Summary: Real love is like a grenade. Explosive and destructive. Slivers of shrapnel piercing everything within close radius, not sparing even bystanders. Shiro driven by guilt goes on personal vendetta. Ichigo having hard time coping with his losses he turns to alcohol, leaves Japan and his band to start a new life where yakuza and rabid fans are simply words in a dictionary. He chooses cold and alien to him Alaska. One rebellious High School student with more chilly eyes and hair imaginable makes him slowly realize scars aren't something you should be ashamed off, and lies are spoken to protect not deceive or hide the ugly truth.
Warnings: Violence, language, child abuse, alcohol addiction, mentions of deaths, slash; manxman action, bad grammar, etc.
Rating: M
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters nor am I making any money writing this story.
Pairings: Past: Ichigo/Shirosaki. IchiShiroIchi. Main focus on: Ichigo/Grimmjow. IchiGrimmIchi. As a side dish – eventual: Shirosaki/Nnoirta.
L'amore come una Granata.
(Kato Miliyah – Sayonara Baby, Japanese lyrics translated into English)
Your burning eyes led the way, the moment I fell in love.
I felt it was destiny. I was surely born so that we would meet.
That's what I truly thought.
Though time has gone by, you're still shrouded in mystery.
My questions receive vague answers. I don't know anything about you.
"Goodbye" "I won't let you say that". "Just kidding, stay with me" "I'll never let you go".
"Do you love me?" "Of course I love you". "Can I trust you?" "I love you, come over here".
"I feel lonely" "I'm busy at the moment". "Call me later" "I'll call you back, wait for me".
"Please" "I'll stop by tonight". "We can finally be together" "I want to be with you all the time".
I want to change but nothing's changed at all.
Every time you said you loved me I believed you.
Even though our relationship was full of doubt.
I want to break up with you but I can't.
My heart is full of worry but no words come out.
I pretended not to notice. Your phone is always busy.
My calls rarely go through. It troubles me but I can't ask you about it.
"I miss you" "I miss you too". "Really? You mean it?" "You're the only one for me".
"It's too late" "No, it's never too late". "I'll always trust you" "You're my only love"
"Where are you now?" "Why are you asking all of a sudden?".
"What are you thinking?" "I'm always thinking of you". "Liar" "I'm not lying".
"Tell me you love me" "I love you so much".
Our false conversations keep on repeating themselves.
Is this enough? There's no good reason.
I'm not loved even a little bit. I can't say it today even though I want to.
Goodbye baby, it's so hard to say.
...
It's night time. The hospital floor is plunged in the darkness. The quietness is sporadically interrupted by some nurse working a night shift; going around, flicking the light on when necessary and checking on patients. The only sound disturbing the peace and quiet is the one of beeping machines. But with how constant it is, rather than being an annoyance, it reminds more an unusual lullaby. Like a pianist letting his fingers play delicately over the piano keys the sound also dances on the subconscious boarder of those slumbering peacefully and recuperating poor souls.
But this night is different. A distorted shadow passes over the pristine white doors with a number 215 on them and there's an audible click of a door being closed. The shadow does not move for a long while. It seems to be frozen at the sight that greets him. Minutes pass and it finally moves, coming closer and closer to the lone figure in the private room lying on the narrow hospital bed.
The bright lights of the never sleeping city come through the only window in the room, chasing out the darkness and illuminating it enough for the features of a young man sleeping deeply to be seen.
"Ichigo."
There comes a breathless whisper. Ashen white hand extends hesitantly and touches the matted orange tresses. It's still as soft as he remembers, the man notices. But despite the little light he also sees how Ichigo lost weight, dark shades under his eyes and sickly looking skin completes the picture. It makes him clench his fist and dig his nails in the soft flesh, feeling it yielding under the pressure. Big, fat, crimson droplets slide over his snow-white skin, ending on his knuckles and lastly drip to the floor.
"I—I'll fix it all up, Ichi. Don't ya worry anymore. But—ya know it better than anybody else ya gotta first bring down the building an' clear the rubble ta be able t' create a new, better an' safer place, ey?" Eyes of the man color of midnight black surrounding liquid gold burn in a fierce determination as he speaks. He comes closer to the bed and sits carefully near Ichigo's legs not to jolt the sleeping man. With his cold pale hand he takes Ichigo's warm, slightly tanned one and squeezes it, as if to take comfort and strength to go on and say what he must.
"That's why… don't hate me for what I'm 'bout ta do, King. Maybe—maybe one day—you'll understand… tha' I—I did it all because I love you so fuckin' much it hurts… Sometimes when I look at ya sleeping peacefully—just like ya are now—without the frown; making all yer worries go away—it's so damn painful I feel like a knot is being twisted tightly in my chest. I can barely breathe an' start to hate myself; why am I so fuckin' imperfect, tha' I don't deserve ya... And I know it's true. Ya'd be happier without me an' still have a fuckin' family ta come home to…" His hands tremble at this point and something clogs his throat, making it hard to speak. He swallows with difficulty; next he takes a deep calming breath and resumes speaking.
"So, this is a goodbye, Ichigo. I gotta few building to blow up for ya, fugitively speaking," he grins crookedly for a moment at Ichigo, but soon enough it falters and serious frown replaces the earlier look. "And also to soothe my damned soul which for years now is crushed under the layers of quilt because of what my existence done t' you and yer family."
"Maybe it's selfish of me, but—I need it. Otherwise in the state I am now I would be our downfall… It's better tha' way. If to protect you I gotta rip my own heart an' make yer bleed as well, I'll do this in a heartbeat. This isn't my place t' bring ya happiness, Ichi. An' 'm sorry I realized it not soon enough. Maybe in some parallel world we'd have a different—happier—ending, but this is our goddamn reality. An' it's time for me t' take responsibility for my past mistakes." He stands up, still holding onto Ichigo's hand like a lifeline. He brings it up to his pale lips, closes his eyes and kisses the lax knuckles pouring all his feelings into the sweet gesture. He bends over Ichigo and hovers over him, only a breath away from his face. He traces patterns over Ichigo's face with pads of his finger tips, trying to drink up every detail and memorize it all.
"That's why don't be sad, my lil Birdie. I don't want t' be th' reason for your wings getting clipped. I want ya to soar heights no one has ever b'fore. Feelin' angry, furious, murderous is good. It gives strength. Weak, pussy feelings can even bring a king t' his feet. And yer too good t' end like tha'. You're th' only man I acknowledge. That's why—hate me. Fuckin' despise me—. I would rather have yer hate an' still have place in yer heart, than for ya t' mope around, move on an' forget me. Yer th' only one I ever wished to crave my existence in. To imprint myself, to stain an' leave stigma in its wake—forever. Sick of me, I know. But that's what ya do t' me. Ya drive me crazy with lust, desire an' want ta possess you. Be exclusive. Kill all those sonovabitches an' whores looking at ya with impure thoughts, or screaming yer name when ya sing in tha' sinful voice a'yers. An' because of tha' too, I need ta go. Separate myself from ya, or I'll do something one day 'm gonna regret." He stands up, releases Ichigo's warm palm and lets it fall on the white sheets covering his battered body.
The silence stretches, but he is content to just look. With his jaw set in determined way he walks to the door, hand reaches for the door knob. He casts one last look over his shoulder and there's sadness in his eyes as he says. "I'll protect you—this is my plea an' my vow. Cowardly of me ta do this when ya aren't conscious, but it has t' be done tha' way. It has to."
"I… I love ya an' always will. …Sayonara baby."
There's a hollow sound of a door closing with deafening finality. The only thing indicating the earlier presence of the man with snow white skin are the blood stains on the floor and some of it got even on Ichigo's hand. Suddenly the heart rate of the patient picks considerably up as can be heard through the beeping machine.
A shuddering sigh along with whispered name—Shiro, escapes Ichigo's still unconscious form and single tear slides leaving a damp path over his left temple.
Its short life ends in the wild orange locks, drying soon after and leaving no traces behind.
Just like it never happened.
...
A/N: A real challenge with this one, since I feel like I can easily slip inside sexy albino's mind and with Grimm I'm not as confident and I'll have to improvise, more often than not. I wanna break the usual norm, that is making Grimmjow older than Ichigo. In this fic Ichigo is 23, and Grimmjow is close to 18, last year of High School. Not much of a difference, but with this I can work with Grimmjow's personality and have room for character development. (Wishful thinking? Lol.)
Anyway, 'am very excited about this particular baby of mine, since the idea has been planted for a while inside of my head and just needed space and nourishment to grow. If you liked then give me some feedback, if you don't then don't bother. Each to his own, like they say. And some of the readers won't easily stomach Ichigo topping, I guess. Personally I think it's one of the hottest things if it's kept IC and I'll damn try to accomplish it, *pumps fist in the air* Doesn't mean I won't write Ichigo bottoming, *wiggles brows* Above all else, I like reversibility and showing how two men can stand on equal ground in relationship, no labels attached.
"Sayonara baby" is a really beautiful song. I decided to put the translation here, since words and meaning they held are as much important as the passion the singer sings it with in Japanese. The format isn't how I wanted it to look like, but somehow I can't fix it any other way, so it gotta suffice.
Please bare with this procrastinator here, since I'm usually swayed violently by my One Piece muse just as well as Bleach goddess of inspiration~
What else? Just enjoy. There's more to come.
—Ah, how could I forget. This piece belongs to slowly, but surely growing, collection: Free Goods For Tori(ngtino), lol. I just love spoiling you, my Birdie, *squishes*
Apple~