A Heartbreaking Valentine's
I rubbed the back of my neck, trying to hide my nerves. It was February 14th. Judgement Day. At least, that's what it felt like. Valentine's was usually just a day where I'd enjoy whatever chocolate I had gotten at the local shrine. Somewhere nice and quiet, and away from all of the drama and desperate singles. But this year was different. This was the year that Yu Narukami had come to Yasogami High. The year that we formed the Investigation Team. And... And this was the year that made me think about what it truly meant to love someone else.
"Huh? Hey, Reiji, you alright there? You're lookin' a little red," Yosuke said. I immediately shook my head, but his statement only made my blush worse. Dammit... Yosuke was the last person that needed to hear about the kinds of things I was thinking... He already gave Kanji enough crap for even being associated with those kinds of thoughts. "Ooooh, you got someone in mind for today?" he teased. I just sighed. You learned to just roll with Yosuke's teasing, eventually. He never really meant any harm, anyway.
"Yeah, actually, I do," I answered honestly. He and Kanji both looked like they were gonna fall flat on their asses at that. The three of us were in classroom 2-2 with Chie, Yukiko, and Yu, talking about whatever plans we had for the holiday. Yosuke was gonna mooch chocolate off of his coworkers, and Kanji was being... Kanji. Meaning he was oblivious to the entire situation. How did someone go this long without understanding what Valentine's Day was about?
"What!? What do you mean you have someone in mind!? Who?" Yosuke shrieked. I cringed, both at the volume and the attention he was bringing. He really was an all or nothing kind of guy, wasn't he? "It's one of the girls, isn't it? Chie, Yukiko, who is it?" he asked, turning to the girls in question. Chie and Yosuke ended up bickering, as per usual, and I managed to sneak a glance at Yu without anyone noticing. Our eyes met for just a moment, and I immediately turned away, my nerves coming back in full. I had texted him yesterday to meet me by the soccer field, but... He never texted back. What did that mean? Was he busy? Did he just figure I'd know he'd come? Or... Or did he have someone el-
"Oh, are you guys handing out chocolate? Perfect timing!" a bubbly voice called out. Rise had just walked into the room with a pink bag of, I'm assuming, chocolates in her hands. "Here you go, Chie-senpai. For always being so hardworking," she said, handing Chie a piece of chocolate. Chie seemed dumbfounded for a moment as she tried to understand why she was getting chocolate of all people. "Because today's for giving out chocolate to the people you like, right? It's a great day to say 'Thank you!' to all those people in your life! Not just your romantic partner!" she explained. Yosuke fawned over her (again, as per usual) as she handed everyone some chocolate. Well... almost everyone.
"What about Yu?" I asked. I was nervous as to the answer, but I needed to know. I've been antsy ever since I sent that text yesterday, but now it was just getting torturous. Rise just giggled as she stole a glance at Yu, herself.
"I'll give him his chocolate later! I've got some stuff to take care of right now, but I'll call you soon," she explained. I could feel whatever hope I had start to drain away at her words. Giving a guy chocolate separate from everyone else? That basically confirmed it... And this was Rise. Risette. She was so bubbly, kind, and inspiring... Not to mention that she was basically clinging off of Yu the moment she joined the team. What chance did I have against that?
"Does that mean... Uh..." Chie groaned. It looked like I wasn't the only one that felt crushed by that. But... Chie, too? Were they both interested in him? Were they... Were they both actually dating him? No, that couldn't be right. This was Yu. He understood me. He believed in me. And I believed in him. He wouldn't hurt me or anybody else like that.
...right?
I missed what Rise said as she walked out of the classroom, but I did catch her speaking to Naoto on her way out. I couldn't quite make out what she said to the blue haired girl, but I could hear the words "I'm not gonna lose." Lose? This... This was just going to keep getting worse and worse, wasn't it?
Naoto nodded to herself as she walked, somewhat timidly, up to the six of us and addressed Yu. "Senpai..." she uttered softly. I almost reeled from the change in tone compared to her usual voice. It was so light. Fragile. And... feminine. Has she acted like this in front of Yu before? Naoto seemed to catch herself, and cleared her throat before speaking in her usual, professional tone. "Senpai, I have to talk to you later, so I'll see you then," she stated. She turned and walked right out of the room without a second glance at anyone. I turned to see how Kanji was doing, but his obliviousness was as boundless as ever.
"What was all that?" he asked, clearly confused. I felt bad for the guy. He didn't even have a clue as to what that was just now... Yosuke sighed as he went to pat Kanji on the back.
"Oh well, Kanji... Guess we're spending time with each other today!" Yosuke lamented. Kanji, of course, just went along with it. That poor innocent soul. I sighed and turned away to see Yukiko grab her bag of chocolates. Don't tell me... Was she going to do the same thing as Rise? Was Yu going to see her after all of this? Or Naoto? Or Chie? Or-
I took a deep breath as I realized I was about to have some kind of panic attack. This stress was killing me. I've never been... I've never actually opened up to someone like I have to Yu. Sure, I had the rest of the Investigation Team there to help me after I confronted my Shadow, but... Yu was there for me with everything that came after. He was the only one that I felt truly accepted every part of me, and loved me for all of it. So... So why was this happening? Why was- no, no no no. Stop thinking like that. You love him. You trust him. He's never let you down before. He won't let you down now. I nodded to myself, and looked up to see Yukiko about to speak. Sorry, Yuki, but it was my turn. Yu had a choice to make, and I was still in the running.
"Hey, Yu?" I said, much shakier than I had intended. That drew the entire team's investigation. I was always Mr. Perfect. Cool, calm, confident... Even if they knew it was all a facade, it didn't keep me from playing the part. So a shaky voice on my part was shocking news in and of itself. Dammit... Don't let him hurt you before he's even done anything, Reiji! You still have a chance! Prove it! Prove that you're the one for him! I brought out my most charming smile and turned to the center of just about everyone's affections that day. Meeting his gray eyes was a difficult feat, but I needed every bit of control I could get in this situation. "You mind stopping by the soccer field before you head home? I'm pretty nervous about giving my special someone their chocolate today. Could probably use some of that sagely wisdom of yours," I said. It wasn't exactly a lie. I was a nervous wreck about giving him his chocolate, and him coming could calm me down quite a bit. If it was for the right reason.
"Wait, you're giving chocolate to someone? I thought the girl was the one that was supposed to give out the chocolate?" Yosuke questioned. I just shrugged. That question was one of the few things I was actually prepared for, today.
"I mean, I'd feel bad just getting something without giving in return. Besides, it's like Rise said earlier. Today's for giving out chocolate to the people you like. Who says the guys can't give back?" I explained. Yosuke and Kanji still seemed clueless, but one glance at Chie told me she understood what I had asked Yu. She looked like she was gonna be sick... I probably looked like that, too, earlier. I nudged her shoulder and gave a small smile. "Good luck, Chie," I whispered. She looked bewildered for a second, but eventually nodded back at me. I guess Rise was right to treat this like a competition earlier. Yukiko was gripping her bag of chocolate rather tightly, so I took that as my cue to leave. "Anyway, I'll see you later, Yu." I rushed out, trying to get as far away from Yukiko as possible. That girl was a whole other kind of scary.
As I reached the door, I shot one last glance back at Yu. Our eyes met again and...
...
I rushed out of the doorway and practically sprinted away from the classroom. I could already feel my heart breaking into pieces. That look he gave me. It wasn't the reassurance I was hoping for. Or that infamous, deadpan expression of his. That stare... It was pity.
In... Two... Three... Four... Out... Two... Three... Four...
I was trying my best to keep my breathing steady as I waited by the empty soccer field. I needed to keep calm, or else I was going to crush the delicate, sea green box in my hands. He was taking quite a while. Then again, quite a few people asked to see him in private, and I doubted he would be looking forward to any of them. Any except for one. Honestly, I should've been happy it was taking so long. That meant that my chances were higher. Right?
...who was I kidding?
The sun was low in the sky when he finally arrived. The orange glow illuminated the field like candlelight, the warmth of the light contrasting the bitter chill of the winter wind. "You actually came? I'm honestly a little surprised," I said. Yu was directly in front of me, but he couldn't meet my eyes. He was using my trick, whenever I got nervous talking with someone. He was glancing near me, and behind me, but never right at me. "I wasn't sure what to think when you didn't text me back," I pushed. "You're usually on top of that kind of thing. You had me a little worried." The silver-haired teen had yet to respond. He looked... Uncomfortable. Like he didn't want to be here.
Like he didn't want to be here with me.
I had to look away as I held out my package. A sea green box, wrapped neatly with a dark green ribbon. The bittersweet scent of dark chocolate drifted from small gap beneath the lid. "Here. These're for you," I muttered. He hesitated, but the weight eventually left my hands. Now I just had to deal with the weight that wouldn't leave my chest. "I made them with my mom, and taste tested them myself, so don't worry. They're not gonna poison you or anything. I would've bypassed that risk entirely and bought something, but... You always seemed the type to enjoy handcrafted things so... I just- I figured, you know?" I babbled. Honestly, I wished I had made those chocolates after asking him if he wanted to meet up today. It would've burned off a lot of nervous energy. Yu still stood there, refusing to look me in the eyes. My throat tightened with each second he let that silence hang in the air. I tried to take some deep breaths, but I couldn't get enough air. My chest was in too much pain to let it in. Yu... Why were you doing this to me?
"I was actually hoping that we could try them out together... but I guess you already have plans, huh?" I croaked. I practically gasped for air, trying to keep breathing. Yu finally met my eyes at the ungodly noise. His eyes were full of concern. Fear. Worry. All for me. But... Again, that soul crushing pity was still distinguishable among the mix of emotions. I managed to swallow past the huge lump in my throat as I practically begged him to end the silence. "C'mon, say something... Anything... Please?" I must've looked as bad as I sounded, because Yu seemed physically hurt by my plea.
He hesitated for a moment before he answered. "We can still go out tomorrow. Just the two of us." My heart dropped at his words, and tears threatened to fall with it. That settled it. He'd made his choice. And it wasn't me. The invisible grip on my lungs tightened, and my throat felt like it was going to strangle itself. Yet, somehow, I still managed to choke out a response.
"...oh. I see. I guess I lose, then," I muttered. No... No that didn't feel right. I slowly shook my head at my own wording. "No, that's not right. Saying I 'lost' makes all of this sound like a game. But... It was so much more than that," I explained. I had put my feelings, my dignity, and my heart on the line trying to win his love. And I lost it all in one day. He took it all away from me. Was it my fault for offering it all in the first place? But... I... I couldn't help it. I didn't expect I'd fall in love so hard. He was the one that swept me off my feet. How else was I supposed to react? I looked up, trying to will his eyes to meet mine, even as the orange sunlight glared in my own. "Is... Is that why it's not me? Because I took things too seriously? Or... Or is it because I'm not... Like the girls? Please, I just... I need a reason why it can't be me." I choked on my words as I tried to reason out my thoughts. Everything was so jumbled and confusing. Yu brought me so much happiness over the past few months. It felt like he brought me back to life! So how was he able to hurt me so badly? Yu started to reach an arm out, but he faltered. Ha. He couldn't even bring himself to help me. How cruel. Yu seemed near tears as well as he watched me silently shake and sob in front of him. He used to always know what to do to calm me down. He was there to support me. But, now, something was keeping him from doing that. Or, in this case, someone. I let out a broken sigh at the thought. That's right. He's doing this because he loves someone, too.
"Sorry... That's not fair to you, is it? It's not like you can choose who you fall in love with, right? I mean... I didn't get to decide." I took in a deep breath as I tried to finally regain control over myself. Yu... He was special to me. I didn't think I would ever forgive him for this pain... But that didn't mean I wanted him hurt, either. What I really wanted was for the both of us to be happy. But... That was never really an option, was it? "I saw the way you'd look at the girls sometimes," I revealed. Each word I spoke was a battle hard fought, at this point. I turned my back on Yu so that he couldn't see just how hard it was physically to even get these words out. But I knew I had his attention. For just a little while longer, I had Yu's attention. He was willing to listen to me. To understand me. "Even when I saw you with them, or the way you'd smile at them... Somehow I thought I could take your heart for myself. I know it sounds selfish. Wanting to take the heart of someone that's clearly in love with someone else... But..." A memory began to play in my mind. The night that I knew I had fallen in love. The night that Yu comforted me as I wept at the shrine. I had felt completely and utterly alone. I felt lost inside my own head. And yet, there he was. My hero. He made me feel safe. Happy. Loved. "You said that I wasn't alone, because you'd be there for me. And I actually believed you." I could practically feel the verbal slap I had given him. The recoil of his silhouette on the ground below was proof that he had received it, loud and clear. I had just hurt the man I loved, after saying I wanted no such thing. I couldn't help but let out a bitter laugh. "Haha... It's almost funny, isn't it? Here I thought I finally found solace from the world... But in the end, I just feel more alone than ever." Some strangled noise made its way out of Yu's throat, and I couldn't help but look back at him. The same emotions that I had registered before were still present. The concern, the fear... A few new emotions had entered his expression. Sadness, pain, regret... And yet, that damnable pity was still the most clear one. I tried so hard to be understood, but... I don't think my feelings had actually reached him. Maybe they never reached him in the first place.
"You won't always be alone," Yu managed to ground out, somehow conforming those strangled syllables into a complete sentence. Just as I thought. He really didn't understand the impact he had, did he? I sighed, feeling a small amount of the crushing weight on my chest disappear as I gave up. I gave up on trying to be understood, on trying to keep myself from breaking down, and on my love for this wonderful, cruel person.
"That's what I was afraid of," I admitted. Yu stepped forward, but I immediately took two steps back, as the dam finally started to break and my tears began to flow. "I hope you enjoy the chocolates. I love you," I confessed. Before I could hear any kind of response, I ran across the field and as far from Yasogami High as I could.
Valentine's Day was a day where you were supposed to give chocolates to the people that were special to you. And, despite the shattered remains of my heart in my chest, Yu would always be special to me.
*Awkwardly waves and cringes* Yeah... I don't know why, but I felt compelled to write this. Nothing to do with my own experience on Valentines, just... I like sad moments in games, for some reason, and wanted to try my hand at breaking hearts, I guess. If anyone was wondering, this is just some original stand in character I made for this scene, though I'm a little tempted to write a P4G OC insert with this guy, without the Yu romance and heartbreak. Go ahead and tell me what you think!