She felt drained.

Slumped over, head resting on her knees, arms wrapped around her legs, taking in (the admittedly beautiful) warm colors of the evening sky, a lazy smile ghosting across her face.

She felt content. Despite everything in her past, everything that she still let haunt her, she was content. She wasn't thinking of those things in that moment, only focusing on the horizon, how the colors mixed with the landscape, how their little pocket of countryside was healing her, slow though it may be.

Peridot was quietly watching something on her tablet (Steven got her earbuds, as the little green gem liked to stay up late watching "TubeTube", and Lapis wanted to sleep), giggling every once and a while, the sound making her chest feel things.

The feelings weren't bad, per se, but they were new, and raw; despite feeling them longer than she wanted to let on.

But, she was scared of them. Scared of what they might lead to, scared of acting on them, scared of how and when she would screw it all up if she acted on them.

Suddenly, the evening sky wasn't as warm as it was a few moments ago - unease slowly dripping into her conscious second by second as she tightened her arms around her legs.

What if I hurt her?

What if I can't protect her?

What if, after all this time, I'm still not enough?

What if I'm just like Jasper?

She felt the thoughts anchor themselves into her skin, making her bleed, claiming the debt she felt like she owed. That's why there was an underlying sense of calm to her; underneath the tense atmosphere she seemed to carry around her all the damn time.

She was drowning again, the serenity she felt in her core becoming blotted with holes of old recurring insecurities she couldn't seem to shake off.

"Lapis?" the small voice was quiet compared to the maelstrom of noise splitting her head open.

But the older gem clung to it. She clung to the voice that she had come to trust, come to love.

"Lapis?"

It was louder now. Louder than the noise. Louder than the waves. Louder than the sea.

She jerked her head up, eyes meeting her companion's; wide and concerned.

A beat.

"I'm...okay now." Lapis wasn't even convinced herself. Her voice seemed too small, she felt so small.

Peridot wordlessly opened her arms, scooting back up against the barn wall next to Lapis, silently conveying "I'm here."

Lapis would've once thought it comical that she was being comforted by Peridot. Not to mention the height difference, a sprawl of gangly limbs scrambling to find comfort in the tiny green gem.

And she felt bad for always needing so much. Why did Peridot have to waste her new, free existence on someone who seemed to cling to the past?

Why was she here?

She didn't think there was a simple answer.

The young gem's hands were solid around her back and waist, and although Lapis' neck was craned uncomfortably (as her face was burrowed into Peridot's neck), she never wanted to move from the spot.

Perhaps it was selfish of her, to crave this. To keep denying the feelings and the baggage she was too tired to handle while wanting this kind of closeness with Peridot that she shouldn't take, at least without giving something in return.

But she couldn't help the spark of warmth and the strong sense of home she felt whenever Peridot was close. She was too weak to resist.

And she hated how volatile she was; contentedness turning into fear in an instant, like she was some starved, wounded animal who just reacted and didn't think -

"Lapis, it's okay."

It was said with quiet confidence - like Peridot truly did believe in her words - which startled her again, right out of the spiral of guilt and frustration that she fell into with ease at this point.

She wanted to understand why she couldn't just...let everything go.

She was at peace some minutes ago; lying sleepily in the dwindling evening sun, focusing on the horizon with little concern for anything (save for the barn, everything in it, and Steven).

But she really couldn't fool herself.

She was ignoring it, selfishly, selfishly ignoring it and running like she always had.

"Really?" she found herself saying, with a small huff of laughter, "doubt it."

Peridot's grip tightened around her waist, the other hand becoming bunched tightly above the small of her back, close to her gem. She didn't even need to see the other's face to know that the green gem's brow was furrowed.

There she goes again. Playing it down, not confronting it, leaving it to rear its head in the near future.

Goddammit.

The strong urge to run cropped up, a familiar habit that she felt too weak to break.

And she gave in.

Lapis got up suddenly, mumbling a quick "thanks" while she fidgeted with her skirt, not daring to look Peridot in the eyes.

And she fled.

Guilt, another familiar feeling, flooded her senses.

She just needed time.

AN: This is gonna be at least a two part-er, so strap in. Reviews are very much appreciated, and if you wanna check out my writing blog (galaxxywrites on tumblr) - that would be very much appreciated too. Thanks for reading!