S5E12

"Merlin, I know I always joked about you being a coward, but the truth is I never meant it. I always thought you were the bravest man I knew… until now."

Arthur's words stung. Merlin contemplated if he should finally tell Arthur the truth. They might never see each other again. It might be now or never. "Arthur?"

"What is it Merlin," Arthur asked in a weary voice.

"I lied to you just now. About getting herbs for Gaius, I mean."

"You don't say?"

"It's not because I'm scared. It's just because… the truth is… well, I am not sure how you are going to take it." Merlin didn't know if this was a mistake or not but he had already decided on this course of action. All he could do now was see it through to the bitter end. "Arthur…" This was going to be harder than he thought.

"If you have something to say Merlin, just spit it out."

"I am a sorcerer. I have magic," Merlin took Arthur's advice.

Arthur took him serious for only a second before frowning his disapproval at Merlin's choice of deception. "Merlin…" Arthur began in a chiding tone.

"I would try to prove it to you, but I can't because I don't actually have my magic anymore. Not at the moment. Maybe never again. That's why I can't go with you. I have to try and get it back, so I can better protect you."

Arthur wasn't sure why Merlin was intent to continue forward with this lie but something about Merlin's demeanor seemed so serious that Arthur couldn't bring himself to yell at him or try to throw him out. There was obviously something weighing heavy on his friend's mind. Arthur momentarily forgot about the looming battle ahead. He focused only on Merlin. "That's convenient, that you can't actually prove to me that you are a sorcerer," he goaded.

"I know. I wasn't sure what I expected to happen by telling you. I just couldn't bear you thinking I was a coward. I want you to know that I would never abandon you, no matter what the odds were we faced!"

"Then why aren't you coming?"

"I've just told you."

"Merlin, you aren't a sorcerer, I would know."

"Supposing I was. What would you do?"

"Chop your head off," Arthur teased.

Merlin couldn't help his sadness from showing. Not because he believed Arthur's last words but because Arthur didn't believe him. He might never get the chance to know Merlin for who he truly was. Merlin might never get the chance to know if Arthur would have accepted him.

Arthur sighed. "I don't know why this is so important to you, but I can see that it is. So let me think… if I found out you were a sorcerer I would…" Arthur paused to ponder this. "I'm not really sure what I would do."

"But you wouldn't chop my head off?"

"Of course not." Arthur said the words because he meant them, but then he paused as it hit him just how true they were. He would never be able to bring himself to kill his best friend. Even if he had magic. "I would feel betrayed because that would mean you would have lied to me for all these years." Arthur tried hard for his friend's sake to imagine just what it would feel like to find out he had magic. "Truth be told I might even feel a bit frightened."

"Thank you."

Arthur tried for a few moments to suss out what all this had been about before giving up. "Well this has been one of our stranger conversations but I'm glad I could help." Arthur had gotten so caught up in imagining what if Merlin possessed magic that now he had a senseless question of his own to ask. "Why now? If you did have magic, why wouldn't you have told me any of the countless times before now?"

"Not a day passed that I didn't want to. At first, I guess I feared what you might do to me. Then we became friends and I didn't think you would kill me… I mean it would be pretty pointless to risk your neck for me all those times just to turn around and off me yourself. I just wasn't sure how you would take it. I didn't want you to hate me."

"Merlin, if you did have magic, that would mean you were probably serious all the times you bragged about saving my life. It would also mean that magic can't be all that bad, not only account of you keeping me safe but because you are one of the best men I know. I would probably bring magic back to the kingdom, if there was a chance there would be more men like you who would use it for good."

Tears filled Merlin's eyes. "Arthur…"

Arthur pulled himself out of this odd reverie and began to get frustrated with the whole line of conversation. "This is stupid! I don't even know why we are talking about this."

"I'm sorry I waited so long to talk about this Arthur. But I promise never to keep anything from you again. If I do manage to get my powers back, I will come save you, like I always do and always will. Then you will see that I told you the truth and I must trust that you have done likewise."

Arthur shook his head at Merlin. No matter how hard Merlin pushed this idea he would never buy into it. Whatever the real reason Merlin wasn't coming, at least Arthur now knew it must be serious. "I know you aren't a coward Merlin. You go and do what you have to do and hurry back." Arthur clapped him on the shoulder and Merlin placed his arm over Arthur's.

Merlin nodded in determination. "I will."