We walked silently into the woods behind Derek's house. I had a feeling that something very bad was going to happen and I was praying to god that it wasn't going to be too bad. We stopped in the middle of the forest.
"Ok jess this is how it's gonna be. I don't want you anymore; I don't love you and were all leaving. I'm sorry you won't ever have to see me again, I promise." He sounded dead even to my ears.
"Huh? But, but, what happened with Bella was nothing she even said it herself! I'm not as breakable as you think! You can't leave, I won't let you! You're lying you so love me I know you do!" I was hysterical, how could he do this to me? I know he loves me I know it!
"Jessica! Listen to what I'm saying. I do NOT love you! I do NOT want to be with you anymore. You're not what I want any more, were just not good together. I want to see other people. I'm leaving and that's final. Good bye!"He was harsh and unkind.
"What? You want to date other people? I'm not good enough for you? Is that it? Am I not up to your standards now?" I was angry now
"Yes Jessie, you're not. You're not good enough I want to date other vampires, I don't need you anymore. I have to go now. I'm sorry but this is how it has to be." He was upset… he was lying to me.
"Fine… leave. " I was dead inside now. I wasn't enough; I had been stupid enough to fall in love with someone who I knew could never love me.
"Jess, could you please just do one thing for me?"
"sure." It was a whisper. I wouldn't cry, I wouldn't.
"Take care of yourself. I'll take you home now and you'll never see me again after."
"NO! I'll walk, God forbid you have to help me! Why would you care what I do any way huh? You don't want me any more! You're throwing me away!" I screamed I was very angry I was border line infuriated.
I turned and ran away, he caught me of course.
"Jess please just let me take you home." He sounded so dead, he was dead to me.
"NO! NO! LET ME GO, LET ME GO NOW!!" I screaming.
Somehow I got away and was in there front yard, running as fast as I could. I didn't see Edward, I crashed right into him. He caught me and kept me from falling.
"Jess, please take care of Bella for me." He said.
"Your leaving to?"
"Yes we all are Derek and I just stayed behind to say our good bye's."
" oh…" wait he left Bella… it sunk in. I was pissed like no other.
"YOU… YOU NO GOOD LEECH! YOU LEFT HER! JUST LEFT HER! I'M GONNA KILL YOU! KILL BOTH OF YOU!!" I was punching him with everything I had I broke my hand I didn't care I just kept punching him.
Someone grabbed me from behind pulling me away from him, he'd tried to restrain me but it just made me angrier. " Jessie! Jessie, stop! Your gonna hurt yourself!" Derek exclaimed he was angry.
I turned around; I looked him full in the face. I drew my broken hand back. How much more damage could I cause it?
"NO!! DON'T" Edward yelled. To late, I hit Derek right in the face. He stumbled back a little, I don't think it hurt. God did that hurt…
"I hate you, burn in hell!!! Don't ever ever! Come back any of you, I don't love you, I never did I was just afraid you'd kill me but now I'm not so leave!"
"I hate you… I wont ever come back." He yelled I turned and ran. I knew they'd follow me and make sure I'd make it home ok.
I stopped half way there, and went off course; I was close to the la push line.
"NO YOU HAVE TO GO HOME!" I heard Derek roar. To late already there.
I went straight to my hiding spot I was the only one who knew where it was.
I sat down and cried, all out heart retching sobs. I stayed like that for a long time. My phone must have buzzed a thousand times. I finally just turned it off. I slumped back laying on my back , the rain began to pelt down on my face. I turned over and cried more. I had to get it all out before I got home. If I ever went back, wonder what they would think if I went missing?
"JESSIE! JESSIE!" I heard someone screaming my name. I quickly whipped away all the tears I waited, my face began to lose all traces of tears. When they were gone I decided to go home. I ran when I got over the line, I didn't know if they were still there or had left. But I wasn't about to take any chances.
When I got home the front of the house was surrounded by cop cars and people I didn't know. I saw Charlie, he turned and ran over to and wrapped me up into a hug.
"Jessica Renee Addison Swan where in Gods green earth have you been? I called you a hundred times! You and Bella went missing, we haven't found her yet. BUT thank god you're ok."
"Sorry, was in La push my phone went dead. I need a shower." I sounded completely dead, a zombie.
"oh ok. Go get some rest Hun."
I turned and walked away before I went in I heard someone call " We found her! We found her!"
I looked back and saw a big Indian man caring my cousin/sister, she looked like hell. I knew how she felt. I turned and went up to our room. I grabbed my things and headed to the bath room. I turned the hot water on as hot as I could get it. I was shivering so hard I could barley move. I finally stepped out, I opened the cabinet me in my ball shorts and p.j. shirt. I found what I was looking for, a pair of scissors.
That was the first of the many days and nights I cut myself. It was the very first night that I destroyed myself the most. I sliced my wrists, the crease in my elbow, my legs, my stomach and any point on my back I could reach. I carved his name and my name in a heart on my left leg. After I was finished, I was completely covered in blood. I walked out I didn't even bother to wash it off, when they saw me I though Charlie was going to have a heart attack.
"OH MY GOD! JESSICA WHAT HAVE YOU DONE TO YOURSELF??"
"We need to get her to the hospital asap!" a doctor with very white hair exclaimed.
"NO! NO! I WAN TO DIE! LEAVE ME ALONE!" I was screaming.
"Restrain her!" the doctor yelled. It took three of those huge La Push boys to take me down.
I remember the ride to the hospital, I was basically smashed between all of them. I couldn't move and that made me really mad. So I had the stupid idea that when We got to the hospital And we got out I'd run for all I was worth.
The door opened bad idea to sit me close to it… I jumped out and ran like no other.
"WAIT!" Charlie yelled.
And I be dag burn if those boys didn't catch me at the road.
They pulled and tugged me along all the while me screaming my head off for them to let me go. They weren't hurting me I just wanted to get away.
The last thing I remember is being strapped down on a hospital bed…
I was running after him.
"DEREK! WAIT PLEASE I DIDN'T MEAN IT! I NEED YOU! PLEASE!"
He just kept running, and then I was falling into blackness.
I woke up screaming, I turned and balled up on my side and laid there lifeless. Then I heard someone crying. I rolled over to see Bella.
"Belles?" I murmured.
"Oh Jessie your awake!" she sobbed trying to wipe the tears away, but only more followed.
I raised up and threw back the covers, and I gasped.
"Oh god Jess what did you do?" she sobbed harder.
My entire body was covered, I had engraved his name all most everywhere. Love, hate, I miss you, never come back, that sort of thing was added.
"Bella please come sit with me. Please don't be sad, it's gonna be ok. I promise this won't happen again, I promise!" she sat beside me and cried in to my t-shirt. I smoothed her hair and murmured it would be ok.
"I I'm sorry. You don't need to be seeing this, I'll go get the doctor." She stood up.
"Belles wait! When can I go home? I want to go home I don't want to be here anymore." I whimpered.
"That's why I'm going to go get the doc sweetie .I'll be right back okay." She soothed.
"Kay, hurry back."
"I will." She left, I felt bad about lying to her, this would not be the last time I cut myself. I sighed.
"Hello there Jessica. How do you feel today?"
"I feel great despite the idiotic things I did to myself the other night. Which I feel horrible about, I think I was just under too much stress. With finals coming up , then state coming up, then him leavening… but oh well I feel lots better can I go home?"
He looked at me funny.
"Yes you get to leave Charlie is signing papers now. But I don't want to see you in here again over something like this ever again. You gave us all a scare."
"Yes sir, won't happen again I promise." Liar! My mind screamed.
I was out of there in no time at all. I went home to Billy and Jacob Black, and the Clearwater's. Sam and Emily and the "pack" were there to. They didn't know, I knew there little secret.
"Hey kid you gave us all quite a scare! Don't you ever do that again! Jeez jess you trying to kill us? Honey you could have come talk to me!" Everyone was either soothing or yelling at me all at the same time.
"OK! OK! Lord have mercy, I get the point won't happen again scouts honor!" I hollered covering my ears with my hands.
They all laughed, after a long time of me just nodding and my occasional yeah, uh huh, sure, and ah I see. They all left.
And I trudged up to my open room and looked around; I knew nothing would ever be the same again. At school the next day and a few weeks after people talked about Bella and I her crazy suicidal cousin. Then I final just fell under the radar.
Months pass.
My routine was slice lie slice some more, eat every few days and lie some more. I lived a sad, sad life. And it was all their fault. Why did it always happen to me??? First my parents die in a car crash, then I meet the love of my life and then he leaves me. That's straight up crap, God must have something against me.