let yourself feel. It's not a way to live though Remus and it will destroy you in the end, you can't go on this way, you have to let yourself feel again."

Remus turned his eyes downward and studied his hands. When he finally managed to speak his voice was haunted, "I… I can't Tonks. I did in the beginning and I can't do it anymore. It's like being swept away by a giant wave. It was like I was drowning."

At the sound of his voice Tonks slid off the bed and knelt down beside his chair, placing her hands on his thighs.

"I can't feel again Tonks, I just can't do it." Remus whispered brokenly.

At this, Tonks, the beginnings of tears in her eyes wrapped her arms around Remus and just held on to him. Remus tentatively put his arms around her and held her tightly. He didn't cry though. His pain, while lessened with Tonks' arms around him was too smothering and biting for him to let free. Tonks seemed to realize this and after a few minutes gently pulled herself away and took a good long look at him."

Tonks felt a stirring of heat run through her body as she eyed him. She had been crushing hard on Remus Lupin for many months now and she found him undeniably appealing in his normal state. He simply exuded a strength and clarity that had helped keep her grounded during dark time, as well as being one of the kindest and most sincere men she had ever met. Now, however, when he was being suffocated by the weight of a powerful grief he couldn't deal with, when he sat before her in such a vulnerable state she couldn't help but find him breathtaking.

She had come up here hoping to help him the way Mad-Eye had helped her, to get him to somehow let himself feel again and then help him weather the grief that would follow. Now however when she looked at him she realized that he needed something else. He did still need to feel, needed it desperately, but he couldn't release his emotions the way she had, he simply couldn't let himself cry. He needed release, but couldn't find it himself, couldn't let himself have it. She finalized her plan in moments, assuaging her conscious that she was doing this for him because he needed it, despite the pleasure it would bring her as well, after all there was more than one was to make someone feel.

Taking his hands in hers she pulled him to his feet before taking a few steps back. She moved slowly and with careful purpose and she undid the buttons on her robes and slipped them off her shoulders. She was about to lay them on the bed when, with a glance at the room around her and a small smile on her face she tossed them on the floor.

Remus remained still, almost in shock until Tonks' hands moved to pull her shirt up over her head. It brought him back to himself in an instant and he spluttered, "Tonks, what… what are you doing?"

"You can't cry right now Remus, and I understand that, but you still need some kind of release. You have all of this negative energy bundled up inside of you. You're tense and wound ultra tight, I remember the feeling. If you can't find an emotional release through words, well there are other ways to release emotion, and I can help you do that." Tonks explained.

"You mean by… NO! No, absolutely not Tonks!" Remus said, panicked as the action Tonks was hinting about became clear in his mind.

Tonks raises an eyebrow at him before quickly removing her favorite purple Weird Sisters t-shirt to reveal her toned upper body and bright yellow bra. Remus tried to look away but Tonks stepped forward quickly and grabbed both of his hands which he had been about to bring up to cover his eyes.

"Am I really so bad to look at Remus, I'm hurt," She laughed before continuing," Really, I don't know what the big deal is. I've been crushing on you for awhile now Remus and though you have done your level best to dissuade me I can tell that you feel something for me as well. I care about you Remus and I want to help you, is that so wrong."

"Tonks, we… we can't do this. I've told you before we cannot have a relationship let alone have sex. I'm damaged goods Tonks, now more than ever. I'm too old for you; you deserve someone better than a broken old werewolf." Remus whispered furiously, trying to keep his eyes off of her lithe form but ultimately failing miserably.

"I've also told you that I don't care. You are who I want Remus and I will continue to tell you that I don't care about how old you are, how broken or how dangerous. I don't care if you are a werewolf or a grindylow. I am in love with the man not what he occasionally turns into." Tonks proclaimed fiercely as she released his hands and moved hers to the button on her pants.

"Look at me," She whispered softly.

Remus knew that he shouldn't, knew that this was wrong on so many levels, that there were a thousand and one reasons why he shouldn't. He knew that he should do just about anything other than look at the witch who stood before him in her bra and a pair of form-fitting black pants but when he heard her voice, soft and quiet, whisper to him, he couldn't help but look.

Once she saw Remus look she caught his hazel eyes with her own grey and never once looking away from him she slowly unbuttoned her pants and lowered them, stepping, for once, gracefully out of them to stand before him in her matching yellow bra and panties.

Breathing quickly became a cause for concern as Remus seemed to temporarily forget how to accomplish it. It seemed a joke now that he had been trying to keep his eyes away for if he had he could not have used them to run up and down the form of beautiful young witch in front of him.

Seeing the attention that he was paying her Tonks grinned. Still riding the high from her small victory she decided to up the game and took a few steps closer until she stood directly in front of him. Leaning up slightly she brought her lips to his in a sweet and gentle kiss.

To Remus, the kiss felt as though an electric current was running through his skin and though the kiss was gentle and sweet he couldn't help the moan that escaped his lips. For all that he would have loved to prove her wrong, Tonks was right. He was tense and wound up tighter than he could ever remember himself being. Combined with the fact that he hadn't done anything like this is a long time and, despite his wish to the country, he did in fact have of crush on Nymphadora Tonks, he felt the first stirrings of desire in his gut.

He had always approached passionate and sexual situations with care as he had found the closer to a base desire a situation was, the stronger the presence of the wolf was in his mind. It never took control but he became more primal in those situations, more feral. So now, with a gorgeous, scantily clad young witch pressed against his body, her lips on his he felt the wolf stir strongly in his mind.

Sparing little thought to his actions he reached out and pulled Tonks to him, deepening the kiss, before finally lifting her straight off her feet and carrying her the few steps to the bed situating them so that he lay on top of her. When air became a necessity he pulled away from her. His eyes, usually hazel glowed a golden amber, evidence of the increased presence of the wolf in his mind. Looking down at Tonks, her body trembling in anticipation and eyes clouded with lust, brought his logical mind back to the forefront.

"Tonks," He groaned, trembling with the effort to get the words out while his body physically ached with need, "The wolf… my eyes… I can't control. This isn't right… too primal. I won't be able to hold for long, you need to leave."

Tonks reached up and with one hand traced around his now amber eyes before whispering, with a smirk that would have made her cousin beam with pride, "Whose afraid of the big bad wolf."

The smirk that lit up her face was mischievous, challenging, and downright sexy. It was also his undoing. With a low growl he brought his lips back to hers in a searing kiss. He ravaged her mouth and when, at a slight pressure on her lower lip she opened her mouth his tongue dove inside, fighting with hers in a dance for dominance. Tonks reached her hands up to grip the back of Remus' head while his started an exploration of her body.

He pulled away leaving her breathless as his hands worked at the clasp of her bra. With a few deft motions that showed her the first of what she imagined to be many benefits of having an older and experienced lover he had her bra off and thrown carelessly on the floor. Never one to lie passive she reached her hand up to grab his shirt and start to pull it over his head.

Within a few seconds his shirt was off and Tonks had the answer to the question that had nagged at her mind for weeks, if the extra strength of the werewolf would show is his physique. Question answered, it did.

She ran her hands over his well defined upper body until he pulled them away and held them at her sides. Once she was still Remus began his own exploration, running his hands over every inch of her body. She felt warmth shoot straight to her core as his hands cupped her breast, playing with her nipples until they stood taut.

He cocked his head to the side for a minute as though debating with himself before quickly leaning his head down to take one of the nipples into his mouth, sucking gently. Tonks whimpered and as she started to fidget about she felt his warm body come to lean more heavily on her own, stilling her movements before repeating the ministrations on the other nipple.

Her hands flew to the buttons on his pants and with a bit of effort she had them open and pulled halfway down his thighs reveling silver boxers, which, to her immense satisfaction were strained against Remus' hardened cock. He moved his head back up to kiss her deeply and she took advantage of his new position to grasp his cock through the fabric which caused him to moan into her mouth.

He countered her action quickly, slipping a hand underneath her panties to rub teasingly at her clit. Tonks bucked wildly at the movement and the sounds that escaped her brought a satisfied smirk to Remus' face, even more so when he abruptly pulled his hand away and she made an intense sound of protest. Laughing he hooked his hand underneath her panties and drew them slowly down her legs, enjoying the view before tossing them to the side.

Tonks reached desperately for his boxers and after seeing her intension Remus pulled them down and off, giving her the first good view of his very impressive manhood. His cock was thick, large and glorious as it stood at attention such that Tonks couldn't keep her eyes off of it. Remus laughed at her absorption and gave her something to take her mind and eyes off his cock as he reached up and began to rub her clit between his fingers.

The feeling was incredible and Tonks threw her head back against the bed as she felt a warm glow sweep through her body. His other hand roamed her body and he leaned forward to plant soft kisses along her jaw line. He seemed to know at almost an instinctual level just how much he could tease her before he ran the risk of sending her over the edge and would pull his hand away as necessary. All in all it was wondrous but it wasn't enough. She wanted it, wanted him. She wanted to feel his thick cock stretching her out as he pounded into her. He wanted him to make her cry out in passion, cry out his name. She wanted to not just be sent over that edge but to fly over it. She wanted him inside her and she wanted it now.

"Please Remus." She called out to him, "Please."

"What can I do for you my lovely Dora?" He replied, maddeningly calm considering that her whole body was singing.

She ignored the shortening of her first name; there were more important matters to attend to. As she looked up she was immediately reminded that this man was a werewolf. It wasn't the scars that lined his body or even the golden eyes. It was the look behind them, the look of a predator. He was clearly in charge here, the alpha, the hunter, and she was most defiantly prey. While the word usually carried negative connotation, Tonks decided that she had quite enjoyed being pray thus far and if she could get the words out of her mouth she would enjoy it even more.

"Please Remus, I want you. I want you inside me. Please! Make me feel good." She said, breathlessly, "Make my body sing."

He smiled a smug smile at her and his eyes glowed with lust as he roamed them over her body.

"As you wish." He told her as he moved himself into position at her core. He held himself at her entrance, and when he didn't start moving she did, or at least she tried until his strong arms held her down.

"Aren't we impatient?"

It was too much for Tonks who after struggling for a few moments let out a shriek of pure impatience that turned quickly into a shout of passion as Remus had taken that moment to enter her swiftly.

He pounded into her with powerful thrusts that shifted her back against the headboard. He leaned his head down to kiss her and her hands clawed their way down his back. She got a brief glimpse of his eyes and saw them glowing a bright amber and his expression was primal.

This, she realized, was what he had been warning her about. This part of him, the animalistic part was now in control. Tonks wasn't scared though, for all the wolf's presence in his mind, the mind was still Remus' and he would never hurt her. Besides, this was what she had wanted for him, this release of energy and emotion.

It was rough and wild, incredibly hot, and Tonks was enjoying every moment of it. There was a time for delicate lovemaking and then there was a time for passionate, primal sex. This time was the latter. She tried to time her own thrusts as best she could to meet his and after some time she could feel it growing inside her, his thrusts sending her closer and closer to the edge.

After one particularly well placed thrust she cried out, "Oh god Remus, faster. Please, please go faster; I'm right there, so close."

He gave no sign of hearing her but picked up his speed to a degree that left her moaning wantonly. She trembled on the edge and as she felt herself start to go she called to him.

"Remus… Remus I'm…" Her words were cut off by her cry of passion as he pushed her over the edge and her orgasm surged through her. Pure pleasure shot through every vein in her body, and she felt as though she were free falling. As her walls clamped down around him her cry changed and echoed in the room around them.

"REMUS!"

Her walls clamping down around him proved to be too much for Remus. He threw his head back and as his own orgasm hit he cried out. It was wordless, formless, a primal call of pure emotional release.

As he winded down however his regained the ability to speak and called out softly, "Dora!"

Once their orgasms had run their course he pulled softly out of her and rolled over, coming to rest on his back next to her, chest heaving.

Remus felt Tonks crawl over to him and come to lay her head against his chest. Smiling into the pink hair he wrapped an arm around her and held her close. Once he had gained his breath back he asked the question he had to know the answer to.

"Dora, did I hur…"

"Stop!" Tonks cut him off. "If you are going to ask if you hurt me, or apologize for anything that just took place I don't want to hear it. I feel fine, no scratch that I feel incredible and I am not going to let you kill my buzz."

She looked up at him and seeing the worry in his eyes she sighed, "No Remus you didn't hurt me. I knew what I was getting myself into, you warned me before we began remember. Besides, I'm an auror, we don't break so easy. It was rough and wild, and Remus I enjoyed every minute of it. Besides, it served its purpose didn't it? You got to release some of that impressively large pent up emotion. You, who tried for so long to be in control let go of that control and just acted, just felt. You feel better now don't you."

He hadn't thought about it, when one has a naked young women pressed up against them, there were other things that require thought, but now that she mentioned it, he did. The heavy weight on his chest was gone. Oh he still felt the pain, the grief. His best mate was gone and one shag, even of the fantastic quality that he'd just experienced couldn't erase that, but he no longer felt like he was drowning, like he was suffocating.

Remus smiled, a true smile that reached his eyes that were now going back to hazel as the amber bled out of them, and said, "Yeah I do. Thank you Dora, I… it really did help. I am sorry that I was so rough though."

Tonks rolled her eyes, "I told you I'm not going to break. Besides I happened to have had a great time. You're phenomenal with your hands by the way, as well as with certain other parts of you."

"I know you're not going to break but it was still quite rough. Next time I'll take it easy, make it sweet and slow." Remus said with a smile as he blushed at her praise.

Tonks' eyes shot open and she turned to look him straight in the eye as she said, "Next time, you mean there is going to be a next time."

"Seeing now what happened to me when I let emotion build up until it burst out I think it might be safer to just go with it instead of waiting until my feelings bottled up and I jumped you." Remus told her sheepishly.

Tonks' smile was blinding and she rolled over to hug him tightly.

"Don't look quite so thrilled. I do indeed have feelings for you Dora but I still think I'm too old for you, too broken. If you could find someone younger, someone more whole I would be happy for you." Remus said seriously.

Tonks' smile didn't fade as she said, "Don't worry Remus; if you aren't going to keep ignoring me then I will have plenty of time to convince you."

Remus rolled his eyes and for awhile they simply laid quietly in each other's arms. As she leaned back against Remus, Tonks took a good look around the room.

"Remus?" She asked, "Do you think that Sirius would have minded that we had sex in his room, in his bed."

Remus looked at her for a moment and then threw his head back and burst into hysterical laughter. It took him a long while to regain control of himself but once he did he smiled brightly at Tonks before answering, "I don't think he would have minded Dora, especially considering the amount of times he told me how desperately I needed to get laid."

Tonks rolled her eyes at the statement that was purely Sirius before laughing with Remus. If either had been paying close attention they would have heard another laugh fill the small room, a laugh that was decidedly bark-like.