Doo-Wops from Various Hooligans
A/N: Welcome to Doo-Wops from Various Hooligans! What is this? A collection of the madness that runs my mind and concentration when I should be doing other things. This is just a place I'm going to dump the random junk that takes up space in my brain, and I think is worth sharing, from time to time. Enjoy!
P.S. This is rated mainly for language. I have a bit of a potty mouth sometimes. ;D
Disclaimer: I own nothing except my own rambunctious group of silly drunkards.
Doo-Wop 1: I'm Lovin' It (Based on a true story)
Roxas was not a happy camper. Not in the very least. The blonde-haired, blue-eyed male let the obscenities fly as he climbed into the driver's seat of his silver, 2010 Toyota Corolla. He groaned, lightly hitting his head on the steering wheel before letting out a very petulant moan, accompanied by a foot stomp before pulling out of the driveway of his apartment.
If there was one thing that Roxas hated with the very epitome of his soul, it was being the designated driver. Roxas was of the mindset that if he was going to be surrounded by a bunch of wasted people, then he would very much prefer to be wasted himself. But as this little game of Rock, Paper, Scissors he had played with his brother, Sora, had deigned, that was not going to be the case tonight. Roxas and Sora had happily seen off a group of their friends earlier that night as they left to go to a party and meet up with some other friends at a bar. But now, as a phone call from a nearly incapacitated Demyx had informed them, the plan for Riku to not drink had disappeared after the silver haired man had taken a $70 bet that he, in fact, was not too much of a prude to do a keg stand. Roxas' irritation was slightly subdued by the fact that the bar in question, was not too far away.
"Heeyyy, it's Roxy! Hey, there, Roxanna!"
And so it begins.
Roxas visibly cringed as he heard Demyx call his name with obvious slurred speech. He looked out to find Demyx, Axel and Riku standing out of a very suspicious-looking hole in the wall bar. Roxas frowned at the sight. It looked like the kind of place you'd get AIDS from if you just stared at it too long. It made sense, though. Axel, a.k.a Captain Cheap-o, did say he was paying tonight. The trio all seemed to be using each other as support, as if the bass pounding from the speakers from inside would knock them over if any of them tried to stand up on their own. Axel defied all laws of extreme drunkenness by stumbling a couple of inches over to the rolled down passenger side window and leaning into it.
"Hey there, Baby Blues. Looking for some fun tonight? I'll do something strange for a little bit of change." Axel suggested in a stage whisper with a waggle of his eyebrows.
Roxas' eyes' widened and jaw dropped to the floor simultaneously.
"W-What the f – Axel, if you don't get your dumbass into this car, right fucking now, I swear –!" Roxas sputtered the empty half-threat. His face was on fire as Demyx and Riku howled with laughter in the background.
This hatred Roxas harbored against being the only sober kid in the mix was intensified two-fold when he had not only a car full of shit-faced, rambunctious twenty-somethings, but also his shit-faced twenty-three year old boyfriend, Axel. In Roxas' opinion, Axel was the worst kind of drunk there could possibly be: The Loud and Flailing, Touchy-Feely, Perverted, Giggly kind.
"Aw, come on baby, don't be like that. You know you want it." Axel laughed before puckering his lips and leaning his head further into the window. The smell of alcohol and sweat radiating off of the man, hit Roxas hard.
"Ax, I swear…" Roxas started, still too taken aback by his boyfriend's behavior to think of a really good threat.
Axel, the incredibly hardheaded redhead he was, continued to lean into through the window.
Roxas, the very unimpressed grump he was, started rolling up said window while Axel's head was still through it.
"Whoa!" Axel called as he unsteadily yanked himself backwards, knocking into Riku and Demyx who were still sniggering uncontrollably.
"I warned you. Now, get your unbelievably obnoxious ass into this car or I swear I'll pull off and leave you three stooges here."
Axel maturely mimicked Roxas in a series of annoyingly high-pitched squawks before as he pulled open the door and poured his lanky frame inside the vehicle. Roxas could literally hear a headache coming over the horizon as the started his car back up.
"I want food!" Axel announced loudly five minutes into the ride.
His audience, Riku and Demyx, had passed out the second their bodies hit the soft fabric-covered seats.
"Too bad." Roxas answered.
"I want foooood! I want a McDouble!" Axel shouted again, this time adding a nasally whine.
"Look, we're about ten minutes from home and I'm sure you won't waste away until then."
"Don't bet. I'm already so skinny, I could use dental floss, as a blindfold."
"I'm not stopping. The last thing I want is for Bubbles or Buttercup back there, to puke in my car." Roxas chided sternly. He looked over briefly to find Axel attempting Sora's patented wide-eyed, Puss 'N Boots pout. "And stop that, you look like a needy crack whore."
Axel reached over to touch the Roxas' face, only for the unsteady man to wind up in his lap after the blonde hit a bump particularly hard.
"Well I am needy…" Axel replied hotly as he let a hand clumsily roam Roxas' thigh.
"Axel, what the fuck are you –" Roxas cursed, swatting at the intoxicated bundle of craziness that was intent on molesting him. "O-okay, damn it! Fine, we'll stop to McDonald's, just get back in your seat!"
The blonde pulled to a red light and manually pushed Axel back into his seat before knocking his head back against his own headrest. All he had wanted was a nice, quiet night at home. It was the constant dream of every nerd on the planet to sit at home with a good book, music and tea. Roxas should have known that was nothing more than wishful thinking. His life was God's personal Comedy Central, where nothing ever went as planned. Roxas continued down the street, fighting the urge to slam his head into the dashboard as Axel sang along, to the top of his lungs, to the radio.
Roxas pledged death to LMFAO and their nonsensical song about sexiness and animal print pants, as he pulled into the drive-through under a sign bolstering Golden Arches.
"Hey, Rox?" Demyx called quietly from the backseat. "We stopped?"
Roxas looked into the rearview mirror at the sandy-blonde in the backseat. "Uh, sorta."
"Perfect." He answered before flinging open a back door and vomiting onto the slab of concrete near the large light up food menu.
Roxas groaned uncomfortably as Axel laughed and cheered beside him.
"Look at him go! Dude, I told you, Beer before liquor, never sicker." The redhead slurred.
Roxas rolled his eyes and tried to tune out the disgusting splattering sounds by focusing on the radio. No matter how much he had cursed LMFAO before, they were saving him now. A couple of moments passed before Demyx pulled his head back into the car with a content sigh.
"Are you good now?" Roxas asked?
Demyx quietly gave his friend a thumbs up before seemingly passing out again. Roxas rubbed his eyes roughly before pulling up to the illuminated menu board.
"Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your order?" A bored sounding, static-filled male voice greeted them.
Roxas leaned his head out of the window. "Yeah, can I get a McDouble, please?"
"We're out of meat."
Roxas blinked. "You're out of – How are you out of meat? You specialize in selling burgers."
The blonde driver fought the urge to add: "That is, if you really want to call the crap on a cracker you pawn off on people, a burger."
"We just are sir."
Roxas sighed. Well it was nearly two in the morning, for what it was worth.
"How about a McChicken, then?"
The blonde figured Axel was probably much too drunk to notice and if he did, screw it.
"We're out of chicken patties. All we have are McNuggets and fries."
Roxas stared at the large computerized speaker for a moment. A slew of questions bombarded his mind. The most forefront of them being: Well, why the fuck are you open? How long have those fries and nuggets been sitting? But neither of these questions had a chance to be voiced as Axel leaned over the blonde and voiced a question of his very own.
"Well, how about you stick your dick on a bun and I bite that?"
Roxas stopped dead before turning his head to look his (now, seconds from being dead) boyfriend in the face. The redheaded package of trouble just looked back with a wide grin. A loud guffaw could be heard from the backseat.
"That. Is. The. Funniest. Shit. Ever!"
Roxas jerked around to evil glare Demyx back into silence. Roxas turned back to the speaker, exceedingly mortified but too stubborn to let Axel win this round and much too cheap to let this little detour be a waste of gas money.
"We'll take the Nuggets, please."
"$6.95, please pull up the second window." The voice replied shortly.
Roxas moved to pull up to the second window but instead jerked the car to stop and turned to the two, somewhat, lucid passengers.
"Axel, I swear if you open your mouth when we get up there, the closest thing you'll get to action for the next week, will be your left hand."
The redhead smiled sweetly. "Aw, Roxas, you know very well I use my right hand for that."
Another outburst of laughter from the backseat.
"Shut the fuck up, Demyx. I swear if you egg him on, I'll back this car up and dump your ass into that pile of your stomach's former contents!"
Silence engulfed the car quickly and the blonde turned back around in his seat, took in a deep, calming breath and started to pull forward. He mustered the most pleasant face he could manage as the panels of the window opened. A stern-looking middle aged woman looked out at him.
"$6.95."
Roxas nodded quietly, the pleasant look wiped from his face by her grim appearance. He yanked the money out of his wallet, deciding it would be better not to ask Axel to pay for his own meal. Giving the young man an excuse to open his mouth was sure to be detrimental to his, already waning, pride. He handed a ten dollar bill over before taking the large white and red bag offered to him. He tossed it over to the expectant idiot beside him and took his change when prompted.
"Hey," Axel began. Roxas looked over in a panic, ready to jump into action. "I didn't get any sauce."
Roxas breathed a sigh of relief.
"Also, my dick on a bun is missing."
Roxas didn't think twice. His overwhelming embarrassment took over his body and became a reflex of its own. Before he knew what had happened, his foot was on the gas and he was speeding off. Out of the drive-thru, away from the McDonalds and down the street. He knew he would fail tremendously if he attempted to glare either of the two stooges who were laughing themselves silly, back intro silence. His face was burning way too much for that.
"You realize you're in serious trouble now right?"
Axel took in a couple of deep breaths before he could reply. "But it was sooo worth it, Roxy. Sooo worth it."
Roxas gritted his teeth and tightened his grip on the steering wheel. He really really really hated being the designated driver.
Have a suggestion for another Doo-Wop? Let me know. Thanks for reading! Feedback and criticism is always welcomed!