"You Need to Know... I Still Believe"
A Kira and Lacus OneShot
She looked blankly at the shinning full moon from outside her bedroom balcony. She breathed in deeply; her arms were around her as she embraced herself. Her eyes were sad and cold and so was her skin.
It wasn't so selfish of her to be like that- she had the right and somehow she needed to cry every once in a while to somehow lessen the burden inside her heart. Until now, she still believes. She turned her attention downwards unto the figure filled with solitude, standing at the shoreline...watching the moon sadly.
She sighed deeply when she saw him like that all over again...sad and felt. Behind her faithful heart comes doubt and depression; not to mention pain and desolation. Yet behind those 'negative' aspects...she still believes- she still believes that he can love again...they can love.
I'm afraid to loose him.
Her pampered thoughts set shivers unto her spine. The thought of him leaving her would be painful yet he'd be set free from his horrendous past. She wanted to set him free but she couldn't succumb the feeling of having him away- he always found a way to make her feel secure yet she knows...deep down inside her torn heart...he wasn't ready yet...he'd never be.
Reality brought her to believe but it also brought her to be selfish.
She sighed sadly then walked inside her room. She lay back in bed, acing the side of her wall while hugging tightly her pillow. Haro was quiet since it noticed how sad the pink-haired princess looked, all because of one handsome brunette.
But she still believes or at least she tried to believe in the remaining spark she's grasping right now.
She could still recall that one incident when she comforted him. That night was all so perfect and she thought he'd tell her it was time to love again...but the opposite happened.
FLASH BACK
As he cuddled near her, the feel of her soft flesh made him sigh in relief. Soon, his head was resting on her lap and the dark ness swallowed them. It hurt to even see him like this...but she had no choice- she didn't want another choice but to be with him.
"I miss her..." he said unconsciously. She felt her heart being ripped off into pieces of sheets. Her eyes beginning to be teary but she turned her head away to fight away the tears...and she bravely did. He continued to repeat that line until she breathed in deeply and embraced him. "I know Kira...I know you miss her..." was her stupid reply. Her voice was strong when he heard it so he continued to sob.
She hated herself for being like this...being strong for everyone even though she's breaking up and tearing herself apart moment by moment! She fought off again the tears that threatened to fall and the heart that threatened to break- once again. She stopped the tears but couldn't prevent her heart from breaking again.
"I wish I could've saved her Lacus..." again he spoke with that sad voice. She fought back again the tears. "I'm sorry..." was her reply. He shook his head as he felt her fingers run through his unruly hair. I still believe Kira.
His cries slowly faded and it was their breathing that can be heard. He noticed something wrong with her touch...maybe he didn't notice them because he was the one who cried lately...but there was something wrong with her touch. Warm yet cold; a feeling he couldn't understand...it was not like he understood her- he never did.
He raised his head and looked at her. She was looking back at him too, with eyes that threatened to break down any second.
No, stay still Lacus...don't get him all worried.
He touched her face and found it very smooth. His touch stung her and made all the tears come out. Quickly, she darted her gaze away from him pretending she hadn't seen him see the sudden break down. He grew worried, concerned for her sake...Nah...Really?
He also feared of loosing her. Not the fact that he loved her, but he'd loose someone who always understood everything; someone who'd always be there or him though he knew he was only using his presence...he wanted to be selfish...but see her like that brought guilt inside of him. He needed her and for some reason he can't want her- yet.
She quickly wiped away the tears that flowed and faced him with a strong smile. He frowned and when she saw this, she saddened even more.
Why can't you smile when you're with me, Kira?
"Are you alright?" he asked. Lacus quickly nodded then turned away from his gaze. He gaped at her with those concerned eyes of his...they eyes she can never claim to be hers. If it were someone else he sees then she was lucky he was using her as a hole cover even for this moment.
"Don't worry Kira, I'll be alright..." she told him, defensively trying to stop the screaming of her heart. Why was she this stupid to believe that he can still love her?
His frowning face turned into a much more sincere person and his hand flew to her face once again. It stung her- like the usual. Her hands clenched the bed sheet as finally she couldn't hold back everything inside of her heart. She cried silently as the enormous tears swept down from her soft cheeks. She was shaking her head and Kira gaped at her...shocked.
"Lacus..."
She breathed in deeply, bravely and stupidly. "I'm sorry...I...I didn't mean to trouble you Kira..." she said softly then ran away.
"Lacus...wait!"
He stood up, chasing her until he caught her wrist just as she was about to exit the dark room.
Why do you need to do this Kira?
He was so sincere, so caring and so...sensitive. NO! Of course he's not! If he was sensitive then he'd know...he'd feel that she loved HIM!
She brushed her tears quickly then turned around slowly to face him.
"I'm sorry...I...I just...I'll never..." she was dumbfounded, unable to make a good excuse for breaking down in front of him.
I shouldn't do this.
He looked at her, confused and hurt.
"Did I say something wrong?" he said innocently...ironically to her own ears. She felt like screaming but forced herself not to. She shook her head courageously then forced a smile. "No...Not at all..."
Their gazes locked and she hated the feeling of him reading her insides.
She turned away quickly, her back facing him. "You should get back to sleep Kira...pray that those nightmares may disappear soon."
She opened the door then exited the room. Her heart sank to the bottom of her stomach. She felt a bolt of pain stab her heart and blood could not be seen... how come he needed to use her just for this purpose?
END OF FLASHBACK
Kira looked at her as she slept on her bed- her eyes teary.
Is she also having bad dreams?
His hand flew to her soft face and caressed it. He felt that she flinched in his touch and saw more tears come out of her eyes while they were shut. She wasn't screaming of calling someone else's name...she was just crying all alone. It hurt to see her like that. She hugged her pillow tighter and then shivered.
He felt like crying them and there after he saw her shiver in discomfort. She was breathing in deep breathes and then shuddered. Kira turned his look away from her. He couldn't bare the pain she was feeling right now. She knew how to comfort him but he? Well... the hell! He knew nothing of what comfort meant to her. he hated the idea of using her presence to stop his dreams and nightmares- he hated the feeling of not returning back the satisfaction she was giving him.
"I'm sorry...I just can't want you right now..." he mumbled gently then continued to gaze at her sleeping figure. He sighed in relief as he saw her calm in her sleep. Her beauty was something to behold and it was a waste if she'd give it to him...or that was what he thought.
He looked at her parted lips and brushed her pink locks from her angelic face.
He can't be happy if he'd keep on doing this to her- to himself. It wouldn't be right and it wouldn't' be fair to her.
She fluttered her eyes and soon woke up. He backed away a bit then found himself helping her sit up in bed. She was supporting her head and she shrieked. He held on tighter to her and soon she was facing him.
She looked at him confusingly but he gave out a smile. "Kira..." she was stopped when a certain pain inside her head occurred. He supported her when she threatened to break down and found herself in his arms.
He though it could at least make her happy but it didn't. Instead it brought more pain inside of her that she was scared to show it to him or shed it in tears. He held her tightly, closer to where she listened to the beating of his aching heart.
She fought the tears. It was as though she could never be happy- ever. He heard her sob in the embrace and felt pain swoop inside of him.
Why are we always crying when were together?
"You don't need to do this, Kira..." she told him sadly, her voice was weak and fragile to his ears.
Kira felt useless to that extent but still held her in his arms. She will never get tired of pretending...but this was too much to be made a joke off. She pulled away gently then found him looking at her. He felt really stupid when he saw her eyes glittery. Why has it gone this far.
He looked away, his hands clenched and he felt like crying. She also felt her own tears coming soon enough. It wasn't long when he cried silently, trying to be as brave as she is.
She felt horrible after seeing him like that that she cried too! This was too much for her to take. She turned away too, crying silently as he was... but their hands clasped eachother- holding on to that one single spark of hope to love again.
"Why...do we always cry when were together?" she managed to ask him. Kira was dumbfounded, unable to tell her his reasons.
"It's okay with me Kira if...I'll be like this for the rest of my life. But I don't want to spend my whole life seeing you cry..." she told him...her voice trying to cheer him up. He looked at her with eyes fixed on her waiting expression. She was smiling faintly and he hated himself even more.
Her hand flew to his face. "It doesn't matter if...you'll need me like this forever...I don't care..." she paused when she felt her heart being squeezed to death "it doesn't matter Kira...but one thing I know is that...I can never...make you happy..."
His eyes widened in shock at the extreme pain she had just brought to herself after saying that line. He looked at her, her eyes flooding with the heaviest of tears she had in her life- all because of love.
He felt stupid, he felt stupid and he felt so stupid! He wanted to kill himself...he wanted to just hold her but he knew...she would never believe that feeling...based on her experiences.
She broke down, sobbing so sadly in front of him. It was killing him and it was only this time that he had noticed...she meant something to him.
There she was, crying her heart out to him because she knew...because o the reality he had shown her, that she can never make him happy. He wish he'd turn back time and take back all of the things he'd said to her. He'd wish he could make her understand new things again...he wished that she'd know...he still believes.
He inched closer; tilting her head then placed his lips unto hers in a gentle kiss. She grew calm yet still broken. The need in her was so strong...she had longed to touch these lips...she had longed to feel how it was like to be loved by Kira Yamato.
She kissed him back with such need that she forgot who she was. The kiss grew deeper and harsh but still passionate. He didn't want to spoil her and so gently broke away from the kiss.
She looked at him with a blush on her teary-streaked face. He too was shocked at his actions but didn't feel regret. His eyes were fixed on hers with a new and determined look on his face.
"You have to know... I still believe...that I can love again..."