So I guess this is my first serious fanfic! Wow... I'm actually rather proud of that! Thank you brain frogs. Ok, to explain I wrote this after watching Star Wars: The Force Awakens so if you haven't seen it don't read on! Basically I wasn't happy with Leia's reaction to Han's death and I know that they were apart for a long time but they were still married for frog's sake! Sigh, rant over, I wrote it whilst listening to a bunch of songs (All I want by Kodaline, When we were Young by Adele, Everything is Beautiful by Anne-Marie Boskovich) and I highly recommend that you listen to these whilst reading. In the order that I have written them down... sorry picky author here... Anyways grab a box of tissues and be prepared to cry over the feels of my favourite female character ever...

disclaimer: all Disney's... sadly...

"When you said your last goodbye, I died a little bit inside. I lay in tears in bed all night, alone without you by my side"- Kodaline

Always

Leia felt it in her chest, like a cold blade had been plunged ever so cruelly into her heart. Somehow, it wasn't sharp but a soft ache that grew with the realisation that he was gone and not coming back. For good this time. There was an interruption in the Force, like it felt her pain and Leia knew it from this, before she heard it on the comms. Han Solo was dead. The abnormal flutter of her pulse and the sharp intake of breath marked her shock. Shock. She'd always known that it was a possibility that he wouldn't make it back but never, never had she truly expected it to happen. Luck had finally run out on her pirate. A shuddering gasp escaped her and she collapsed in on herself as her pain grew into a tidal wave of agony that flowed, ripped through her being and it was all she could do not to scream out at the injustice of it. There was a gaping hole in her heart that no matter how much she tried to fix it by wrapping her arms around her, clawing at her chest, it wouldn't go. In a matter of moments, Han had taken a chunk out of her heart that could never be put back. Leia observed the commanders in the room with a detached feeling. She wanted to scream out at the galaxy that he was gone, that she would never be whole again. Why didn't they feel what she felt? How? It was like her world had been thrown aside and shattered. Yes, that was the word. Shattered. Her soul was being ripped to pieces, slowly, agonisingly and there was nothing she could do about it.

As if underwater, she heard Rey's cries over the comms and Chewie's roar. Oh gods, Chewie. Leia had only to picture his face, his pain. She wasn't the only one who had loved Han. That was when the tears came, fast and free-flowing. She ran from the room, blinded by a watery haze. Down corridors she ran, the startled looks she got from passers-by went unseen. Leia found herself in the bedroom that Han and herself had had whilst on this base. That was before everything. It had been a long time since they had shared this bed. And now never again. Her heart was bleeding out and there was nothing she could do to patch up the wound. Leia clutched the pillow to her breast and sobbed into it. Cried into it. Screamed, gasped and punched her way through the pain that consumed her being. She was never one for showing her emotion. She always commanded a strong presence, an unshakeable one but now something inside her had broken. She had cracked the moment she felt the Force shift as her son had betrayed his own family. His own bloody kin! Han had tried to bring him back, for her! Every time she thought of Ben, she saw the tiny baby who had laid so gently in her arms. The small child who had giggled and squealed when his father had thrown him into the air and caught him again. Han had always caught Ben. But Ben had strayed too far from their reach and too high for his father to catch him. Leia saw only now that there was no hope for him, he'd left them long ago. Maybe once upon a time he had felt some attachment to them, but that ended the moment he had cold-heartedly plunged his lightsaber through his father's chest. It had all ended then. There was nothing now.

Leia fell into a deep sleep, exhaustion claiming her. She dreamt of nothing yet everything and when she woke the world was grey. Numbness crept into her bones, her mind and suddenly she felt as though the weight of the world had fallen upon her. She had a Resistance to run, a republic to build yet she couldn't find the energy in her to move. All her life she had been doing this. Pushing aside her own feelings and replacing them with her duty to the Alliance. But not this time, this time was hers and hers only. This was her only moment to grieve. Softly his lopsided grin filtered into her mind's eye and smirked at her. His strong arms wrapped around her and held her close. Gentle kisses graced her lips and gentle words lulled her to sleep. Worried eyes that watched over her when she had fallen ill and laughing eyes that had teased her on countless occasions. A love that should've gone down in the archives but instead slowly fell to pieces. Now it was gone.

Han's spare blaster lay upon the desk, next to her hairbrush. They coincided next to each other with a strange connection, like the everyday beside the inescapable truth they were thrown into. Han used to brush her hair when she was weary of the world and she used to shoot his blaster to calm herself when he was gone for too long. His jacket, the original one that he'd been wearing when she had first seen him, hung with honour in her wardrobe. He hadn't worn it years now, never would again. Unfinished business. That's what it was. That's what they were.

Han filled her thoughts with regret and guilt. Regret that they had parted and only partially patched up the wrong. There were words that went unsaid, actions that had not been undertaken and a love that had fallen apart but hadn't been completely lost. She didn't realise it then but Ben had strengthened her love for Han. They fought, too often to count, but they made up. Always. Never with meaningless words but with a glance that spoke more. It was the glance he always gave her when he got off his ship after some stupid trip to get back at her. It meant that all was forgiven. He couldn't forgive her this. She'd sent him to his death, deep down knowing that Ben wouldn't come home. Han had walked out onto that cursed mission and trusted that his son would come home. How Ben had deceived them both...

Leia didn't realise that she was crying again until she felt the tears roll down her neck and under her collar. There was no sobbing or screaming now, only her soft breaths as she rocked back and forth on the bed, her tears creating a puddle on the bed sheets. Bed sheets that she and Han had once curled up together in. Safe in his embrace, she had once felt that nothing could ever go wrong. His love had tricked her into believing the galaxy still was worth saving. He had given her hope. He had brought her peace, joy and showed her a world beyond her responsibilities. He was a reckless, scruffy-looking scoundrel and he had made her laugh. He had made her smile, be so frustrated she wanted to blast him to deep space and so in love that she thought she would drown in it. He had made her human again. Han Solo, of Corellia, had understood without asking and comforted without words. Leia was lost now. Her life and soul was gone, taken her affection with him. She drew in a shuddering breath, choked back a sob and pulled the sheets around her. What was there to fight for now? He had always been the one to encourage her when the weight of the Resistance got too much. Once she caught him sitting up late at her desk, sorting through papers and files for her. He had also put her to bed after she had fallen asleep with her face pressed into said papers. The next morning, she didn't question the rings under his eyes and the obvious lack of sleep. She had gotten on with her work and he had done his but she'd never forgotten the things he had done for her. It was the little things that made him who he was.

Raising her face out of her nest, she gazed upon the Alderanian paintings, hung round the room, with love. Han had flown for 15 days through hyperspace to visit a dealer who sold relics. He had then bought them and flown back to surprise her. He knew how much she missed Alderaan, knew how much she blamed herself for its' destruction and Leia remembered, as though it was yesterday, the love in his eyes as he'd given the paintings to her. A piece of home, he'd said. She also recalled how she had shed a tear of thanks, not quite believing that he would've done that for her. Han Solo would've given his life for her. She knew that and she hated that he had had to. It was her fault that he was dead and she had done nothing but lie on their bed and cry. She drowned herself in a moment of blessed self-pity. Screw the resistance, screw the First Order and screw everything! Han was dead, let her just lie here for eternity. Didn't she deserve that?

All she wanted was to wake up from this nightmare, to hear his voice, to see him smile. To watch the lines of concentration on his face as he patched up a part of the Falcon, to laugh as he and Chewie shared some joke that only they understood or to just observe him looking at her. She remembered how he always had so much life in his eyes, so much love when he looked at her. She knew he loved her, had always known it but she couldn't help but ask. Ask why he left her. Leia knew it wasn't his fault but her heart did not. It was not his fault that Ben had killed him but she couldn't stop asking why? He could've fought back, she weakly suggested but Leia knew that Han would never raise a hand against Ben. He loved Ben too much to fight back. They had both loved their son too much for their own good, it had ruined them. But what were they to do? Sit back and watch as their son wandered down the path of destruction? No! they had tried countless times to bring back the son they knew and loved but Ben was no longer Ben. He had taken the name Kylo Ren and disowned them. The son they had raised and loved was gone. For a moment Leia had a fleeting slither of sympathy for her grandmother. Was this how she felt as her son turned to the dark side? Did Shmi sense the darkness in her son like Leia had when Ben had reached his 12th birthday? At least Shmi didn't see her son turn. She had died in her son's arms when he still had some shred of goodness. Leia wished morbidly that she had had the same fate and not witnessed the betrayal. She had carried him for 9 months, cherished him and loved him more than life itself. When she had first realised she was pregnant with him, she been so afraid. Afraid of what kind of world she would raising him in but most of all what kind of mother she'd be. She had never known her mother but was convinced that Padmé was a better person than she could ever be. Padmé had seen the good in people even when there was no hope, Vader was proof of that. She had known that love wins in every war. Love wouldn't win this war, love was dead.

Leia sighed and rolled onto her back. The grey metal of the ceiling looked coolly back at her. The walls stared ominously at her and the bed beneath her questioned what she was still doing there. The room spoke around her and seemed to spin with her memories but Leia just lay there, quiet in the invisible din. The voices of time still called to her and dictated her life, over and over. She still heard the past, echoing in the walls. She listened to Han's voice, as he whispered across the pillow to her, in the dark. He told her over exaggerated stories of before he met her. Tales that she knew he'd made up to impress her but listened along to anyway because there was nothing she loved more than seeing him smile. It was the last thing she saw before she fell asleep and the first thing that greeted her when she awoke. There was something uniquely beautiful about watching him lie in the morning sun, still asleep and with his scruffy hair mussed up. She would often just lie, beside him, and watched as the rays of morning tracked their way across his face. He had always looked so much younger in his sleep. Innocent even. She would often wonder what had happened in his childhood but he'd never told her. It was a part of him that she was perfectly content to wonder about and never ask. Some things were better left unsaid.

Leia pulled herself up, and dangled her legs over the edge of bed. She dragged a weary hand across her face and wiped away the remaining tears. Tucking away loose strands, she pushed back her hair and sucked in a deep breath through her nose. Leia stood. On steady legs she walked to the mirror and stared unseeing at her reflection. Closing her eyes, she remembered everything. Her childhood, her first mission, her torture on the Death Star. She remembered it all with unflinching clarity. Leia knew now. It was all a part of her, a part of the Force that dwelt within her. Her pain, her sadness, was all a part of her. For years she had tried to deny the hurt and forget it all and where had that gotten her? Nowhere. All her life she had been asking why? Why did she have to be the princess? Why did her father have to be the one who she was leading a rebellion against? Why did Han die? But now, only now, she knew that none of it mattered. She didn't need the answers. All she needed to do was remember the times when life was ok. Not perfect, just ok. Because life got better. It always did.

Thank you for reading, my lovelies. Please leave a review because they make the frogs in my brain happy!