I have been having a difficult time keeping focused lately. Perhaps it is because I am working too much. But, it seems as though when I stop writing and just try to focus on work, our pets, and cleaning the house, I am a basket case of nerves, and I cannot shut my mind off. Honestly, I rarely can shut my mind off.
So, today I had some time to think between my two jobs. And, my mind kept drifting back to the nightmares Hiccup had in "Morals" and "Adjustments." Adjustments still is not finished, I want to take that story right up until Hiccup is grounded, but I haven't the time to read through it all and create another developed chapter. That is what is nice about these one-shots.
So, here we have "Nightmare."
...
Hiccup heard himself scream. The noise echoed in his lungs, rattling his whole upper body. He found himself shooting up in bed, nearly toppling over to his side as he reached for his leg. In his hands, he could feel the stump, but why did he feel as though he could wiggle his toes again? In the back of his head, he knew why.
"I am not awake," he breathed heavily to himself, and then another thought became the center thought.
Dad!
As if prompted, he heard the creaking of the floorboards in the next room. He'd done it again.
His eyes darted towards his left, and the digital clock read 4:24. Hiccup could have gotten another two hours of sleep if he hadn't woken up.
Mr. Vast paused outside the slightly ajar bedroom door. Hiccup knew he was listening intently for a reason to come in and check on him. He pictured his father doing this when he was much smaller, perhaps an infant or a toddler. He couldn't remember a night when his father did this when he was a small child. Only as of late had his father felt the need to do this.
A wince escaped Hiccup again as his leg radiated pain, and this prompted his father to come in. The overhead light switched on, showing the room with light. Hiccup felt blinded. He leaned forwards trying to hid his head into his arm.
He didn't want to make eye contact with his father. Invisible is what he wanted to be. Or, asleep. That was what he desire more so than being invisible.
Mr. Vast didn't say anything to Hiccup as he entered the room. Instead, he sat down on the edge of the bed, and patiently waited for Hiccup to speak. Hiccup had gotten particularly-distant as of late. Hiccup didn't want to be babied. He wanted to be strong, be a man...Be what he wanted Astrid to see him as. Not someone who was weak and useless.
But he really wanted to hear his father's deep comforting voice telling him it was all right. Was that allowed? Considering his father hadn't been much like this when he was a small boy? Since Hiccup's accident, he'd gotten better at being a comforting gentle giant. It was as though it prompted his father to take a step back from his work and actually look at his son, take some notice.
Hiccup wondered if that was Katherine's doing. Bless her.
"Dad-" Hiccup breathed heavily, trying the whole time to correct his unsteady heaving.
"I'm right here, Hiccup," Mr. Vast said to him gently. "Take your time. What do you need?"
Hiccup didn't know. Someone to hug him, laugh with him, sit with him. For a split second, he wanted Katherine. Of all people. Katherine, the person he'd disliked more than the cranky lunch lady at school. The woman who made Hiccup jealous every time he caught his father spending time with her. The person who wasn't his mother, but who could make his father happy. Making his father happier than Hiccup felt he made his father...
Why was she so comforting? Why in the world was he thinking about her?
Astrid. That was who he wanted. She'd helped him through two phantom pains. Sat with him in the bathroom when he'd passed out from one. She made him so confused, and happy. The first girl to ever have any interest in him what-so-ever. She was the one that didn't look at him as though he had a handicap. But, as a whole person.
"I-I don't know what I need," Hiccup said to his father. "Other than these nightmares to go away-"
"Same one?" Mr. Vast asked.
"Kind of," Hiccup wheezed. "Only, it's worse. Like, I can feel the pain worse than before."
"You are having a phantom pain, that's why?" Mr. Vast said to his son. "I'll be right back."
"Where are you going?" Hiccup asked, noting the desperation in his voice.
"Just go get your medication and a warm towel for your leg. I can have Katherine come-"
"No! No, don't wake her, please," Hiccup said, feeling a sigh escape his lips. "It's bad enough I woke you up again."
His father left for a few minutes, and Hiccup was forcing himself to remain calm and silent. He felt like he was walking on Death's door, but he was sure that was his emotions talking. He suddenly remembered how he felt coming home from the hospital in June. How vulnerable he was feeling as his father half supported him through the door.
Mr. Vast returned to Hiccup's bedside. He touched Hiccup's hand, pulled it towards him, and placed two pills into the palm of his hand. Even though he had a cup of water waiting for him, Hiccup swallowed the pills whole. Surprisingly, his father didn't cringe. Perhaps he didn't think about it so much because he was too preoccupied worrying a little bit about Hiccup.
"How about you lay back and let me sort this out," Mr. Vast asked his son, gently touching Hiccup's knee. Even though Hiccup wanted to remain in a upright ball, he forced himself back, letting his father sort out the pain in his stump.
With his arm over his eyes to block out the light, Hiccup forced himself to loosen his body. He held in a wince as his father touched the tender skin on his stump, using the massaging techniques that he and his father had been taught during his PT sessions.
Hiccup wasn't sure how long his father was massaging his stump, or if the medication had started to take hold of the pain. He knew he felt rather sleepy, and almost dozed off, before his body twitched, and he was shooting up in bed again, nearly hitting his head against his father's.
"Easy," his father said to him. "Lay back down-you were almost asleep-"
"I don't want to sleep," Hiccup responded. Without another word, his father sat with him, continuing to gently massage his leg.
Minutes past, and Hiccup glanced at the clock again. 5:10 AM. It had nearly been an hour and he didn't realize it.
"Dad, go back to bed," he said. "You've got work in the morning. And-I'm sure Katherine-"
"She will be fine," Mr. Vast said. "Trust me, she's a mother. She's had late nights with her daughter too."
"Probably not with a teenager," Hiccup responded.
The look his father gave him told him his father was worried about him. This wasn't the first time, nor the last if Hiccup had to guess, that his father would be sitting with him trying to help him through these nightmares.
Mr. Vast eased his massage on Hiccup's stump, then pushed the blankets back over Hiccup to keep him warm.
"Hiccup-what are your nightmares about?" Mr. Vast asked him. "Are they-school related? Are your peers getting to you? The teachers? Astr-"
"No," Hiccup said sternly, noting the alarm in his voice. "The same ones-just...well, worse-"
"The roof," Mr. Vast said quickly.
Hiccup nodded.
"Son, I-" Mr. Vast trailed off. "Why are you suddenly having them again-"
"They don't just stop," Hiccup snapped.
"They don't?"
"Dad, I easily have these nightmares once or twice a week-"
"For some reason, Hiccup, I doubt that," Mr. Vast replied. "You haven't woken yourself up screaming like this since before school started-"
"I don't know-"
"Does this have something to do with Astrid?" his father asked.
Hiccup's mind quickly raced. "Like-are you asking me if I am purposely dragging you in here for attention?"
"No-no, no!" his father said. "Nothing like that."
"Dad, go to bed," Hiccup snapped at him. "I've got this-"
"You haven't 'had this,'" his father said to him, changing the tone of his voice to mimic Hiccup's. "Ever since you and she had that spat, you're back to square one again-"
"Square one of what?" Hiccup asked.
"Okay, stop, stop," Mr. Vast breathed. Rubbing the back of his neck, his eyes darted over to the clock. Less than an hour Hiccup would of had to start getting ready for school. It was clear, again, for the second day in a row, Hiccup was not going to school. He'd contemplated on calling his doctor, and had been since the nightmares started again. Mr. Vast was already in trouble with the truancy officer, and the guidance office, for Hiccup's absences for the school year...
The kid was a straight A student, and somehow their necks were both on the line for the days Hiccup had missed. Mr. Vast wondered if they had nothing better to do. He was sure there were plenty of kids at the school that had missed more than Hiccup had. And, he were betting they weren't A students. Surely, Hiccup wasn't the only one with health concerns. Surely, there was a way to get the school to understand why Hiccup was missing school. For all but three days (at least until this point) Hiccup had a doctor's excuse...
"Hiccup, can we walk about Astrid?" Mr. Vast asked him.
"There's nothing to talk about," Hiccup responded.
"Sunday was when your nightmares started. Sunday was when I had to come to the park for you because she drove off and left you there-"
"She didn't just drive off and leave me, Dad-I told her to go-"
"And why was that?" Mr. Vast asked him.
"What does it matter?" Hiccup said, his voice raised. "Why does it matter? Dad, I've had a girlfriend for like-two weeks. And, you are practically telling me that it's her fault I am having these nightmares-"
"All I know, Hiccup, is that your counselor diagnosed you with PTSD in December-and I think whatever happened in the park triggered this-"
"Dad, all we did was get into a fight-"
"And that fight has done this!" Mr. Vast said. "You've barely told me what happened-"
"Because it doesn't matter-"
"Hiccup, I-"
Katherine was out of bed, and standing in the doorway now. Her hair was pulled into a lose pony-tail, and it hung over her shoulder-much like Astrid's did. She was wrapped in her blanket.
"Sorry to intrude," she said gently.
Hiccup found himself turning his face away from her, only out of embarrassment. If he couldn't see her looking at him, he felt less heat on the back of his neck.
"I came to ask if I could make you both some tea with honey," she said. "I'm going to make myself a cup."
Silence hung in the room. Hiccup felt like he was about to explode.
"Okay," she breathed. "I'll be back." With that, Katherine walked the hallways towards the kitchen.
For a few minutes the father and son sat in silence. Hiccup's face remained turned the other way. He couldn't bring himself to look into his father's eyes again.
"Hiccup-I don't know what was said-I don't know what happened. But, whatever did, it's like six months of counseling sessions completely went out the window-"
"Dad, you were told it was going to get worse before it was better-"
"I know," he responded gently. "Hiccup, I am not sure I can help you-but I can try if you tell me what happened-"
"I'm just having nightmares again, Dad."
Mr. Vast let out an annoyed sigh. And regretted it immediately. This was not going to help Hiccup.
"Son-will you tell me when you are ready? Either way, if you don't get some sleep today, I will be calling your doctor-"
Hiccup felt his heart skip a beat. "No-"
"You can't keep missing school-"
"I'll get ready and go-I can go and-"
Mr. Vast placed his hand on his son's shoulder, forcing him to pause.
"You are in no shape to go to school-"
"You said if I keep missing school-" Hiccup paused. Mr. Vast raised an eyebrow at him.
"Didn't let me finish, did you?" he said with a small chuckle. The mood instantly lightened. "Hiccup-I want to help you. But, you have to give me feedback. You need to answer my questions and let me help you. If I can get you in to see your counselor, would that help?"
"Dad, I haven't needed to go see Kim in a month. Remember? She dismissed me, told me if I needed to come back-"
"Exactly-" Mr. Vast said. "I think she dismissed you too soon. I think you should continue to go see her."
"Dad-" Hiccup's voice cracked, and his forehead fell into his hands. He didn't break down, he didn't let himself shed tears. Although he felt like he might, out of exhaustion and frustration. Allowing himself to collect the crumbles, he looked back up at his father.
"Hiccup-"
"Dad-her mother," he breathed. "She was worried-" He paused again, sucking back in the pieces of himself that were trying to deteriorate from him. "Her mother was worried I wasn't good for Astrid. Worried I was holding her back-would hold her back...because-"
"Because of what?" Mr. Vast asked.
Hiccup sighed, and patted his leg. "Because of my disability-"
"You are not handicapped, Hiccup-"
"Legally, Dad, I am. Why do you think you have a handicap sticker in the car?"
"That doesn't matter!" Mr. Vast said sternly. "Just because her mother may imply that doesn't mean you are. She just doesn't understand-"
"I know this, Dad. But, it still hit me-"
"Hiccup, your leg does not define you. You know this, right?"
Hiccup nodded. "I've been a mess lately, Dad. Since Astrid's accident-"
"I don't think you have been at all. You've had a couple of bad days-"
"Dad, I've been in the hospital, been given a blood transfusion, back at the hospital, been bullied-and been rejected all in a matter of a few weeks. Her father found me having an attack, and I missed the dinner I was invited to-to meet her mom-"
"That woman has no right to judge you if she hasn't met you," Mr. Vast said sternly. Hiccup could hear the anger brewing in his father's voice.
"Dad-Astrid is her daughter. She has ever right to be concerned. Besides, I think it's more so about Astrid showing some interest in someone-she never has before."
Mr. Vast laughed slightly. "Much like you."
Hiccup rolled his eyes. "Please, Dad. I've had other things to worry about. I just kind of-fell into liking Astrid. Without meaning to-"
"That's how it works, Hiccup. Not to change the subject, but I didn't exactly mean to "fall in love" with a girl at work." He used two fingers on each hand on the "fall in love" part. "Hiccup-Katherine was there for me when you fell. She was the person I talked to about you. Without your mom here or grandparents-and you know how we like to keep our lives private-"
"Dad-"
"Katherine was there at one of my weakest moments when you were in the hospital. She sat and talked to me, acting as Kim, your counselor. Quite frankly, Hiccup-I didn't realize how much I missed having someone to talk to-"
"Dad, stop getting gushy with me-"
Mr. Vast laughed. "Do you see what I am saying, though? You told me you've known Astrid since you were kids-"
"I'm still a kid, Dad-"
"Stop!" Mr. Vast said. "You are almost seventeen now." He paused again, allowing Hiccup to sit in silence for a moment. "You and Astrid did not mean to cross in this manner. Both of you were living out your lives separately. And, then BOOM-"
"More like BAM-Because of the car-"
Mr. Vast eyed Hiccup.
"Sorry."
"Okay, BAM!" Mr. Vast rolled his eyes. "Here you both are-lives actually crossing during a life event. Hiccup-you were there when she needed you. You've told me you brought her comfort when she woke up. She came to you, didn't just ignore you after the accident happened. She came to the hospital to make sure you were all right. Because of this-" He pointed to the long, pink line across Hiccup's forearm. "Hiccup, you both have established a connection. And, when her mother tried to break that connection it's hurt both of you. You feel turned away-her mother doesn't accept you-"
Hiccup sighed. "I don't know what to do to make it right-"
"It's not something that is going to happen overnight, Hiccup. And, you can't let this defeat you. I chased your mother since grade school. Chased after her, turned her away, pushed her farther away-Her parents called the cops on me once for following her home on my bike..." He trailed off. "I think they thought I was harassing her when all I was trying to do was get her to ask me to the Sadie Hawkins dance at school-"
Hiccup laughed slightly.
"Jake, your leg does not define you. Astrid's mom does not define you. You are a respectable young man. You have morals-her father told me himself that he knows you will respect her the way she deserves and should be. You haven't crossed a toe out of line-not that I can tell-"
"I'm guilty-" Hiccup sighed.
"In what way?"
"I'm guilty of caring about her-wanting her in my life. She's a girl, Dad. I had no interest in seeing anyone-and now I worry I did lose her-and I know I pushed her away-"
"You hiding your phone in that drawer isn't going to fix it," Mr. Vast responded.
Narrowing his eyes at his father, he suddenly felt the urge to reach into his bedside drawer and hide his forgotten cell phone. The device had been off since Monday evening when Astrid had text him repeatedly, begging him to talk to her. His mind had been going in circles and it was too much to deal with. He shut her out. Just like he had at the park. And, he couldn't figure out why he had.
"It's a defense," Mr. Vast said to him, almost answering his own question. "You are trying to avoid getting hurt again. Yet, you are still hurting, Hiccup."
Hiccup felt his father's hand reach up and push his damp bangs from his forehead and eyes.
"I think you need some sleep. It's been a long night."
Sighing, Hiccup leaned back against his pillow, ignoring the lingering dampness he'd left behind.
"You'll find a way, Hiccup. Or, you'll move on."
The truth was, Hiccup didn't want to move on. He liked Astrid. More than he cared to admit to anyone, really. He didn't want to move on. And, perhaps that was why he was stuck feeling so crummy with how things turned out on Sunday.
He needed to fix it. But he was scared to. And, he didn't know how.
...
If you are familiar with "Morals" this is an in between chapter from the Sunday after he and Astrid had a spat to right before they actually talked after days of not talking or seeing each other.
I LOVE writing about the father/son moments with Hiccup and Stoick. Especially around that story.
Thank you for reading and reviewing.