"Tell me you don't love me."
It wasn't meant to challenge him. At this point she didn't care if it was true or not. But she needed him to say it, because she couldn't have him and so help her God she needed to be able to pick herself back up somehow.
"Tell me you don't need me. Tell me everything I ever thought you felt was a lie. Please, Steven. Tell me I have no right to want you so much and miss you so badly."
She had come to him in the night like the black-blue dreams when you can't really see what's happening but know that itwill haunt you for days.
He was alone, sleeping on his cot, the cool air of the Wisconsin autumn settling on his skin. He had no idea how long she had sat there silently on the edge of the bed, watching him sleep. But when he'd opened his eyes to roll over in the night the first thing he saw was glistening tears on her porcelain cheeks.
"Jackie?" he whispered, wondering what on earth she meant by this request. He sat up slowly, never looking away from her beautiful tragic face. She looked calm, but her voice was pleading. "What are you doing here?" He asked without accusation, he asked because he really wanted to know.
"I need to hear it. That you do not love me. I'm hanging on by a thread, and I need to fall, shatter and breakcompletely, so I can put myself back together. Our story never really ended. You just picked up a new one without letting ours close. Now, I want to start a new one too, Steven. I need to before I forget how. So tell me you don't love me, so I can let you go."
He looked at her, not knowing what to say. She looked so sad, so still. He couldn't tell her he didn't love her. He knew with every single fiber that he did. But he couldn't tell her that either. So he sat quietly for a long time, just looking at her beauty.
When he finally spoke, she was surprised at what she heard. "Tell me you don't love me first."
"You know I can't."
He nodded. "Then I can't help you."
She blinked a few times, and then she could feel the color rising to her cheeks. "Steven..."
"Jackie, I can't make this easier on you. I can't and I won't. You want me to say these things so it can be my fault we aren't together, so you can be guilt-free, and move on without taking responsibility. I won't have any part in your martyrdom."
"Steven, you are why we aren't together. You married someone else!"
"You gave me ultimatums. You left me. You were with Kelso!"
"I wasn't with Kelso…" Jackie started, she couldn't believe he still hadn't let that go.
"Jacks, I don't want to fight. I'm not claiming innocence either, we both fucked up. But I won't say I don't love you…" his tone was even until the end, then dropping to a whisper, "I won't lie."
The realization of what that meant snapped something inside her, like a firing squad her anger and determination combided forces with a vengeance, aiming without shame for the heart.
"You coward." Her eyes were smoldering, so fired up they were almost coal cold.
He almost fell backwards in surprise at her words, he hadn't meant that admission to pick a fight.
"You absolute coward!" Her voice was rising in intensity, in volume. And the room seemed to get smaller as the tension started to vibrate and pulse through and around them. Hyde knew she was amazing like that, when she was angry the whole room was like a pressure cooker, but that didn't mean he wanted to play that game tonight. It looked like he didn't have a choice though..."How dare you do that to me, play with me like that? You are married, to some idle-brained whore who you don't love, and don't you dare to try to interrupt me Steven Hyde! You pull the same shit every time, did you learn nothing from your skanky nurse-capades? You assume the worst, you refuse to trust and you run out when things get difficult to do whatever your brain can fathom would hurt me the most. I think I've finally realized you don't love me Steven,you never did,so don't have the audacity to suggest you do. If you loved me we wouldn't need to be here, having this conversation." She felt like she hadn't breathed in hours, the anger taking up all the room in her chest. She'd dealt with the shock of his choices, she'd been living with the miserable heartbreak of it. But damnit, right now Jackie Burkhardt was just plain pissed.
"I don't love you! How could you say that, Jackie? Just because I didn't react to your juvenile and selfish ultimatum by immediately dropping down on one knee doesn't mean that I don't love you."
"What is that stripper wife of yours supposed to be a testament to your love for me?" Jackie spat, he was avoiding an important detail.
"Leave her out of this. This," he motioned to the two of them, "has nothing to do with her."
"The hell it doesn't. Steven, if you had felt anything real for me, anything at all, when you walked into that hotel room, when you saw Michael in a towel, sure you'd have been upset but you would have given me a chance to explain. If you loved me you would have waited, you would have looked at me, really looked, and would have seen the love all over my face that I couldn't hide if I tried. You would have listened as I explained that Michael was there as a friend, because I was so lonely. But that while he tried, and he's Michael so God knows he tried, I resisted because I still loved you. And you would believe me, and the stiffness in your shoulders would have eased, the fury in your eyes lessened. I would have asked what you were doing there, and you would have told me that even though you weren't ready for marriage, and that thinking about your future scared the hell out of you, that the idea of life without me scared you more. You would tell me that from where you stood, whatever that was worth, you could not imagine a future without me in it. And that would be all I ever wanted to hear. And you would have kissed me and we would have made love and we'd be here now in each other's arms. That's what love does, Steven. That's what love would have done." Her voice was so raw, hoarse from shouts and tears. "To stand there now, dismissing what you did by marrying Sam is ridiculous. We may have bothtaken turnsbruising the relationship, but you alone buried it, my love, and you'll have to deal with that. No blame will be placed on me. You may breathe a sigh of relief that you don't love your wife. And it honestly is probably easier that way. Go ahead and remind yourself thankfully that she could never hurt you like I did, but damn it Steven, don't forget that the price you pay is she could never love you like I can."
Her face was red and puffy, and stained from sweat and tears. Her lips parted slightly as she refilled her lungs. Her shoulders moved up and down quickly, heaving in anger, and he could tell her heart was beating so fast. He was perplexed. Touched by her passion,stricken byher hurt, angeredby her blame. He noticed as her physical state seemed to calm, her breathing slowed, her tears dried. But the conviction in her eyes blew him away. She was back to what she came for.
"Tell me you don't love me." And this time it was a challenge. This time it was a demand.
And being as Steven Hyde didn't take well to instruction, he pulled her close, held her tight, and kissed her instead.