He has been patiently waiting for over an hour to do this. Let's roll, Jimeh!
Things in bold are authors notes.
An Interview with Ed and Al
James: *drinks tea* Fetch me Ed and Al.
Me: They're already here.
Al: We've been here for over ten minutes.
Ed: She made us read that crap story of hers with the teenage investigator.
Me: SHUT UP!
James: I agree.
Al: So, you want to interview us?
James: Apparently.
Me: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "APPARENTLY?" I'M HERE FOR YOU, YOU UNGRATEFUL BRAT!
James: Do you like pandas?
Ed: ...What?
Me: That thing Mei has that you thought was a weird-looking cat. That was a panda.
Al: That cute little thing?
Ed: I HATE THAT FREAKY THING! IT BITES, IT SCRATCHES, AND IT JUST GIVES ME WEIRD LOOKS!
James: Touche
What are you writing?
Eduardo: I suck. *explodes*
Al: YES! ALL YOUR WINRYS ARE BELONG TO US! *implodes*
Winry: *sneezes* I fell as though someonges talking about me.
Okay, give me back the laptop.
Me: I AM INCREDIBLE! I HAVE TELEKEFYKES!
Seriously, I want to write now.
Rin: *dies of heart attack.*
*regains control*
Me: You can't have "incredible" without "ed."
Ed: Damn straight.
James: You can't have "awesome" without "james."
…
Ed: I reckon I could.
Me: I just realised that James asked to do this interview, yet he's only seen fourteen episodes of the anime, and he never read the manga.
James: Damn right.
Al: I've only said two things so far.
James: Let's let Al have a monologue. Maybe a poem.
Al: Oh! I-I didn't mean anything like that. Uh... I like kitties. Kitties are sweet. They're really soft, and-
Ed: They got juicy meat.
Al: THAT'S AWFUL, BROTHER!
Me & James: *slink away*
Ed: You're leaving?
Me: *starts to cry* This is the first time the interview-ee hasn't tried to get rid of us.
Near: Well, you haven't done anything stalker-ish, and he's yet to murder someone.
Me: STOP APPEARING IN ALL MY FANFIC!
James: May as well start now! *pulls out magnum and shoots Near in the head*
Ed: *has traumatising flashback and falls unconscious*
Al: BROTHER!
Me: EDDIE! *falls by his side* DON'T GO INTO THE LIGHT!
James: What is it with Ed and his traumatising backflashes. … I mean flashbacks. *moons us* He just does it for attention. Look! He's looking to see your reactions right now!
Ed: *quickly shuts his eyes*
James: For your punishments, you will be crimed.
?
James: I mean... *moons*
Al: GAH!
Me: No one wants to see that, James.
James: Hapetta does. And my five girlfriends, my wife, and Matt.
He actually does have five girlfriends, a wife... and a Matt. That's just a joke, though. … I hope.
Ed: Are you stealing me shoes?
Me: ...No. ...Not anymore.
James: Caca is poop, ja? *pulls weird face like he just ate a lemon*
He read that as *pulls weird face like he just ate a lemur*
Me: So, Jamie, what do you think of Mustang?
James: He can bite my *censored* Yo mama!
Ed: Amen!
Al: Brother, we owe a lot to him.
Ed: So?
…
Emily: Meow.
Al: Kitty! *shoves her in his armor*
Emily: *climbs out Rambo-style*
Ed: She's got a real creepy look in her eyes.
Me: *shrug* I guess they pushed her too far.
Emily: *nods solemnly*
Me: *pets Emily*
Emily is my cat. ...Just in case you didn't figure it out.
James: You're short, Ed.
Ed: WHO ARE YOU CALLING A MICROSCOPIC INSECT YOU COULD CRUSH UNDER YOUR FOOT?
Al & Me: He didn't say that.
James: It was implied.
Me: Sopl. We should measure you two back to back.
James & Ed: *stand up*
Me: Hm... It's too close to call. You're about the same height.
Ed: And how old are you?
James: Twelve.
Ed: *turns white with shock*
James: *colours him back in with a crayon* All better.
Ed: RAGE QUIT! *leaves*
Me: Where does he think he's gonna go?
James: I wanna hug Al. *hugs Al* I hugged Al. NARRATION!
Ed: I got lost, but I found these cookies.
Me: Share.
Ed: No.
Me: SHARE!
Ed: Eep! *gives up cookies*
Me: If you were to sacrifice Al or Winry, who would it be?
James: Hey! My interview!
Me: But you're not asking any questions. You're just shooting people and making Ed get angry.
Ed: Why do I have to choose?
James: ALCHEMY IS NOT SCIENCE! IT'S SORCERY! LIKE A WOMAN TAKING OFF HER BRA WITHOUT TAKING OFF HER SHIRT! HOW DO THEY DO THAT?
Me: Like this. *produced undergarment*
Ed: *nosebleed*
Al: Alchemy is science.
James: Like hell it is! What kind of whacked out science is that?
Ed: Here's proof. *turns my rug into a teddy bear*
Me: Aw...
James: THAT JUST REINFORCES MY SIDE OF THE ARGUMENT!
Me: You're so closed-minded. In the olden days, they used to call the smart people witches and burn them at the stake.
James: ...So they call it science so they don't get burnt?
Me: That's not what I meant.
James: *claps hands and touches the ground* Teddy. What the hell? And you need the seven circles of hell to make the teddy.
Ed: Not me.
James: SHUT UP! Not only that, there's a magic stone to help produce the teddy! The equivalent exchange thing makes it seem more science-y, but then the Philosopher's Stone just takes that away!
Me: ...He doesn't know what you have to give up to make the stone.
Ed: *has another flashback and passes out again*
James: What do you have to give up? What is it? What do you have to give up? … WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO GIVE UP? *beats me in the back of the head repeatedly* TELL ME! TELL ME! TELL ME! *beats himself in the head* Doesn't actually hurt. But it's annoying. *continues beating me* TELL ME! *hits me on my bruised shoulder*
Me: Ow.
James: *kisses better*
Me: Thank you.
James: *beats it again*
Me: OW!
Ed: *starts twitching in his sleep*
James: WHAT DO THEY HAVE TO GIVE UP? *shakes me by the arm* Give me Google.
Me: No! Go away!
James & Me: *fight for laptop*
James: *presses random buttons with his face*
Al: Do you even need us here for this anymore?
Me: *sniff* It's happening. He wants to leave.
James: I still want to argue the science of alchemy.
Me: You have more points to make?
Arakawa: YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH MY STORY?
James: ...There is a small cow in the house. *retrieves a glass from the kitchen and places it beneath Arakawa's udder*
Arakawa: What are you doing?
James: Produce me a drink.
Me: Sopl.
James: I love the word "produce." It's so big. And it's happy! See? "Pro."
Ed: *regains consciousness*
Arakawa: MY SON! *glomp*
James: I think Arakawa is my favourite character from Fullmetal Alchemist.
Me: She wrote the manga... which you never read...
James: Well, her and Al. Oh, and Gluttony.
Me: He did a quiz that said he was Gluttony.
Al: Cool?
Me: Mine said I was Ed.
Ed: ...I don't know if that's a good thing.
Me: The actual quiz in that book thing... What was it? The character profiles? No, it was something else. Anyway, it was the real deal, and I got Scar. James got Izumi.
James: I disagree.
Ed: I think that's actually a pretty good match.
James: SHUT UP!
Me: You don't even know who Izumi is!
James: I know she screams a lot.
Me: You scream all the time. You throw things at me when I sing!
James: Quit your whining! *throws Al at me*
Al: AAAHHH!
Me: Dead.
James: I'm getting bored. *censored* off.
Ed: You little-
Me: Come on. Let's go have milk and cookies. *picks up Arakawa*
James: No! Arakawa stays. Does Arakawa have an email address? I wanna email her and tell her she's the best thing since sliced bread.
Me: What about Usui?
James: ...Nup. Arakawa beats him.
Arakawa: *cries* I'm so happy to be surrounded by true fans.
Me: He never read the manga, and he's hardly watched the anime.
James: Actually, I wanna watch it now. Actually, I wanted to watch it ages ago. Actually, I said I wanted to watch it ages ago.
Me: Well, I never listen to you.
Al: Hey, we should all watch together.
Ed: Coolio.
Arakawa: Onwards!
Me: Yay!
Al, Ed, Arakawa, and Me: *leaves*
James: My tea is cold. *heats it using alchemy without a circle* I've got the magic in me. Every time I touch that tea it turns into... gold? Bah! I'll leave the parodies to Weird Al.
James: I wanna be in author's notes.
Me: You are in author's notes. Like, right now.
James: That was fast. I just wanna say that Arakawa could kill all other characters just by being in the universe.
Me: I just wanna say that when we see Envy's true form in the manga, you can actually see Arakawa's face on his/her front right leg. Also, I disapprove of Envy's English voice actor. I'm yet to hear the Japanese one, but the English one is too feminine. Just because the gender is unknown does not mean he needs to talk like a tranny!
James: ...He?
Me: Everyone calls him a he.
James: Well, as long as he looks like a girl.
Me: Please don't say things like that.