An Endverse!fic that turned out completely different than I planned. but who cares, honestly.
Enjoy and maybe leave a review if it didn't bother you.
Dean jumped down from the truck and smashed the door behind himself. This mission was a complete disaster since the very beginning. At first they ran into a bunch of Croatoans on a place that should have been safe and lost two people before they gained control over the situation. When they finally reached their destination, their intelligence which seemed to be from a reliable source, proved to be a trap. That led to more fight, blood and death. One of Dean's best people threw himself in front of the leader, taking a bullet originally intended for Winchester. The drive back to the camp was the worst because Chuck, Leenee Wilson and Castiel tried to convince Dean that it wasn't his fault even though it obviously was. Those people were his responsibility; all the standing humans are his responsibility.
Castiel left the passenger's seat reluctantly, as if he didn't wish to follow Dean. Of course he didn't have to, but people would talk if he didn't. Castiel understood the need to stick to customs much more than Dean and thus he knew that it would make the atmosphere of the camp even grimmer and the morals of everybody would be even lower. Whatever happened between them, Castiel had to follow Dean into his tent, because that was what they always did.
Chuck on the other hand fled the car with the speed of a lightning, barely uttering a word. He didn't wish to be anywhere near the angel and the leader when they fight. Because they would fight; it was clear as day. Castiel would never stop trying to teach Dean how to forgive himself and Dean would never listen to it. Chuck knew one thing others didn't – however harsh Castiel and Dean were to each other, whatever insults they used, whatever wounds they opened, they were deeply in love. Before Chuck lost his abilities as a prophet, the side effect of his visions was knowing what people feel towards each other. The connection between Castiel and Dean was more firm and lasting than any other Chuck had ever seen before. He didn't fear they would ever argue enough to endanger other people or truly part their ways, but it was frustrating to watch them fight over something very illogical. Deep down though, Chuck knew that once Dean stops blaming himself for every single person lost on his watch, the world would be doomed.
Leenee jogged by Chuck's side, pretending a need to tell him something even though there was nothing to be discussed or talked about. She was silent and so was he, but they relied on each other to keep the illusion of conversation. Leenee had lost a close friend in the first encounter with the zombies and she didn't feel much like talking about it and what else could they talk about? Thinking about home hurt and there was nothing interesting or worth talking in the camp – just tactics, ways to get information or supplies. She did notice the strange looks Chuck was giving Dean and Castiel but she wasn't going to talk about that either, the topic was too delicate.
Dean stormed through his door but he didn't slam it behind himself which was a good sign for Castiel. The angel stepped inside and closed the door, leaving the entire outside world behind it, unaware of whatever was going to happen. He wanted to talk to Dean, to soothe him and maybe bring him a shot of whiskey or two as he always did after a mission had gone very wrong. The night after Sam agreed to be Lucifer's vessel, Dean got awfully drunk and he was shouting and abusive; it scared the hell out of Castiel.
"He thought he could stop it Dean," Castiel mutters, trying to snatch the bottle from Dean's reach.
"No. He didn't want to stop anything!" Dean screams, "he's always been like that! He always left, always assumed I would take care of him, and he never gave anything back. He probably just got tired of pretending he's not an evil spawn of hell and decided to join his true family."
"Dean, you will regret saying this. Please, stop," Castiel begs with teary eyes.
"Don't tell me what to do!" Dean shouts at Castiel and he leans closer to the angel. Castiel can feel Dean's breath full of alcohol and it makes him feel even sadder. He wishes he could just let Dean go when he said he was fine like everybody else. But no, stupid, love-struck idiot as he was, he had to follow Dean in a futile attempt to save him.
"You're just like him!"Dean adds and stares at Castiel harshly. "You pretend you love me, you care about me but in the end you will leave me just like he did."
"I will not leave you," Castiel says more flatly than he dared to hope because he is shaking on the inside. He has seen Dean injured, dead, tortured in hell, torturing in hell but he has never seen him this hopeless and broken.
"Yeah, he did say that." Dean growls. "And you know what? Screw him!"
Dean smashes the almost empty bottle against the night stand and it breaks with a loud, shattering noise. Castiel looks down at it as an act of instinct and in the next moment Dean holds him pinned against the wall.
"And screw you with all your care and rainbows! Screw your pathetic attempts on justifying what Sam had done, screw your love for everybody and screw the whole fucking world!" Winchester yells at Castiel, his eyes distant and his gaze focused on something else than the angel.
"Dean, please-"
"Shut up, you stupid angel!" Dean screams and punches Castiel. "Shut up and get the hell out of here!"
Castiel stares in astonishment. He senses there's a cut where Dean's fist collided with Castiel's cheekbone but he doesn't heal it. He has no mental ability left to do so. He just keeps staring into Dean's eyes, the eyes he loves and that deep down under the alcohol and anger hide pain, despair and fear.
"I will not leave you," Castiel repeats weakly. He holds Dean's eyes much more boldly than he expected.
"Get away from me!" Dean screeches again and he sounds so desperate and lost it breaks Castiel's heart.
"I won't, Dean," Castiel insists and purses his lips defiantly. To be honest, he would be happy to flee but he knows Dean needs him. Him, because he's the only one who isn't broken enough to leave Dean. Or maybe the one who is too broken to care if Dean drags him to damnation as well.
"I hate you!" Dean screams and slaps Castiel again.
It was a good thing that Dean didn't remember any of it in the morning, because it certainly was the worst Castiel has ever been through. If Dean knew, he would hate himself even more which seemed unnecessary to Castiel as it would not prevent it from happening or heal his own wounds.
Castiel was brought back to reality very abruptly; Dean had got closer to him, grabbed his shoulders and pinned him against the wall. Castiel's eyes widened in fear as he saw the emotions in Dean's face. Before he could react though, Dean did the most shocking thing he could have done – pressed his lips against Castiel's.
Castiel froze in astonishment which didn't seem to discourage Dean in the slightest. He pressed his chest against Castiel's, leaving no space between them, and took Castiel's face in his hands instead. The angel woke up from the trance he was in and kissed Dean back. It had been so long since Dean kissed him Castiel's brain just took holidays.
This kiss was different though. Before, they used to be gentle and awkward, hesitant, unsure. What Dean was performing now was everything but innocent and child-like; he was determined and passionate. Dean tried to force his tongue between Castiel's lips and the permission was granted, maybe a bit hesitantly. Dean didn't notice; he bit Castiel's lower lip and his hands travelled down Castiel's body until they found the hem of his t-shirt and slipped under it.
"Dean," Castiel mumbled; it sounded like a weak moan.
"Dean, stop," Castiel tried again, but there was no comprehensible sound coming out of his mouth.
Dean worked his hands up Castiel's torso and the angel knew that the longer he lets Dean touch him like this, the more fragile his will and self-control will become. He braced himself and pushed Dean back, using some angelic powers to do it because Dean was holding him quite forcefully.
"Dean, stop, please," Castiel murmured and looked into Dean's eyes rather sheepishly. The expression he saw proved to him that this wouldn't be pleasant talk.
"What's wrong, Cas? Are you hurt?" Dean is still himself as Castiel can see and it brings a tiny smile upon his lips. Dean still cares about others before anything else – maybe not about all other people, but at least about Castiel himself and that makes the angel nearly happy.
"I am not physically maimed," Castiel replied quickly, "but I... I do not want you to... touch me this way."
Dean stares at the angel completely dumbfounded. He thought he had got the message very clearly from Castiel – hell, they even kissed a few times already. So what was the problem now?
"Why?" he asked and tried really hard not to look disappointed and betrayed.
"Please, do not think I don't enjoy your company and proximity," Castiel said hurriedly. And damn, that was exactly what Dean thought.
"But you found somebody else," Dean muttered bitterly.
"You think I'm changing you for someone else, Dean?" Castiel exclaimed in astonishment.
"That's the only logical explanation," Dean shrugged and stepped a bit farther from the angel. Not too far, they were still standing closer than ordinary friends would, but to Dean it seemed like somebody put a wall between them.
"Out of all the people I have met, of all the countries I have visited, of all I have seen, there has been nobody I would choose over you, Dean." Castiel proclaimed solemnly, his blue eyes sparkling with strange light. "I do love you more than I can express by mere words."
"Well, that's what acts are for, Cas," Dean pointed out, "when you don't have any more words to say, you just show the person how much you love them."
"My grace is shattering into pieces, my wings are broken and hurting, I have abandoned my family for you, Dean." Castiel countered, as if it was the only and obvious truth. "Does it not seem enough to you?"
"I didn't mean noble stuff, you idiot!" Dean screamed desperately, smashing his fist against the wall beside Castiel's head. "I meant physical contact. A kiss, a hug, a blowjob maybe if I'm lucky. Normal, ordinary, human-needs things."
"I don't see how oral sex expresses love better than leaving everything you had behind." Castiel said coldly and sounded so sarcastic it almost hurt Dean. He had never wanted Cas to understand sarcasm but there was nothing good left in there world.
"It's not about what's better anymore, Cas! Can't you see it? Everything that's ever been good is gone. The only thing I've got left is you!" Dean growled and his voice was filled with sorrow and exhaustion. Castiel wished to take Dean's chin between his fingers and kiss those round lips gently and maybe a bit harshly afterwards but it didn't feel right. Why didn't it feel right? Dean said it was right.
"I acknowledge the fact," Castiel whispered after a long pause, "but there is something that holds me back, Dean. Your body is physically attractive and I feel my own body... responding positively to your actions. But I believe there is some barrier, something that makes me the person I am, is holding me back."
"Yeah that's your factory settings," Dean laughed bitterly, "that's what your daddy told you. Don't lie with humans, man who lies with another man should be stoned and some other crap. I thought we were over this."
"Do not ridicule God, Dean" Castiel said threateningly.
"Why not?" Dean hissed mockingly, "Why not?! He's gone, Cas! He's been gone for ages. Or he's not gone and he simply doesn't care. Yeah, that's probably right. Daddy doesn't care about your petty wings or the whole world in general. He doesn't give a damn!"
"Stop this, Dean. Please." Castiel begged.
"Where was your God when Lucifer forced Sam to become his meatsuit? Where was God when we lost everyone, every single person?! Where was God when you got injured and almost died?!" Dean turned away from Castiel to shout the last sentence. The memory was still too painful for him to relive it.
"Look into my eyes, Castiel, look at me and tell me you still believe in God." Dean turned back and his voice got low once again. It was difficult for Castiel to distinguish the words and even more difficult to comprehend that this was really happening.
"I believe in God," Castiel said flatly, his eyes radiating with defiance.
"And yet you keep going on suicide missions to kill people with me. How do you sleep at night, Castiel? You can't live this life forever, you said yourself. You're crumbling." Dean murmured cruelly and he leaned closer to Castiel again.
The angel felt on the verge of tears. He wasn't sad for himself and he could never regret having chosen Dean and accepting the fate of a fallen angel. There was one being, only one thing, one force that was as strong as Castiel's love for Dean Winchester and that was God. Because all of Castiel's actions have been driven by two desires – to keep Dean safe and to please his Father. He thought he would never have to choose between the two of them. As painful as it was, he could leave the other angels, he could let the world fall but he could never choose between his Creator and his other half.
"Who do you think you're saving your virginity for? God?" Dean laughed again, "that's a lot kinkier than I thought heaven could be."
"Dean, I haven't asked for many things, but please, stop the blasphemy. I beg you," Castiel whispered with tears audible in his voice.
"Can you give me one good reason why I should believe the God exists and means well? Because I can't see any myself." Dean stopped mocking, laughing or shouting. Instead he just looked at Castiel and his eyes revealed all the turmoil and panic Dean felt. He stopped pretending because he could never be false too long with Castiel. His angel could see through the mask and pretence and what was the point of it?
"True belief is not to be found in times of prosperity, Dean." Castiel explained softly, as a loving mother would tell her child.
"I can't take this anymore. It's killing me. It turns me into something I am not." Dean murmured and he cast his eyes down to hide the tears that welled up in his eyes. "How can you still be so good, Cas? After all I've done to you, you keep coming back, you keep me right and you hold me when I feel like breaking. How can you stay this good when everything is becoming so bad?"
"Because despite everything, I have somewhere to go back to," Castiel replied and reached his hand towards Dean. "I've pulled you out of hell and ever since then, I have to make sure you don't go there again."
"Why?" Dean asked again. He raised his head when Castiel's hand found his face and lifted it up. They looked at each other; eyes full of tears, cheeks dirty from combat and covered in stubble from many days. But it was still them.
"Because I promised to look after you." Castiel whispered and leaned forward. His lips met Dean's softly and it was different from the kiss they'd shared before. It was slow, gentle and soft but it wasn't childish anymore. It was a mature kiss full of love and understanding.
Dean stepped closer again and he laced his fingers with Castiel's hair. There was passion between them, there was heat, but it wasn't inferno of negative emotions anymore. It was a good fire, the light in the darkness that still gives hope and warms up when everything else is desperate and cold. When Dean removed Castiel's jacket, it was not because of hunger or greed. It was to worship, to love, to give away and that was a good thing. When Castiel guided them towards Dean's bed, it wasn't an act of suppressed anger, anxiety or desire. It was a sign of trust, love and understanding, it was a promise and vow and above all it was the only thing Castiel could give Dean as a new thing.
Dean was gentler than he had ever been and Castiel in return didn't try to be in charge of things. They took eternity to make everything properly; they took care of each other as if they were babies in danger of grave illness and they paid attention to all the small details they loved about one another and even the ones that didn't truly matter but were important anyway because they were a part of the beautiful being they loved. It was awkward and uncomfortable at first but it only made the end more precious.
If Dean was ever to believe on soul mates and fitting perfectly with your other half, it was in that moment when he saw that although Castiel is an angel, he is also inexperienced, shy and clumsy and it made him love Castiel even more. If he ever could be happy after the world had received a terminal diagnosis, it would be in the moment when Castiel had given himself in to him. And he could tell why Castiel stopped them from having angry sex before; there would be days when the only thing they would be capable of doing to prevent themselves from committing suicide would be angry sex. But that day was a bright one, there was still some hope left and their first time shouldn't be about anger and frustration. The first time should always be remembered and cherished because all they could feel was love.
For Castiel, nothing on Earth was more important than making Dean happy but in the moment when his vision got clouded for a little while only to burst into brightness, he understood that nothing that made Dean happy could fail to fill him with bliss. Dean showing infinite content was Castiel's drug; the one and only addiction he never wanted to get rid of.
..
After the remarkable night, there were moments of love and tenderness, moments of anger and arguments, moments of fear and pain, moments of misunderstanding and tears and they were all important but nothing could ever be compared to the first time they opened up to each other. Yes, the first time was clumsy and painful, but it was the time when there was still hope keeping them together.