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Through the Eyes of Someone Else
Three girls try to make a polyamorous relationship work. Femslash.
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"So I thought maybe... I should try being with you."
"What do you mean, 'with you'?" Asked Xian.
"I'm tired of it not working, I'm tired of the same thing happening again and again. I'm tired of men... and of people I don't trust." Replied Katya.
Xian exhaled, irritated. "What do you mean, 'with you'? You wanna be with me or with Illyana?" Asked she, in an angry tone.
"With you... with both of you."
"Do you think this is a game?" Xian stood up.
"No, I..." Started Katya.
"No." Xian left.
I went after her.
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"She jumps from man to man like a grasshopper and now..." Paced she.
"Xian-" Started I, in a calm tone.
"Don't tell me you're even considering this!" She looked at me with fire in her eyes.
"No." I answered immediately. "In my mind I've already agreed to it."
Her eyes widened in surprise. "She's just fucking around! She's gonna have her fucking lesbian experience and then turn around and leave like it was no big deal! This's a game to her!" Yelled she.
"So we must prove her she's wrong. We must show her that a relationship's more than what happens in bed. We must teach her about feelings and maybe we can save her from her bad habits."
Xian shook her head in denial. "She's my friend, I know her since we were kids."
"I know you since we were kids. I know her since we were kids." I approached Xian and took her hands in mine. "We must help her."
"At what cost?" Whispered she.
"None. Nothing's gonna happen to us. Nothing's gonna change."
"You can't be sure about that."
"We are in control here. We open our doors to her and we observe her reactions, if we feel threatened, we shut it on her face and never open it again." Stated I, seriously.
Xian sighed in defeat. "It's been months since we've spoken last. I wasn't prepared for this..."
"Neither was I."
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"It's like a new floor. You can't build it without a strong base." I walked in circles around her, gauging her. "The floor is the relationship and you are a pillar. Your position must be in accordance to the plant."
"No wrong moves or it crumbles on ya." Muttered Xian, between her teeth.
"You've been increasingly hostile with me, Xian, I'm just trying to be like you..." Katya defended herself.
"You're nothing like-"
"Xian, we're giving her a chance..." I interrupted her.
She sighed. "This better not be a joke, Kitty."
"It's not. I love you." Xian's brows shot up. "You and Illyana are my best friends. If this has any chance to work with anyone, it's with you, who know me and understand me." Said Katya, in a somewhat annoyingly innocent way.
Xian rolled her eyes.
"Because we're friends, there's no need for us to go out anymore, at least not separately. Now we must learn how we are together." Continued I.
"Always the voice of reason." Mumbled Xian.
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"Who know me and understand me." Mocked she.
"She's partially right, you know." I ran my fingers through her hair. "Why are you so fiery about all this?" An idea popped into my head. "Could it be-?"
"Yeah, I know what you're thinking, and you're right, like always... She was my first crush... And everytime she's had a new boyfriend my feelings of... misfortune only deepened..." Xian uttered, sadly.
"And still she learned nothing, you know why? All she does is fuck. When she was with Piotr I could see it... in his face... every time they were together all they would do was fuck."
"Blargh, gross...!" She said unemotionally.
"Yeah, I notice a lot of things, too. But we were always different enough..." I shook my head. "She's been given enough second chances in her life for a second one."
"...But?"
"We can fix her up, just like I was... just like you 'was'."
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Piotr would later tell me of a peculiar situation that goes as thus:
"Don't tell me you're embarrassed?" Asked Katya, sultrily.
"I am... much more than embarrassed." Said Piotr. "My ex girlfriend is now trying to have a relationship with my sister, with whom they've been friends since eternity, with whom actually is already in a relationship with yet another childhood friend, who's also your fucking friend... Wait that didn't sound right in English... *What the hell are you doing, Katya, but most importantly, why the hell are you telling me this?*"
A sly smile. "Just wanted to let you know."
He walked away unnerved.
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"Have we ever fought?"
"No, I mean, we never separated." Replied I.
"Why not?" Asked Xian.
"Because I always calm you down."
"Is this retribution for anything? Can you see what this is doing to me?" Her voice trembled.
"I want you to calm down. I'm not causing you harm, you are." I held her arm gently.
"You made me agree to this." She used her accusatory tone.
"I made you believe that this is the right thing, because it is." I remained centred.
"I. Don't. Care. I don't need her. We don't need her." She buried her head on my neck. "You are enough for me Illyana, you will always be, why don't you lo-"
"Shut up." I cut her off. "Stop thinking about her. I only think about her when she's here. You think about her all the time. If she's inconsequential to you, prove it to yourself!" I said, unnerved. "Look at me." I lifted her head up. "Empty your mind of her. Fill it with myself. I'm here now. I want you now. You too have things yet to learn about feelings."
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"Are we ready?" Asked I.
"Yeah." Katya said, determinedly.
Xian sighed. Her eyes captured mine. There I saw a sadness I couldn't even describe in words or feelings. I didn't feel such, that was an emotion only Xian could feel. There was no time to asses or try to understand anything. That was new.
Never breaking eye contact with me, she said: "You go first," in an even tone.
Something in my chest took hold of my throat. Without thinking I extended a hand to her. Her features lit up, an almost smile formed on her face as she placed her hand above mine. I gripped it gently and brought it closer to me, then I looked at Katya. She seemed to be marveled at the situation, a sense of wonderment apparent in her eyes. I tried to expunge my mental image of her and Piotr, her and Bob, her and... those other guys... I mentally shook my brain's neurons and with a blink I recalled the times when Katya meant the world to me, when we shared a room, when we studied together, when she soothed me as my life drained from me. I extended my left hand to her. And she took it without a second thought.
I brought our hands together and held them in contact. I leaned towards Katya and her lips wrapped mine in a kiss, my eyes closed as her eyes closed, our noses touched as I softly sucked on her upper lip, we didn't move apart a millimetre as she opened her mouth lunged her tongue forward into mine. I felt something. I sensed something, somehow. I opened my eyes and saw Xian's piercing gaze as a tear fell from her eye. She drew back her hand hastily from our joining and turned away, bending and bracing herself. Katya was startled and broke our kiss. Before she could say a thing, however, I approached Xian quickly and embraced her, holding her head to my chest. Her tears kept on falling as she clung to me, quivering.
I couldn't help but feel sad, seeing the woman I love in such pain.
Katya looked terrorised, but not once I looked in her eyes. I held Xian as if holding my own life.
Katya left silently and after a few minutes Xian's crying subsided, I held her face up and stared at her eyes.
"Please forgive me." Whispered I. Our foreheads touched. I closed my eyes. "I'm sorry."
After a killing silence, her sticky voice filled my ears. "I wasn't ready... I don't know if I will ever be..."
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"We go through things together... Even if you hate me..." Said I, gravely.
"I don't hate you..." Said Xian, unemotionally.
"Let me stay with you..." Begged I.
"I don't wanna hear... I don't wanna hear your voice." She closed her eyes.
"Then I promise I won't speak. I swear. Let me just hold your hand." I extended my hand to her.
She opened her eyes. "Fine, but I'll say horrible things to you." Stated she, roughly.
I nodded. She took my hand and we sat down on the couch.
"I imagined myself there." Started she, looking fixedly ahead. "I saw myself there. I wanted to be there. I wanted to watch me there. First, it was me and you, then, it was me and Kitty, then it was just me... kissing myself, and I thought 'how narcissistic', and I felt... sick because I wanted all... I wanted all of those hypotheses." She looked at me and continued, sadly. "I thought... I was certain... you were my only love... I could swear it was paradise with you, when you said yes... but just seeing that, how into it you were, your face glowed in a way I'd never seen before... In a way I could never invoke from you. You kissed my best friend, and even though right then I wanted to be you and I wanted to be her, I also... I also just wanted to watch and take that feeling into me."
I drew my lips in and bit them as I stared at her.
"I'm afraid of what I've become. Part of me says it's your fault. But I know the scary truth is... I've always been like this, and I don't know what to do." Uttered she. "I need guidance, but if I let you guide me, I might find even more disgusting things about myself... So, there's only one thing I want you to say... I want you to tell me: ...can I trust you?"
I stared at her eyes and felt the pressure of the air suffocating me. "Before I answer, can I tell you something?" Whispered I, in trembling lips.
She nodded with a tired expression.
I inhaled sharply. "I didn't accept Katya's proposition because I wanted to help her. I accepted it because I wanted a challenge. And I did it knowing that it might put our relationship in jeopardy. I love you. But I want you to be stronger. I wanna make you stronger and I know I can. You can trust me when I say I love you, I wouldn't be with you if I didn't love you, but I will always push myself further and test my own limits. If... If you absolutely hate that idea, I'm sorry, but, I... I don't wanna change..." I felt the tears falling but I didn't move a muscle. "I'm sorry, I'm even more narcissistic than you. Please, please tolerate me. Please, Xian."
She looked down at our hands joined. "I feel like if I stay with you I'm gonna suffer."
"I'll soothe you, I'll always soothe you." I heard my voice failing.
Tears fell from her eyes again. She closed the distance between us and kissed me.
I kissed her back but I still couldn't bring myself to move. 'What if that was a goodbye kiss?'
She withdrew her lips and broke the joining of our hands and I felt my heart sink. My hand trembled as I tried to reach her. Her eyes pierced mine. I saw her burning pupils. She embraced me tightly and inhaled.
"You give me pain and you take it away. You're a mistress and that makes me the sadomasochist." She whispered in a sad voice.
I held her tightly. "I love you so much. You're the only one that understands and accepts me."
"The only one? What about 'Katya?'" Exhaled she.
"Well, that's the challenge, isn't it, but first... are we good?" I asked, though we were still hugging.
She sniffed. "Yeah, I'm not gonna leave you, ya dumb blond." We parted and looked at each other.
I felt such a wide smile on my face. "Okay, so, we're still trying the polyamorous thing aren't we?"
She smiled weakly. "Yeah, don't think you're the only one who can kiss her and get away with it. Next time I'm gonna make you watch."
I nodded. "I think we're gonna have similar feelings."
"Yeah? Are you gonna cry too?"
"Not if you hold my hand."
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"What? I wanna sleep with you!"
"Tonight you watch, if it's not good enough you can leave." Uttered I.
"No, no. I wanna watch." Said Katya, taking her seat.
"You're prohibited from touching yourself. If you feel like doing it, you go immediately to the guest room." Commanded Xian.
"Whatever you say, my queen." Katya bowed.
Xian made an angry face.
"Xian, c'mon, focus on me." I took her to bed.
She sighed. "All right."
I took her in my arms and brought her body on me. She placed a hand on my cheek. I smiled assuringly and moved my hand to her neck, bringing her face to mine. She kissed my cheek as I rubbed my nose on her ear. Her face felt warm, as did her tongue when she started tracing along my neck, on practiced moves, she grabbed my arms and took 'em up over my head, holding me in place she wrapped my lips on hers and not a second later our tongues danced together as our saliva mingled and covered our mouths.
Xian's hands were restless, that was unusual and it served as a sign for me to take over the lead as she grew increasingly embarrassed about being watched in such an intimate moment. I, on the other hand, felt a surge of excitement as I thought about Katya's eyes on me, it filled me with some kind of determination, like I wanted to prove to her how emotionless and boring all her previous relationships had been by showing her how passion truly manifested between two women. 'Homo Superior indeed.' Thought I, and I had to use all my strength not to burst out laughing.
Alas, I took Xian under and pinned down her legs as I ran my hands through her abdomen, grabbing hold of the edges of her shirt I lifted it up to expose her bare chest. So small and delicate were her breasts, her hard nipples entranced me into an incontrollable urge to feel them in my mouth and rub my lips on her delectable skin-
A rustle on the doorway, a gust of wind and Katya'd disappeared from the room.
I looked at a flushed Xian under me and uttered: "Well, I guess we turned her on."
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Xian left early in the morning and me and Katya found ourselves alone in the house.
"Good morning." I greeted her while preparing a cup of coffee for myself. "Coffee?"
"Good morning." Echoed she. "Yes, please." She took a seat by the table. "I wanna talk about last night."
"Talk, then." I didn't look at her.
"I... I don't know what to say... You were amazing..." I blinked. "I'd never seen such raw... love..."
"Really? Not even in porn?" Asked I.
"I don't...!" Started she, startled.
"You don't...?" Urged I.
"I mean, you... you're you... and... you're so innocent..."
I raised a brow in surprising defiance.
"What I'm saying is... I... never imagined you... I could never imagine you... like that... it... It was beautiful. I wanna feel that." She stood up.
'Whoa, Nelly!' I took a step back. "Are you sure you don't wanna wait for Xian?"
She moved towards me. "I can't wait... unless you stop me..." She was a breath away from me.
I didn't stop her.
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"Hey Xian." I greeted her as she arrived.
"Hey." Smiled she, kissing me.
"Hey." Said Katya.
"Kitty." The smile was wiped from her face.
Katya puckered her lips in her direction.
I felt a cringed emotion as Xian was completely taken aback by that move. "In a moment, Katya." I gently pushed Katya away.
"Ah, okay..." She said disappointedly.
I took Xian to our bedroom and closed the door.
"Xian, let's make this work." I said seriously.
She furrowed her brows. "What happened?"
"She's really into me." Confessed I. "Give just a bit of yourself to her. It's been years but now it will work, now is the right time for you."
"What about us?"
"I'm not going anywhere. In the future, Xian, us is gonna mean you, me, and her."
"A big us." She made a disgusted face.
"Yes, a big us formed by three people."
"I think I'm gonna be sick." Mocked she.
I took a step towards her and held her in place. She stared right into me.
I started kissing her and she slowly loosened up, when she eventually started kissing back more wantonly, I took a step back.
"She feels just like this, if you let her, if you want her." Stated I.
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Xian exhaled. "I'm ready." She extended a hand towards me.
"Please, focus on each other." I grabbed her hand and took it to Katya's, then moved mine away.
They stared at each other for several seconds while holding hands. With each passing second, the mood grew more awkward.
I swallowed forcibly. "Maybe it'll help if you exchange a few words." Suggested I.
"Like what...?" Xian shook her head slightly.
"Xian. I've had enough running from you." Katya stated abruptly.
Xian's eyes narrowed. "From me?" Asked she.
"Yes. All those boyfriends I've had up until now, none of them ever understood me," she glanced at me quickly "no offence," and continued: "it took me quite some time, much longer than it was for you and Illyana, for me to realise that what I've always wanted was a girl, a girl's touch, a girl's lips, but most of all, a girl's brain, a mind that works like mine, and throughout all these years, there was never anyone who understood me more than you. Xian... you know all my secrets, all my fears and all my joys, there's nothing more that I can share with you, I've loved you all these years and I didn't realise how much that was important... to you. I know I'm flawed, and selfish and vain, I know I've erred, I know how much you care about me. It's been four months, I've been counting the days." Xian's eyes widened in surprise. "Every single day I wanted to call you, I wanted to talk to you, I wanted to say I'm sorry, I wanted to say I'd finally found myself... I thought you wouldn't believe me, I thought you would think that I was joking, that I was insulting you." Katya elevated their hands and kissed them. "Thank you, Xian, thank you for waiting, thank you for opening your heart to me again. I've never lied to you, so believe me... I can only feel safe when I'm with you."
Xian's lips quivered. "Kitty... I love you."
Katya nodded and neared her face to Xian's.
As soon as their lips touched their eyes closed.
Their slow kiss continued as their hands were tightly gripped.
Katya moved her hand to Xian's cheek after a minute and after two seconds apart their lips returned to touch each other's.
They hugged and cried in each other's arms. They ran their fingers through each other's hair and pecked each other's lips lovingly as they stared longingly at each other's eyes. It was if everything outside their bubble didn't exist.
I unconsciously swallowed dryly and wondered: 'Is true love only seen through the eyes of someone else?'
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Author's Notes and Closing Comments:
So maybe y'all are quite familiar with your harem, love triangle, multiple pairing kinda stories, well, I'm not.
I read a real story about a polyamorous relationship and I felt disgust, I felt sick.
Part of me felt grossed out at the relationship itself, the other part felt incredulity at the world, at people for being so reluctant in accepting a polyamorous relationship.
I was disgusted by my own disgust.
And so I spent a whole night disturbed, sick with these thoughts, if these kinda relationships can exist and work, then why is it so frowned upon by society?
I have a motto, a belief that 'feelings are the most important thing'. I never doubted that and never will.
Then I realised I was living in a bubble, a little utopic world of my own.
Humans are disgusting, society is gross by nature, in my eyes.
And so when I thought of people I felt sick, I felt contempt and when I thought of food that was prepared by people and I imagined their hands touching it, making it, I felt even more disgust.
And it is all so simple to explain, I can spend hours experiencing fictional content, be it acted, voiced, drawn or written but the second a 'based on true events' pops in or someone tells me about something that really happened to them I feel that little cold in the spine, knots on my stomach kinda feeling and I just feel horrible.
Because that's the reality, reality is horrible.
And so, like Illyana in this fic, I set out on a challenge, from myself to myself, I wanted to try creating a story focusing on a polyamorous relationship just to see how far I could go and if my feelings while writing or after would have changed or mutated, and to also learn more about my own feelings on the matter, what they really were.
But in the end all I managed to make was another piece of fictional content. Nothing will ever be as powerful as reality. Nothing will ever scare me more than the real world, inhabited by those 'real people'.
Slowly, as I chew on this 'new fact' and desperately cling to my 'feelings are the most important thing' motto, I set back my bubble in place, and retreat back into my little utopia.
Society seems to have their morals deturpated. But secrecy and pride are two oppositely extreme sides. I wish there was balance. I wish people wished for balance instead of always wishing to have their way and solely that.
As always, if you like my style of writing, check out my other works and... that's it!
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