Dear Jace,

I think about your hair often these days. Golden as always. The color of the fall. The most beautiful season of all. It's my favorite season. Or maybe it's just because of you.

I think about Isabelle often too. Beautiful as hell, isn't she? Her black hair like the curtain that covers the sky in the midnight. My favorite time of the day. Or maybe it's just because of her.

Jace, do you believe in angels? I remember when I asked you that before. You snorted, saying there is no way an angel can exist in this ruined world full of hatred. But I don't know, Jace. Because I'm pretty sure I've seen one before. Or maybe not. An angel should never make one have sinful thoughts.

Lust, wrath, envy, sloth, greed, pride, and gluttony. That's what I feel. The seven deadly sins. You surely must be an angel, as beautiful as you are, or a demon, as tempting as you are.

I remember everytime we go out to see movies. Me, you, and Izzy. Sappy, sappy, romances, scary movies that give you heart attacks, action movies that pumps adrenaline into your veins. All I do is watch you. Enchanted in her embrace, looking like the happiest man in the world.

Do you believe in magic, Jace? I do. I've seen it before. You don't treat Izzy like any other girls. She changed you to a whole new person. But I couldn't.

I always laugh, don't I? I tease you about you and Izzy, and I smile everytime you kiss her. But did you know, Jace? The person who smiles the most is the saddest.

Last night, I watched you. You were reading Bad Seed just like I told you to. I saw you flipping the pages with that slender fingers of yours. Do you know, Jace? How much I wanted that fingers on me instead of that stupid book? The truth is, I have no idea what that book is about. But Izzy likes it. And that's all I needed to know.

Remember the time when Izzy got a bad stomachache? That was me, Jace. And that was the day after she asked you out. I love her, but love, after all, is all about selfishness just like anything else. I recall you dozing off on the chair beside her bed that night. You whispered her name. Izzy, Izzy, Izzy... Can you whisper mine, Jace?

I know I was stupid, Jace. I know I was stupid for letting Simon get to me. I wanted to see the look on your face when I kissed him. Did you smile because you wanted to? Or did you smile because of the same reason I smile for you and Izzy? I can still hear you screaming my name as you barged into the room. The room that consumed everything. I begged you not to call the police. You beat the shit out of him instead. Do you know how many times I convinced myself that the reason you were so angry was because you were jealous? But little did I know.

I remember when I tried to kiss you. I was so happy when I heard you bought the tickets for me. Too happy. I'm sorry that I was being so stupid. I'm sorry that I leaned into you. I'm sorry that I felt sparks against your lips. You thought it was just a stupid joke and pushed me away playfully. But Jace, the million little pieces of my barely beating heart proved you wrong.

Sometimes, I compare us to Romeo and Juliet. The tragic story of two lovers who couldn't be together. But I do know, Jace. Romeo and Juliet isn't about unrequited love.

Everynight, when the darkness consumes me, you come for me. I confessed my feelings for you last night, Jace. I felt you kiss me, and you embraced me. But Jace, my dear Jace. Why do you have to run away from me when the morning sunlight pours over me? Why do you have to disappear into the thin air, leaving me alone as soon as my eyes open. Don't hide, Jace. You don't need to. I'll always love you.

Tell Izzy I'm sorry. Tell her I'm sorry for all the things I've thought. If I write all the horrible things I've thought about her, you'll hate me forever.

The fall. The most beautfiul season just like I said earlier. But do you know, Jace? The world always manages to bring on the winter. Just a few seconds of the golden glory, and there comes the cold. So many countless times I've spent, shivering on the floor and watching the golden leaves fallen on the ground. They will soon crumble away. It's inevitable. I know that. But I always cling onto them with my life.

This letter too, will stay in my trash can just like any of my others. Never sent. Never read. But does it matter, Jace. What's the difference between your trash can and mine? Always packed in my memory, always locked in even though there is no lock at all.

Why you, Jace? There are so many boys in this world. Why you? Why my bestfriend's Jace? The world is so twisted. Too much emotion. Too much hatred, love, jealousy, and passion.

So please, Jace. Tell me when the howling winter passes. Tell me when the hopeful spring passes. Tell me when the enchanting summer passes. Tell me when the fall is here. The fall that wouldn't last for long. But I still wait for it, Jace. I still wait for it although I know that even in fall, it'll always be you and my bestfriend.

Sincerely, Clary.