Dearie
Dearie
by Zelly

Disclaimer: All characters here are © Bandai/Sunrise. You know the drill. Yay.
Warnings: angst, sap, shoujoai, implied shounenai/yaoi

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I guess I should've known from the start. I was probably blind to anything else, I guess. Love does that to you. At least, I know that it did it to me.

And I'm selfish. When I first found out about His newfound lover, the first emotion that ran through my mind was confusion. Not jealousy, or anger, or tears; no, those came later. At first, I was just confused. Every signal I got from Him, I always thought it was for me. Every time He smiled at me, or worried almost obsessively over keeping me out of harm's way, or teased me, I thought there had to be something there. At least SOMETHING. In all the time we lived together, worked together, even slept in the same BED together, nothing happened. We hadn't even kissed. I thought He was just being a gentleman or—maybe—shy. I thought He just wanted to look out for me again, and didn't want to hurt me somehow and cause me to leave them. That's what I always thought it was. That's why I'm selfish.

Now I know, though. Now I know that He wasn't trying to be gentlemanly. He didn't do anything because He wasn't attracted to me.

And who would be, was the single thought that ran through my mind, as I sat here alone staring up at the sky.

I was looking at the stars. Even from a dirty, desolate colony like this one, I could still see them. I remember being nothing more than a small child, and gazing up at the vast darkness above me. I remember wondering how many there truly were. I tried counting them, once, when I was a child. I gave up after a few minutes. There's just too many to be counted, and every second I'm sure another star is born.

I was looking up at the stars, and thinking, as I heard the crowds around me gradually diminish. Ever since the War had ended, ever since I found out about His new lover, I found myself returning to the Circus more and more. I don't know why. Perhaps I needed something to make me laugh again, something to bring back the joy I felt in my heart whenever He was around. Or perhaps I needed something to keep me preoccupied, since He always took up much of my time.

I heard the sound of footsteps across grass. They were coming closer to me, but I didn't turn around. It was probably just someone else walking away from the tent.

"Hey."

I turned then, and noticed for the first time that the grounds were completely empty. Everyone had either gone home or, like the performers, back to their trailers. I glanced around, but I didn't move from my spot. Nor did I turn to the owner of the voice.

More footsteps approaching, and then there was a creak beside me as the figure joined me in sitting on the crate. I turned to look at who it was. It was a girl, with soft grey eyes and curly autumn hair. She didn't look to be much older than my age, which was seventeen, but her figure was more slender and feminine. She was clad in a rather skimpy costume, which I immediately recognized as one of the performers' onstage.

"Hi," I said and shrugged. I didn't know what else I was supposed to say.

The girl laughed, twisting a lock of hair around one long finger. "Whatcha doin'?"

I smiled. "Looking up at the stars."

She glanced up at the sky for a minute. "It's late, though. Don't you have a home to go to?"

"Sort of." Yeah, I'd rather be at home in my messy, lonely apartment instead of out here, surrounding by cool air and grass and the smell of animals. "I can't see them at home."

"Hmmm…" She studied my face for a moment, then her face broke out into a smile. "Hey, I see you here a lot. I know you, don't I?"

"I don't think you do," I said quietly.

"Oh. You look familiar somehow though. I mean it." She continued to watch me. "You seem down. What's the matter?"

I stretched my limbs, and yawned. "I'm just having love problems."

She chuckled softly. "Aren't we all, dearie." She grinned. "So what's yours?"

"The guy I'm in love with is gay and engaged," I replied. I felt my face burn. It was something that felt like a dagger in my heart, but telling it to her just felt like a foolish highschool girl talking about a break-up.

"So is my little brother."

Everything was still, until she broke the silence with her laughter. "Oh no, I hope he's not the one you're talking about. Or even worse, the one your man is engaged to!"

I didn't know whether to laugh, cry, or scream. I just stared at her, stunned. "I—umm…what's his name?"

She cocked her head. "Trowa. You know him?"

I nearly drowned in the relief that washed over me. Trowa. That was the man that was engaged to whatsisname—Quatre—right? I burst out laughing. And we all know that laughter is contagious, because pretty soon, she was laughing too.

I wiped a tear from my eye. "No--" I giggled. "No, I know the guy he's engaged to. He's…a friend of a friend. Damn, you really scared me there for a second!"

"I'm sorry," she giggled, muffled by her covering her mouth with both hands. "The world's just full of hot gay guys, isn't it?"

I laughed again. "What did you do when you—found out?" I quickly blushed. "Err…sorry if that was personal."

"It's okay." She grinned for a few seconds, then grew serious. "Well—I guess—when he first came to stay at the Circus with us, I had a crush on him. I mean, anyone would at a first glance, he's just sooo adorable!" She smiled. "But after a while, it wasn't that anymore. After he tried to commit suicide, I felt the need to protect him. That was when I realized that although I did indeed love him, it was really a different kind of love."

I nodded.

"A long time ago, my real brother was killed when our carriage caught fire. Or—rather—he was missing. He was thrown off onto the side and we never saw him again. I was too young to remember, but I heard about it. When I found out what had happened, I felt empty inside. I had a little brother out there, somewhere. I thought about how different life would've been if he were with me. I realized that when Trowa came, he filled in that emptiness. I didn't feel complete because I was in love with him. I felt complete because I really had a little brother of my own.

"I was always worried about him when he went off to fight. I didn't want to lose him at all. Even though I had faith in him, I was still afraid he was going to die somehow. When he came back to the circus, not remembering much save for his name, I knew that he had to stay with us for the rest of his life. If he didn't remember the Gundams, he wouldn't have to go back to them and fighting, right?" I nodded again. "I tried my best to keep him from remembering. It was a very difficult time for us both, especially him. Poor thing…he wasn't cold-hearted and bratty like the Trowa we all remembered. He was sweet and gentle. He even called me 'Nee-san'." A faint smile touched her painted lips. "But he was so vulnerable. He had nightmares, past visions of what were really memories…although I didn't want him to know that. He often broke down because he was just so frustrated at not being able to recall anything, and he would have these cold sweating fits where he couldn't stop shaking…" She shook her head. "I'm sorry, you asked me a simple question and here I am giving you our life story."

"It's all right." I smiled. "More time I get to spend being here." Where the Hell did that come from, I thought.

To my surprise, her smile grew a little wider and a faint rouge that I knew wasn't her make-up tinged her cheeks. "Okay—umm…thanks…" She laughed softly.

"I was always the one to take care of him. I wanted to shelter him from his past as much as I could. But of course, I couldn't do that. And eventually the inevitable happened—he went back.

"He returned to stay, once, when the War was over. Then he went off again when the Barton family—which I just knew couldn't be related to him—tried to set off Operation Meteor or whatever it was. Something like that. I can't quite remember. All that it mattered to me was that I couldn't see my baby anymore. When he came back after it was over, and those damned Gundams were finally obliterated, I thought to myself, there's no way I'm letting him go again. No more wars, ever. He's not leaving. But then I noticed that he had changed. He was smiling. Not those shy smiles that he always showed me, but a real smile! And his eyes weren't dead anymore. They were completely alive. I was shocked. So I asked him what had happened, why he looked so different…

"…and he looked at me. He looked at me with those beautiful green eyes of his, and his smile grew. Then he held up his hand, to show me the ring, and said, 'Nee-san, I'm getting married.'"

Her eyes were full of tears, and a few of them were starting to run down her cheeks, but she was smiling. I reached over and took her hand. I remember how soft and warm it felt. She squeezed mine back. "So that's when I realized…that maybe if we weren't bound by blood, he was still my little brother. And I was happy when I had to let him go, because I knew he was still warm and safe and loved. Even if it wasn't because of me."

She wiped her tears away with the fingers of her free hand, and laughed. "And now, dearie, you've hopefully realized two things. If you truly love someone, then be happy that they will still be there to smile for you. Even if you aren't the cause, you will be. Because you're setting them free."

For a while, we just sat there in silence, holding hands. I let her words sink into me. As I mulled back over His new relationship, His new engagement that seemed so similar to the one this girl told, I realized that perhaps I had been wrong in trying to hold onto something that wasn't there. Perhaps He really did just think of me as a little sister, and that was why He couldn't love me the way I wanted to.

I broke the quiet. "What was the second thing?"

Her face broke out into another broad smile. "Never ask me a question that seems simple, because you'll get an answer that's definitely far from it." We both laughed together, before she looked at her watch and sighed wistfully. "It's getting late."

"Yeah, it is." I stood up, and she followed suit. "By the way…I never got your name."

She looked at me, stunned, then we both broke out into laughter again. "I'm Cathrine Bloom. What's your name?"

"Hilde Schbeiker." I shook her hand before—reluctantly—letting go.

"Well, Hilde, it's very nice to meet you."

I don't keep journals, because I can't write as fast as I think. I try to keep everything up here, inside my head. But it's been three years today since my own marriage, and I decided that I don't ever want to forget this meeting. Perhaps one day, when I'm old, I'll show this to my children, or maybe even my grandchildren. Perhaps I'll show it to loveless fools, who don't know that a chance meeting could change your entire life forever.

If I had never met Cathy, perhaps I wouldn't have realized how foolish I was acting. So I thank her, especially, for helping me realize, and I wish all the best of luck to the two most beautiful men in all the colonies: Duo and Heero Maxwell. I also wish the rest of my luck to Trowa and Quatre Barton.

I also pledge my heart, soul, and all my love, as I have millions of times before, to my beautiful wife. I love you eternally.

Best wishes,
Hilde Bloom