If Only………..

Disclaimer: Nope, I don't own TT, either young or old. I do however, own several neat pairs of froggy earrings and one very spoiled Sealyham Terrier!

*This story concerns the episode 'How Long Is Forever' and may contain spoilers for some people.

If only.

Such small words, yet put them together and they can become a very heavy burden indeed.

If only we had listened to Starfire when she was trying to tell us about friendship.

If only Warp hadn't decided to rob the museum.

If only we hadn't answered that call.

If only Starfire hadn't gone into that portal.

If only Robin was able to prevent her.

If only.

What a depressing way to begin a journal, right? But then I have nothing better to do, now that the crowds have gone and hopefully sufficiently entertained. Or at least reasonably so. From the money in the box tonight I can look forward to a few meals in the future. I was going to just sit back and watch tv when I happen to glance at the calendar and note the date. 19 years to the day when Starfire disappeared. 19 long years. I then decided to write down the events since then in this notebook.

I don't know why. No-one will read it. I can't publish it. It's not like the memoirs of Beast Boy would become a number one best-selling novel. Perhaps it's best no-one else knows. So after I write this I'll most likely destroy it. Burn it, or just turn into a goat and eat it. Heh. Have to recycle, you know.

But I think it will help this depression I've found myself sinking into lately. Day after day of meaningless exhibition to people who really don't care. Or worse, think they have the right to throw things and jeer at me. What is their problem? Maybe they're just jealous. After all, let's see THEM morph into a walrus! Spoiled brats, the lot of them. If it weren't for me and the rest of the Titans, most of them probably wouldn't have had the opportunity to be born! Ingrats. I bet it would just rankle them if they realize how much they owe the short, bald, fat guy in the cage. Heh, 'rankle'. Yes Raven, my vocabulary has increased beyond the word 'boogers'.

But I'm getting off topic here. I'll start where it all began. Or rather, ended.

Starfire followed Warp into the portal, with Robin close behind. The portal shrank and disappeared, leaving Robin and us staring where it used to be in shock. Starfire was gone. And we had no idea where, or when. We waited around for a few minutes, then the minutes turned into hours. Still no Starfire.

"Let's get back to the tower," Cyborg suggested then. "After all, she knows where it is! When she comes back, she'll head there anyway."

Good idea, I thought, but Robin slammed his fist on the nearest exhibit and exclaimed "NO!" We all looked at him and he seemed to give in a little. "She'll be back soon." He said. "I know she will."

"Cyborg is right," Raven said in that flat but certain way of hers. "If Starfire does return, she'll head back home."

Robin caught that word as if it were an attack. "What do you mean 'IF'?" he glared. "She WILL be coming back!"

"Ok ok," I tried to calm things down a bit. "It's cool, dude. WHEN she gets back from…wherever she is, we'll be waitin' for her. At home. Ok?"

We finally managed to convince Robin to leave the dark museum and head back home. But it didn't seem much like home anymore. It was quiet now, and the sight of the beads Starfire had tried to offer us earlier just made it worse. Raven went to her room to meditate, Robin went to the gym for another one of his workouts, while Cy and I sat on the couch. We just sat there. No video games, or movies or anything. We didn't even turn on the tv. Just sat there contemplating the silence. If we spoke, it was just simple sentences and expected no answer. The whole thing felt so unreal, like we were almost zombies at that point.

The first night was the worse. I don't know what dreams the others had but mine shook me up real well. I was in this dark hall and kept hearing the others call for me, but no matter where I turned, they were still further away. I felt so alone in that dream.

At breakfast the next morning still not much speaking. Everything was tasteless and I didn't even have the heart to bug Cyborg about his ham and eggs. They probably tasted the same to him anyway. Afterwards Raven went back to her room, Robin to his, while Cyborg went down to work on his car again. I tried watching tv, then a new video game, but neither held my interest for long. They just didn't seem fun anymore.

Then a call came in and we answered. Small potatoes, some car thief. After we delivered him over to the authorities we looked at each other as if asking who would suggest some celebration, but no-one did. Went back to the Tower for more of the same.

5 days later we were still in that same funk routine, hardly speaking, hardly trying to be together. It was like we were reminding each other of our loss. We couldn't even bring ourselves to pick up the scattered beads Star had dropped on the floor. It was an unspoken agreement that they remain there until Star herself retrieved them. Then Raven uttered those fatal words after a week from Starfire's disappearence.

"She's not coming back, you know. We might as well forget it and go on."

We stared at her in shock. Those were the words we were denying ourselves, refused to say even though we felt them in our hearts. To hear them spoken out loud made it hurt worse. It was almost like a spell, or good luck charm. If we didn't say anything like that, then of course Starfire would return. The hope was still there but now. The spell was broken, the charm spoiled. And we knew Raven only spoke the truth. She couldn't do anything less.

But we couldn't help but lash back in our helplessness and sorrow. Cyborg drew himself up to his full height and glared. "I don't believe that."

"No! She'll come back! You'll see!" I put in, trying to glare as fiercely as Cy.

Robin clenched his teeth and flushed almost to his hair roots. I thought he was going to choke. "No!" he shouted as he had back in the museum. "Starfire will be back! We can't give up hope like that! She WILL get back!"

"Be reasonable, Robin." Raven said in that same monotone voice. "A week, no word, no clue, nothing. How can she get back? We don't know 'when' she went. She could be anywhere and she doesn't have any time travel equipment that Warp had." She floated up in front of Robin. "Face it. She. Is. Gone."

"NOO!" Robin whirled on her and for a horrible moment I thought he was going to strike at her. "She WILL be back! We just have to wait. Wait longer."

"How long? Another week? A month?" Here Raven paused, then… "A year?"

Our leader stood there with clenched fists, trembling with rage, then he whirled about and left the room. Cy and I stood there frozen, unsure what to do. Then Cy pulled a boner of his own.

"You and Star, you were just getting' to know each other," he mused. "Almost like sisters, in fact. You miss her too, right?"

Raven stiffened, and then I felt this terrible wave of power I had never before or since felt. It was like being waist deep in the ocean and suddenly the water just pulls away from you, almost taking you with it. That's how that power surge felt, sucking from all around to center in Raven. Then she spun about and let it loose. And I do mean loose!

The tv and the whole back wall of the Tower were blasted out in one swoop and Raven hovered there with her eyes glowing with power. But they weren't glowing red as that time when Cy and me were in her head and met her other personalities. No, this was a glowing purple, as if all the sorrow in her soul was represented by that color. Then it faded and when she saw what she had done, she turned and left with out a word.

Cy and I didn't know what to do. What had been our home now had this overwhelming picture window without the benefit of glass . Cy stepped back and stepped on one of the beads. It crunched with a sickening final sound. Cy looked down and then he too left the room. I was alone.

What to do now? I couldn't do anything else but fling myself on the couch and cry. It was too much. Too much and too soon. I was lost and had nowhere and noone to turn to.

After I had gotten control of myself, I decided I had to rejoin the others. We were still a team, after all. But Cy, head buried in the inside of the car, just ignored me, grumbling something about an oil change. He had done just that only 3 weeks before, but I didn't think it was a good time to remind him of that.

Raven's door was locked tight, as I expected. I didn't know what I was going to say to her anyway.

Robin was outside on the practice range, angrily kicking and hitting the targets. He was really throwing himself into it and as young as I was, I knew why. When he was fighting, Robin didn't have to think. His body just takes over and reacts. Don't think, don't think, just do! As long as he was working out, he wasn't thinking about Starfire.

I envied him. I had nothing to distract me from our loss.

Oh, I know what you're thinking, you little spiral bound notebook. 'Why didn't he just change into a cute little sheep or llama and go off in a nice quiet pasture somewhere and just mindlessly chew the cud?' Well, it just doesn't work that way.

When I morph into an animal, I gain the creature's form, its size and its abilities, but none of its instincts. The essence of what makes the animal isn't in me, I remain Beast Boy in the mind. And if you think about it, it's a good thing. Say in the midst of a battle I had gained the form of a Tyrannasaurus Rex and had devoured the bad guy instead of arresting him, along with a few other citizens within a 20 yard radius. No, that wouldn't look good for a crime fighter's career. And it wouldn't go very well on my stomach either.

So, no matter what form I took, my thoughts would still be the same. No Starfire, and everyone was taking it hard.

I don't think it necessary to describe what went on each day and the weeks thereafter, as they were pretty much all the same. We didn't go back to the main room, where Raven had blasted that huge hole into, and we began to avoid each other.

Out of sheer desparation I even tried going back to school! Talk about disasters. For once in my life I was really trying to achieve something and all the other kids wouldn't let me. It's bad enough being green but to be constantly pestered into changing for their amusement soon got on my nerves. "Hey Beast Boy! Turn into a lion!" "Hey Beast Boy! Be a gorilla!" "Be a giraffe!" "Be a komodo dragon!" How was I supposed to get my studies done?

And why bother study anyway? It's not like I had a bright future career afterwards. Yeah, can you see -me- as accountant material?

So it wasn't long before I gave that up also.

I tried to talk Cy into becoming a team of our own, but he just shook his head. I didn't understand it then, it was like the heart had gone out. His batteries uncharged, so to speak.

I tried the crime-fighting bit on my own, but that was a bad idea. A VERY bad idea. You see, I'm not the bold hero type like Robin. Sure I can fight but only as a team. I'm not ashamed to admit I'm a follower and not a leader. I work well with others. No, I work -best- with others. After all, those criminals fight rough and when it gets down to the nitty gritty, it's good to have someone watching your back. How many times would any of us gotten creamed if it hadn't been for another stepping in? Plenty, I can tell you!

So now what? The only option for someone like me was the circus act bit. And that's where I went. After all, I -am- classified as a 'freak'. But let me tell you something, the others in the show don't use that word as an insult, rather it's a source of pride. We're different, we can do things few others can. All the 'normal' people, we have a word for them too. 'Mudane'. As in 'ordinary'. Heh, so there.

But that lasted only as long as they stayed in the city. When they were getting ready to leave, I found I didn't have the heart to join them. My home was here. I couldn't just pack up and pull up all my roots. Not now.

I spent a bit of my earnings on one of their larger fancier wagons and set up my own little 'One Man Circus' show at the edge of the park. At first the cops bothered me, something about permits and such like, but of course they could find nothing on the law books anywhere prohibiting it. They left me alone after that.

Years went by. I kept in touch with the others as best I could. Cy I saw most of all, mostly at the bar. Oh don't look at me like that! We just get together for a few beers. We're older now! We can do that!

Raven I gave up on. She rented a permanent room in a local institution and that's where she stays. Cy visited her only once, but I hung on for a bit longer. But then the one-sided conversations even got to me. I think my last visit was 5 years ago.

Robin we saw once in a great while. I'm not even sure what he did all those first years without Star. And then, it happened.

Cy and I were in our usual spots, with our usual beers, talking about our usual talk when the tv program in the room was switched over to the news. The anchor reporter was talking about how an elderly man had been found badly beaten in a deserted wharf. He later died of his injuries. As the man was described Cy and I looked at each other in silent horror. Only one person fit.

Slade.

We sat in stunned silence, like we did in the Tower after Star's absence. Again we felt the truth in our hearts but we didn't want to speak them.

But damn, Cy's more direct than me. He just -had- to blurt it out, like Raven.

"It was Robin. He did it."

"No."I didn't want to believe it. "There's so many out there who could have. Look at all the cronies he surrounded himself with. Maybe they just wanted a raise or something and he refused. So they pounded him."

My feeble attempt at a joke made Cy growl. "You know as well as I do he did it. He was after this guy for -years- and when he found him, he just couldn't contain himself."

"But…but…Robin couldn't….he….wouldn't" I sputtered over the words. "Not…not Robin."

"He ain't the same guy we knew." Cy stated as he drained his beer. "He never was, after Star."

We spent the rest of that evening in silence, then paid the bill and left. We said our goodnights (having decided never to use the word 'goodbye') and he turned to go back to the Tower and I to my cage.

As I was unlocking the door, I heard a slight noise behind me. I turned, but it was gone. Then a shadow appeared in the distance. I found my voice at the shape.

"Robin! Robin, where have you been? Cy and me were worried, y'know."

He didn't say anything, just stood there, staring at the ground. This made me angry for some reason.

"Dammit Robin! Speak! What's the matter with you? Are you too good enough now for us? Too good for the team? Huh? Is that it?"

Still nothing. I stepped forward, my fists clenched. "What about Star!? What would she say if she saw you like this? Think she'd like it? Do you!? Well?"

The shadow flinched at that, but still I got no response.

"Robin, what about Slade. Did you do that? Robin, did you….." here my voice faltered but I pressed on. "Robin, did you……kill Slade?"

And just like that the shadow was gone. No answer, nothing.

I remember reading some books that had a passage along the lines of 'and the silence was deafening.' I used to snicker at stuff like that. After all, how could silence deafen?

But it can, my little spiral bound friend, it can. For that was the silence I heard the last time I saw Robin. It's thick. And heavy. And it not only can deafen you, but also drive you mad.

Is that what happened to you, Raven? The silence? All around you, with no voices of friends to break it up? I understand now.

I was supposed to meet Cy at the bar tonight, but I don't feel like it now. We'll only go over the memories again.

And the 'If only's'.

If only…….

If……..

Only………

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