I felt like a caged animal. Captive in Somalia, the desert heat unrelenting, I paced back and forth and back again in my cell. I had failed my mission. I would most likely be killed. I would inevitably tortured. And on top of every other godforsaken thing about this place, I would never see Tony again.
I'd never admitted it until now, even to myself. Seeing as death was imminent, however, I did not give a damn who knew. I was in love with Tony DiNozzo, even if he would never know it.
Panic, again. Panic panic panic. Ever since I had arrived and been tossed into this cage, it had been one panic attack after another. Wave after wave of sweeping terror, ebbing and flowing and slowly drowning me. I hadn't felt this way since Ari's death; and yet, in the past week, the panic had been constant. There was no reprieve. I needed to run, needed to fight, needed to do something with the massive amounts of adrenaline pumping through my body. The blood echoed in my ears. My heart hammered away, almost as though it were trying to kill me before my captors had the chance. For a brief second, I hoped that it would.
I collapsed onto the ground, gasping for breath, the tunnel vision coming in as it did each time. Sheets of darkness lapped at my vision. My breaths were shrieking gasps. My arms, hands, and face felt like a fourth state of matter, not unlike the static on a television screen. Tingling. Tingling. Burning. Itching.
Run run run.
The last thing I wanted was to go out with a shred less dignity than I had earned in my life.
Mossad would be ashamed.
My breath stopped as the thought entered my mind. Guilt consumed me, but the panic stopped. I began to think about all of the people that would be disgusted with me. Gibbs. My father. The director. The entire goddamned Mossad. Tony. I should have fought harder, I should have been more observant, I shouldn't have been such a stupid little girl!
My breath slowed. Each breath was agony. I had no desire to keep breathing.
I reached up to touch the place where my necklace had once been. When my captors caught me, they ripped off my Star and snickered. Undoubtedly, the kidnappers were also thieves. My necklace was gone, along with my identity.
Tony.
My head fell into my clammy hands as my mind's eye supplied his image. Strong, handsome, funny… I almost felt relaxed when I was around him. I felt a pang in my chest as I remembered his cocky smirk. I wondered what he would feel when he learned of my death. Would he be as ashamed of me as all the others?
But oh, how I longed for him, though he'd never believe it. For the first time since I was a child, I wanted to be held, to be wrapped in his strong arms. I wanted to kiss him with all of the fight I had left in my body, knotting my hands in his hair and feeling the electricity shoot through every fiber of my being. I longed to feel his body pressed against mine, to hear his strong heartbeat and feel it echo through my bones. I wanted to feel the sparks. I wanted to hear his voice say my name. I wanted Tony so badly.
And yet I'd never have him.
Strangely, slowly, I began to calm. I had accepted my fate, along with my love. The thought of him was almost a sedative, and I knew it would be my last consolation.
The storm was over.