I own nothing.

I think I always knew my life would turn out like this. That I would be alone. That my only chance of happiness would not be a chance at all, but an unattainable dream.

I had boyfriends in high school and college. Hell, I had a fiancé. But none of that was anything real. It wasn't based on anything, and therefore it had no future.

It's my fault, of course, that none of my relationships have amounted to anything. I don't trust anyone. Even before I got into this line of work, I didn't trust men. After what happened to my mother, I was afraid. Even if I wasn't afraid that my boyfriend would turn on me violently, I was too scared to tell anyone the truth about my father. That I have no idea who he is. That I may have inherited his violent streak. It all terrifies me. I would never tell another person and risk them looking at me like I could commit some horrible crime, like he did.

My logic tells me that most people wouldn't hold my father's crimes against me, but I don't believe myself. How could anyone look into my eyes and not see the fearful potential, when I myself can sometimes hardly look in the mirror, afraid of what will be looking back at me?

The only person I trust, truly trust, is Elliot. He's knows my past, he knows my present, and sometimes, when I see the sadness in his eyes when he regards me, I think he knows my future. Despite all that, he has never abandoned me. He has never given me reason to doubt him, and I know he never would.

It is Elliot who gives me hope when I think I won't make it through a case. He strengthens me and encourages me in my work, but it is more than that. He makes me have faith that there is some good left in the world. He is the most decent person. I know he has a tendency to get carried away when he is particularly angry at a perp, and he can be violent. I can't hold that against him, though. He only acts that way because he cares so deeply for the victims, and it kills him to see anyone intentionally harm someone else.

I remember after one case that really got to me, I left work trying not to cry. I was making a cup of coffee, not wanting to go to sleep and risk having nightmares about the case, when my phone rang. It was Elliot.

He was in the parking lot and said he was coming up to stay with me. I protested, saying I was fine, but then he said, "Liv."

That pretty much undid me. I started crying. He was at my door within a minute. He took me to my bed and made me lay down, and then he sat beside me and let me cry into his chest, stroking my back.

He wouldn't even consider leaving, even when I lied fairly convincingly that I was alright. Of course I couldn't fool him. He knows me better than anyone. He held me until I went to sleep, and probably after too, but I have no idea. All I know is that I woke up the next morning to find him asleep beside me, his arm around my waist.

I was so…happy…but I also felt so much despair. I thought that Elliot must feel something for me…probably not the same as what I felt for him, because I was completely in love with him. But there was something.

And something was too much. Elliot is married to Kathy, he has four kids, he tries so hard to be with them. He loves them so much.

I don't deserve him.

Apart from that, I would never do that to Kathy and the kids. Kathy and I have never been close, really, but I love those kids as if they were my own. They need a dad, and they are so lucky that they have Elliot. I could never live with myself if I did something to jeopardize Kathy and Elliot's marriage. I couldn't bear knowing that I was the cause of so many people's unhappiness. I won't emulate my father in that way.

When I see the two of them together, my heart beats faster. I'm sometimes glad that they are together…though I wish they were happier. It is the times that Kathy condemns Elliot for working too much that I am inclined to think of how much better someone else would be for him. But I try not to let myself even dream about how it would be, because I feel like that is wishing pain and sadness on them in exchange for my own happiness.

I just wish…I wish it was me.