Thieves on the Jolly Roger
Disclaimer: We do not own Peter Pan or any of the other characters, nor do we own the Jolly Roger, as much as we'd both like to have a pirate ship. We do own Twitchy and Small Fry, and the plot.
Authors' Notes: This fic has been co-authored by FlyingFish15 and Blu Embyr. We're out to cause trouble and mayhem, mischief and chaos, doom and destruction—well, maybe not those last two, but close enough. Any questions? We hope you find this amusing, it was written under the influence of stale marshmallow bunnies left over from Easter, so god only knows how insane this is. Enjoy!
Captain Hook stood on the deck of the Jolly Roger, admiring the deep reds of the sunset. The blood red colors matched his clothes perfectly. For once the weather was nice, and the day had been very calm. The only event of note was that Smee had shot at the ship's parrot, but that wasn't anything new. Hook straightened his hat as a slight breeze threatened to steal the fluffy red feather that decorated its top, and then, for lack of intelligent people to hold a conversation with, he strode toward his cabin, intending to compose a new song for him to play on his harpsichord. He flung open the door, took a step inside, and then came to an abrupt halt as a bizarre sight met his eyes. He stared. Two barefoot teenage girls were over by his desk, rooting through the drawers and the overflowing treasure chest sitting on top of it. The tall girl had long brown hair and was wearing blue pants cut off below her knee and a dark green spaghetti strap shirt. The shorter one was blond, and was wearing a black shirt and long blue pants. She was also soaking wet. The sight was so strange and unexpected that Captain Hook blurted out the first thing that came to his mind.
"What're you doing in my cabin?" Captain James Hook asked.
The brown haired girl jumped when she heard his voice, but the blond ignored him.
"Nothing," the brown haired girl said quickly, hiding a handful of necklaces and coins behind her back.
"Just ho hum stealing from you. Again." The short blond girl replied, her hands elbow deep in a chest of jewelry. She turned her back on him and faced her friend, holding up a sparkling necklace. "Oh look at this one, Twitchy, it matches your shirt. And it's sparkly!"
"Shut up," the tall girl—Twitchy? Why is her name Twitchy? Captain Hook thought that was what the blond had called her—whispered out of the side of her mouth.
"Why should I? He's standing all the way over there! Now let's see what else we can steal—"
Captain Hook quickly recovered from his initial shock—well, mostly. So he blurted out the second thing that came to his mind. "How did you get on board my ship?" he demanded.
"Swam." The blond said, gesturing over her shoulder at an open window and then retuning to dig through the chest of jewelry. Captain Hook saw there was a puddle on the floor below the window and a set of wet footprints leading over to where the blond girl was standing. "Actually, we had a raft, but I fell in and swam. Your towels are all wet now, but I must say, they're nice and fluffy. At least when they're not wet."
Captain Hook glared and slammed the door and locked it. Twitchy, who hadn't moved since he'd appeared, jumped at the loud sound and then stared at him. Hook wondered if her jumpiness had contributed to her rather unusual name.
"Small Fry, I think we're going to die if you don't shut up." Twitchy said, tapping the blond on the shoulder.
Small Fry? Captain Hook thought, what a strange name. Though it probably has something to do with her height.
"Why? We only used his towels and started taking stuff from him. And I dripped water on the floor. Hmm, that's probably not too good for the wood floor, huh?"
"Small Fry, SHUT UP!" Twitchy yelled.
As any self respecting pirate captain would do if he found two strange teenage girls with even stranger names ransacking his cabin, Captain Hook decided a display of righteous fury followed by murder would be the proper course of action.
"Do you know what I do to thieves? I gut them with my hook!" he shouted, menacingly brandishing his hook in the girls' direction as he advanced towards them, "And then I string their innards across the rigging for the gulls to peck at!" Hook was certain his blue eyes were flecked with the red spots that always appeared when he was angry.
"Oh no you won't," the tall girl said. She was the very image of confidence, despite the fact that she was only separated from him by the desk, and his hook was less than a foot from her head.
"And why not?" Hook thundered, drawing himself up to his tall and formidable height.
"Because I'm a lady, that's why," she said, making a neat, skirt-less curtsey.
Ah, now, that is a problem, the Captain thought, lowering his iron hook. Then something occurred to him. "Ladies don't steal," he said, smiling sinisterly.
"Who said anything about both of us being ladies?" Small Fry asked, "I'm not. But don't get your hopes up. I seriously doubt any of your pirates would care for the job of stringing my innards through the rigging, and I happen to know that even if they did it, my guts would be in their way when you try to change the sails."
"Then I'll cut out your hearts with my sword!" he said, drawing his blade with a flourish.
"Bad form, Captain," Twitchy said, "How could you even think of doing that to a lady like myself? And besides, neither of us are armed. That's not fair. And I thought you were a gentleman."
"I am a gentleman—except to thieves!" Captain Hook snarled. But he knew Twitchy was right, so he reluctantly put away his sword.
"We're not thieves because we're not really stealing. We're borrowing without asking." Small Fry said.
"That's the same thing!" Hook shouted, banging his fist down on the desk. As he had half expected, Twitchy jerked with surprise.
"No, it's not. Borrowing means we intend to return the items in the future," Small Fry explained. She admired her reflection in a small mirror before slipping it into her pocket. "However distant that future might be."
Hook thought for a moment. "Ah, but you haven't returned the things you stole before, now have you? I shan't be a gentleman to you if you never return what you borrow." In truth, Hook had no recollection of anything missing from his cabin, let alone that they had been on board before. Besides the fact that the "Small Fry" had mentioned partaking of his justly-stolen loot.
"Hey, aren't you listening? She stole last time, and she's not returning those things to you because she didn't borrow them." Twitchy said, sneakily swiping a gilded compass off the table behind her.
"So, by your conditions, now you have to be a gentleman. Since I didn't borrow it, I don't have to return it!" Small Fry said triumphantly.
"Yes, but you're both stealing now!"
"Don't you remember, we're borrowing without asking!" Twitchy exclaimed in exasperation.
"Yes, but Small Fry is still a thief! She's stolen from me before!" Hook growled.
"I'm not a thief because you don't know what I've taken." Small Fry stated calmly.
"But you've admitted to stealing!"
"So? Perhaps I was bluffing to throw you off the scent."
"If you were bluffing, there would have been discrepancies in our arguments before!"
"He's got a point you know….." Twitchy stated.
"Not if we rehearsed it." Small Fry said, grasping at straws, as well as a gold letter opener sitting on Hook's desk.
"Why would you rehearse a conversation if you didn't plan on being caught?" Hook asked in confusion. All this twisted logic was tying him up in knots.
"How do you know we didn't plan on being caught?" Twitchy asked, her hands on her hips and a smile plastered on her face. Hook contemplated this new tidbit of information for a while. Well, they haven't tried to run away yet, Hook thought, perplexed.
"But why would thieves —er, borrowers— want to be caught?" Hook asked, truly curious. The girls looked at each other for a moment.
"Because I want to borrow something from you." Twitchy said. Hook nearly slapped himself in frustration, they were right back where they started.
"What do you want to borrow?" Captain Hook sighed wearily.
"Well…" Twitchy slowly walked around the desk. She stopped a few inches away from him, her hands behind her back, looking very coy, "Could I whisper it in your ear?"
Intrigued, Hook nodded.
Twitchy leaned forward, so close he could feel her breath on his cheek, "I'd like to borrow your…HAT!" she exclaimed.
Before Hook could move, Twitchy deftly swiped his hat, fluffy red feather and all. She put it on her own head and then ran around to the other side of the desk, where she struck a noble pose.
"Twitchy, thou art a scallywag," Small Fry said approvingly.
"Why thank you, dearest." Twitchy proclaimed, sweeping off her—HIS, Hook though furiously—hat and making an elegant bow.
"Give my hat back!" Captain Hook roared, stalking toward the tall girl.
Twitchy jumped and then blinked at him, looking a bit shocked at his outburst. "Of course I will. I said I was only borrowing it from you. There's no reason to be angry with me." She held it out to him.
Hook could have slapped himself for his own stupidity, but he took the hat. After he removed a long brown piece of hair clinging to the brim, he settled it back on his head. Now that he had regained his dignity he drew himself up to his full height and smoothed his clothes down. He forced himself to speak in a much calmer voice.
"Since we have established that, ah, Twitchy is not a thief, and is merely borrowing things, and that you, Small Fry are also a borrower this time around, may I inquire as to what you stole from me last time? I only want to know if I am justified in considering you the worst kind of thief, as I currently do."
"I hardly stole a trifle. You'd never miss it." Small Fry said, grinning.
"But what did you steal?" Hook asked.
"Exactly what she said she did," Twitchy said, "She stole half a trifle."
"Yesterday your ship was so close to shore I smelled the trifle sitting on your dinner table, so before you came in for dinner, I crawled in the window and took part of it." Small Fry explained.
"You stole food?" Hook asked in disbelief, "You stole food, when I have all these jewels sitting around?"
Small Fry nodded. "All Twitchy can cook is burned toast, and I think you'll understand when I say it's not very nourishing. Especially considering the fact I won't eat it."
"Oh," Hook said, blinking, "I thought all girls were good cooks."
"What a horrible, stereotypical thing to say!" Twitchy exclaimed, putting her hands on her hips, "The reason I can't cook is because I run around playing sports and doing boy things, because they're fun! Who wants to be stuck in a kitchen all day?"
"True enough," Hook agreed. Then something else occurred to him, "If Small Fry stole food last time, why are you both borrowing my jewelry?"
"So we could trade it with the Indians to get food, and then steal your jewelry from them. Then we'd have food, and could return your jewelry." Small Fry explained, "So if you don't mind, we'll be going now—"
"Oh no you won't!" Captain Hook blocked their way to the window. He was slightly pleased to see that the two girls were looking a bit nervous, especially Twitchy, who had flinched at his suddenly raised voice. "I have a better idea." Hook said quietly.
Twitchy and Small Fry eyed him warily. "What is it?" Small Fry asked.
"Would you consider accepting an invitation to join me for dinner this evening? The invitation stands providing you return my belongings now," Hook said. He hoped they would accept. It would be a nice change to have some intelligent, clever people to talk to. The other pirates, sadly, were all muscle and no brains, and the lot of them couldn't produce a single original thought if their lives depended on it.
The girls looked at each other and suddenly smiled. "Yes!" they shouted in unison, dumping the jewels in their pockets onto his desk.
Hook smiled. "Just don't get any ideas about borrowing or stealing my silverware."
"Don't worry, you're safe from us and our twisted logic—for now." Twitchy grinned.
"Do you really think this wise, girls, dining with a pirate?" Hook asked, mischievously.
They shrugged. "You're not just any pirate, you're Captain Hook." The blond said.
"And a gentleman." Twitchy elaborated.
"Flattery will get you everywhere." Captain Hook said with a smile.
"Including getting us some good food!" Small Fry replied.
Authors' Notes: Hope you enjoyed! This is probably a one shot, unless we receive an inordinate amount of reviews and ideas, hint hint. Please review, it makes us happy!