So, I read this in passing while finishing up my other story, and I just had to do a one shot of it. I hope you like it!
"Ross, seriously?" Monica asked, looking over his shoulder. Ross twisted away to shield his work.
"What?" he asked innocently.
"You're telling everyone that I work at a 50's diner and that Richard dumped me? Do you hate me that much? Besides, Mom already spread that news around."
"But this goes to my coworkers too."
"What?!" she exclaimed. Ross leaped to his feet as she made to swipe it from him.
"I'm calling it the 'Geller Yeller,'" he said, dodging her. "It's great!"
"It's stupid and untrue and I hate it," Monica snapped, still trying to get it from him.
"How is it untrue?" Ross asked, holding the paper up over his head while she jumped for it.
"It has to be untrue," Monica said angrily. "Otherwise, my life sucks."
"Hey, whoa what's going on in here?" Joey asked, coming in and seeing the commotion.
"Ross is writing a Christmas newsletter, and you're in it," Monica lied.
"Really? Can I see it?" Joey asked.
"No," Ross shook his head.
"What did you say about me?" Joey questioned. He was growing worried.
"All good things," Ross answered. His voice went up one octave too high, though, which triggered Joey to believe he was lying. He just nodded and scrunched his mouth up in that familiar way he did to let on he believed Ross.
"Gimme it!" Monica shouted, taking one last dive for it. Ross ducked and headed for the door.
"I will finish at home," he said. He opened the door to reveal Rachel.
"Hey, sweetie," she said, kissing him. "Watcha got there?"
"Oh, nothing," Ross replied, going past her.
"It's a Christmas News Letter!" Monica hollered after him. "He's writing things about us!"
"What? Ross, is that true?" Rachel asked. "What did you say about me?"
"That you're my beautiful girlfriend."
"Is that it?" Rachel asked.
"Well...for now," Ross replied. Rachel narrowed her eyes at him, and he split down the stairs.
"I hope you wrote in there how you almost killed a little girl by knocking her down the stairs!" Rachel shouted after him. She shut the door behind her hard.
"Can you believe him?!" she asked Monica.
"I know! He put me in there as being dumped by Richard and working at the most humiliating job ever," Monica growled.
"I don't know what he said about me," Joey said.
"He probably mentioned that you murder Christmas trees," Rachel snorted.
"No. Would he?" Joey asked. "That makes me look so mean!"
"Hello, murderer," Phoebe said, coming in just then. Joey cringed.
"Phoebs, I'm sorry. It's a job."
"I don't know how you can live with yourself," Phoebe muttered, going as far away from him as possible. He sighed.
"Okay, so I keep seeing Janice," Chandler said, slamming the door behind him. "How much is enough? Is God just rubbing it in my face now?"
"It's Christmas, sweetie. Families go out and do things more," Monica shrugged.
"That's the stupidest thing I've ever heard," Chandler retorted.
"You wanna know what else is stupid? The Geller Yeller," Monica said.
"The what what?" Chandler asked, confused.
"Ross is writing a Christmas newsletter about all of us. I bet you're in there as the mope who stalks his ex girlfriend," Rachel sniggered.
"He wouldn't," Chandler said, swiveling to look at Monica.
"I don't know. He wouldn't let me read it."
"We gotta get that letter," Joey said adamantly.
"I agree," Rachel nodded. "You guys go get it."
"Us?" Chandler asked, surprised and outraged. "Why us?"
"Cos you're men."
"You're his girlfriend!"
"So?"
"You have access to all his stuff!" Chandler spluttered.
"Not as much as you'd think," Rachel mused.
"Come on," Joey said, tugging on Chandler's arm. "I can't go down as a murderer."
Chandler just looked at Joey as he was pulled out of the apartment.
"Go team!" Phoebe yelled after them. "Oh, wait, I'm still mad at Joey. Go Chandler!"
"Thanks," Chandler said sarcastically. Joey gave them one last wounded look before closing the door behind them.
...
"How do you have a key again?" Chandler asked.
"I don't really know," Joey answered, frowning and looking at it. They went into Ross's apartment carefully.
"If I were a newsletter, where would I be?" Joey mused.
"Beside the computer?" Chandler gestured with a "you've got to be kidding me" expression.
"Oh! Yea, the computer!" Joey said excitedly. Chandler suppressed his eye roll, but barely. Joey touched the mouse, and the screen came on.
"He left it unguarded? What an idiot," Chandler snorted. He sat down and started to read.
"Wow, he thinks a lot of himself," Joey said, reading over his shoulder.
"'Chandler is going through a difficult breakup. He is hung up over Janice and wants her back. He still works at the same job and still tells a lot of jokes. Most aren't that funny.' What? Is he serious with this?!" Chandler exclaimed.
"'Joey has a new job killing old Christmas trees,'" Joey read. "I knew it! I knew he'd make me a killer!"
"They're trees, Joe, not people," Chandler assured him.
"The word 'killing' means people, Chandler," Joey argued back. Chandler raised his brow. There was no use in arguing with a man with that kind of mindset sometimes.
"'Rachel is in between jobs right now. Phoebe is...well, Phoebe. How much do I need to say there? Her music still isn't getting any better. And Monica is stuck working at a 50s diner that she absolutely hates. She's been diving into the cookies again, though, so she must still be really sad about Richard breaking up with her.'"
"Wow," Joey said. "Wasn't it mutual?"
"I thought so. She'll be pissed."
"What does he say about himself?" Joey asked. Chandler read on.
"'As for me, I've been helping out the local Brown Birds by selling cookies and raising money. Work is good, and I have the best, most beautiful girlfriend in the world known as Rachel Green. That's right. And you all said it would never happen,'" Chandler finished. "Wow, he's narcissistic."
"We need to fix this," Joey urged. Chandler stretched out his arms and cracked his fingers. Then he winced from the pain.
"It looks a lot cooler than it feels," he commented to Joey's expression. "Okay, what can we change?"
"Take out that I'm a killer," Joey said immediately.
"All right. Let's start with that."
"Change Monica's."
"Got it."
"And yours."
"Uh huh."
"And make Ross look like the bad guy," Joey finished proudly.
"That was just one too many," Chandler said in his serious voice. Joey frowned.
"Really? Which one should we leave in, then, so we can change Ross's?"
"Sometimes I seriously have to wonder how many times you've hit your head growing up," Chandler tutted.
"Just do it," Joey ordered, feeling embarrassed. Once again, his friend caught him in one of his sarcastic moments.
"The losers become the winners," Chandler crowed as he typed quickly. "Joe, can you find the addresses he was sending this to?"
"I'll look," Joey said, beginning his search. After a while of typing, Chandler stopped. It was perfect.
"Find it?" he asked.
"Found it," Joey answered, bringing him a black, leather book.
"Excellent," Chandler said, emailing the newsletter to himself.
"What now?"
"We go to my office, print 'em all out, and mail 'em," Chandler grinned. They high fived. It was perfect.
...
"Can you believe it?" Ross said the next day. "My Geller Yeller got erased from my computer. Technology sucks." He sat down on Monica's couch, pouting.
"So no letter at all?" she asked.
"I can't remember all that I wrote."
"What happened to the one you were writing yesterday?"
"That? Oh, that was just rough notes."
"You're so mean," Monica said. She knew full well what Chandler and Joey had done, and she couldn't wait for the outcome. It would certainly teach him a lesson.
...
"I gotta do something about these dead trees, man," Joey said. "Phoebs keeps coming and pushing them on my customers. I'm losing money."
"So get rid of them," Chandler suggested.
"And put them where?" Joey asked.
"I dunno. Use your imagination," Chandler answered sarcastically.
"This is the worst Christmas ever," Rachel huffed, coming into the cafe and sitting down. "I hate you guys. You made me quit my job."
"Whoa, we did no such thing," Chandler said, holding up his hands.
"You put the pressure on me! I would have been fine staying here!"
"Did the Fortunata thing pan out?" Joey asked.
"I haven't heard back yet," Rachel sighed.
"Well, I got work to do," Joey said, getting up and leaving. He had an idea.
"Hi," Ross said in his obvious "something's wrong" voice.
"What happened?" Rachel asked, smoothing his hair with her hands.
"I lost. Some girl loaned her sister her uniform, and that sister went down to the U.S.S. Nimitz and sold over 2,000 boxes."
"Ouch," Chandler smirked.
"I have to tell Sarah she lost," Ross said sadly.
"Aw, honey. I'm sure you can make it up to her," Rachel reassured him.
"I have an idea kind of," Ross said. "Chandler, can you help me?"
"Oh, sure," Chandler said. "Since I have nothing better to do besides mope after Janice."
"Dude, you hated her," Ross pointed out. "So for a few months you can look beyond all that, but now she's the one who got away? Come on. I'm not buying it."
"Let's just go," Chandler said. "What are we doing anyway?"
"So I was thinking of a space theme for your apartment," Ross said, getting easily sidetracked as he followed Chandler out.
...
"Thanks for your help, Mon," Joey said as they brought the last tree in.
"You realize how much sap I have to clean after this?" she asked.
"It's for Phoebe," Joey said importantly.
"My poor floor," Monica lamented. They heard a noise at the door.
"Here she comes! Duck," Joey ordered. They hid until Phoebe came inside.
"Surprise!" they both shouted.
"Oh! Oh, you saved them all! Oh, this is the best!" Phoebe cried. She went over to hug Joey and then Monica.
"Did you have a small forest fire in here?" Chandler asked, coming in. "Where's the smoke? All I see are tree skeletons."
"Shut up," Joey said, nudging him.
"Come on," Chandler said. "We have to help Ross make Sarah's space dream come true."
"If it's anything like my space dream, she won't like it," Joey commented as they walked out together. Chandler withheld his response.
A Few Days Later
Ross picked up the envelope and opened it. Confused, he started to read.
THE GELLER YELLER
Season's Greetings! I hope everyone is well. I decided to start a family newsletter to keep y'all in the loop of what's been happening. I apologize if it's kind of lame. Here goes: Monica is doing very well after breaking up with Richard. She is working full time and is doing a lot of baking for the homeless this year. She's such a good sister. I don't know what I'd do without her. Rachel is on the cusp of a new job doing something she loves: fashion. She is the best thing that has ever happened to me, and I'd be crazy to screw it up. Phoebe is still singing and playing at the Central Perk if you ever want to check it out. She's quite good. She also is acting as an advocate for Christmas trees this year. Go on down and see for yourself! Joey is getting more great acting roles as time goes on. He is going to go pro, we are sure of it. He does side jobs to help out the community and give back. He is anti-violence. Chandler is doing very well as a single bachelor. He is funny, charming, and loveable. If any of you single ladies are interested, please let me know. You won't regret it. As for me, well, I somehow managed to hurt a little girl with my own clumsiness, and now I'm trying to sell her cookies to help her get to space camp, which includes fattening up my sister because I know she can't resist buying them. I had some trouble for a while keeping my mother's image out of my head while having sex, and I'm overall just a big baffoon who should never have written this letter without the permission of the others and should have let them read it. If I do it again next year, the consequences will be dire.
Love, Ross.
"WHAT?!" he shouted.
...
Chandler was holding a donut in his hand when Ross came barreling into Monica's apartment and smacked it right out of his grip.
"I was eating that," he started.
"What the hell is wrong with you?!" Ross shouted.
"What?" Chandler asked innocently. Ross shoved the newsletter into Chandler's chest.
"I had a hard time getting my mother's image out of my head during sex?! That is...that's...you're...my head hurts," Ross said, sitting down.
"Ooh, nice touch," Phoebe smirked. They were all there, and Joey and Rachel were doing their best not to laugh out loud.
"My mother is going to read this letter!" Ross shrieked.
"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize it bothered you to have your personal information out there for everyone to read without your permission first," Chandler said sarcastically.
"Oh, I see what's going on here. You're teaching me a lesson," Ross sneered. "Well, it's a pretty stupid one!"
"Relax, Ross, he didn't send it to everyone," Joey piped in. He figured it was time to come clean before Ross's vein exploded from his head. He didn't want to add that mess to Monica's already sap ridden floor.
"What?" Ross asked.
"I didn't," Chandler confirmed. "Just one to you. You're lucky I changed my mind."
"It was really close," Joey went on. "He was about to print all the copies, and I stopped him."
"If you're trying to suck up for next year's newsletter, then you're really an idiot," Chandler told him.
"It never hurts to start early," Joey defended himself.
"Do we really need the stupid newsletter?" Monica asked, interrupting them all. "I mean, isn't it weird to tell everyone what's going on with us?"
"I thought it was cool," Ross said. "Everyone else is doing it."
"My mom thought it was cool to stick her head in the oven. You wanna try that too?" Phoebe asked. Ross bit back his retort. Trust Phoebe to bring up her dead mother again.
"All right. I get it. You don't like it. Fine," Ross said, sitting down on the chair hard.
"Ross, you can send it out, just let us read it first," Monica said, patting his shoulder. He looked up at her.
"Really?"
"If it means that much to you, then yea."
"Okay!" Ross said, jumping up again and making Monica step back.
"I have these all in envelopes and ready to go if you don't let us read it," Chandler threatened. Ross just nodded before taking off.
"Do you really?" Joey asked.
"No, but he doesn't know that," Chandler answered.
"Well, I'm off to my new job," Rachel said, getting up. "Wish me luck!"
"Good luck," they all replied. Chandler shared a smirk with Monica when it was just the four of them left. Maybe he didn't appear to be as cunning as he was, but that was okay. The element of surprise made it all worth it.
The End
I'm still laughing after writing it. If you have time to leave a review, I'd greatly appreciate it. Until next time!