I'm not joking, I thought this up while laying in bed at 3am. I don't know what I'm doing. I just wanted to write an Avengers fic and thought I could handle actually finishing something if it had short chapters. So, yeah. Phil's a bunny. I apologize.

There once was a rabbit named Coulson.

Well, that's not completely true. Because the rabbit's name was Phillip, which he felt was a ridiculous name for a rabbit; Coulson was much more professional, indeed.

Actually, none of that is true. Because Coulson the rabbit was not really a rabbit.

He could not recall exactly when or where it had been, but once upon a time, Coulson (Phillip) the rabbit (not a rabbit) had been a man. Coulson didn't remember much about his time as a man. Sometimes he had vague feelings of wrongness when he found himself so close to the ground, and he occasionally woke up wondering why he was so acutely aware of his ears. But then he would feel a warm spring breeze or spot a particularly appetizing piece of greenery and all thoughts of Phillip-the-not-rabbit flew from his mind.

Coulson was a handsome rabbit. In fact, he would even go as far as to call himself dashing. He was rather small and had plush white fur that offset his grey ears, feet and mask. While most other rabbits liked to compliment his drooping lop ears, Coulson was prouder of the neat little grey marking on his chest. It made him feel professional.

While Coulson could not remember his time as a man (but he was sure that at one point, he had been one; why else would a rabbit know what meat tasted like?), he could recall every single moment of his existence as a rabbit. And it had been a long one, for you see, Coulson the rabbit was immortal.

He had traveled the world (as immortal rabbits are wont to do) and had seen everything a man or rabbit could ever hope to see. He had seen war and death and golden ages and splendors both man-made and natural that were beyond compare.

And he was lonely.

Everywhere he went there were other rabbits. Some were fearful of him, which was to be expected – rabbits are indeed some of the most fearful creatures in the world, and they know when a rabbit is not a rabbit. Some were in awe of him, of his age and intelligence. Some simply chose to ignore him, the anomaly that he was.

But those rabbits did not understand him. Despite the best efforts of Coulson's rabbity mind, he could not bring himself to stoop to the intelligence levels of his fellow leporids. He did not want their fear, or their fawning admiration. He most especially did not want their offers to bare his children; Coulson was a busy rabbit, and did not have time to raise a litter of kits nor the inclination to do so.

Coulson often found himself lonesome, treated as an outcast for his history and abilities if he was not himself disconcerted by his peers. It did not matter; none of them could keep up with him, with his hopping speed and brilliant mind. It would not do to get attached when he would only outlive them all, anyway.

And so Coulson lived a lone existence apart from any true companionship, until one day he had an ingenious idea (typical of immortal rabbits): Coulson, in all of his wisdom and endless age, was the perfect bodyguard. And his fluffy fur and unassuming demeanor made him attractive to humans, the perfect friend.

Suddenly, Coulson knew what his calling was, why he existed as an immortal rabbit: he was to become the companion and protector of children in need.

Now, if he could only find a child to adopt.