"Wish I could get a little un-drunk so I could un-call you. At five in the morning, I would un-fuck you."- Undrunk, Fletcher
Aaron Hotchner is a stupid, stupid man.
Correction- his drunk self is a stupid, stupid man and now he might have lost himself the best thing in his entire life, the only thing that brought him joy besides his son.
When Emily had been the only girl who filled his bed when he got too drunk, he would have said his drunk self was the smartest man, but now his drunk self had brought a knock off version of her that came nowhere close to the quick witted, too hot to handle, brilliant minded brunette that he was in love with. And Emily would never forgive him for the words he said to her last night, especially since they were drunken words said with the team too close to them. The only way she was ok with their friends with benefits type routine working was for the team to not know. But after last night- there was no way they didn't know now.
"Hey, you're up." The smile in her voice made him feel sick. Her voice's pitch was all wrong. What they did was all wrong. She was all wrong.
"Get out." Her whole body stiffens at the harshness of his voice.
"One night only. Heard chef." Her voice harshly states as she climbs out of bed to grab her clothes and leave the room without much else said in passing. Aaron grabs a pair of pants to throw on and shrugs on a t-shirt. He has to see Emily before they have to get on the jet. Maybe, maybe he can make her see that there was no way in hell he meant what his drunken lips said. Counting the doors, he makes his way to the room where he had found a less than sober Emily on a few nights prior. His fist pounds quickly on the door and prays that Emily will open the door.
"Go away Hotch." The voice on the other side of the door, tells him that he's got an uphill battle in front of him as it's not even Emily telling him to go away, but Derek Morgan. He's not surprised in the least that she'd call her best guy friend based off of what he said to her, but he hoped he would at least get a chance to explain that he didn't mean his drunken words.
"Emily, please talk to me."
"She doesn't want to talk to Hotch. She's not even here." Aaron only has a few guesses before he'll have to give up and go back to pack up his own room, but if Morgan is packing up her room, then he can hope that Morgan is letting her crash in his room while he helps her. Aaron sprints down to the other end of the hallway and pounds on the door.
"Emily!"
"Go away." Her voice is quiet, but harsh.
"Em, please, let me explain."
"Some things you can't unsay Hotch." His ears are pressed against the door to try and hear anything and everything that leaves her mouth now.
"Emily, I didn't mean it."
"You seemed to mean it last night."
"Emily, open the door please." He whispers the words against the door, but knows she will hear them. The door swings open and a bare faced, tear stained Emily stares at him. "Emily." He longs to pull her into his arms, but he can read clearly that that's the last place she wants to be. His arms, having their own agenda, reach for her, but she puts an arm out, keeping him away from her.
"If only you could be as good in bed as you are in the field."
"Emily I didn't mean it."
"I think you did." The tight mock smile on her face is so foreign to Aaron. "You said it and then found a better version of me and took her to bed. That doesn't seem like you didn't mean it. You outed us to the entire team, but also told me you weren't happy with my performance. Hotch, I get it. You want something different, something happier, brighter, cherrier that someone on this team, so if that's the case than go on, I'm not going to try and stop you. I'll move on too."
"I was drunk off my ass Emily. I didn't mean a word I said! I didn't mean to sleep with anyone besides you last night. And I definitely wasn't unhappy with you. I'm in love with you." Emily stares at him, not believing a word that leaves his mouth.
"If that were true Hotch, you have the funniest way of showing it." Her gaze drops to the ground. "I need some time away from, uh, this." She motions to them. "Whatever it was." She inhales deeply. "I've requested some time off and it's already been approved."
"How- Garcia?" Emily shakes her head. "Strauss?" Emily nods, almost apprehensively. "You went above me?"
"You wouldn't have approved it. I need away from you."
"So what you called Strauss and said I need a break from my fuck buddy?" The anger enters his voice before he has the chance to stop it.
"See this, this is the reason we're over." Emily goes to shut the hotel door and Aaron tries to stop it from shutting.
"Em, wait I'm sorry."
"I'm not. We're done Aaron." Hearing his first name drops his heart down to his stomach. He's ruined everything.
It wasn't until he gets on the jet again that he sees her again. He won't have any chance to try and correct anything. The team is on her side- and after hearing what he said coming from her lips, he's not surprised why. But to see her cornered into the four seats by JJ, Morgan, and Reid so that he can't even attempt to talk to her again tells him to give it up until later. He watches her the whole way home, and can see just how upset she is. Even if he hadn't been sleeping with her, anyone on the team would have been able to notice the change in Emily. How quiet she was, the downward angle of her eyes, the lack of starting jokes or conversations. And he knows that without the chance to talk with her, he's going to lose her. She's taking time when they land and who's to say how she will be when she comes back?
Will she come back?
Did he fuck things up that badly? Would Emily risk leaving the BAU because of what happened between them? No, he wasn't that special and he knows she wouldn't leave her dream job just because his actions and his stupid, drunken mouth had broken her heart.
Turns out it doesn't matter how much time apart she had, she never came back to him. She found comfort in other men that while she never found love, she found a lightness that hadn't been a part of her drunken office romance.
"Hotch?" Dark eyes find his lighter, yet drunker ones.
"Emily who's at the door?"
"It's Hotch, my boss?" Emily's voice comes across unsure to this man who Aaron has never met of how to explain her relationship with Aaron.
"Why's he here at 5 am babe?" Emily's eyes find Aaron's and she's almost looking to ask him the same question.
"Babe?" Aaron slurs out.
"He's drunk?" The blonde at her side questions Aaron's appearance.
"Appears so. Hotch, why are you here?" Emily's almost worried what Drunk Aaron's answer will be now.
"You're here."
"So mate?" Kade asks, fed up that Emily's boss was imposing on their couple time.
"So mate, I'm always to follow Emily to the end of the earth. I love her." Kade reaches to shove Aaron backwards but Emily pulls her boyfriend away from hurting Aaron.
"Kade, he's drunk. He doesn't know what he's saying."
"He just said he loveSSS you. As in present tense!" Kade's temper is jumping through the roof.
"And you're not going to ask what I think of anything?" Emily asks calmly, knowing that it only mattered to her what she thinks of the whole situation.
"Emily, if the man who broke your heart still loves you are you seriously going to tell me that you wouldn't go back to him?"
"You know what's even more unattractive though? Someone who's clearly jealous of someone who broke my heart."
"But he-"
"I don't care what he said when he's drunk Kade."
"Em-"
"Shut it Hotch. You say the most idiotic things when your drunk so I couldn't care less what you say, but I'm not going to let someone on my team wander the streets when their trashed. Now if you're going to stay jealous, you can walk out that door Kade." Emily, turns away from the door and the boy standing in front of it. If she loses another person then so be it, but she's learned what she needs from a relationship and if Kade can't provide it than so be it. The slam of the door rattles the drunk on her couch but not Emily. She goes and grabs a glass from by her sink and fills it with water. As much as she wants to poor herself a shot, she knows right now staying sober will keep her from making the bad decisions that got her heart broken in the first place. Hotch might be telling her that he's in love with her now, but his drunken words of months prior told her that she was better in the field than in bed and that still stung, no matter how much time had passed since then.
"Emily, I'm sorry."
"It's not the end of the world Hotch. Here." Passing the glass of water to him, she can't help but stare at the man that she shared a bed with at one point in time, even if that felt centuries away.
"Not for him. I don't care about that mate." Aaron gulps down a third of the glass after making fun of her now ex-boyfriend again. "I'm sorry about that night." He may be drunk but he still regrets that one line that came out wrong when they were on a case all those weeks ago.
"Hotch, let's not and say we did."
"Emily, please. Let me tell you what I was trying to say that night?" Against her best bet, she lets her heart win against her head.
"Fine."
"I was trying to say I wish you were as good in the field as you were in bed. It was supposed to be a compliment. As shitty as it was going to come across either way. But what didn't come out wrong was that I love you Emily. I'll always love you. That's never going to change and I'm so sorry that I hurt you with drunken words and actions."
"You're still drunk Hotch. Let's get you on the couch. You're going to have a killer hangover in the morning."
"Mkayy." In her mind, she's transported back many moons ago. Back to those nights when he used to fall drunken into her bed, into her arms. When he didn't take a second-hand brunette into his. His hand pulls hers towards him and she finds herself sitting on the arm of the couch near where he's laying across the seats. Her fingers work their way into his hair just like old times, and for a moment, it's almost like nothing had fallen apart. "Mmmm Em." Her name across his lips causes her to stop.
"What are you doing?" She asks herself before forcing herself to go to her own room, leaving the man who will probably always have a piece of her heart crashed on her couch.
Drunk Aaron Hotchner was going to be the death of him. Because this hangover is killer. And sleeping on a couch was never good for his back- hold on. This isn't his apartment. He knows this apartment and knows it fairly well from too many nights stumbling in drunk and leaving before his hangover had time to fade. This was Emily's apartment. Suddenly everything comes rushing back to him. All of the words from last night between them, the moment where he finally got the chance to explain his drunken words that had ruined his life by sending her into other men's arms.
Forcing himself off the couch and into the shower, it almost felt like old routines, even though it had been months since he had been in her apartment. When he gets out of the warm stream, he dries off before dressing in yesterday's clothing. He could still smell the bar on them and he couldn't wait to get clean ones from his apartment, but he was willing to wait for clean clothing if it meant getting to have Emily in his life again for even a few more moments.
"I'm betting you could use coffee right about now?" Her voice catches him off guard and she's holding a cup to him. "I'm not going to throw it at you. It's just coffee."
"Thanks. For everything. For not kicking me out, for listening, but especially for this." He takes the first sip and smiles into the mug ever so slightly.
"Feels like old times almost? Only thing missing is the sex." Emily's tone isn't quite joking, but casual enough for him to want to offer that he would be willing to live up to that part of old times, but he had a feeling Emily would throw him out if he did.
"Yeah, almost like old times." He's still hesitant, feeling like there is something Emily isn't saying that's almost crowding the space between them.
"I'm not going to yell or get angry Hotch. What happened is in the past and I had to accept that what happened was us falling apart."
"But Emily-"
"I don't want to rehash it, or argue it out again. We imploded." She shrugs as she takes a sip of her coffee.
"Emily, if I could go back to that night and stay completely sober I would have."
"And if I could unlove you I would do that but we can't undo everything." Her words cut into him, but he won't let that stop him from fighting for her.
"But Emily I still love you, that hasn't changed." Aaron feels like he's pleading for her to love him back.
"But Hotch, I love myself more than to allow myself to love you anymore." A tight smile appears on her lips. "We were friends with benefits that developed feelings we shouldn't have because it ended up hurting both of us. Maybe we can scratch and claw our way back to being friends again one day, but I think we just need to focus on not showing up on the other person's doorstep when we're drunk. It's not a healthy relationship of any kind to only be friends of any kind when we're drunk only."
"Emily, I meant it last night when I said I will follow you to the ends on the earth."
"Don't. Because in a few months, I'm leaving the FBI. And it will be much harder for you to end up at my doorstep drunk."
"What?"
"This has been coming for a while but I've been asked to run my own office in London by Interpol and I'm taking the offer."
"You're leaving me?"
"No, I'm leaving for me." And Aaron knows that his heart will never recover from knowing that he had hurt the girl he loved so much that she needed to move from what had been her dream job to be able to move on completely. His heart would always be hers, but he could see the decision was already made in her mind.
"Nothing is going to change your-"
"Garcia already saw the paperwork in the system. She's was going to stop it but I told her how much I need this. To move on to something that doesn't have memories of the shrapnel of us in-bedded in it."
"They'll be lucky to have you Em."
"Thanks." Emily takes a gulp of her own cup of coffee letting the deafening silence hang in the air. Neither of them knew what to say to each other. One wanting to move on to something different to learn how to un-love the other, the other wanting to grab on and never let them go, but knowing he has to.
Drunken Aaron Hotchner was definitely the stupidest person for losing the best thing in his life. And now sobering up Aaron Hotchner knew the only person he could never forgive was himself for pushing Emily away from him with his drunken words.
"Wish I could get a little un-drunk so I could, I could un-love you"- Undrunk, Fletcher
Author's Note- I don't really know where this story came from, other than hearing this song on the radio and wanting to write a piece based VERY loosely off of it. I will say once I got into writing it I decided to challenge myself into writing a piece that didn't have a happy ending. As a writer, too often I find myself going for the happy ending because GODDAMN IT WE NEVER GOT HOTCHNESS SO I WANT FLUFFY HAPPY ENDINGS EVEN IF I WRITE SOME ANGST. However, I need to challenge myself to go for the stuff that makes my writing grow so this ending has been rewitten so many times in the past 48 hours and the conversation was so hard not to just spin and have them kiss and make up because I just want happy Hotchness! But I think I'm happy where this ended and I don't think this will become anything else. Who knows though. Let me know your thoughts on it.-Lizzy