Thank You, Heavenly
Theme Song: "Let It Roll" by Divide the Day
SEASON 6
EPISODE 16
Airdate: February 28, 2018
"100 Things to Do When You Skip School"
Special Guest Stars: Dorien Wilson as Mr. Frax
#TYH616
SCENE 1
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
One night while doing homework, Wade writes something in his notebook and then closes it. He has a row of pencils sitting at his table, and he makes sure each pencil is perfectly arranged in order of size. He then takes out a list that has his classes written down. The list reads: "Art, History, Math, Cool-Down Session, Pre-English Exercise, English," with "Art" and "History" already crossed out. Wade crosses out "Math," and then leaves the room. Cut to Wade drinking a bottle of water in the kitchen. He smacks his lips, then stretches both of his legs. Back in his room, Wade does a few squats, then returns to his table and takes a pencil out of a small red case that reads "English."
WADE: How sweet it is.
SCENE 2
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Buster walks up to Sparky the next day at his locker. Sparky looks to be dozing off and he has his back turned to Buster.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky. Say, did you...
Buster seems to notice that something is wrong with Sparky. He begins tapping him on his shoulder.
BUSTER: Sparky? Buddy? Are you dead?
SPARKY: AH, I KNOW THE ANSWER! Oh, hey Buster, you ready to go for lunch?
BUSTER: Sparky, first period hasn't started yet.
SPARKY: Oh God, I'm losing my mind, man. I was up all night trying to finish my English essay.
BUSTER: Me too. All these new grammar rules are pissing me off. If I have to hear the difference between you're and your one more time, I'm going to punch someone in the face.
At that point, RK and Jaylynn walk up to the guys.
JAYLYNN: Hey, do you guys know if they let kids in the fourth grade work at McDonald's?
SPARKY: No, they don't.
JAYLYNN: Well, they need to start because my ass is dropping out.
BUSTER: I think Jaylynn has the right idea. They're trying to kill us. They know we're reaching our final days and they're going to make sure they go out swinging with the grand finale.
JAYLYNN: What?
BUSTER: I know what I said when I said it.
RK: See, you guys need to give me my props. I've been talking about how awful this place is for years, and now that you guys have finally decided to wake up to the bullshit, I think I should get some love for seeing it before anyone else did.
SPARKY: You didn't see anything since you barely do the work anyway.
RK: Oh no, Sparky, that was part of the plan. By not doing homework, I save up my energy for the more important things in life. Watching TV, eating, and admiring the beautiful sunset that never disappoints.
JAYLYNN: I don't see how not doing homework makes you appreciate the sunset.
RK: Can you recall the last time you watched the sunset, live and in person?
JAYLYNN: Nope, not at all.
RK: The time you spend doing homework could be used for that.
Wade walks up to the guys while whistling.
WADE: Hey guys.
SPARKY: Wade, how are you able to whistle? Didn't you have the same homework we did?
WADE: Yeah. And I did it all in an hour and a half.
BUSTER: Hey, Wade, could you build a machine where we switch brains for a month so I could get my grades up?
WADE: I wish, but if I did that, you wouldn't want to switch back, and then I would have no choice but to kill you.
BUSTER: Ah, don't worry, Wade, you can't kill me. I take my vitamins.
WADE: Okay? You know, you guys aren't as stressed out as you think you are. It's not that bad.
JAYLYNN: How is it not that bad? Being trapped in a box and getting countless hours of homework that we can't even finish? I'm dying here, man.
WADE: Well, you could always start earlier.
Beat.
JAYLYNN: Go to your room.
SCENE 3
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids, minus Wade, are all working on their homework. RK is watching them.
SPARKY: Hey Buster, did you borrow my pencil yesterday?
BUSTER: Oh yeah, let me get that for you.
JAYLYNN: That's it! I can't take this shit anymore!
BUSTER: Don't worry, Jaylynn. If you want, you can give me a pencil and I can return it to you later.
JAYLYNN: No, it's not that. It's this damn school. How much more homework can we get? It's supposed to help us remember what we learned, not take over our lives. You know what I should do? I should drop out and just start rapping like Eminem did. Then I'll never have to do homework again.
SPARKY: Have you written any songs?
JAYLYNN: God, no. You really think a half-white ten-year-old girl is going to be taken seriously in hip hop?
RK: Jaylynn, I have to say, I love your new attitude.
JAYLYNN: Don't start having a crush on me or anything.
RK: And just like that, I take away the praise.
BUSTER: Jaylynn's right. It's not fair that we have to do all this work while adults sit around playing video games all day. Why can't we be more like them?
RK: Because the school system hates your guts and wants you to die?
BUSTER: I used to think that was crazy, but hearing it from you just makes so much sense.
SPARKY: I hate all this homework too, guys, but what can we do? Skip school?
RK: Why not? Everybody needs a day off.
SPARKY: Yeah, but we can't just ditch. It wouldn't be right.
JAYLYNN: Yes, it would. Black Panther is all anyone can talk about and I need to see it.
BUSTER: Why can't we see Paddington 2?
RK: Because none of us smoke crack, that's why.
BUSTER: Have you seen the reviews?
RK: Have you wondered what life would be like if you finally put down the pipe?
JAYLYNN: There's always the multiplex. Anyone can see any movie they want, just as long as I gets my Black Panther.
RK: Forget it. We can't go to a place where we'll get caught. I'm pretty sure they're showing Black Panther at the two-dollar theatre. That way, we don't draw attention to ourselves.
SPARKY: Okay, we're coming up with this master plan to skip school and we haven't even agreed to anything yet. Why don't we talk to Wade about it first?
BUSTER: Wade's not our dad. It wasn't his idea.
SPARKY: Yeah, but he's part of the group too. If we're skipping school to go have fun, we can't just leave him out.
RK: You know what? That's a good idea. Everyone needs to be on the same page for this. Let's go over to Wade's and work everything out.
BUSTER: And when we do that, we can also ask him if we should see Paddington 2.
RK: Buster, there's nothing cool about the life of a crackhead.
SCENE 4
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is on his laptop when the kids walk into the living room.
SPARKY: Hey Wade, what's new?
WADE: What's up, guys? I'm just getting a head start on my Black History Month report. This year, I'm doing Cornelius Marsalis. Did you know that he was the first African-American scientist to win a Nobel Prize?
BUSTER: Did someone kill him?
RK: Dude...
BUSTER: I'll bet it was an intricate plot by the government.
WADE: No, he wasn't killed. He fell down an elevator shaft and broke his neck, but that's another story.
JAYLYNN: Well, we came over here because we wanted to tell you we're gonna cut school.
WADE: Wait, what?
JAYLYNN: But don't worry. It's okay because we're all going to see Black Panther.
WADE: You can go to the movies any time, and you want to do it at the expense of missing school?
RK: Don't worry, guys, I got this. Wade, think about it this way. This month, we celebrate black achievements. Marvel is capitalizing on this month-long holiday by releasing a movie about a black superhero. So by cutting school to see Black Panther, we are not only celebrating Black History Month, but we are also endorsing the world that the movie created. We're making a political statement.
WADE: No, don't do that. Please don't do that.
RK: Do what?
WADE: Please don't rationalize what you're doing by trying to make this into something political. It's just a movie.
RK: Yeah, but Wade, Kendrick Lamar though.
WADE: What about Kendrick Lamar?
RK: The movie soundtrack might be his ticket to an Oscar. You know, unless they say the wrong guy won.
WADE: All of that sounds great for Kendrick, but I'm not taking that chance. We can just see Black Panther this weekend. The movie will be on me.
JAYLYNN: You're kinda getting rid of the excitement and danger that comes with doing this.
BUSTER: Wade, I don't get it. What's the big deal with missing one day of school?
WADE: It's the fact that we have to ditch in order to do this. People are obviously going to notice we're gone. And we're probably going to miss something too.
RK: Man, what do you think is going to happen? We're going to skip school, and then there's going to be a carnival, or a circus, or a live performance from a famous pop star? Dude, this isn't a 90s cartoon.
WADE: It just might be.
SPARKY: Look, Wade, I'm not completely cool with this whole thing, but I think we all need a break. And you do, too. You're a damn workhorse. Even when we're on vacation, you still work.
Cut to a flashback where the kids are watching TV at Sparky's house, while Wade is doing homework.
RK: Wade, what are you doing?
WADE: Just some long division.
SPARKY: In JULY?!
Cut to the present day.
WADE: Those are mind drills. I can't just take two months off like that without making sure my skills aren't sharpened.
SPARKY: Well, I really think this would do us some good. We can't spend the rest of the school year working at this pace. Otherwise, we'll get burnt out from the exhaustion and our grades will drop.
WADE: Wait, are you serious? That could happen?
SPARKY: Of course. It happened to RK when he was younger and look at him now.
RK: That never happened to me.
SPARKY: Dude, I'm trying to seal the deal. You of all people should know that.
WADE: Well, you guys make an interesting point. I mean, I guess I could just pick up on the report later this week. Then move around some other stuff, da da da da...Wade starts mumbling to himself while counting on one of his hands.
BUSTER: Oh my God, is he having a seizure?
WADE: Okay, you guys, you're on. Let's ditch school. But if this is going to happen without any trouble, I want to be the creative director. We need to do things my way.
JAYLYNN: Your way? Oh, you must be dreaming.
RK: Jaylynn, don't screw up the money here.
SCENE 5
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all gathered around the coffee table the next day.
WADE: Alright, guys. It took some doing, but I was able to come up with two surefire ways to cut school with no mistakes whatsoever. The first plan is that we leave school in the middle of the day, and the second is that we just call in sick and not show up at all.
SPARKY: It might be a little too suspicious if we all just happen to not show up.
WADE: I was hoping you would say that. That's why my first plan is the better one. We walk into school like we normally would, then leave sometime around lunch. We go towards the back entrance like we're headed for recess, but we're really trying to find the getaway car.
RK: The getaway car? We're trying to see a movie, not escape from Alcatraz.
WADE: We can't drive our cars to school, then drive to the movie. We're setting ourselves up to get caught. That's why we need a getaway car.
SPARKY: So who drives the car?
WADE: It has to be someone that's not in the group. Someone that can't be traced back to us.
JAYLYNN: So we need someone that can also be the fall guy.
RK: Yeah, like that person's going to magically fall from the sky.
At that point, RK gets a phone call.
RK: Hey, it's Anna. RK picks up the phone. What's up, babe? The White Mamba's at your service, yes, he is.
SPARKY: You're not going to say it?
WADE: I just decided to wait until he gets bored with calling himself that.
RK: So what's going on?
Cut to Anna.
ANNA: Well, my school's closed tomorrow because it's being quarantined. Some kid died from asbestos, I don't know, but the good news is, I have no school!
Cut back to RK.
RK: I don't see how that benefits me in any way.
Cut back to Anna.
ANNA: Well, I could pick you up after school and we can go cruising around.
Cut back to RK.
RK: Wait, you have your own car, that you'll be driving around aimlessly tomorrow since you have no school?
Cut back to Anna.
ANNA: Yeah. I don't need you to repeat what I just said, I want a real conversation, you jerk.
Cut back to RK.
RK: No, I mean, you could take us to see Black Panther. We're ditching school and we need a getaway car.
Cut back to Anna.
ANNA: Wait, seriously? Oh my God, I'd love to do that!
Cut back to RK.
RK: Yes! This completely out of nowhere twist works out in our favor!
Cut to a bored RK digging into an upside-down magician's hat labeled "Sitcom Contrivances" while standing in front of a white backdrop. He takes out a small piece of paper, smiles, and then puts it in his pocket. He then looks up at the camera.
RK: What? We get one, okay?!
SCENE 6
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next day, Sparky and Buster are at their lockers.
BUSTER: Sparky, I'm scared. I've never ditched school before. What if we get shot?
SPARKY: Why would we get shot?
BUSTER: We could be in the middle of a gang war when the gang guys pull out the heat. We'll be goners!
SPARKY: I highly doubt that. But I still can't believe we're doing this. We're going to be outside the law. We're going to be smooth criminals.
BUSTER: Does it make you want to grunt and grab your nuts?
SPARKY: What?
RK and Jaylynn walk up to the boys.
RK: Hey guys. Today, we get to see cinematic perfection. We get to be in the presence of history. We get to witness the Black Panther in all its glory.
JAYLYNN: Did you get that from the Seattle Times?
RK: There's a Twitter account that posts about the movie and nothing but the movie. I was referencing it verbatim.
BUSTER: I still don't get why we can't see Paddington 2.
RK: Buster, unless you name a movie that doesn't make me think you're a functioning drug addict, I don't wanna hear you.
BUSTER: What about Pitch Perfect 3?
RK: I didn't wanna see the first Pitch Perfect, much less the second one. You lose.
Wade walks up to the guys.
WADE: Hey guys, are you ready to pull off the best cutting school...the best playing hooky...the best truancy that's ever been truant?
JAYLYNN: I think you shoulda stopped at the beginning.
SPARKY: Wade, I was born ready. This is going to be crazy.
BUSTER: Wait, but won't somebody miss us?
WADE: The only people that are going to miss us are us. You know, except for Halley and them but it's not like we're always around them.
JAYLYNN: It's true. Half the time, they don't even talk to me.
SPARKY: Or me.
RK: Wait a minute, I just realized something. If anything happens, Anna's going to be the fall guy. I can't do that to her.
SPARKY: You think she's gonna be mad when you tell her?
RK: I think so. I'll buy her an extra pack of Skittles and hopefully, she'll forget the whole thing.
SCENE 7
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Lunchroom
Seattle, Washington
The kids are eating lunch, but RK is noticeably absent.
BUSTER: So when are we gonna get naughty?
JAYLYNN: I don't like the way you phrased that.
WADE: RK's supposed to come with the status report soon.
SPARKY: Hey, does this two-dollar theater have chicken sauce as a popcorn topping?
WADE: Chicken sauce?
JAYLYNN: I don't think any restaurant anywhere has ever had chicken sauce.
SPARKY: The multiplex does. It's a sauce that tastes just like fried chicken. RK put me on to it, it's like butter.
BUSTER: I thought you were talking about chicken sauce.
SPARKY: No, saying it's like butter is like saying it's smooth. It's dope, it's cool.
BUSTER: Oh, okay. I guess Smart Balance butter is like butter, eh?
JAYLYNN: I think RK's right about you needing to put down the pipe.
RK runs towards the table in excitement.
RK: Alright, guys, the corn muffin is at the bakery.
SPARKY: What are you talking about?
RK: The corn muffin is at the bakery!
SPARKY: I'm at the same place I was at before, RK.
BUSTER: RK means Anna's here. It's just a little code we invented.
JAYLYNN: Wait, so you guys invented your own dog whistle and didn't bother telling anyone else about it?
RK: Jaylynn, now is not the time to poke holes in why I do things like this. Black Panther isn't going to wait for us.
WADE: Yeah, guys, let's just go before someone gets suspicious.
The group leaves the table and walks out of the back entrance.
SPARKY: Huh. I really thought somebody was gonna say something.
JAYLYNN: I think we overestimate how popular we are.
SCENE 8
Collins Cineplex
Interior Lobby
Seattle, Washington
The kids are all getting their food from the concession stand. Buster is wearing a hat and sunglasses.
ANNA: Buster, why do you look like you're getting ready to shoot at the screen?
BUSTER: I have to make sure I'm in disguise, Anna. I can't have anybody recognize me.
ANNA: So a hat and sunglasses is the way to go?
BUSTER: Hey, I spent all night thinking about my ensemble. What about you?
ANNA: I don't have an ensemble.
BUSTER: Then why try to take this from me?
Cut to RK and Sparky with their popcorn.
RK: I'm sorry they didn't have any chicken sauce here, man.
SPARKY: It's okay. I'll just have to make do with this extra butter.
BUSTER: Is the extra butter like butter, Sparky? Eh? Is it?
Beat.
SPARKY: Wait a minute, when did you take my sunglasses?
RK: Alright, guys, it's time for a spiritual awakening in movie form. It's time to witness the true power of the Black Panther.
JAYLYNN: Was that from the Twitter account too?
RK: No, actually, Rolling Stone. It got uncomfortable in the comment section, though.
SCENE 9
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids enter the house laughing and cheering.
SPARKY: Well, we pulled it off. We cut school, saw a great movie, and to top it off, we didn't even get that much homework tonight.
BUSTER: Are we going to get extra homework from the classes we missed?
SPARKY: Oh, no way. Then that would be like God punishing us for wanting to take the day off.
JAYLYNN: That reminds me. When people ask where we were today, what do we tell them?
RK: Yeah, Wade, we're going to be roadkill if we don't have any alibis.
WADE: Don't worry, guys, I took care of that. I told our associates from the Masters that if anyone asks, we all had midday doctor's appointments that we just so happened to schedule at the same time.
BUSTER: That's diabolical.
WADE: You mean, Biz Markie-level diabolical?
BUSTER: No, I was going to say, like, Plankton from The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie-level diabolical. You know, when he had Plan Z and shit?
WADE: Eh, good enough for me.
JAYLYNN: You know, Wade, I really have to hand it to you. Without your help, we couldn't have pulled this off so smoothly.
WADE: Hey, I should be thanking you guys. I get so wrapped up in school sometimes that I forget what it's like to just lay back and chill for a while.
RK: See, when it comes to the best friend lottery, let it be known that I won.
ANNA: Did you win the girlfriend lottery?
RK: Oh, you know I did.
RK and Anna start kissing.
RK: I'll see you guys at school tomorrow. When I decided to go to the movies, I bought tickets for the matinee, if you catch my drift.
Beat.
RK: You know, it came with the evening showing. The double feature, you know?
Beat.
ANNA: I don't think they get where you're going with this.
RK: Yeah, I don't even know why I try half the time. See you guys tomorrow.
KIDS: See you.
RK and Anna leave the house.
SPARKY: We all got his metaphor, right?
WADE: Yeah, I just didn't want to give him the satisfaction.
BUSTER: It was kinda weird. I mean, why would he brag about going to see Black Panther twice? Who cares?
The kids all give Buster a confused look, and then pat him back and hug him while rubbing his hair.
JAYLYNN: You're so cute when you don't know stuff.
BUSTER: Aw, I love you too, Jaylynn.
SCENE 10
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The kids walk into the school the next day side by side.
RK: Hey, how do you think these bums felt yesterday?
SPARKY: Probably bored as hell, I'd imagine.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, they probably...probably had to do Chinese arithmetic and three spelling tests and shit.
WADE: A surprise history essay that they had to complete at the end of class.
BUSTER: Yeah, and...they...they probably got assigned a reading assignment in science class!
At that point, the kids all start laughing and rolling on the floor. RK bangs his fist on the floor, and tries to collect himself, but then just starts laughing again.
ASHLEY: Guys?
JAYLYNN: Oh, hey Ashley. Man, we were just cracking up like crazy.
ASHLEY: I see. So how was the movie?
RK: What movie? I never saw any movie, QUIT GIVING ME THE THIRD DEGREE!
ASHLEY: RK, remember that talk we had the other day about you needing to use your inside voice more?
RK: Yeah.
ASHLEY: No, I don't think you do.
RK: I'm sorry, I was rehearsing. Just in case people ask me where I was yesterday, I have to keep them from trying to figure out the truth as much as I can.
ASHLEY: And you think yelling at the top of your lungs is the best way to do that?
RK: It's just something to try out. But honestly, that was one hell of a movie.
BUSTER: RK thought it was so good, he went to see it twice.
RK: No, I didn't.
SPARKY: Yes, you did, RK. You went to see it twice.
RK: Yeah, I guess I went to see it twice?
ASHLEY: Hmm. Sanna and I need to see that. Okay, well, I'll talk to you guys later.
Ashley leaves the guys alone.
SPARKY: Well, now that that's taken care of, let me check over those math problems. I always think I get everything right and I don't.
BUSTER: You could just copy off RK like I do.
SPARKY: Yeah, but when you do that, you're not really learning anything, are you?
BUSTER: That's not true. I memorize all the answers, and then when I get a question similar to it, I just put in the same answer.
SPARKY: But that...
RK: Sparky, don't knock the boy's hustle. I feel no shame passing on my knowledge.
JAYLYNN: Hey Wade, could I see your answers so I could compare them?
WADE: I guess, but I don't think I did the math homework yesterday.
Everyone looks visibly shocked as Buster takes off his bag, drops it on the floor, and then puts it back on for dramatic effect.
SPARKY: Wade, I can't remember the last time you missed an assignment.
RK: Yeah, you're like Cal Ripken, Jr. when it comes to that shit.
WADE: I guess I was a little bit too relaxed yesterday. It just felt good to go home and not have to rush to get any work done.
BUSTER: Okay, well, just make sure you straighten up. You're gonna throw off the curve for the rest of us.
WADE: Buster, my purpose in life isn't to make sure you look more intelligent by being associated with me.
BUSTER: Yeah, I know, but if you slip up, I'm gonna have to step up. And I don't know how I feel under higher expectations.
JAYLYNN: You really need to stop doing your homework with RK.
SCENE 11
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is visibly bored as he does his homework. He then sighs and throws his pencil on the floor.
WADE: Ugh, this sucks. I can't concentrate. It's like my game is off or something. Hmm, I wonder what's on TV.
Wade turns on the TV at that point and hears audience laughter.
ANGIE: George, I thought you were going to help Max with his science project.
GEORGE: I did, Angie. But the boy's brain is its own science project. Teachers probably have theories as to how he made it this far.
ANGIE: Well, like father, like son, if we're being honest.
Wade starts cackling at that point.
WADE: I forgot George Lopez had a sitcom. I kinda understand why he didn't have more.
Wade gets a phone call at that point and he picks it up.
WADE: You're with Wade.
Cut to RK on his living room couch.
RK: What...what was that?
Cut back to Wade.
WADE: Oh, so you can have RKJ, but I can't have something?
Cut back to RK.
RK: You can have something, but if that's your something, you're better off with nothing. Listen, do you have the science notes from today?
Cut back to Wade.
WADE: Oh yeah, I do. Give me a minute.
Wade opens his bag but then gets distracted by more George Lopez.
GEORGE: I don't know why Angie's making a big deal out of this. I never got help with my projects when I was a kid.
BENNY: And you wonder why you never won any science fairs.
GEORGE: Yeah, you're right. I should've done a project on how alcoholic mothers contribute to the downfall of their children. Easy A, estoy en lo cierto?
Wade begins cackling some more. He then hangs up the phone and focuses his attention on the show. Cut to the Jennings house.
RK: I can't believe this.
KG walks out of the kitchen at that point.
KG: What can't you believe?
RK: I just asked Wade for the science notes and he hung up on me.
KG: Usually, these problems are rooted in something. Did you piss him off?
RK: Well, I once said that Anna was prettier than Adriana. And then he coughed in a weird way which kinda made me think it bothered him. I mean, it was a pretty distinctive cough, so, you know...
KG: RK?
RK: Yeah?
KG: You sound like Sparky.
RK: How do you know he rambles about his grandfather?
KG: I remember one time, we were talking about stamps and five minutes later, I found out his grandpa had his own stamp club. It was short-lived.
SCENE 12
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Mr. Frax's Classroom
Seattle, Washington
MR. FRAX: With Black History Month almost over, I really hope you guys are taking the time to put extra effort into your reports. I look forward to seeing what information you all found out.
SPARKY: So Wade, how's your...
Sparky looks over at Wade and notices he is sleeping. He then taps his head with his pencil to wake him up.
WADE: Huh? Sabes que?
SPARKY: I just wanted to know how your report was going.
WADE: Well, you know, when you're doing a report, it's really important to, you know...get research. So right now, I'm still in the research stage but it should be coming together soon.
SPARKY: Really? At this point, you're normally at your conclusion.
WADE: Sparky, why do I always have to follow the same routine? If I do the work anyway, does it really matter when I do the work?
SPARKY: I guess not. I was just curious, man.
WADE: Well, hopefully, I satisfied your curiosity.
SPARKY: You kinda didn't.
WADE: Well, we can always pick this up another time. Thanks for playing.
Wade goes back to his notes while Sparky looks dumbfounded.
SPARKY: What the hell just happened?
SCENE 13
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Wade is at his locker when RK sees him and marches towards him.
RK: Hey Saltalamacchia, it's time for you to catch this cream.
WADE: What? Why?
RK: Oh, thank God you knew what that meant. I said the same thing to Ashley, and she told me that if I ever said that again, she would smack me.
WADE: Well, why are you challenging me?
RK: Because you screwed me over last night. I tried to get the science notes and you just hung up on me.
WADE: Oh, I'm sorry, RK. I got distracted watching George Lopez.
RK: George Lopez? What's George Lopez ever done for humanity?
WADE: It's a funny show. And besides, I don't always have to give you my notes. There's Sparky, Buster, Jaylynn...
RK: Man, I don't bug them for that stuff. You're my go-to guy.
WADE: Well, it wouldn't kill you to have multiple go-to guys. It would save you the frustration.
RK: Look, Wade, I would never call myself an intuitive person. But something's going on in that head of yours and I want to know what.
WADE: Nothing's going on. What's going on with you? Trying to see what's going on with me?
RK: Well, Sparky told me he had to wake you up in Frax's class and that you barely made a dent in your history report. That sounds out of character for you.
WADE: Out of character? Man, I have to get to class. I'll talk to you later.
RK: Alright, but this new Wade isn't jiving with me, man. You're gonna catch this cream one day!
Ashley manages to hear RK's declaration and walks up to him.
ASHLEY: RK, didn't I tell you I didn't wanna hear that?
RK: It wasn't...TOWARDS YOU!
SCENE 14
The Jennings Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
RK is lecturing Sparky, Buster, and Jaylynn after school.
RK: Alright, guys, I know you all have been noticing the new Wade. The times are changing and I don't like it one bit.
JAYLYNN: Yeah, he's acting a little weird now. Ever since we cut school, it's like he's been a little off.
BUSTER: Cut school? Off? Oh my God, I cracked the code! We broke Wade! This is our fault!
RK: I was really hoping this would be one of those times where it wasn't our fault.
SPARKY: Buster, what makes you think we broke Wade?
BUSTER: Think about it. For the past eight years, Wade has been living life on the straight and narrow. He's always had a plan. Then we convince him to ditch with us, and now his eyes are open to a whole new lifestyle. A lifestyle where he doesn't have to do his extra credit problems ahead of time.
JAYLYNN: That actually makes sense. I mean, if I do my English paper the night before, it doesn't matter. But Wade can't be like me. It doesn't work for him.
SPARKY: I don't know, guys. If skipping class for one day was enough to change Wade's personality, don't you think this was a long time coming?
RK: That just makes it worse! We've poked the bear. We've awoken the sleeping giant. Now it's time to put the giant to rest.
SPARKY: So what do you think we should do?
RK: We need to get Wade back on his path. We need to stop this problem before he gets into real trouble.
BUSTER: Yeah, because pretty soon, Wade will be missing assignments, doing incomplete work, handing in reports late.
JAYLYNN: And then he'll start getting C's and D's on his tests, and his GPA will drop.
RK: Who knows? This might end up affecting the rest of us.
SPARKY: Wait, so what you're saying is that if Wade goes down, I'll technically have the best grades in the group?
RK: What? Whose Sparky is this? I don't want this Sparky, what's wrong with you?
SPARKY: Okay, okay, I'm thinking about the wrong things. But now that we know the problem, what's our first move gonna be?
RK: We have to be aggressive. Pull no punches, show no mercy. We have to go straight for Wade's jugular if we have a prayer of making things right.
SCENE 15
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
The kids walk into the living room and see that Wade has his papers scattered all over the couch.
SPARKY: Wait a minute. Look at these papers. This is usually a sign that Wade is doing his homework. He likes to come home and get straight to it.
RK: I wasn't expecting you to go all Animal Planet on us, but I know what you're saying. Maybe we might be overreacting here.
Wade walks in from the kitchen with his phone.
WADE: Hey guys, how are you doing?
JAYLYNN: Hey Wade. Getting some homework done?
WADE: Well, I started, but then it just bored me so I've been on Facebook. You never realize how funny everyone is until you scroll down enough times.
BUSTER: Oh, we're dead now.
SPARKY: Look, Wade, I know it was fun to skip school and everything, but the fun's over. You can't just treat school like it doesn't matter, you have to start working again.
WADE: Oh, come on, Sparky, I'm just taking a break.
JAYLYNN: A break? You didn't even start yet!
WADE: I'm Wade. The work does itself.
RK: Wade, I didn't put so much into this friendship for you to start acting like me. See, we're a group, man. And the group works best when everyone does their job. We don't look good if you don't look good, because we're all a reflection of each other. You understand?
WADE: No, RK, I don't think I do.
RK: Alright, then let's talk some turkey, let's put the cream on the chestnuts, let's really lay all our cards on the table. You're being lazy right now. You're not yourself anymore. Last week, you were doing your homework at lunch. This week, you're sleeping in class and forgetting to give me the science notes. You're falling off, man.
WADE: I haven't fallen off, I've loosened up. Look, I've been doing homework on time and acing tests for as long as I can remember, but when I cut school, I realized I didn't need to do that routine forever. I could relax a little bit. I could enjoy the fruits of my labor. I could try to have some fun for a while. It gets exhausting being me.
BUSTER: I know what you mean, Wade. It gets exhausting being me too.
JAYLYNN: How?
BUSTER: You're so cute when you don't know stuff.
SPARKY: Alright, Wade. If you need to take a break, then I guess it can't be that bad.
WADE: Yeah, it's not. Relax, guys, it's not like I'm going to magically forget all my assignments.
SCENE 16
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
The next week, the kids walk out of their science class.
BUSTER: Man, that science test was a slam dunk. It was almost like I wasn't even taking a test.
SPARKY: I know. Hey Wade, how did it go?
WADE: I got a D.
SPARKY: A D? You? Get a D on a science test? Are you sure you're not just trying to be funny?
WADE: I'm serious. This is ridiculous. I'm Wade, I can't get a D in science.
BUSTER: Maybe your break is making you dumber.
WADE: No, it's not. I'm still the same Wade I've always been. It's just that...that...
SPARKY: That what?
WADE: Nothing.
SCENE 17
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Wade is scratching his head when he looks at his math homework.
WADE: I don't get this stuff. This is stupid. Is my brain actually slipping? Okay, Wade, time for a little mind drill. Works every time. What's a polynomial? Beat. Come on, genius, what's a polynomial?! Oh God, the guys were right. I'm falling off worse than The Boondocks.
Wade sighs and then goes to sleep. Later on, Wade ends up being slapped multiple times by another Wade.
WADE: Ah, what the hell is going on here?!
WADE #2: Wade, it's time for you to wake up and realize what's going on here.
WADE: Whoa, another Wade. Wait a minute. Are you a Wade from an alternate reality?
WADE #2: No, you idiot, I'm the same Wade. I'm the Wade that never skipped school with the guys.
WADE: So you are a Wade from an alternate reality and you just contradicted yourself?
WADE #2: Shut up, slacker boy. Look, I don't know what you're doing here, but it needs to stop right now.
WADE: I'm not doing anything. But I'm not the same Wade I used to be. I really did fall off.
WADE #2: You didn't fall off. All your symptoms are psychosomatic. You think you fell off, then eventually, it gets to the point where you really did. But you have nothing to worry about.
WADE: Okay, what's the point of this?
WADE #2: You need to understand the importance of having a balance. You were always trying to get your homework done early. Now you do your homework at breakfast and don't even finish it until you're already in class. You can't just go from one extreme to the next.
WADE: Okay, but what if...
WADE #2: No, listen to me. Okay? If you start slacking off now, you'll never pick things up again. You spent years trying to make it to the top. Don't throw it all away because you're tired of the monotony.
WADE: You know what, second Wade? You're right. This life of goofing off just isn't for me. I have to be true to myself.
WADE #2: Okay, I was trying to light a fire under your incompetent ass, not turn you into a Hallmark card.
WADE: You know, you sound pretty frustrated. That's probably a result of you not watching enough TV.
WADE #2: Yeah, you're right. I guess we both learned something from each other.
Cut to Wade waking up with his eyes widened.
WADE: A POLYNOMIAL IS AN EXPRESSION WITH MULTIPLE ALGEBRAIC TERMS! Wait, what? Wade scratches his head in confusion. Whatever, it's time for me to get that report done!
SCENE 18
iCarly Elementary School
Interior Hallway
Seattle, Washington
Wade is at his locker with the guys.
WADE: So I was able to get my report done and turn it in early.
SPARKY: That's great, Wade.
WADE: Ah, it was B-level at best. But I learned an important lesson. I really need to understand what it means to have a balance.
RK: So what are you going to do now that the old Wade's back?
WADE: Well, I think I should make a little change to my routine.
SCENE 19
The Saltalamacchia Household
Interior Bedroom
Seattle, Washington
Wade takes out his list of subjects and crosses off "Math." He then taps his pencil on "Cool-Down Session w./TV." Cut to him in the living room watching TV while drinking his water.
ANGIE: George, the signs are all there. That guy's pushing hard drugs into this neighborhood!
GEORGE: Angie, that's a stereotype. Contrary to popular belief, Mexicans don't have cartels and systematically destroy their neighborhoods with drugs. The government does that, we're just the fall guys.
Wade spits out his water and starts cackling again. Later on, he goes back to his bedroom and sits at his desk. He sighs triumphantly.
WADE: I'm back.
Cut to black. Cut to a still image of Buster and RK standing side by side while a title card next to them reads the following: "Thank You, Heavenly Presents: The Lost Candy Bar."
SCENE 20
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Cut to Buster walking into Sparky's house one afternoon while Sparky watches TV.
BUSTER: Hey Sparky, what's up?
SPARKY: Oh, I'm just depressed. I went to the corner store today to get some Twix, but they were fresh out.
BUSTER: Really? That's terrible. You're a kid, candy is one of the most important food groups!
SPARKY: That's what I said. They didn't even have any Twix in the back.
BUSTER: So you didn't get anything?
SPARKY: Well, I got Snickers, but it's not the same. You know, Twix is my all-time favorite candy bar.
BUSTER: Then you belong with your favorite candy, Sparky. I'm going to make sure you get that Twix by the end of the day.
SPARKY: Really? You don't have to.
BUSTER: Oh no, man, this is like a Greek tragedy. Or a French one. I don't know, whichever country is sadder. The point is, you deserve your favorite candy by your side.
SPARKY: Thanks buddy.
BUSTER: No problem, man. There's a corner store by my house. I should be back in no time.
SCENE 21
Three Steps Down Delicatessen
Seattle, Washington
Buster is near the cash register surrounded by the candy.
BUSTER: Dude, how do you not have Twix? This is for my best friend, man. This is important.
CASHIER: Sorry, kid, I just sold the last bar to some fat boy.
BUSTER: Of course. Fat kids always have the advantage.
Buster leaves the corner store defeated.
BUSTER: I guess I have to go back to Sparky's place and tell him I failed.
Buster looks up and sees RK walking away from the store.
BUSTER: Hey, that's RK. RK, hi! RK!
RK does not hear Buster at all and continues walking.
BUSTER: Well, time for the NFL method.
Buster runs up to RK and tackles him to the ground while screaming.
BUSTER: Hey RK, what's up?
RK: Buster, what the hell is wrong with you? You can't just tap me on the shoulder like a normal person?!
BUSTER: Sorry, man, I had to be dramatic. What are you doing in my neighborhood anyway?
RK: Well, I was just driving by here and thought I could stop for a snack. Twix?
BUSTER: No, that's okay.
Buster's eyes widen and he develops a Grinch-like smile on his face.
BUSTER: No, that's...that's alright.
RK: Dude, why do you sound like a radio DJ playing slow jams?
BUSTER: You're the fat boy!
RK: Dude, I'm not fat. Sure, I put on some pounds over the holidays but I don't see how...
BUSTER: Look, RK, I need your Twix bars.
RK: Of course, interrupt me. And no way.
BUSTER: Dude, I promised Sparky I would return to him with chocolate, and that's exactly what he's gonna get.
RK: Well, too bad. I paid for this Twix with my hard-earned money, and I can't just give it up to anyone.
BUSTER: Hard-earned? Dude, you don't have a job.
RK: You know what I mean.
BUSTER: No, I don't. Sitting here wasting my time with your shucking and jiving.
RK: Look, are you gonna pay me back what I paid for this?
BUSTER: Of course. It's not like I was going to steal it from you.
Buster begins to squint his eyes.
BUSTER: At least now that you've caught onto my true intentions. Buster pulls out his dollar. Here's my dollar. You have change?
RK: Change? The Twix costs a dollar.
BUSTER: But we're friends. Don't I get a discount?
RK: Oh, don't try jerking me, man. Fork over the Washington.
BUSTER: Just as soon as you fork over the chocolate.
RK: Oh no, any self-respecting seller has to get paid first. It's in the unwritten bylaws.
BUSTER: Right. I forgot. You used to be the, um...the candy man, right?
*deadpan* RK: I was the Chocolate King.
BUSTER: Yeah, and I put in a bid to buy the Seahawks.
Buster gives RK the money and RK gives him the Twix.
BUSTER: Nice doing business with you.
RK: You too. Now, if you excuse me, I'm going to get a Crunch bar to fill the void.
RK walks into the corner store while Buster smiles with the candy bar.
BUSTER: Great. Now I can brighten up Sparky's day.
At that point, an unknown person snatches Buster's candy bar.
BUSTER: COME BACK HERE WITH THE CANDY!
Buster chases after the thief and he uses the NFL method once again to take him down. Buster then traps the thief in a hammerlock.
BUSTER: That's...Sparky's...candy. And now you're gonna pay.
SCENE 22
The MacDougal Household
Interior Living Room
Seattle, Washington
Later on, Buster returns with his shirt torn and covered with drops of blood, scratches on his face, and his hair messed up. However, he was able to take back the candy bar.
SPARKY: Buster, who the hell did this to you?!
BUSTER: Nevermind that. Focus on the important thing. The chocolate...is safe. Yes, it is, it's safe.
Buster then collapses from the exhaustion. Sparky then pats him on the back.
SPARKY: I'll make you some soup when you wake up.
Cut to black.
("Next Time" by Gang Starr plays over the end credits)
©2018 ANDERSON PRODUCTIONS