A/N: Hello all. First I want to say Happy New Year to everyone :) Secondly I want to say that it's ten to four in the morning here and so there may be some mistakes.
I'm suprised that I have actally wrote a fic like this. I don't usually delve into this subject, seeing as it's somewhat...sensitive to me. I don't know how I did or how it sounds so please review and tell me.
I don't know how many chapter there will be in this, but I also want to do one from James and Remus' point of view, so I don't know really. Maybe four? I can't tell you.
Warning: Contains mention and action of Self Harm, Alcohol Abuse and a slight hint of a homosexual relationship. If any of these subjects offend, causer triggers or upset you in any way please do not read, or if you do, at your own risk.
Disclaimer: I own nothing which makes me extremely sad.
The thunder rumbled, emitting a low growl through the black sky. Rain pelted the windows of the castle at such a force it seemed the glass would soon break. The wind was wild and ran through the empty corridors whistling and causing the whole castle to become cold and windswept.
Everything was quiet, apart from the weather outside. Everyone was asleep in their dormitory's, all cuddled up in their blankets to keep warm through the night. The Gryffindor boy's dormitory was not as quiet as it should have been that late at night. The muffled sound of sobbing which came from behind a pair of shut scarlet curtains could be heard over the rain ever so slightly.
Sirius couldn't help himself. He had tried to hold in his tears all day and all through last night, yet they kept leaking out every so often. He remembered, when he was younger his mother had told him that crying was for the weak. Crying was not for people as upper class as he was. He had learned after that to not cry, at least not whilst anyone was around. It never did him any good. It had always gotten him into trouble when he was at home whenever he had cried in public and so Sirius had train himself to only let tears stream down his face (like they were now) when it was in the dead of night.
His so called 'mask' had fallen and behind the arrogant, confident, popular teenager was someone who was hurt, alone and scared. He was curled up in a ball, his covers wrapping him tightly in the middle of the four poster bed, his face in his pillow so to muffle the sound of his sobs. He would never admit it to anyone, not even James or Remus (for they seemed to hate him at the moment and with good reason), that at the moment he felt helpless. In all his life, Sirius had never felt more alone. He had never realised that the world around him was so big and open. That he was just one tiny person in the middle of what seemed like nothing. Nobody was around to pull him back up anymore; no one was there to keep him happy. He had no James to crack a joke even in the most serious of situations; he had no Peter no make stupid remarks which would send them into fits of laughter; he had no Remus to hold him when he had had a nightmare and tell him everything was going to be okay. He had none of that anymore because he had messed up, big time and to be honest, that scared him more than anything.
Sirius had always had someone by his side to help him when he fell. At first it had been Regulas. His younger brother and he had been extremely close once upon a time, always helping each other out of sticky situations. Then after Regulas it had been Andromeda. His favourite cousin had always been there to offer advice and comfort him, even if it was just by a letter. When he had started Hogwarts he had quickly become friends with James and from that moment on the Hogwarts Express, the two had stuck together like glue. Then along came Remus, in the background at first but soon coming out into the open. Remus had always been there for him. They had always told each other everything that they were feeling and thinking. Their deepest secrets came up because they knew neither would tell anyone else. They had shared their fears, hopes and desires, but now...that was all gone. All because of one stupid prank that had gone wrong.
It was all gone now, that layer of trust between the Marauders and it didn't look like it could be healed properly ever again. If Sirius had known that Snape would truly do what he said, he would never have retaliated. It had been hard not to. Snape had met Sirius in the Entrance Hall as Sirius was waiting for James to hurry up so they could go down to the Shack to be with Remus. He had started to taunt and tease the eldest Black about Remus and their relationship. With every word, Sirius' blood began to boil, but he kept his calm trying his hardest not to hex Snape's balls off! Then he had gone onto the subject of Remus' disappearances. This had made Sirius become rigid and he suspected that Snape knew about his condition. So Sirius had been stupid and retaliated, saying that he didn't know what was really going on and that he should go down to the Whomping Willow and find out. It had probably been the most stupidest thing he had ever done and that was saying something seeing as Sirius Black was probably the king of doing stupid things. That was what he thought anyway. Seconds later James had come down and it was only then that Sirius realised some of the seriousness of what he had done. Once he had told James everything, the bespectacled boy had punched him right in the face. Now Sirius held the bruise from mentioned punch. As James ran off he just stood there not knowing what to do.
Going after James should have been mandatory, but seeing as his 'best mate' had looked like he was going to kill him, he didn't think it would have been the best decision to follow him. So he set off in the opposite direction, running up the many flights of stairs in Hogwarts not knowing exactly where he was going. Sirius had ended up in the Astronomy Tower and had sunk to the cold floor. Pulling his knees up to his chest and stayed there all night. He was sure, if he strained to listen, he could hear faint howls coming off from the grounds. This was when a little more realisation occurred to him.
The talk with Moony was the hardest thing about it all. The disappointment and sadness in his voice make Sirius' heart break. He had caused this. He had caused Remus, the love of his life (although he didn't know that yet) to lose all the trust he had in him. He was a disappointment and he knew it. He was nothing but a cold, heartless Black; well that's what James had said to him. Black by name, Black by nature. For years he had thought he was different from them but he wasn't. He had only wanted to be different, but obviously that had never worked. He could never be different.
Promise's were something Sirius kept to the heart, and so he had promised Remus he would cause him no more pain. By doing this, Sirius had avoided the other three Marauders for the rest of the day, however tricky it was. He felt that if Remus rarely had to set eyes on him then he could cause him no more pain or suffering but seeing as they all shared a dormitory, it was much harder to avoid them at night unless he went to bed really early or really later, Sirius taking the first option.
And this was where he found himself. After such a terrible day he was crying his eyes out. There was nothing he could do to make the situation right. He had mucked everything up and he deserved all the punishment he got. He had been nearly expelled, something he now wanted, but instead he had been set a month's long detention. Sirius didn't mind though. The further away from Remus he was the better. After all these thoughts were whizzing round his head he began to fall into a state between being awake and asleep, breaking out into uneven sobs every now and then, hand shaking violently and feeling like he was going to be sick.
He didn't know that his two former best friends were awake, trying to ignore his constant sobbing.
James felt nothing towards him. Nothing at all.
Remus on the other hand had silent tears running down his face.
All because it seemed he had lost his best friend...
Xoxox
It was obvious was he had to do, Sirius thought in Transfiguration the next day. He had to let all the pain go. He had to find a way to let it all melt away. But how? How was he going to do it?
That was the question that was running through his head that lesson. He had his quill in his hand but was not writing anything. Staring at the quill for a few seconds, Sirius realised his hand was shaking. Trying to push this fact out of his mind, Sirius returned to his work. Now it wasn't that unusual to see Sirius working. Ever since the start of the year Moony had forced it into them that they had to do at least a bit of note taking in lessons, even if it was only the ones they liked. So Sirius had set out to show Moony that he could actually work hard. Now all of that had been for no real use but Sirius still found himself working hard. Maybe it was because focusing on the words made him momentarily forget that he wasn't sitting near any of the Marauders, in fact he was sitting on the other side of the room to them! Or maybe it was to block out the constant stares he was getting from his fellow classmates.
Many people had been surprised that Sirius sat alone at meal times and that he wasn't found hanging around with the rest of the Marauders at the moment. Okay they four boys had had their fights before but this one seemed... different to all the others and no one could put their finger on it. No one dared to go up and ask them about it though. Everyone knew that if it was a Marauder problem then to let them sort it out themselves and to not get involved.
As the lesson wore on Sirius found himself scratching at the skin on the back on his hand. The small amount of momentary pain seemed to calm something inside of him very briefly. Sirius looked closely at the now reddened skin which now showed up against his pale skin and tingled softly. He scratched a bit more at the red spot and felt another wave of brief pain run through his body. It wasn't enough to cause any long time damage but it felt...good in a way. Could this be the answer he had been looking for? It was defiantly something to relief pain. If only he could cause more to himself then just a few measly scratches...
Looking up and brushing his shaggy ebony hair out of his face, Sirius looked around the room. There was that empty seat next to him which was usually filled by Moony or Prongs, the table next to him housed two Ravenclaw's he didn't know the name of. His eyes scanned for the caramel coloured hair of one Remus Lupin. He was directly across the room from him, right in sight sitting next to James. Sirius had done this in all their lessons; sit as far away as possible from them. If they sat at the back then he would sit at the front. If they sat at one side he would take a seat at the other.' It was the only way' he thought to himself. 'The only way to make sure I don't hurt Moony again.'
Xoxox
The lesson soon ended and Sirius took his time in packing his things away so he would not bump into any of his former friends. McGonagall had come up to him and asked him if everything was alright. She knew about the Snape incident, but still seemed to be concerned at how Sirius was taking it. He had given her a fake smile that was probably obvious and had told her he was fine, however McGonagall thought differently as she saw the boy leave the room seeing as he hadn't made a single joke about her and had actually gotten on with his work without making any distractions what so ever.
Lunch was right after Transfiguration but Sirius didn't feel hungry at all, something that even surprised him a little. Maybe it was the fact that he knew Remus, James and Peter there that made the thought of food less appealing and so he set off to the Gryffindor common room. He kept his head down, not saying a word to anyone apart from the occasional apology to someone he accidently walked into. He was in no mood to speak to anyone and just wanted to be left alone however, it seemed some people did not want it that way. Many of the Slytherins he passed sneered at him and purposely banged into his shoulder as hard as they possible could. Still Sirius didn't say anything to them. He didn't even glare at him. He didn't see the point anymore. What was the point of hexing someone if you had no one around to enjoy the fun with you?
Muttering the password to the common room, Sirius stepped through the portrait hole to an almost empty room. Still keeping his head down, he made his way up to the boy's dormitory where he dropped his bag onto his bed. Standing there in the middle of the room Sirius looked around. His part of the room was remarkably tidy for once, only being beaten by Remus' pristine bed. He started pacing the floor, thinking of some way he could just let all of those emotions out. He knew what he had to do; it was just how to do it that was the problem. Looking around the room once more, Sirius tried to spot something that would help him.
Suddenly he rushed towards his bedside drawer and opened it. Inside were several possessions including a small pocket knife that his Uncle Alphard had given him for his birthday. It picked it up and lay it in the palm of his hand for several minutes watching as his hand shook again. Deciding that this was for the best, Sirius clenched the pocket knife in his hand and walked steadily over to the bathroom door. Inside he locked it with his wand and slide down the door until he hit the floor. He opened up the knife and saw how shiny the metal was. It didn't look that sharp, but Sirius had to remind himself, appearances could fool anyone. He was living proof of that. So pulling up the sleeve of his robes to reveal his bare arm, Sirius pressed the knife down onto his skin, closed his eyes and let the metal blade move from left to right.
Pain erupted silently through his body causing him to feel warm all of a sudden. It felt good to feel pain like that. In that moment several of his emotions seemed to 'disappear' into nothingness and to Sirius it felt good. Opening his eyes, he saw a fresh red cut on his wrist, yet even though little beads of blood had come to the surface, none had actually been spilt yet. A sudden bought of anger shot through him. He couldn't even cut himself properly! How stupid was he? Pressing the knife down again he did the same movement as before yet this time he pressed down harder. Blood rushed up quickly and started to spill out of the wound. More emotions disappeared, but instead were replaced by darker more terrifying ones that Sirius didn't understand about yet. He watched as the red from his blood travelled down his arm slow, creating a pathway down his pale skin. It looked whiter then it usually did against the red but Sirius didn't care.
After the anger came terror. Had he just done that to himself? Had he really given up that much to result to something like harming himself? He had never really given the thing a thought before, but now in a matter of hours he had thought about it, gone to do it and then done it! He had never known himself to act so quickly to something like this. It was so unlike him. What if Remus found out? Or James? Would they try to help him or ignore him even more if that were even possible? He didn't know and in that brief moment he was scared. So scared that he felt anger towards the knife that he let it slide across his skin again...
Nothing could have prepared Sirius for this. Nothing at all. So many emotions were whizzing around his head that he felt dizzy and slightly nauseas. He let the knife drop to the floor and stared at the opposite wall for several minutes. He let himself calm down before picking up the knife again, putting it away and stowing it away in his trouser pocket. 'For later' he told himself. Then he picked himself up from the cold floor and made his way other to the sink where he washed off the blood under the cold water. Looking up into the mirror above the sink, Sirius saw that he was pale and looked slightly ill. 'Oh well' he thought 'Better get on with that homework'
And so Sirius unlocked the door to the bathroom and remerged into the dormitory where he sat on his bed and finished his homework until the bell rang signalling the end of lunch.
Xoxox
Detention wasn't something Sirius enjoyed but seeing as he didn't have to face anyone whilst he did it, he didn't care how long each gruelling task took him. Today he had to scrub the bed-pans in the hospital wing without magic. Sirius thought that the job wasn't too bad, it was just he hated the hospital wing. Especially as this was where his friendship had ended with Remus only the day before. He endured though, telling himself that he deserved the pain he was being inflicted too. Another pain that was coursing through his body was the pain from where he had cut earlier that day. The material of his robes was scratching the wounds and it hurt like hell, but again Sirius told himself that he deserved it.
He needed something to numb the pain, something that could knock him out for several hours maybe. So after he had finished his detention, Sirius headed down to the kitchen to get himself some Firewhisky. He knew how to persuade the house elves to give him some and no sooner had he got down there, he had several bottles at hand. It was at that moment that Sirius realised he had missed dinner as well. He had been so caught up in finishing his homework that he hadn't realised everyone else gone down to eat, but then it struck him that he wasn't hungry anyway. So after many thanks to the elves, he made his way up to Gryffindor Tower with Firewhisky bottles hidden in his robes.
Once he got inside the now empty common room, he made his way to a corner and sat down in it, taking the first bottle out and unscrewing the top. Then putting his lips around the top of the bottle, he drank about half in one quick motion. The liquid burned his throat which was exactly what he wanted to happen. Almost immediately he felt slightly light headed. So he kept on drinking, erasing any of the memories of the last couple of days and drowning himself in the wonders of alcohol. On his fourth bottle, Sirius stopped for his took another swing of it. Putting a hand into his trouser pocket he felt the pocket knife. He could only vaguely remember why he had it in his pocket and took it out, examining it.
All at once memories of what he had done today flashed in front of his hazy mind. Emotions built up inside of him, filling every bone in his body. Opening the knife for the second time today he placed the bottle on the floor and yanked down his sleeve. There stood three red cuts, gleaming in the light made by the dying fire. Pressing the knife up to his skin he cut again and again, not knowing why he was doing it this time. Why did he have to stop? There was no one there to tell him to. A strangled sob escaped him and dropping the knife from his shaking hand he curled himself up in a tight ball and rocked himself crying and shaking.
It was only in the late hours of early morning (around 6am) did Sirius manage to get himself off the floor. It seemed the house elves had cleaned away the empty bottles which Sirius silently thanked them for. Groggily, he picked up the pen-knife, which was still on the floor and clenched it in his hand. Then slowly he made his way up to the dorm where he collapsed on his bed, too tired and hung over to do anything else. Turning his head towards Remus' shut curtains, Sirius sighed.
''I'm so sorry Rem.'' He muttered before falling asleep again, the pen-knife still clutched in his hand.
For four days the same routine took hold of Sirius: Eat early but small breakfast, have lessons, cut, lessons, cut, study, drink, cry, sleep, eat, lessons, study, cut, cry, detention, cut...
Nobody seemed to notice that he hid himself away. No one seemed to notice that he skipped meals or that he seemed to be getting paler. No one seemed to notice that he wore his robes with his sleeves rolled down even with the hot weather approaching. Nobody seemed to care that he was starting to rot away...
On the first occasion Sirius harmed he didn't cry...
On the second he did...
On the third he had no idea what he was doing...
On the fourth Remus nearly walked in on him...
After the fifth he was sure James had seen the red cuts on his arm...
No one seemed to care...
But then he did deserve it...
Didn't he?
Longest fic I've ever done. Please don't flame, espesially about the subject at hand. It's extremely serious and so I would like it being taken seriously please.