Crack!fic, AU, spoof.
Characters may be OOC. Elena Gilbert is an unreliable narrator.
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It's Not Easy Having Yourself A Good Time
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Elena was a pretty girl from a small, pretty town. Not pretty enough to win Miss Mystic Falls like (that blond twit) Caroline, her second best friend, but definitely prettier than her first best friend, Bonnie, who wasn't even nominated. Elena had so far lived the typical life of a teenage girl: her parents died in a beaucoups tragical accident (bless) while she was still in high school, thus securely removing any reasonable voice of oversight for her actions just in time for her to meet Stefan, the good-looking boy who transferred mysteriously into her class. As is typical for teenage girls, she had to date him ASAP, and, also typically, she found out that he was more than just a typical mysterious transfer student.
It turned out that Elena's new boyfriend was actually a vampire (gross) and not an anime cliché prince living in secret like a peasant (as she'd only naturally assumed when he transferred to her school so late after the start of the school year.) Stefan drank the blood of rabbits and whatever, which did not sit 100% well with Elena, who was coming up on her eight year vegan anniversary. He insisted it was only rabbits and squirrels though (gross), not actual humans, which was supposed to make her feel better but really it all sounded like cannibalism to her. And politically questionable; did vampires believe in voting if they saw other people merely as food? If they lived forever, did they believe in governments at all? She could live with having a potentially cannibal vampire boyfriend as long as he didn't bite her, but Elena was not confident that her late beloved parents (bless) would approve of her seeing someone who could turn out to be an anarchist. Or, even worse, a Democrat.
They'd been dating for about a year when Elena realized that Stefan, her vampire maybe-anarchist cannibal not-anime boyfriend, was in a gang. He referred to them as the Originating Vampire Royal Family but Elena's late beloved parents (bless) hadn't raised her to be an idiot like that blond twit her second best friend Caroline so she was pretty sure the Originators were a gang. And possibly neo-Nazis, given that their leader shouted a lot and was named Kaiser.
Kaiser was mad because Stefan had apparently left his last hometown without calling, and in typical vampire Nazi thinking they'd kidnapped her so that they could force her boyfriend to do some kind of cult wine-tasting ceremony and take a holy pilgrimage to get drugs ("It's not drugs, it's The Cure!" Stefan had insisted, but just because Elena could practically hear the capitalization in his voice didn't mean that it wasn't some stupid euphemism for drugs, or more likely a concert where drugs would be present.)
All of it was beyond typical weird, even for a girl with no parents and a mysterious transfer student boyfriend. Now she was stuck in their ass-creepy basement while all the Nazi anarchists were upstairs drinking raccoon blood (gross) and arguing about whether Stefan should be forced to go or if they needed to kidnap his brother as well. Elena didn't understand why Stefan was so dead-set against a road trip (for shit's sake it was only to New Orleans, not Mecca), or why the hell their dumb vampire family vacation required her to be sitting in a grimy cellar getting spiderwebs in her hair.
She might have to break up with him. Even if Stefan was really good at sex and driving her places and smiling, there were too many points in their relationship where he'd phenomenally disappointed her, and anyway Elena did not approve of gangs. Or cannibals. Or going to New Orleans to see The Cure in concert and doing drugs to get out of one's responsibilities. Elena was contemplating how boring her life would get if she broke up with her not-anime-after-all boyfriend when the door to the basement-cellar-hell-hole-place opened. From it emerged a man (vampire? was there really a difference?) carrying a water bottle and a bag of saltine crackers. He had dark hair and fab-gorge cheekbones, and he wore a suit like someone from a two-page magazine ad.
"Hello there," he said, offering her the water bottle and the crackers. "Sorry about all this. I'm Elijah." Elena unscrewed the plastic top of the water, and mentally tried to guess how old he was. Not parent-old, definitely, but not young enough to be prom date material either.
"Thanks," she said after a weighty pause, balancing in the balls of her feet and nibbling in the most dignified, lady-like way one could manage with a saltine cracker, which wasn't very. "Your gang is weird."
"Incredibly so," agreed Elijah, lips twisting in a wry smile. "But that's family for you."
"What's in New Orleans that Kaiser needs Stefan for?"
"Klaus," corrected Elijah, not missing a beat, "wants Stefan with him when they get to the cure."
Elena was still confused about this sticking point. "I thought they broke up?"
"To my knowledge, Stefan and Klaus have never formally dated," Elijah said, raising his eyebrows.
"No," insisted Elena. "I meant The Cure. Are they even still a band?"
"Ah," said the fab-gorge man who was obviously far too polite to be part of a vampire cannibal Nazi gang of anarchist druggies from Louisiana. He gave the question a moment of further thought, then said, "To honest, I don't know. I was never a huge fan. Either way, they'll be busy arguing upstairs for a few hours, and I thought you might want a ride home."
He gestured lightly toward the wider universe outside the cellar door, every inch of him classy as, like, the classiest sports car Elena had ever seen. "You probably have school tomorrow, right?"
"I'm eighteen," she announced, which was really way stupid because what she'd meant to say was 'Yeah, duh, it's Wednesday.'
He looked momentarily perplexed, but handled it much better than her soon-to-be-ex-boyfriend would've. Elijah nodded, as if this were a not a horrifically embarrassing nonsequitor, and responded, "So...you aren't in school then?"
"No, I am," said Elena.
At her reply, her grinned in an indulgent way, looking momentarily at the floor and sticking his hands into his pockets. Meanwhile, Elena prayed for the same floor to swallow her up. She resolved never ever to speak aloud again in front of this handsome guy-man-adult-person who looked like he'd accidentally fallen out of a J-Lo movie and into her ex's kidnapping drug cult drama.
Eventually, Elijah said, "Would you like to wait for Stefan and Klaus to finish their discussion?"
"Not really," she answered, immediately breaking the aforementioned resolution. With her chin out, Elena declared, "As of about ten minutes ago, Stefan Salvatore and I are no longer involved, so there's no reason for me to be here. I'd like to go to Starbucks, please."
This was important, because both Caroline and Bonnie worked at Starbucks. If Elena didn't show her second and first best friends this walking GQ-face I-R-L they'd never believe that Elena was kidnapped by unusually attractive vampire Cure groupies.
"It would be my pleasure," said Elijah. Elena tucked her sleeve of saltine crackers into her purse with the water bottle, and took his offered arm. As he led her back through the house, there were loud growling noises and a great deal of shouting coming from the family room. Elena didn't concern herself with this; Stefan should have known better than to get involved with gangs.
"Do you have a really expensive car?" she asked, because that suddenly seemed much more important than if he was a vampire cannibal Nazi like everyone else Stefan knew.
"Yes," said Elijah.
"Cool," said Elena. "I want you to park it right in view of the window front when we get to Starbucks."
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p.s. actually I love Caroline, she's the coolest TVD character and not at all a twit. And Bonnie is beautiful and won prom queen.