THE GUARDIANS ARE MURDERERS
Chapter 1: Trapped in the Sand
Five big men with monkeylike tails built a rocket.
"Hey!" said Burler. "Everyone, aboard the rocket! As we all know, I'm the pilot, Bertus is the autopilot, and our flight attendants are Lettuce, Fungus, and Turtleglumm!"
Hundreds of people were aboard the rocket ship.
Bunkheff Dorque, an eighteen-year-old bully at the Banana Middle School, took two seats behind his brothers Bunk, Muck, and Monkey. Bunkheff needed two seats because he was fat – although he pretended otherwise.
"Hey, fatty!" said Bunkheff to a thin man walking by. "I didn't think they permitted elephants aboard a rocket ship! It won't take your weight!"
Bunk, Muck, and Monkey weren't listening. They were looking over at the girl across from them, drooling. She was an aquatic fishlike humanoid with fins on her arms. She took one look at them, recognized them, and took a different seat next to a girl with a white and purple cat with her.
"Hey Princess Ruto," said Kari. "Are those bullies still chasing after you?"
"It's not just them," said Ruto. "So many guys are chasing after me and I'm getting tired of having to reject them all. Except Davis and TK, because they seem to be fighting over someone else."
"Tristan and Duke are fighting over someone else as well," said Kari, glancing toward Tristan, glaring at Duke, who was between him and Serenity, next to the window.
"Get out of here!" said Donkey Kong.
"Did you know my baby counterpart gave him those coins in Mario Party 2 just to make you jealous!" said Bowser.
"I don't care!" said Wario. "I won't let Donkey Kong steal Bowser from me!" (O_O)
"But you're too heavy!" said DK. "The plane won't fly!"
"This is a rocket, you crazy monkey!" said Wario.
(AN: Me and my friend have got this image in my head of DK and Wario fighting over Bowser because they always seem to try and go toward Baby Bowser in Mario Party 2)
"Who's that?" said Prince Tybalt. He hated the world as he hated hell, so his parents had named him after a similar character from a Shakespearean play.
"I don't know," said Old Wicket, his sidekick. They looked over and saw three creepy-looking characters near the back of the rocket. One of them had a dark hood and a wrinkled, disfigured face with eerie yellow eyes. One of them had the appearance of a knight with spiked armor, and a freakish helmet with black eyes and horns. And one had a white, snakelike face, and slits for nostrils. All three sent chills up everyone's spine. A portly lady screamed.
"Relax," said Emperor Palpatine. "We're not here to kill you."
"Though it is tempting," said Sauron, "we're here to fight over one of the chicks on this plane!"
Ruto groaned in frustration.
"Speak for yourselves," said Voldemort. "I love no one."
"The last passengers have entered!" said Burler.
Seven creepy characters entered. One had a burned face, a hat, a red and green sweater, and a clawed glove. One had a hockey mask and a machete. One had a William Shatner mask and a kitchen knife. One had chalk-white skin and pins in his head. One was a walking doll with scars on his face. One had a chainsaw and a mask made from a man's face. And one had a burned face and evil-looking armor.
Ulpe screamed, and so did Palpatine, Sauron, Voldemort, and the portly lady.
"We could kill you all," said Pinhead. "But today, we're taking a vacation from killing. Today, we are going to find a wife."
"Come on," said Fox McCloud. "We all know about Freddy and Jason."
"WHAT?" said Freddy. What was Fox talking about? He and Jason weren't gay!
"What about my Millennium Ring?" said Yami Bakura.
"I'm not in the dream world, so I can't take your souls," said Freddy. "Pinhead pulled me here and he'll return me as soon as I marry R…"
Freddy stopped, sure that the others had set their sights on the one he intended to chase after. He stabbed Bakura dead and threw the Millennium Ring over Niagara Falls, which the rocket was parked right beside.
"I remember Niagara Falls," said General Zod. "There was a movie that featured us. Some kid nearly fell over, but Superman saved him. Later, I saw the author of this story throw a rock over the falls in that EXACT same spot, in Ontario."
Ghostkaiba297 appeared and took the form of an anthromoporphic cat. He whipped Zod in the face with his tail. Despite the fact that Kryptonians are super strong and invulnerable on Earth, it damaged him.
"Stop breaking the fourth wall or I'll pull you out of the story," said Ghostkaiba297, and he vanished into thin air.
"All right," came Burler's voice. "We're taking off!"
And the rocket took off and headed into space.
35 minutes later, they were still flying through space.
"Are we there yet?" said Chucky.
"Be patient!" snapped Evil Ash.
"Duke!" said Tristan. "I'll give you a hundred bucks if you and I switch places!"
"No way," said Duke.
A ways away from where Freddy, Jason, Michael, Pinhead, Chucky, Leatherface, and Evil Ash were five foxes. Fox, Krystal, Lucario, Renamon, and Tails. Next to them were Sonic and Knuckles.
"Pizzas!" said Turtleglumm, handing out plates with whole slices of pizza. "Soul pizza for Freddy! We're fresh out of human souls so we've replaced them with the souls of Frieza's henchmen! He was finally killed last night. Chopped right in half!"
"Olive pizza for Bunkheff," said Lettuce. Bunkheff scarfed it down in one gulp.
Davis, TK, and Kari began eating their pizza. Monkey searched around for his pizza. Muck was eating a pineapple pizza and Bunk was eating a pepperoni pizza. Bunkheff was stuffing the remains of an unidentifiable pizza in his mouth.
"Who's paying for this trip?" said Serenity.
"Who cares?" said Bowser.
"No one," said Zod.
Monkey spied on Davis, TK, and Serenity, but their pizza had nothing on it. Through rock-paper-scissors, Davis was paying for the pizza.
"I've got a check for a million dollars," said Turtleglumm, "and it'll only cost about a hundred thousand to make a trip to Planet Totokama and back."
"You've probably got the kinda traveling checks a dump work in France," muttered Tybalt.
"Did anyone order me a plain cheese?" said Monkey.
"Oh yeah we did," said Bunkheff. "But if you want any, somebody's gonna have to barf it all up. Cause it's gone."
"We've got two unidentified flying objects in the distance," said Bertus. "One looks like some sort of jester, and the other looks like a guy with a cape on a hover platform."
Suddenly, there was a loud CRASH! There was static in the speaker. Lettuce, Fungus, and Turtleglumm ran around in circles. Everyone started to panic! Fungus ran over to the pilot's seat and gasped.
"NO ONE'S FLYING THE PLANE!" he shouted.
Everyone began to panic.
Fox made his way to the pilot's seat and used his superior flying skills to land the plane on a remote planet.
AN: Bunkheff and his brothers you won't recognize anywhere because they are my characters. Also Prince Tybalt and Old Wicket, and the five men with tails: Burler, Bertus, Lettuce, Fungus, and Turtleglumm. (And fyi, they've got this type of armor too… so anyone who's seen the show can guess what race they are)